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At a crossroad...need advice....

Old 04-27-2015, 08:13 PM
  # 41 (permalink)  
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...Great thread by the way !

DD
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Old 04-28-2015, 12:12 AM
  # 42 (permalink)  
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I've read bit of the AA book years ago .

powerlessness , well i'm certainly not under control if alcohol is in me . It makes me very selfish, self centred and nasty/ short with people i love when i'm sober wanting to drink .

I certainly think it was critical for me to learn how to deal with resentments quickly and effectively and make amends as best i could with the past .

In learning how to deal with the past, dropping the want for an emotional change about situations that happened years ago it stopped frustration in the now .

Learning how to deal with other peoples frustration and anger without getting uptight myself was also something i learned how to deal with ( cheers robbyrobot ) .

Learning that i don't have to fix things in relationships , there are two people in most relationships , saying i don't know is a perfectly valid thing to say .

i think learning i wasn't in charge of the world was quite a big relief most things I do are pretty ineffectual , as a chronic overachiever and i set my aims high it was a real relief to learn how to let go of all that and see what arises in life rather than trying to get it to work to any rules .
learning to define what was my problem and more pertinently what wasn't my problem was important and helped me dump a load of stuff others were happy to lumber me with .

I had it in my head that if you were a nice person and did x,y and z then you'd have a nice relationship and a nice life , LoL Since dropping the desire for any of that kinda thing some of these thing have come into my life and it's different to how i thought it'd be

I never had to worry about friends and stuff because i was mainly a home drinker and having move around a fair bit friends were left behind and most of them were drunks who were friends because they went to the same bar , rather than having terribly much in common .

So everyone i meet nowadays is a potential new friend , i'm happy with whatever life serves up to me if i put myself out there things will turn up or not and i'm fine with that .

over 3 years now and no intention to drink ever again .

the main difference when i felt i was in recovery as opposed to not drinking was the thought of never drinking again, it seems wonderful and glorious , not something scary . i think thats telling .

Good luck , m
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Old 04-28-2015, 03:44 AM
  # 43 (permalink)  
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"I DON'T believe that I'm powerless over alcohol. I believe all people have the power to stop if they REALLY want to. I definitely believe my life is unmanageable when I drink and I never want to drink again, but it's just too much. I just don't and can't buy into parts of AA.

Some people,like me, lose the power of choice. I worked hard to get that choice back, but it's only one I have the power over and that's the first. The tenth step promises even tell me I have gotten the power of choice back.

Ten years in and there's still parts of AA i don't agree with.
There are some in AA that stand on their pedastal and proclaim AA is the only way and without it a person will die. I don't see it very often, but it happens.
I'd strongly encourage ya, before throwin out the baby with the bath water, to look for a new sponsor.

I'd encourage ya to think about what Carlotta said about your thinking that leads up to your relapses,too.
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Old 04-28-2015, 04:05 AM
  # 44 (permalink)  
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There is no set way of remaining sober.
Stick with whatever works for you, not everyone else.
Personally, I'd like to add that whenever I've strayed
from at the very least, lurking here on SR, I'd become
endangered and have even failed. Signing on SR a few
times a day gives me a better perspective of my sobriety goal.
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Old 04-28-2015, 06:55 AM
  # 45 (permalink)  
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The important question Serenidad is what will work for you!?!

Almost two years ago you posted a thread asking what method folks here use. You received a multitude of answers. Fast forward and your question has been refined, but you're still seeking what others do. You are you not them or us!

Acceptance, willingness and ready to change - those are the keys our friend jangle on here in front of us every day. It makes not a hoot of a difference what method they use - if it works for you - Just Do It!

Find the help you need, this is a deadly disease and the clock runs out for all of us at some point.

Hope you find your peace, friend.
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Old 04-29-2015, 06:48 AM
  # 46 (permalink)  
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Originally Posted by Flynbuy View Post
The important question Serenidad is what will work for you!?! Almost two years ago you posted a thread asking what method folks here use. You received a multitude of answers. Fast forward and your question has been refined, but you're still seeking what others do. You are you not them or us! Acceptance, willingness and ready to change - those are the keys our friend jangle on here in front of us every day. It makes not a hoot of a difference what method they use - if it works for you - Just Do It! Find the help you need, this is a deadly disease and the clock runs out for all of us at some point. Hope you find your peace, friend.
Thanks Flynbuy. I really like your post but I wasn't posting here 2 years ago. I had just gotten 5 years of sobriety. I didn't start posting here again (since 2008) until a little over a year ago. Not that it matters...

Anyway, I have dropped my nazi sponsor. She wasn't right for me and frankly I'm not sure AA is right for me. Since going back in FULL force last month, I'm realizing that it causes so much shame and guilt for me.

I am a person who is (unfortunately) driven by FEAR. Fear of "death, institution or jail". AA (at least the meetings in my area) tell me if I am not working their program I will end up dead, in jail or an institution. FEAR!!! That may work for some people but maybe that's the problem for me, I'm trying to fit a square peg in a round hole. The fear is working against me. I need something to "lift me up" and tell me I'm a good person etc. I just registered for Women For Sobriety so I will see how that is.

I attended AA from 2008-2010 and stayed sober but it was out of fear. I was court ordered and was on non-drinking probation. I think it was fear that kept me from away from the drink, not AA. I had to get court slips signed proving I was at an AA meeting back then.

I went on to stay sober from 2010 to almost 2014 without AA & felt happy.

MY MISTAKE: never believing I was an alcoholic in the first place in 2008. I just thought I was a bad drunk driver! Haha. (Not really funny). :-(

Anyway, I decided to have a beer with my husband after 5.5 years of sobriety and fast forward to now and I KNOW I've got a drinking problem and want it out of my life! Forever!!!

Soooo....I am doing some soul-searching on the best method for me. I absolutely LOVE what everyone has said!

I have a head full of AA which really messes me up and causes LOTS OF DOUBTS that I can do this without them.....but I think I will just stick around SR for a while and read etc.

I will find my way. I just order a book that was recommended to me by a friend called Many Roads, One Journey by Charlotte Davis Kasl. It was highly recommended to me.

We shall see...in the mean time I'm gonna stick close to SR and my exercise program.

*Lastly, I am just sharing MY experience with AA. I think it works for some people and has helped many!!! Maybe it's just not for me. If it comes down to AA or misery and death....then I will go back. But for now.......we shall see....

Prayers welcome. :-)
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Old 04-29-2015, 06:58 AM
  # 47 (permalink)  
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Originally Posted by Serenidad View Post
I DON'T believe that I'm powerless over alcohol. I believe all people have the power to stop if they REALLY want to.
I am powerless once I drink. I have no control, off button, moderation switch.

Once I have the first drink, I have lost all choice in the matter. That is how it is and has always been for me.
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Old 04-29-2015, 07:46 AM
  # 48 (permalink)  
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Originally Posted by GracieLou View Post
I am powerless once I drink. I have no control, off button, moderation switch. Once I have the first drink, I have lost all choice in the matter. That is how it is and has always been for me.
Yes I believe I'm powerless once I take a drink I just don't believe I am powerless BEFORE I take a drink. I think that was what I was confused about. Thank you!
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Old 04-29-2015, 08:18 AM
  # 49 (permalink)  
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I remember going to a counselor a few years back who was a big Cognitive Behavioral Therapist (and this is the the "therapy du jour" because it is short term and insurance companies like that). Anyway...the way it works is to point out faulty thinking and thereby change behavior. Called stinkin' thinkin', like "all or nothing" "overgeneralizing" "magnification", etc. Anyway, she asked me why I took so long to get into therapy based on my family history. I said I didn't realize I needed it at the time. Then she says, "that is very self-destructive thinking. If you hate yourself that much, why not go lay in the street and wait to get run over".

WTF? I left the session early and NEVER returned. And to this day I refuse to see a CBT counselor - yes, I am over generalizing (ha!)

My point is that everyone knows what is good for them and what they cannot abide. CBT is great for some but not others. I don't care for it because it doesn't take into account your history. Just how you currently perceive things. I prefer a more Rogerian or person centered therapist that is kind and gentle and nudges me slowly. Like you Serenidad.
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Old 04-30-2015, 12:54 AM
  # 50 (permalink)  
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Originally Posted by Serenidad View Post
Yes I believe I'm powerless once I take a drink I just don't believe I am powerless BEFORE I take a drink. I think that was what I was confused about. Thank you!
So, for me, I am powerless over alcohol. I have no power once I allow it in my life. It takes over and I lose everything. I can't control it, Lord knows I tried, so instead of continuing to fight with it, I surrendered. I didn't surrender to alcohol, I surrendered to the fact that I was an alcoholic and I am powerless over it. I can't win so I waved the white flag and walked away.

"The first drink gets me drunk" was something I did not understand for a LONG time but once I got that my life changed.

I take this same logic and place it all over my life. I am powerless over people. I can't control them, so I stopped trying. I can't control how the person is driving in front of me, so I stopped trying. I can't control the cranky person in the checkout line in front of me, so I stopped trying. I can't control the decisions my children make, they are adults, so I stopped trying.

I simply stopped trying to control everything and everybody, the only person I can control is me and my reactions to the rest of the world and the people in it. I am powerless over them but I have power over me.

I also took some faith and said "Let go, Let God". This is a simple belief that whatever happens and who ever comes and goes in my life, that is the way it is supposed to be. Not only don't I have that sort of power or control, I don't want or need the burden of it. It is no longer mine to carry, I hand it over to my higher power.

It sounds simple and at times it is, other times it is not. I fail at it daily but I keep trying and I can stop myself now when I get angry or upset with others that I am again, trying to control their lives or thoughts and when I do that it is because I am trying to benefit myself and make my life easier. Life on life's terms not mine.
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Old 04-30-2015, 09:03 AM
  # 51 (permalink)  
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I think Many roads one journey will be a good read for you! It changed my life , I am very excited to hear you ordered it. I really related a lot to your post, happy you're staying true to yourself.
This might be over kill but her best kept secret is another great read that focuses on woman and alcoholism, and how the times are a changing , and woman need more options that fit us . maybe for your future to be read lIst?
Anyways vest of luck and keep us updated
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