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Now sober I understand why I drank. I'm about to relapse.

Old 04-24-2015, 09:37 AM
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Now sober I understand why I drank. I'm about to relapse.

No drinking for like 4 months.

A short history. Worked construction for years, got paid good, economy crashed in '08, got laid off. Then had a bad accident that left me with screwed up hands. Haven't worked since. Now my mental state is crap. Went to counseling for awhile, did no good and stopped going when the counselor said "you know, you've been thru a lot no wonder you feel like that". A lightbulb went off, you're right. What's the alt? Take drugs and walk around in a daze and ignore it all? No thanks. To top it all off, I now have a bad temper and as a result just recently acquired a misdeamenor assault on my record.

So here I am, 46 years old, crippled hands, a record, no job in 6 years, denied disability twice, kicked out of the vocational rehab program after wasting months till they realized I was not on disability and that's how it is paid for.

So I had this stupid idea of going back to school. I hated it, I quit. If there are a lot of older students these days........they sures the hell werent where I was at. Not only that, ive looked a lot into the economy, jobs, degrees etc. Waste of time. And if you don't think it isn't...........you havn't been paying attention. What? Go get an engineering degree at my age when there's laid off engineers with 20+ years of exp all over the US?

Even though I have jacked up hands, I can still use tools but I have to handle them differently and can't do things as fast as I could and all these employers are cherry picking. That is, of course, unless you are an expert ass kisser and can run your mouth and get hired on that alone--which i've seen happen a lot. Anyhow I used to build certain things in my shop that sold quit well. Thought id start that again. No ones buying anything. Scrap that idea.

I'm about ready to just go buy a 55 gallon drum of grain alcohol and drink till I flatline. No kidding. I've just really had it.
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Old 04-24-2015, 09:38 AM
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BTW, i've always drank. But since '08 it really increased. For obvious reasons.
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Old 04-24-2015, 09:45 AM
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And then what?

Lose your temper and assault someone else, or do stupid things, our eat really crappy, or fall and hurt yourself, or...

And then tomorrow wake up with a second assault on your record, a hangover from hell, ashamed and full of guilt, with anxiety and feeling like $&@?...

And the worse part will be that everything will be the same. I would suggest you go back and read your posts from before and remember why you came here and the person that you want to be or go for a walk, take a shower.

This will pass and you can make it through.
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Old 04-24-2015, 09:52 AM
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I was a terrible high school student, barely graduated. My entire family were alcoholics. Needless to say, I wasn't college material. I was also an alky at this time. I also had major issues which I don't care to discuss at the moment. At any rate, worked one crap job after another, finally reaching the pinacle of my loser career as a mgr of a pizza joint where I met my now wife. I kid with her all the time when things are tight......heh your the dumbass that married a fast food worker. So after enduring countless years of agony getting to watch all the relatives who had real jobs buy houses, cars, etc my big break finally came. Well that was all yanked away in '08. Do you honestly think I feel like rebuilding, or whatever you want to call it, at this point in time? I should be 9 years out from retirement, living in a nice house, and have money. Instead my house is halfway remodeled cause I can't afford to finish it, I have no health insurance, no job, a pension that sent me a letter telling me they upped my retirement to 65 since I haven't worked in a couple years--and they are in critical status as well, everything has been ruined. On top of it all I get to rid about this fairytale economic recovery on a daily basis which in itself is enough of a reason to go jump in front of train just to shut off the noise and lies.

BTW----what do you call a so-called friend that always seemingly have zero interests in what you are trying to do, but yet when they accomplish something it's all they want to talk about OR if they try to do something they wont talk to you because they are busy? I emptied a lot of numbers out of my phone this am im thru with all of them.
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Old 04-24-2015, 09:55 AM
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Originally Posted by Nowsthetime View Post
And then what?

Lose your temper and assault someone else, or do stupid things, our eat really crappy, or fall and hurt yourself, or...

And then tomorrow wake up with a second assault on your record, a hangover from hell, ashamed and full of guilt, with anxiety and feeling like $&@?...

And the worse part will be that everything will be the same. I would suggest you go back and read your posts from before and remember why you came here and the person that you want to be or go for a walk, take a shower.

This will pass and you can make it through.
Which is probably why i'm not going to drink, but I certainly can now understand why I would. A person can only take so much.
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Old 04-24-2015, 10:00 AM
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Your anger is radiating out of my computer screen... I get it. You have had to deal with some very harsh blows. I feel for you. Life is not fair (understatement of the year). Once you can see yourself clear, maybe try counseling again specifically for your anger. Anger is weighing you down and it will eat you alive. I wish you well.
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Old 04-24-2015, 10:05 AM
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I'm so glad to hear you say that you are not going to drink. I'm sorry that you are going through this right now and I hope it passes soon. At least you're venting here...
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Old 04-24-2015, 10:07 AM
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Woah Dog69 - You sound like you're heading for a bleak place. So much anger and frustration. I remember feeling like that - thankfully I managed to work past it without succumbing to the old Alcoholic Voice whispering it's false promises of making everything better. You know it won't solve any of those listed resentment. Not one of them. It'll just make you feel worse.

Can I ask what you're doing for your recovery? Are you in any program or getting support outside of here? Everyone is different, but I found that AA and working the 12-step program has done wonders to get past my anger. You're right that a person can only take so much - but I'm finding that I can actually 'take' a great deal more now than I could in the first months of being sober. Hang in there - things will get better if you stay sober. Not necessarily quickly - but they will.

It may not be easy - but it will be worth it.

Take care and good luck.
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Old 04-24-2015, 10:08 AM
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Yes, I am venting here. Better than at the bar because the first person that mouths off i'd be going to jail.
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Old 04-24-2015, 10:18 AM
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First, congratulations on your 4 months of sobriety. That is a huge accomplishment. Please don't throw away the hard work that you have put in to achieving such a long period of sobriety. I think you know that drinking will not solve one of the problems that you reference in your post. And drinking will likely make many of them worse. Urges are normal. Cravings are normal. Even at 4 months. You just have to find ways to deal with those urges, other than to simply give in to them.

Second, welcome to SR. I am glad you are here with us. There are a lot of helpful, supportive people who, believe it or not, really do understand how you feel.

Third, I am sorry about your work injury and the rough hand that you have been dealt. Having to re-educate and re-train yourself at your age is certainly a challenge. I admit that I have not had to deal with the problems that you have. But others here at SR have. And they have succeeded. You can too. And while I don't mean to sound insensitive, your success is not determined by the hand that you are dealt as much as how you play your cards.

We are here to help and to encourage. But the real work has to be done by you. And it begins with your determination to address your problems, and your continuing to fight the urge to give up. I know you are capable of overcoming these challenges. Your getting and staying sober for 4 months proves that. You just need to keep that determination and to find the best way to address your work/career situation.

Good luck, dog69. I hope you will keep posting and let us know how you are doing.
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Old 04-24-2015, 10:21 AM
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I think im just going to go nap for awhile. Maybe kick the dog lol.
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Old 04-24-2015, 10:22 AM
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Trust me you know drinking will solve nothing
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Old 04-24-2015, 10:29 AM
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I get it, trying to get a job with strikes against you is difficult. But, it's a lot easier to do so with ONE incident, than a whole list of them because you keep drinking and getting in trouble.

Drinking is only going to make everything worse.
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Old 04-24-2015, 10:38 AM
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You are alive and you are sober. That's a hell of a lot more than some people have and many would trade a lot of material things to have what you do. Don't give up what you've worked so hard for to simply spite yourself.
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Old 04-24-2015, 11:45 AM
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Congratulations on 4 months sober.

Could you try again with the disability claim? Is it possible that you could get a lawyer to help you out with that?

I'm really sorry that you are struggling so much.
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Old 04-24-2015, 12:20 PM
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Originally Posted by dog69 View Post
I think im just going to go nap for awhile. Maybe kick the dog lol.
Please don't take your anger out on the dog.
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Old 04-24-2015, 12:36 PM
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I once was mad because I had no shoes until I saw a man who had no feet.
"Anyhow I used to build certain things in my shop that sold quit well. Thought id start that again. No ones buying anything. Scrap that idea."

I think you're defeating yourself with that thought process. People are buying. It's the market that ya gotta find.
I'm a forced into retirement carpenter. On disability due to health reasons. I still make and sell woodworking items. They wouldn't sell if I did t work at getting my name out there. It wasn't that hard either. Word of mouth does wonders.
There are many outlets on the www to sell items,too. If I worked hard at it I could end up swamped, but I'm just not physically able to work full time/ OT.
Personally I think ya ought to just get busy making stuff while also looking at how to market it.
Mindif I ask what it is ya make? I may be able to help Ya find the market.
My brother recently moved from Wichita after living there for many years. He did woodworking as a hobby a d sold a lot of his items in Wichita.
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Old 04-24-2015, 07:05 PM
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Originally Posted by tomsteve View Post
I once was mad because I had no shoes until I saw a man who had no feet.
"Anyhow I used to build certain things in my shop that sold quit well. Thought id start that again. No ones buying anything. Scrap that idea."

I think you're defeating yourself with that thought process. People are buying. It's the market that ya gotta find.
I'm a forced into retirement carpenter. On disability due to health reasons. I still make and sell woodworking items. They wouldn't sell if I did t work at getting my name out there. It wasn't that hard either. Word of mouth does wonders.
There are many outlets on the www to sell items,too. If I worked hard at it I could end up swamped, but I'm just not physically able to work full time/ OT.
Personally I think ya ought to just get busy making stuff while also looking at how to market it.
Mindif I ask what it is ya make? I may be able to help Ya find the market.
My brother recently moved from Wichita after living there for many years. He did woodworking as a hobby a d sold a lot of his items in Wichita.

First off I didn't drink. I went and lifted weights and then ate a bunch, then I napped. Despite my hands I am actually quit strong I just have bad dexterity and severe nerve damage in all fingers. I make rock saws for rockhounds. My main selling platform is Ebay. I've been on ebay since the beenie baby days and if I say things aren't moving the way that they should that's how it is. Not trying to sound overly smartass but I know what i'm doing. I will branch out, I have other places to sell this stuff it was just another thing I haven't thought through clearly that is screwing me and just adding to my problems. I am offering stuff for less than I ever have that used to fly off the shelves, now nothing. You do realize 100 million people are out of the workforce right? That does take a toll after awhile. And yes, people are still buying stuff but to say it's like it was is an overstatement-at the least.

As far as getting a lawyer to help with a claim......a lawyer is who screwed me in the first place. You know that little note you're supposed to have that states you can't work for 12 months? I went thru hell getting that because my doctor was a superstar plastic surgeon and hard to reach and mr. dumbass just conveniently forgot to include that in my claim. Twice!! I am convinced he was dragging it out to make more money. The claim got dropped because I threatened him and his stupid ass secretary and both of them are lucky they walk this planet.
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Old 04-24-2015, 07:09 PM
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I now shut my phone off on friday and saturday nights. The neighbor stumbled over blown out of his gourd talking about how much he missed me, not the sober me, but the drunk me. As if I have died, really pissed me off actually. That reminded me of a vid on youtube that I die laughing at everytime I see it. It's really sad, as it's real, but at the same time comical as hell. At least imo. I don't know if it's against rules to post this if it is I won't do it again:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YBM48uF35ms
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Old 04-24-2015, 07:12 PM
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I was in your position back in 2002. I tried my best to drink until I flatlined but 5 years later I was still alive desperately unhappy and pissed off at the world.

I decided if I wasn't gonna die I still had things to offer the world. I did a lot of volunteering - sure, no money but it gave me back my self esteem and a sense of purpose. Doesn't look bad on a CV either.

That was the start of my new life. It's nothing like what I thought it would be, but that's ok - it's better than anything I could ever dream up.

I did eventually get disability, I did eventually find a Dr to help me with my medical issues, and I did eventually get back to doing what I love which in my case is music.

It's not going to happen overnight, but you can change your life dog

Sober you at least have the chance of change...drunk, nothing's going to change, brother.

D
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