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Ashamed and quite lost tonight

Old 04-24-2015, 04:19 PM
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Ashamed and quite lost tonight

I drank tonight - about 3/4 bottle of red wine after 70 days (tomorrow) sober for the first time in 30 + years. My first 'try' at abstinence because i havent really wanted to stop before now (sad i know). Tonight i've written 6 posts and deleted all of them because they don't begin to say what I need to say. Not sure this one does it either.

I'm still 'high' from drinking. Probably drunk on so little wine i guess because my body after 70 days 'free' is already no longer used to alcohol after the lifetime of almost constant daily usage. But i'm ok. Thankfully now in bed with one of the cats purring beside me. Me wanting to talk but not knowing what to say or who to say it to. But needing to say someting. Before coming to bed I sat in the garden in the glitter of fairy lights and let the rain pour on me whilst I had my last glass of wine... Honestly...?...i felt comforted. Alone, and sad but comforted. But although this sounds helpful to me...(i've had such an emotional week)...i'm very aware even in the middle of this - its not the answer

Theres unfortunately no-one really to share my predicament with. No family (at all), few friends and those i have dont know i problem drink and i get that... But this leaves me alone with it all. Please don't anyone suggest AA...I do respect what they do, and know they help so many, and I often refer many to their doors... But there's a zillion reasons why I need to manage my own sobriety without AA

My job is to look after others...their mental well being, and i know i do this well - based on my own experience of my work, lots of client feeback and their (fortunate) progression, and (of least importance to me) also my bosses opinions. So I manage my professional life still well - always have. But... I'm tired.. Of being recognised as someone who does my job so well, but in the process...isolated in being unable to have connections around me to share my own 'failings'..my alcohol intake mostly. My resulting aloneness - in most others feeling I am sooooo...sorted. Jeeeezzz...

Sorry...for the ramble...I'm tired and probably still a little drunk. I'm aware my main problem is my aloneness (as you can probably see?)...and I am deeply ashamed of that even after much therapy

I expect (hope) I will just sleep later tomorrow and just get back to doing one day at a time again....thanks for being out there to hear some of this at this late hour
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Old 04-24-2015, 04:31 PM
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Hey little bear ,
It always looks worse from the wrong side of a bottle of wine ..

I hope you have some water before bed , snuggle down , have an internet hug.
Loneliness isn't the kinda thing we can solve overnight on the internet but we can use this place as a tool and inspiration as to how to get the things we'd like in our life .
Don't let this slip floor you or keep you down for any longer , get up , get back to it .
Sober people have friends and social connections , Devon isn't that remote, this issue is solvable sober .

Take care , m
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Old 04-24-2015, 04:36 PM
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Thankyou M
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Old 04-24-2015, 04:36 PM
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Hi Littlebear you have done really well considering if this is the first time sober in 30+ years learn from this for sure dust yourself down & know youl have caring friends here in the morning for you

Dont get disheartened this is a stone in your journey a marker if like to remember from

Drink some water and try & rest my friend

(((((Littlebear)))))
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Old 04-24-2015, 04:36 PM
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Originally Posted by Littlebear View Post
But there's a zillion reasons why I need to manage my own sobriety
As my Dad has told me for years about everything: "Get on with it."
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Old 04-24-2015, 04:50 PM
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Don't beat yourself Littlebear, go at things again, you can do this!!
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Old 04-24-2015, 05:06 PM
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Hi littlebear

I'm glad you made it back.

When you're ready, read the thread at the top of the Newcomers forum about recovery plans.

Think about what you could do better. If you think you need face to face support think about what's available to you - if not AA, there's counselling, other meeting based recovery groups like WomenForSobriety, SMART Recovery, LifeRing, inpatient or outpatient rehab.

Think about what you're prepared to do - then do it

D
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Old 04-24-2015, 05:09 PM
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Those who care for others need to have others care for them sometimes, too.

It's just not possible to be the strong one 24/7/365. We all need somewhere to unload our burdens. How about some one-on-one therapy? That would be private and confidential. Or have you begun to make any friends here that you could talk to in private messages?

I know AA isn't for everyone for many reasons. How about church or a social group that isn't centered around alcohol? In my area there are many social groups that are book clubs, Audubon clubs, sewing or craft groups, gardening groups, etc. Maybe look into it?
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Old 04-24-2015, 05:10 PM
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I am glad you are here. I smile whenever you post because my son loved a show called Little Bear so much when he was little. Takes me back to a happy time. Get some rest and start again
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Old 04-24-2015, 05:25 PM
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Littlebear,

You are not alone. You may be alone technically speaking, but thousands of us go to bed every night feeling like you do, even if someone's next to us. Hugs
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Old 04-24-2015, 05:36 PM
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The good news is that you managed 70 days sober so obviously you can do it.
I could really relate to this part of your post
Theres unfortunately no-one really to share my predicament with. No family (at all), few friends and those i have dont know i problem drink and i get that... But this leaves me alone with it all. Please don't anyone suggest AA...I do respect what they do, and know they help so many, and I often refer many to their doors... But there's a zillion reasons why I need to manage my own sobriety without AA

My job is to look after others...
This is exactly me and this is why I also get face to face support (AA and now also Refuge Recovery). You see, my job is to take care of others too and make sure people have a safe place away from the streets.
Care taking takes a big mental toll sometimes. I remember working at a wet shelter for women (where they can come in at all times of the night in any conditions >meaning high, pissing drunk, belligerent< and I would feel so drained and so tired like I could not process it all.
I would pick up beer (2 tall ones) on my way home from work and slam them so I could pass out and not feel or think too much.
I drank alone, in secret and if I did not have some f2f support and I relapsed, I would have no one to turn to for help because people in my life don't know I am an alcoholic. This is actually what happened to me when I relapsed after 5 years. I was new in town and knew no one. I had also stopped going to AA...things got very rough and I picked up. It took me 6 years to get back into recovery.
I am not going to push AA on you but I agree with Dee and others, try to look for some alternative means of support or at least something to break your isolation and also help you deal with stress and feeling drained. Have you looked into meditation?

I hope you get some rest tonight. Tomorrow is a new day. Do not let your setbacks define you as a "failure" but see them instead as a learning experience and as stepping stones into a better future.

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Old 04-24-2015, 05:48 PM
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((((Little Bear)))) hugs

You are not alone. Tomorrow is another day. I don't mean to sound trite but these are so true! Glad you reached out to your friends at SR. We are here for you.
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Old 04-24-2015, 06:41 PM
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I'm sorry you have been feeling so alone little bear I hate feeling like that. It is so hard to always be toeing the line, doing everything for everyone with little or no support! Please pick back up with your sobriety~ 70 days, what a great start . I know you don't want to do aa, but maybe you could check out meetup.com. They have some great groups and while they may not be sobriety based maybe you could have some fun? Meet some different people? I have a lot of trouble with this issue myself plus overwork. I hope you feel better very soon.
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Old 04-24-2015, 06:46 PM
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I'm so glad you posted about what happened Littlebear. You're among friends, and we've all had those challenges. The last time this happened to me really was the last time - I never did it again. It wasn't fun and it wasn't worth it. We learn and we keep walking forward.
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Old 04-24-2015, 06:48 PM
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I've a big fan of meetup.com. There are many people looking for new friends and experiences and there is no commitment at all-if you don't care for a particular group, you don't go back.
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Old 04-25-2015, 04:09 AM
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Hello. Thanks so much to all of you for responding overnight. A relief to know I can reach out here at times if I need to. But I do understand Mecanix wise words that loneliness cannot be solved on the Internet. I know this to be true, but still needed to say some things last night. Very grateful you were all there. It made some difference.

Dee - if your still reading? Yes, I am making use of a recovery plan. Its one of the first important things i picked up from visiting this site - the immediate need of 'a plan'... So, I meditate, also been on retreat twice in these past weeks, eating better, exercising, have a therapist, keeping quite busy, and of course working a lot of hours assisting others' get well... I believe its because i am using a recovery plan that I havnt drank any alcohol for 70 days after most of my life drinking; for the past 6/7 years - mostly nightly drinking. Not tons in quantity, but always enough to numb/get me through. So a plan, has been the backbone of getting me through these intial 10 weeks...until last night. Being realistic, I suppose one night drinking was probably inevitable after such a history. What's important now is not continuing to drink.

What's missing from my plan...are people...I cannot just manufacture relationship. So...at times (not always) I am feeling chronically alone (because I am) and of course the alcohol in the past - over a lifetime has helped pacify some of this. Helped keep me going to be at least of tremendous use to others...that at least is something I don't imagine...

Yip, so I had my first hangover this morning in 10 weeks...not good. Wasted my saturday morning. Feels awful - even with less than a bottle of wine. So not recommending relapse to anyone!

I plan to stick to sobriety. And see what I can do to fill the void of intimacy with others in my own life...as i am not good at this. Weirdly, i am known for holding truley intimate relationships in my work with others...you have to laugh...

I know much about the reasons why personal inimacy is difficult still for me...extreme prolonged abuse in childhood/street homelessness at 15/no family from then on...and the absence of family never changed. I have formed relationships - many of them long term but - its incredibly hard for me. People i find, dont seem to want to be my friend...at least thats what i have always imagined. Although i do have some. Now i live alone...have done for several years, and some of you may remember also broke up with my partner that i loved - on the same day i also decided to stop drinking. So...i am aware this isnt an easy time. It wouldn't be for anyone. So I am trying to get through it best way I can - with the help of my plan...but it clearly needs integrating something around more time spent with 'people'. This is what I'm learning.

I've had much therapy in life already, and still going strong... But maybe for me this is as good as it gets... i am seeing that the alcohol has been covering up probably depression. So, this will take much time...I need to learn more (even in my 50s) more about how to relate easier to others...if I can....

Didn't intend such a long post...Sorry

Thank you for sending me your thoughts from your own experience...and hoping all of you are doing well on your own sober journeys....LB x
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Old 04-25-2015, 04:40 AM
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Littlebear - I also drank last night after being sober since January. We have a lot in common, family history of abuse, living alone, in our 50s. Too bad we don't live near one another! We could meet for tea or something. New day today... we must try to put this behind us and move forward. I wish you well and take care.
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Old 04-25-2015, 04:43 AM
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Dee - if your still reading? Yes, I am making use of a recovery plan. Its one of the first important things i picked up from visiting this site - the immediate need of 'a plan'... So, I meditate, also been on retreat twice in these past weeks, eating better, exercising, have a therapist, keeping quite busy, and of course working a lot of hours assisting others' get well... I believe its because i am using a recovery plan that I havnt drank any alcohol for 70 days after most of my life drinking; for the past 6/7 years - mostly nightly drinking. Not tons in quantity, but always enough to numb/get me through. So a plan, has been the backbone of getting me through these intial 10 weeks...until last night. Being realistic, I suppose one night drinking was probably inevitable after such a history. What's important now is not continuing to drink.

What's missing from my plan...are people...I cannot just manufacture relationship. So...at times (not always) I am feeling chronically alone (because I am) and of course the alcohol in the past - over a lifetime has helped pacify some of this. Helped keep me going to be at least of tremendous use to others...that at least is something I don't imagine...
yep, still reading

I hope you'll think about some of the suggestions I made before for face to face contact. I also think you;d get a lot out of being a regular contributor to a monthly thread...there's a lot of support that goes on in those threads...

it may not be face to face but the relationships formed are tangible and they do help

even tho April is nearly over we don't disqualify anyone from joining

http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...art-3-a-3.html

D
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Old 04-25-2015, 05:00 AM
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Big hug to you this morning Littlebear. You can do this. Dust yourself off, go over your plan, and follow it.

And don't discount your sobriety time. You made great progress.
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Old 04-25-2015, 06:25 AM
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Originally Posted by Hevyn View Post
I'm so glad you posted about what happened Littlebear. You're among friends, and we've all had those challenges. The last time this happened to me really was the last time - I never did it again. It wasn't fun and it wasn't worth it. We learn and we keep walking forward.
I am so glad to see you both back today! Hang tough and kick that AV in the a*** when he comes calling again!
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