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Angry with myself ...

Old 04-24-2015, 06:23 PM
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Angry with myself ...

... for being so weak.

I have a problem with controlling my drinking so I shouldn't do it.

I managed 6 weeks sober Feb in to March - then let one drink slip in. Then two. This last week I had a day when I drank two bottles and then yesterday I bought a wine box.

Not sure how much I had, I don't remember anything after about 5pm last night (until just after midnight when I 'woke up' - it's 2.30 am in the UK now). I had been awake since 3.15am and working so I'm not sure how much was drinking tiredness and how much was 'actual' tiredness.

Anyhow, I have poured what was in the box away (by weight I reckon I had the equivalent of about 2 bottles again).

I have so much good in my life (wonderful child, gorgeous dog, a job I enjoy). I'm not stupid so why oh why am I letting this flaming substance control my life? I don't NEED it. It's not oxygen, it'snot food.

I'm going to the theatre with my son tonight so won't be drinking today - I am desperate to get back to the mindset which will make today the first day of lifelong sobriety. But I know I'm the only one who can do it.

I can feel a huge weight of responsibility on me and it scares me. Although I am sitting with the dog on the chair next to me and my son sleeping in the next room I feel very lonely.

Sorry for the ramble
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Old 04-24-2015, 06:29 PM
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Today is the first day of the rest of your life. Let today be a good day.
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Old 04-24-2015, 06:43 PM
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Well done on the 6 weeks. You can do it again and then some. Try to look at what might have happened when the 1 or 2 drinks slipped in - so in the future you can recognize warning bells earlier and be conscious of it - and take different measures so not to pick up the 1st drink.

I can relate...my past relapses have almost all just seemingly out of nowhere snuck up on me...I'd think "what's the big deal..." and often at first it would only be 2 or 3. I'd then say to myself, "hey, nothing bad happened." And repeat...until I'm sliding down that slippery slope days or weeks later, and I'm so gradually back to drinking to obliviate, not even noticing the descent.

Just know that it is not "being weak". This is what the disease does. And know that you can stay sober, and also that you're most definitely not alone - we're here and we get it
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Old 04-24-2015, 06:48 PM
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how about making this day 1 forever... think you are up to it?
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Old 04-24-2015, 06:50 PM
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Welcome back Virginia
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Old 04-24-2015, 06:58 PM
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Well congrats yiu are reaching out, acknowledge yiu have a problem, and poured out your booze. It sounds to me you are on the right track.
I do not think yiu are stupid for continuing to drink when yiu know it is bad for yiu, that is what a lot of us do.we have our reasons for reaching for alcohol time e and time again.
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Old 04-24-2015, 07:16 PM
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Thank you all for the kind words and good advice.
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Old 04-24-2015, 07:26 PM
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Good job on pouring out the rest of the booze. Staying away from that first drink is the key. Dust yourself off, and start again you can beat this.
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Old 04-24-2015, 07:31 PM
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Its not about what we've done, or have done. Its about what we will do, and you personal reflection and self awareness is a good sign. Goes to show that you want change, and I believe you will change.

You have many friends here, I've slipped and fallin many times. This habit come and get you if you don't watch out. However, here you are, you showed courage and posted and found support. Life is short, our time is limited, just go forward and be sober my friend.
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Old 04-25-2015, 02:08 AM
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Hope you are ok? You can do this, one day at a time!
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Old 04-25-2015, 03:04 AM
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Well, I didn't get anymore sleep in but my son told me that I went to bed at 9pm last night so I did get 4 hours of sleep as I woke up just after 1am!

I took the dog out for a walk, had a cooked breakfast with my son, got some hours of work under my belt and am now feeling 100% sober and 100% optimistic - so much different to how I was when I posted early this morning. I'm in the UK so it's now 11.05 am.

I AM going to get this nailed!
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Old 04-25-2015, 04:16 AM
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You can do this VW have you got a sobriety plan ?
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Old 04-25-2015, 05:00 AM
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Originally Posted by soberwolf View Post
You can do this VW have you got a sobriety plan ?
I haven't got a plan - I guess I should think on that!!

I am more aware than ever that my will power is virtually non existent when I'm tired. I need to keep that awareness at the forefront of my mind, especially when work is busy.

I'm going to do my main shop online from now on and see if my son will do the 'pop to the shop' mid-week bits. That way I can't 'just happen' to stroll down the drink aisle.

I've also made a list of the pros of stopping drinking. Financial, emotional, physical.

I'm going to start carrying a notebook around with me to note how I'm feeling, triggers etc if I get a craving.

I'll do anything to crack this
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Old 04-25-2015, 05:31 AM
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I can really hear your determination VW! I also drank last night (after 10 wks sober) and of the same mind as you now are today...to get through today without alcohol and keep going. Although it doesn't sound like it...I have found having a plan really helps. It helps me properly understand that just stopping drinking isn't enough. That there are other/new things I need to do to make living without the alcohol as easy as it can be (as it can be...cos we both know it's not easy). Anyway, I have lots of hope for both of us today...
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Old 04-25-2015, 08:43 AM
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Go at things again!! You can do this!!
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Old 04-25-2015, 02:59 PM
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Lots of info on making a recovery plan here:

http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...at-we-did.html
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Old 04-25-2015, 03:08 PM
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It's good to see you back, Virginia. And may I compliment you on one of the truly great usernames!

Do you have a plan for getting back on track?
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Old 04-25-2015, 10:11 PM
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Thank you all again.

Thank you for the link to the plan thread Dee. I'll have a proper read through when I'm awake more though I have downloaded the app.

Courage - my rescue dog is Ginny, nicknamed Virginia Woof (aren't nicknames meant to be shorter??) but when she's being naughty her nickname is Doggy Osbourne :-)
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Old 04-25-2015, 10:21 PM
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Welcome back, Virginia. It sounds like you have a good start. You dumped the wine, you wrote a pro/con list, you recognized a trigger, too. I just popped in to say, 'good job.'

Like you said, you have so many good things in your life.
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