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Words of encouragement please :)

Old 04-24-2015, 11:25 AM
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Words of encouragement please :)

I am going to be facing some pretty big sobriety challenges this weekend - and I'm hoping and praying I can be strong enough to face them.

Tomorrow I'm going to a party for my husband, who has been a SAINT during my difficult alcohol periods and super supportive in sobriety, and asked me to go as a favor to him since he wants to see his friends but also hang out with me. It is a birthday party for my husband's friend's one year old baby. Believe it or not, the one-year-old's birthday party is going to be filled with alcohol (and likely drug-fueled as well based on the people who are in attendance). Unfortunately, my husband's friends are uniformly into the party scene and are heavy substance abusers, and even when I was drinking heavily they make me very uncomfortable - they've always been degrading to me and dismissive to me. Whenever I've hung out with this group in the past I've drank heavily just to block out how terrible I feel around them.

My anxiety level is probably in the 90-95% level right now, and I am dreading this party. But I also am feeling like no way am I going to let these a**holes mess up the sobriety that I have been working so hard for!

Anyway.... words of encouragement to help me stay strong would be so much appreciated. Thanks in advance
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Old 04-24-2015, 11:29 AM
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I don't mean this to sound as bad as it does, but why in the world would you want to be around these people? They sound horrible and not a very good environment for a one year olds birthday party.

I really think I'd find a way to bow out gracefully. How long have you been sober? This sounds like a dangerous idea. You can't use alcohol to fall back on when you start feeling uncomfortable. Please, don't go.

Do something better for yourself.
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Old 04-24-2015, 11:31 AM
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Hi cambie. Just wondering why you can't take a rain check for this party? I can't imagine your husband not understanding.
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Old 04-24-2015, 11:40 AM
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Let your husband know how you feel. That sounds like a horrible time.
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Old 04-24-2015, 11:47 AM
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Just to add...

When I was about 1 month Sober, my DH had a friend who was celebrating his birthday. They were going into the city and partying it up. I was initially going to go, and the more I thought about it, the more I just KNEW I couldn't go. The city was big trigger for me. Every time I went to said city, I always got trashed. I told my husband to go and have a good time, but I was going to stay home. I didn't mind him going without me. He's not a big drinker but he wanted to hang out with his friend.

I stayed home that night, and I was so glad that I had the strength to recognize that that was the BEST thing I could have ever done.

This doesn't even sound like an enjoyable occasion. You said yourself that your anxiety is UP! You don't have to do anything that makes you uncomfortable! Your comfort MATTERS!
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Old 04-24-2015, 11:48 AM
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FYI - been sober one month six days, so still very early in sobreity. I would LOVE a way to bow out but my husband really hasn't asked anything of me until now, he's been fine with us staying in and watching movies instead of going out and being social.

These people are horrible but "these have been his friends for 15 years - even though he doesn't have anything in common with them anymore" etc etc. He just wants to have nice day with all of us together. I've put him through hell for years of blackouts, drinking binges, etc. so I want to do this for him :/
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Old 04-24-2015, 11:53 AM
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Put nothing before your sobriety & sorry but i 10,000% wouldnt go not if you paid me

in early sobriety Cambie this is very very risky & dangerous

I would tell your husband straight your not ready for this at a month in drinks & drugs at a kids party

Pls heed the advice Cambie ((((()))))
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Old 04-24-2015, 11:54 AM
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Originally Posted by cambie03 View Post
FYI - been sober one month six days, so still very early in sobreity. I would LOVE a way to bow out but my husband really hasn't asked anything of me until now, he's been fine with us staying in and watching movies instead of going out and being social.

These people are horrible but "these have been his friends for 15 years - even though he doesn't have anything in common with them anymore" etc etc. He just wants to have nice day with all of us together. I've put him through hell for years of blackouts, drinking binges, etc. so I want to do this for him :/

Sorry, but this isn't doing ANYONE any favors. Your husband should understand and be supportive. This kind of occasion is the last thing you need in your sobriety right now. I do hope you can see that. Is he going to be drinking and engaging in "other" activities leaving you alone to be uncomfortable and to be "looked down upon"?

Just because you don't ask much of him doesn't mean the first thing you do for him has to be a party that puts your sobriety in such danger! I'd be SO triggered at something like this, even now, 3 years sober.

If you MUST go, be sure to have a plan for if you feel overwhelmed.. Have an exit strategy, or a code word you can say to your husband when you are ready to go.
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Old 04-24-2015, 11:57 AM
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Originally Posted by cambie03 View Post
These people are horrible but "these have been his friends for 15 years - even though he doesn't have anything in common with them anymore" etc etc. He just wants to have nice day with all of us together. I've put him through hell for years of blackouts, drinking binges, etc. so I want to do this for him :/
Tell him he deserves time with his friends. He's a grown man, he can go alone. Without going into how his friends treat you, explain how it will be a challenge for you, one you can't risk.

I think you will regret going even if you don't drink because it doesn't sound enjoyable. And if you do drink...well, you'll really regret going.

Don't undo the work you've put into your sobriety.
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Old 04-24-2015, 12:05 PM
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I agree, I wouldn't go.

I do understand that you feel obligated to your husband, but surely you can come up with a healthy way to hang out with him. How about going out for brunch this weekend or to a movie? If you feel about these people the way you do, you shouldn't go and your husband should accept that.
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Old 04-24-2015, 12:08 PM
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Originally Posted by Live2Run25 View Post
I don't mean this to sound as bad as it does, but why in the world would you want to be around these people? They sound horrible and not a very good environment for a one year olds birthday party.

I really think I'd find a way to bow out gracefully. How long have you been sober? This sounds like a dangerous idea. You can't use alcohol to fall back on when you start feeling uncomfortable. Please, don't go.

Do something better for yourself.
ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding...
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Old 04-24-2015, 12:12 PM
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Okay, the uniformity of these comments is telling me I need to be a little selfish and tell my husband I can't go to this party. I've known that all along that this is going to be a bad environment -- I mean, how weird and strange is it to be worried about alcohol and drugs at a one year olds birthday party?? But the biggest issue as everyone addressed here is messing up my own sobriety. I feel a little selfish saying I can't go but yeah, sounds like the temptation just won't be worth it.
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Old 04-24-2015, 12:17 PM
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Old 04-24-2015, 12:18 PM
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Originally Posted by cambie03 View Post
Okay, the uniformity of these comments is telling me I need to be a little selfish and tell my husband I can't go to this party. I've known that all along that this is going to be a bad environment -- I mean, how weird and strange is it to be worried about alcohol and drugs at a one year olds birthday party?? But the biggest issue as everyone addressed here is messing up my own sobriety. I feel a little selfish saying I can't go but yeah, sounds like the temptation just won't be worth it.
There is NOTHING selfish about wanting to stay sober, and being happy in your own skin. You said yourself you won't be comfortable here. You said that you put your husband through the ringer with your drinking. Why risk doing it again? One month is fantastic, but it's still really fresh and raw, like a healing open wound. It won't take much to tear it back open, causing it to take twice as long to heal. It sounds like you are putting his needs above your own, and you really can't with sobriety. Honestly, your husband is a little selfish asking you to even come to this with him. Why in the world would you take someone in recovery to a party like this. You are NOT being selfish by not going, you are being responsible.
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Old 04-24-2015, 12:40 PM
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(((((Cambie)))))
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Old 04-24-2015, 12:45 PM
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Originally Posted by cambie03 View Post
I feel a little selfish saying I can't go but yeah, sounds like the temptation just won't be worth it.
Sometimes, we need to be selfish.

I wouldn't have become an alcoholic if I had had the confidence to be selfish on occasion. Instead I insisted on trying to do/be everything for my family until there was nothing left to give. Saying 'No' has been a crucial part of my recovery.
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Old 04-24-2015, 01:07 PM
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Originally Posted by cambie03 View Post
Okay, the uniformity of these comments is telling me I need to be a little selfish and tell my husband I can't go to this party. I've known that all along that this is going to be a bad environment -- I mean, how weird and strange is it to be worried about alcohol and drugs at a one year olds birthday party?? But the biggest issue as everyone addressed here is messing up my own sobriety. I feel a little selfish saying I can't go but yeah, sounds like the temptation just won't be worth it.
When it comes to my sobriety, selfish is okay.

And also when it comes to my sobriety, I make the rules.

These people don't need you to get drunk and high - it sounds like they can do that just fine without you.

You walked down the aisle with your husband, not these people.

I wouldn't consider this matter any further.

Glad you raised the issue in this thread.

That's why we're all here.
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Old 04-24-2015, 01:08 PM
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Sounds like the people at the party would probably remember you being there about as well as the 1 year old.
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Old 04-24-2015, 01:10 PM
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Originally Posted by cambie03 View Post
Believe it or not, the one-year-old's birthday party is going to be filled with alcohol (and likely drug-fueled as well based on the people who are in attendance). Unfortunately, my husband's friends are uniformly into the party scene and are heavy substance abusers, and even when I was drinking heavily they make me very uncomfortable - they've always been degrading to me and dismissive to me.
Hmmmm.....
This just doesn't sound right.
I think you know what to do.
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Old 04-24-2015, 01:36 PM
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hey, I haven't been able to go to a restaurant yet...I even stayed home from a family vacation...the drinking temptations are too great. you are not being selfish...you are keeping yourself safe.
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