ArtFriend

Hi Serenidad - nice to see you again. I am going to throw something out here and I hope you understand the intention. Not trying to hurt or be a smart a$$, but I have seen many postings like this from you about AA where you don't like the sponsor or program or something... and it becomes a diversion. Instead of focusing on the real issue, i.e., quit drinking. Perhaps take that energy you are using in trying to fit in AA and find another recovery method and work it. Just a thought.

Carlotta

Good to see you and good to hear that you are still sober
Sounds like your sponsor could use some Al Anon lol

I am very surprised that after all this time she still has you on step one.
I tend to believe that "meeting makers make meetings" and yes some people in AA rely on the fellowship aspect (meetings) to remain sober and it's cool. But if you don't like "fellowshipping" with that particular group of people, that put you in a pickle so to speak.

The program of AA is the 12 steps as outlined in the big book. This is what I jumped in when I got back into recovery. Don't get me wrong, I love my friends at my HG and I also need the f2f support but what gave me that "psychic" change was working the program.
As far as the first step goes, I believe that I am powerless but not helpless.

I am powerless if I start drinking because alcohol will mess with my head in a bad way. I am not helpless because I chose to be a non drinker and I am committed to lifetime abstinence.
As far as happiness goes, I really think it is an inside job. You have some miserable people everywhere (including the rooms of AA) and what some people share at meetings (happy, joyous, free) does not always reflect what is truly going on in their lives once they exit that meeting.

I am in AA and me (and others on SR who are also in AA) told you before that it is a bunch of baloney but sadly enough, it is a message which is heard in some groups. I saw it very recently in a private online group in the form of a meme of all things: straight in your face, what a nice greeting for a newbie!!

Some people would rather try to hammer a newcomer with fear than convey a message of hope. I don't think that fear is a good deterrent in the long run: people tend to have a build in forgetter when it comes to the consequences of their drinking.

I shared before with you that I know some sober people who never worked the AA program and are happy. My Godfather with over 3 decades of sobriety is one of those. Never set foot in an AA meeting and from all accounts, he was a really bad drunk/coke head.
I have also attended meetings of Women For Sobriety in the past and recently started attending Refuge Recovery (a Buddhist based program) and those folks are sober. I can not vouch on whether they are truly happy or not but neither can i vouch for people in AA. I can only relate what people say and how they carry themselves. Who knows what is truly in someone else's heart?

Like others said: happiness is relative. I noticed with me that having big emotional highs (happiness?) came hand in hand with having huge emotional lows. A bit like a roller coaster. I strive to find balance and contentment instead (this is one reason why I shifting gears to a more meditative/zen approach to recovery).
Have you looked into meditation for yourself? Have you also looked into doing service for others? Not necessarily in AA but volunteering at a foodbank or an animal or human shelter, even neighborhood beautification projects....

Meditation helps me stay in the moment and just be and service gives me an attitude of gratitude for what I have. If you do both of those, you might not get deliriously happy but you might get closer to feeling more content and balanced, more at peace with yourself.

Last but not least, I would not write this last paragraph but it's you and I know your MO by now
Be very careful. You tend to get discontent, angry and resentful toward AA right before you lapse. It's like your AV is looking for ammunition (which is pretty easy to get in some groups) and bam you turn that anger inward and you drink.
Forget about AA or not AA, happiness and everything else:
Take a deep breath and say out loud:
I will never drink, ever again.
Now see how it makes you feel inside. If you get that anxious twitching in your belly or some doubtful thoughts coming up then you know that your AV is active.

Once you get to the point where you realize that you have to be abstinent for life and you feel at peace with that idea then at least half of the battle will have been won.

Anyway, it s good to see you around and to see that you are still sober.

Serenidad

You're right! So very right. :-( There is no magic answer....

Serenidad

Wow! Can YOU be my sponsor? Haha

Serenidad

Very true ArtFriend!

Serenidad

I've thought the same thing about my sponsor...she needs Alanon! How are you doing in AA? Still active?

Carlotta

Still going to my HG about twice a week and still doing service (secretarying tomorrow) but you know me, I always have other stuff cooking too. I was never one to keep all my eggs in the same basket LOL.
I really took to Zen meditation and I am shifting gears more toward Buddhist oriented recovery.
http://www.againstthestream.org/comm...hist-recovery/

growpath

Somebody in AA once told me to look at it this way: I am powerless over alcohol after that first drink. That baffled me and made so much sense. I had the same hang up as you about this. That helped me tons. I truly do believe after the first drink all bets are off. But, I do have the ability to say no with the tools that I have and that doesn't necessarily mean pertaining to AA. I have to do whatever it takes to avoid that first drink or all bets are off. My effort in recovery is a direct correlation of this decision.


HONESTLY, are there people on this site who don't go to AA and are sober AND TRULY happy? Is that possible??? If so, how did you do it?

yes, yes and yes. I think the simple answer to this is...this is YOUR life and YOUR recovery do whatever keeps you sober.

Serindad there are millions of people that have recovered without AA. Some got sober then left AA. This is 100% up to you. But, I do think you need to try every route.

Also, serindad, take a breath I think you are a lot like me and make things more complicated than they need to be. Just keep trying one day at a time and don't drink. Soon if you keep trying different avenues I promise you things will start clicking. Try to enjoy the journey. Recovery can be beautiful. You are making it very stressful (another thing us alcoholics do best!) We alcoholics want instant gratification and anything that is worth keeping will take a lot of effort to keep. If you are anything like me you went to extreme efforts to continue drinking...take all that energy and focus it in recovery and finding what works for you.

I wish you all the best and have missed you too xox

AnvilheadII

i too think you are misunderstand the concept of powerlessness.

alcohol has NO power over you UNLESS YOU DRINK IT, then it has ALL the power. it becomes your POWER GREATER. that is why AA suggest finding another (better) Higher Power - we already turned ourselves over to alcohol, and did so at great cost.

so i have a question for you....since you took your hiatus from SR and went all in with AA, and even with a sponsor whose kind of annoying you at the moment........have you stayed sober?

right now maybe immersion in AA is exactly what you need. every time you start pulling away and wanting to do it DIFFERENT or Serenidad's way - what happens? what's going on that a few weeks ago you were sure this was the only way, and now you are once again looking for the exit.

maybe it isn't AA at all. maybe it's Serenidad. as early as you are in sobriety, 2 meetings a day is NOT a bad thing. especially if you aren't working full time. and especially considering how things go when left to your own devices...why not read those few posts right before you signed off? that last vicious relapse....maybe being told what to do FOR NOW when it comes to staying sober is EXACTLY what you need..........maybe.

cardoon

I'm a DIY type. I drank and drugged alone and I got sober alone. Well, not exactly true. I threw myself into recovery as hard as I was drinking. No AA just here and reading and working on myself and my thinking and actions. I've never been more content than right now. I made a decision and I'm not going back.

bemyself

Hi Serenidad,
I want to thank you for starting this thread, and for your honest story. I can relate to so much of it. You've received so many fantastic and nuanced replies, I'll be putting this thread into my Favourites.

For what it's worth - I have to tell you that I'm grinding out each day in a (now) quite long relapse, and awaiting being able to go for inpatient detox and psych treatment (dual diagnosis).

And I have to tell you that I left AA back in mid-January, after suffering several episodes of the kind of emotional abuse from some members referred to earlier. This, combined with being still in early months after my sister's suicide, literally sent me over the edge - and back into that fateful first drink, yet again. It's hell, as I gather you know.

I hope you can find it within you to NOT go down a similar path now.

bemyself

Whoops, somehow 'lost' my thanks also to Carlotta and Iconoclastic for their replies.

amandamarie

Their is a program called Celebrate Recovery. They are religious so be aware of that, but I used to go to meetings, and they were not pushy or judgmental like some of the AA groups I have attended. I used to go to them, and afterwards I always felt relieved, and like someone understood me. I have never had luck doing it on my own, but we are two different people, and maybe you have more will power than me. I think you should do what you think is best. It is your life, and your recovery. If AA is not working for you maybe it just isn't the program for you personally.

greens

You are so not alone. Lots of people quit without aa. Or use aa to start a foundation and then move on, or just use the parts of aa they like. You pretty much summed it up, often aa seems like the only gig in town . Unfortunately, programs like smart, life ring, women for sobriety and HAMS do not have as much face to face contact which is what a lot of us need in the early days of sobriety. Have you looked into any of those programs? You may be able to find a mixture of what works for you.
I believe this will be stated again and again but lots of people get sober with aa , and lots of people get sober on their own, or through other means. I used CBT and read up a lot about addiction were the ones that helped me the most. A

Tonymblue

Yeah. AA wasnt for me. I like SR better.

wehav2day

Serenidad, I've flowed your story loosely and not said anything because you get some great advise. I think you are getting some great advise here as well, but for some reason I'm feeling compelled to chime in.

First off, I really admire you both for your precious long term sobriety as well as your current fight. You show a ton of courage.

I can't tell you what to do, obviously. I'm not in your town, haven't been to your meeting. For all I know, your sponsor is a complete nazi. For all I know, she knows you better than any of us. Who am I to say?

So I suppose I'll just share what worked for me. Outpatient rehab and Aa finally worked for me. I go to meetings somewhere between weekly and once in a blue moon. But when I was newly sober, I was either in a rehab appt or an aa meeting 5 nights a week. Otherwise, I would have been drunk. I didn't do the 90/90 thing, with my work schedule I stressed out just thinking about it. And guess what my go to stress solution used to be? Yep, booze. So I did what I could, when I could. I got a sponsor who knew me well. She knew when to lean on me and when to leave me alone. 'Cause nobody can beat me up better than I can. So she coaxed me along and nudged me until I was ready to live for myself again.

It took a really really long time, but I learned to trust my own gut again. For a long time, my in er addict definitely didn't have my best interests at heart. She wanted to get me drunk. So I would stress out in meetings, take issue with things people said, I felt like an outcast. But after a while, all that stopped. Are there still people in aa who I disagree with? Absolutely. But they don't bother me so much anymore. I found my own inner compass again.

Recovery did that for me, after I stopped balking and did it. Is aa going to be that for you? Again, not for me to say. Is another program gonna do it? Who knows? I think it's really about you. When you throw yourself all in, whatever that is, magic will happen. I really believe that, because when I stopped balking and started really doing it (I went through the motions and spent a lot of time "recovering"), the magic happened for me.

bigsombrero

Yes. I do not go to AA and I am sober, and I am truly happy. Like Dee, I also completely changed my life. Going to the same places, same job, seeing the same faces and coming home to the same apartment....that was bare-bones sobriety. Being happy in sobriety means I changed all of those physical things. Emotionally, I changed even more. I aimed higher.

Moving the furniture around your house does not transform that same house into a palace. Find a happy place and build your new emotional foundation around it from scratch. Good luck!

SoberLife90

That POWERLESS of the first step is talking about that first drink. Once an alcoholic takes that first drink it triggers that allergy, and it is almost impossible to stop drinking. That's what it means to me.

Carlotta

Also, there is a copy of your first step right here, on SR
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...alcoholic.html
It addresses the unmanageability in 70 points but also the powerlessness comes up as in
Now since we both know that you are not helpless, do whatever it takes not to drink again. Because as a sober woman, you have the power of being able to make choices and hopefully, you will come to accept that drinking is not a viable decision for you and chose permanent, lifelong abstinence with no reservations.

DuhDave

Take what you can use from AA...and leave the rest.

One shoe does'nt fit everyone.
DD