So you did wrong
 

You know, I've done so much wrong, I wronged so many people. I've been horrible to my wife and daughter. I ignored everyone, I lied, cheated, stole, been wronger then wrong.

I honestly don't know there is an redeemable quality. On numerous occasions, I thought to myself Jeremy, you drunk a hole what is your value look at what you've done. It was an endless hell, stuck in bed all day, months and at least 2 years in bed. Then the voices came, they told me to kill me, they told me I was a horrible person, " the prophesies must be fulfilled, they need a sacrifice, time to die".

A bit disturbing, I am very honest and open about my diagnosis and where I go, I am a bit off and bounce all over the place. Depression, and voices, and anxiety just about took me. I don't even know where I am at today on occasion. A neurotic, deceitful twit, its not that I don't know, its more like how do you change?

Waking up and knowing I can't gamble, I can't drink, I can't use drugs, I can't do anything, I must be sober. I mean really what do normal people do, I am at a loss. What the hell? Wife wants me to dance with her, a ballroom sort of thing! Really, no TDG ( Jeremy) says no..... We don't dance.

Really, so much wrong and horrible things in my life, so many i've wrong and things that I can't even speak of, but you know I am still here! Still here! What else can I do or want they say, I don't know, I'd like the voices and anxiety to completely to go away, but even meds don't always work.

I am in rehab, only about 8 days sober, I messed up last week, if the situation were looked at over 2 months it would look good, bu still not sober. The depression, forcing myself to get out daily, riding the anxiety out, we're talking sweating and thinking death is going to get me. The voices, I think I am cursed, I think I might have to live with them forever, the meds are only partially working.

I've thought about you. 8 days is a great start!

Thank you FLcamper, man I love camping, I used to make a mean camp fire roasted corn. Life didn't have to be perfect, just sitting around a fire, with friends and some good eats. We used to do this regularly at Fort Stevens state Park Oregon, we'd always eat well, then head out to the beach for sunset on the Oregon coast. I'd write out there, I wrote quite a bit, I threw away most of it, but it was the epitome of all that was good.

I firmly believe it's never too late to write a new ending to our story Jeremy.

Give your meds a chance - if you've been drinking last week they're not going to work as well...you might have to give yourself a little more time to allow them to 'bed in'.

D

TDG, I hope you can hang in there - I feel your pain.

One of the things that happens in sobriety is that we do different things and we do old things differently. At first this change is uncomfortable, change is unsettling for most people and, in recovery, we have to get past that discomfort and stay with it until the changed thing becomes part of our new normal.

New activities, new interests, new routines are part of our sober lives. If we don't change from what we did in the past it is hard for sobriety to stick. Often there are threads on SR where people post wondering how to live their new sober lives.

Your wife seems to be a great support in your life. I understand from what you have said that she is in recovery herself, is finishing study and is being a help to you as she learns to live her own new life.

You said ....
Why not do this? Your wife has been wonderful to you, she has asked for an activity that you would both participate in and it would be a new interest for you. Think about it Jeremy.

Hi TDG ,
wishing that the voices will go away ... well maybe they will or maybe they won't , just accept thats how it is for the moment and look at what you can be …
They don't stop you being sober , being a decent dad or being a loving husband , you can be that despite the voices .

Sounds like you've got a lot of potential good things in your life , i hope you build on those strengths .

keep on :You_Rock_

m

We are all broken in a million different pieces... and place... but, by being broken we allow the light in... I forget who said that... but, I love the way it sounds.

Maybe you should take your wife up on dancing. Sounds like a good place to start maybe