Checking in at 4+ months.
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Join Date: Aug 2013
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Sometimes my AV aka The Beast is so loud, impossible to ignore, I have to get loud back. "No you whiny little brat you will not be getting a drink today. Thank you for sharing Beast, now run along and leave the grown-up to make the decisions around here" lol
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Join Date: Oct 2013
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You guys and gals are way too amazing! Thank you for all the kind responses 
I consider myself lucky to be amongst so many people with such great insight and experience.
In relation to the dating thing, I signed up for an online dating thing just to check it out and I and am finding it is a bit too much right now. It felt so desperate and forced putting myself out there like that, maybe I just need to get used to it. Already experienced my first creepy proposition, it was shocking. I honestly didn't think there were perverted girls out there like that! Makes me think this whole dating thing is going to be interesting, I've been out of the loop for so long. I figured signing up would be a healthier distraction from my obvious heartache over my ex. It was but still a physical relationship is something I don't think I am interested in, maybe an online one just to chat, I dunno. I'm confused but guarding my sobriety is top priority. This might not make sense, but I am writing just to kind of figure things out here.
Thank you!
I consider myself lucky to be amongst so many people with such great insight and experience.In relation to the dating thing, I signed up for an online dating thing just to check it out and I and am finding it is a bit too much right now. It felt so desperate and forced putting myself out there like that, maybe I just need to get used to it. Already experienced my first creepy proposition, it was shocking. I honestly didn't think there were perverted girls out there like that! Makes me think this whole dating thing is going to be interesting, I've been out of the loop for so long. I figured signing up would be a healthier distraction from my obvious heartache over my ex. It was but still a physical relationship is something I don't think I am interested in, maybe an online one just to chat, I dunno. I'm confused but guarding my sobriety is top priority. This might not make sense, but I am writing just to kind of figure things out here.
Thank you!
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Join Date: Jul 2010
Posts: 10,912
Justin, if you feel that you are not ready for dating, then don't do it. It's really not worth it to risk sobriety. I've met lots of great people online, many I've never seen IRL, and yet I've had amazing interactions with a few of them. I sometimes did not find these much less involving (and taxing) emotionally than 3D life relationships though, it can get pretty intense, sometimes even more because it allows fantasies to flow freely without much reality check, at least in my experiences. But maybe that's my fault at least partially
I would suggest that you put your safety first for a while, whatever that means to you, and continue doing the great work that you have been doing in your recovery so far.
I would suggest that you put your safety first for a while, whatever that means to you, and continue doing the great work that you have been doing in your recovery so far.
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Join Date: Oct 2013
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Posts: 750
haennie,
I re-read my posts and just realized, in one sentence I am said it didn't really bother me that my ex was dating, but then I turn around and talk about the obvious heartache! Also, I have clearly stated that I am not ready to date yet I dipped my toes in an online dating venture. Funny how I can say one thing and do the other. I think you are correct and I really appreciate your honesty. I am still relatively new in sobriety, and am fragile. I just wish I could get over this nagging feeling of jealousy. I only found out about my ex the day before yesterday, and even though I thought I was over it it still hurts. I can just give it more time and work on myself, I know deep down that it will be the most rewarding option to explore. I guess even an online relationship could bring in more feelings, rejection, confusion that could distract me from my primary goal. I was indulging in the thoughts of having to confirm that I am still desirable now that I am truly single. I have a gut feeling, a knowing that I am, but still doubts creep in.
I'm so thankful for this place where I can come to bounce my ideas off of other people with more experience so they can help me to filter out and discard thoughts that might be just a distraction. I know I gotta stay the course and it will get better. Back to the 10% thing, I gotta look at that being that yeah this is a major event in my life and its 90% up to me how I navigate it, and most importantly keep my sobriety.
My temp therapist told me to write, so I am writing here and it is actually helping. I have to go through the grieving process, I just thought I was through it, but more was revealed and more will be. I feel strong.
I re-read my posts and just realized, in one sentence I am said it didn't really bother me that my ex was dating, but then I turn around and talk about the obvious heartache! Also, I have clearly stated that I am not ready to date yet I dipped my toes in an online dating venture. Funny how I can say one thing and do the other. I think you are correct and I really appreciate your honesty. I am still relatively new in sobriety, and am fragile. I just wish I could get over this nagging feeling of jealousy. I only found out about my ex the day before yesterday, and even though I thought I was over it it still hurts. I can just give it more time and work on myself, I know deep down that it will be the most rewarding option to explore. I guess even an online relationship could bring in more feelings, rejection, confusion that could distract me from my primary goal. I was indulging in the thoughts of having to confirm that I am still desirable now that I am truly single. I have a gut feeling, a knowing that I am, but still doubts creep in.
I'm so thankful for this place where I can come to bounce my ideas off of other people with more experience so they can help me to filter out and discard thoughts that might be just a distraction. I know I gotta stay the course and it will get better. Back to the 10% thing, I gotta look at that being that yeah this is a major event in my life and its 90% up to me how I navigate it, and most importantly keep my sobriety.
My temp therapist told me to write, so I am writing here and it is actually helping. I have to go through the grieving process, I just thought I was through it, but more was revealed and more will be. I feel strong.
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Join Date: Jul 2010
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Your feelings and what you perceive as confusion are totally normal, I think. Not even just for early sobriety, but in life in general. We all are walking contradictions, I think that makes humans interesting Well, one interesting thing. I do get your feeling disturbed about these irrational and contradictory feelings though, I often have the same, because typically I tend to strive for order and consistency. But emotions just don't work that way... I also completely understand if you feel uneasy about the jealousy. That's a big issue for me as well sometimes... normally I don't tend to experience jealousy often, and even then typically not intensely -- the idea of people wanting to "own"each-other always makes me cringe, I know it's a natural feeling but, for me, it is in direct opposition with some features that are central and very dominant in my value system, which is personal freedom. So when I do feel jealous, I tend to really struggle with it and tend to hide it because I don't want to behave inconsistently with those things that I always preach. But then I'm conflicted again, because honesty is also something I feel very strongly about in general. It can get complicated.
If you are in therapy, I would think that's the best place to bring up and discuss these feelings! If you are inclined to write, I agree it can be very useful and therapeutic. And if you do it here, you may help a lot of other people with sharing your experiences and insights. Writing was also recommended to me by my former therapist in the beginning, and I decided to actually journal about the therapy process itself, and lots of stuff related to it. I have a tendency that I often have delayed emotional reactions... so I am not always able to fully reflect on whatever is discussed in therapy, right in the moment. I go home and write tons of stuff as they come up, associations, more intellectual/philosophical analyses related to all of it, whatever. And share all that stuff with therapist. My first one even used some of what came from me in his teaching, apparently; I was very happy to learn that. I have a new therapist now... about two months in... and this is a whole different experience and relationship, also more intense as I go 3 times a week instead of once previously. If you are looking for "distraction" that you can also infuse with your emotions, I find the therapy thing a great way to do that, and it's much more because the information gathered is actually extremely useful and beneficial. I'm so immersed in this right now that I don't even have emotional capacity left for an intimate relationship at the moment. It's something I've always wanted to experience and use it for my benefit, so I'm quite stoked. It also gets confusing at times, but it's part of the process
I agree that our quality of life depends more on how we subjectively experience and handle it rather than the actual events. Perhaps this is true more for those of us who tend to be quite introspective and reflective, and you definitely strike my as someone like that, so I think the approach will work for you well.
As for the feelings about your ex: they will pass. I actually would not recommend using dating now as distraction or substitute, because it may not become a "real" relationship, more your projected feelings on someone new who might not even have a clue and you might also "wake up" one day feeling that you don't truly want the whole thing. Again, take it to your therapy if you can, if you are working with someone very good, it might become a pretty unique and very helpful experience.
Well, one interesting thing. I do get your feeling disturbed about these irrational and contradictory feelings though, I often have the same, because typically I tend to strive for order and consistency. But emotions just don't work that way... I also completely understand if you feel uneasy about the jealousy. That's a big issue for me as well sometimes... normally I don't tend to experience jealousy often, and even then typically not intensely -- the idea of people wanting to "own"each-other always makes me cringe, I know it's a natural feeling but, for me, it is in direct opposition with some features that are central and very dominant in my value system, which is personal freedom. So when I do feel jealous, I tend to really struggle with it and tend to hide it because I don't want to behave inconsistently with those things that I always preach. But then I'm conflicted again, because honesty is also something I feel very strongly about in general. It can get complicated. If you are in therapy, I would think that's the best place to bring up and discuss these feelings! If you are inclined to write, I agree it can be very useful and therapeutic. And if you do it here, you may help a lot of other people with sharing your experiences and insights. Writing was also recommended to me by my former therapist in the beginning, and I decided to actually journal about the therapy process itself, and lots of stuff related to it. I have a tendency that I often have delayed emotional reactions... so I am not always able to fully reflect on whatever is discussed in therapy, right in the moment. I go home and write tons of stuff as they come up, associations, more intellectual/philosophical analyses related to all of it, whatever. And share all that stuff with therapist. My first one even used some of what came from me in his teaching, apparently; I was very happy to learn that. I have a new therapist now... about two months in... and this is a whole different experience and relationship, also more intense as I go 3 times a week instead of once previously. If you are looking for "distraction" that you can also infuse with your emotions, I find the therapy thing a great way to do that, and it's much more because the information gathered is actually extremely useful and beneficial. I'm so immersed in this right now that I don't even have emotional capacity left for an intimate relationship at the moment. It's something I've always wanted to experience and use it for my benefit, so I'm quite stoked. It also gets confusing at times, but it's part of the process
I agree that our quality of life depends more on how we subjectively experience and handle it rather than the actual events. Perhaps this is true more for those of us who tend to be quite introspective and reflective, and you definitely strike my as someone like that, so I think the approach will work for you well.
As for the feelings about your ex: they will pass. I actually would not recommend using dating now as distraction or substitute, because it may not become a "real" relationship, more your projected feelings on someone new who might not even have a clue and you might also "wake up" one day feeling that you don't truly want the whole thing. Again, take it to your therapy if you can, if you are working with someone very good, it might become a pretty unique and very helpful experience.
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Join Date: Oct 2013
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haennie,
I had a complete delayed emotional response with the news from my ex. I was totally cool with it then slowly as the day went on I became irritated, got the craving, got through it, and it is slowly getting better. Actually today so far is pretty good. I also am pretty collected when it comes to intense emotions, at least I appear that way. Jealousy is one thing I thought I had a real handle on, and to admit it even in text in regards to this situation was actually difficult for me! I am usually very aware of possible jealousy in me and never allow myself to indulge in it. But I guess its another feeling that I have to allow to process and pass.
Instead of "waking up" one day in a relationship I am not really into, I would rather experience it during therapy. I am looking forward to my upcoming appt that I have with a dedicated therapist. I am going to take this energy into it, and really go in with the aim of self discovery and self growth. I think of it as an investment that could be really interesting and informative.
After reading, talking, and digesting this great advice I feel almost back at a baseline to where I was before. Moving along in a good way through sobriety. Almost. Still work to do, but I really thank you for sharing your thoughts. Your advice is valuable beyond measure, really. I will be the first to by your book when it comes out
I had a complete delayed emotional response with the news from my ex. I was totally cool with it then slowly as the day went on I became irritated, got the craving, got through it, and it is slowly getting better. Actually today so far is pretty good.
I also am pretty collected when it comes to intense emotions, at least I appear that way. Jealousy is one thing I thought I had a real handle on, and to admit it even in text in regards to this situation was actually difficult for me! I am usually very aware of possible jealousy in me and never allow myself to indulge in it. But I guess its another feeling that I have to allow to process and pass.Instead of "waking up" one day in a relationship I am not really into, I would rather experience it during therapy. I am looking forward to my upcoming appt that I have with a dedicated therapist. I am going to take this energy into it, and really go in with the aim of self discovery and self growth. I think of it as an investment that could be really interesting and informative.
After reading, talking, and digesting this great advice I feel almost back at a baseline to where I was before. Moving along in a good way through sobriety. Almost. Still work to do, but I really thank you for sharing your thoughts. Your advice is valuable beyond measure, really. I will be the first to by your book when it comes out
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Join Date: Jul 2010
Posts: 10,912
Let us know how everything goes in therapy and otherwise, Justin
Other powerful areas that truly work for me to help maintain my sobriety (and my inspirations about life in general) are engaging in physical reality. That was something I detached from and disliked for a good reason in my early childhood... but re-connecting with my physicality, and the physicality of others have always helped me tremendously in my good phases.
So, yeah, I just had my hair done (again) today. It's a really silly thing, but the origin is that I have nice hair that stylists have fancied even when I was a child, and it still grows like weed (good "weed" ). Something I like about myself at least, but I only do when I take care of it these days.
Also, I re-started dancing a couple months ago and I'm really enjoying it. And now it's spring on our hemisphere, so I can get into long distance running again.
The thing I'm trying to convey, Justin, is that we may have gifts, including parts of physical health -- but these won't last forever. The whole idea of enjoying the moment is built on this, I think
Other powerful areas that truly work for me to help maintain my sobriety (and my inspirations about life in general) are engaging in physical reality. That was something I detached from and disliked for a good reason in my early childhood... but re-connecting with my physicality, and the physicality of others have always helped me tremendously in my good phases.
So, yeah, I just had my hair done (again) today. It's a really silly thing, but the origin is that I have nice hair that stylists have fancied even when I was a child, and it still grows like weed (good "weed"
). Something I like about myself at least, but I only do when I take care of it these days.Also, I re-started dancing a couple months ago and I'm really enjoying it. And now it's spring on our hemisphere, so I can get into long distance running again.
The thing I'm trying to convey, Justin, is that we may have gifts, including parts of physical health -- but these won't last forever. The whole idea of enjoying the moment is built on this, I think
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Join Date: Oct 2013
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Originally Posted by haennie 
Let us know how everything goes in therapy and otherwise, Justin
Other powerful areas that truly work for me to help maintain my sobriety (and my inspirations about life in general) are engaging in physical reality. That was something I detached from and disliked for a good reason in my early childhood... but re-connecting with my physicality, and the physicality of others have always helped me tremendously in my good phases.
So, yeah, I just had my hair done (again) today. It's a really silly thing, but the origin is that I have nice hair that stylists have fancied even when I was a child, and it still grows like weed (good "weed" ). Something I like about myself at least, but I only do when I take care of it these days.
Also, I re-started dancing a couple months ago and I'm really enjoying it. And now it's spring on our hemisphere, so I can get into long distance running again.
The thing I'm trying to convey, Justin, is that we may have gifts, including parts of physical health -- but these won't last forever. The whole idea of enjoying the moment is built on this, I think
Other powerful areas that truly work for me to help maintain my sobriety (and my inspirations about life in general) are engaging in physical reality. That was something I detached from and disliked for a good reason in my early childhood... but re-connecting with my physicality, and the physicality of others have always helped me tremendously in my good phases.
So, yeah, I just had my hair done (again) today. It's a really silly thing, but the origin is that I have nice hair that stylists have fancied even when I was a child, and it still grows like weed (good "weed"
). Something I like about myself at least, but I only do when I take care of it these days.Also, I re-started dancing a couple months ago and I'm really enjoying it. And now it's spring on our hemisphere, so I can get into long distance running again.
The thing I'm trying to convey, Justin, is that we may have gifts, including parts of physical health -- but these won't last forever. The whole idea of enjoying the moment is built on this, I think
I had to fast last night because I went for a physical and requested bloodwork for vitamin deficiency among a host of other tests, to make sure I am in good health as well as supplementing what I need to. The most challenging part was this mornings coffee. Well to make a long story shorter, I ran into my ex at Starbucks right after my lab work. We had coffee, then went to her place to get our marriage certificate and some other paperwork needed to make some headway on finalizing our divorce. It ended in a slew of insults spilling out onto the street as I left, her yelling at me to go get drunk(this insult stands out amongst the lot of them), and me yelling other choice words back at her. I am usually pretty composed, and laid back but I completely told her how I felt, and the exchange escalated to a yelling match. The children were at school so they didn't have to witness this, but it really makes me think I need to limit contact with my ex. I do not want this type of situation happening around them.
I had to dispatch of a few VERY strong cravings on my way home but I made it! These are the strongest they have been thus far. I'm glad I have this place to come to. I have to go and exercise, I am still steaming!
Sorry if this doesn't make sense, but I had to post.
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Join Date: Dec 2014
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I'm really sorry things escalated like they did today, justin, but you're dealing with it in a healthy way! You're sticking to your sober plan! Well done!
I'm pretty sure we share the same sobriety date....I was just thinking of what I (we) would've done in this same scenario four months ago?!?!....pretty sure it wouldn't have been come to SR and post and then go workout!!
Hope you're able to calm down and get re-centered and re-focused and keep moving forward!
I'm pretty sure we share the same sobriety date....I was just thinking of what I (we) would've done in this same scenario four months ago?!?!....pretty sure it wouldn't have been come to SR and post and then go workout!!
Hope you're able to calm down and get re-centered and re-focused and keep moving forward!
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Originally Posted by brynn
I'm really sorry things escalated like they did today, justin, but you're dealing with it in a healthy way! You're sticking to your sober plan! Well done!
I'm pretty sure we share the same sobriety date....I was just thinking of what I (we) would've done in this same scenario four months ago?!?!....pretty sure it wouldn't have been come to SR and post and then go workout!!
Hope you're able to calm down and get re-centered and re-focused and keep moving forward!
I'm pretty sure we share the same sobriety date....I was just thinking of what I (we) would've done in this same scenario four months ago?!?!....pretty sure it wouldn't have been come to SR and post and then go workout!!
Hope you're able to calm down and get re-centered and re-focused and keep moving forward!
I was just wondering the same thing, pretty sure we do share the same sobriety date.
Thanks and congrats to you too for 4+ months.
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She phoned me this morning and I apologized to her for my side of the immature argument. Then she proceeds to tell me I need "this and that" for our meeting with the lawyer tomorrow. I ask her if she has a document of mine at her place and she says I think so, so I ask her to check and she gets angry for me telling her what to do and hangs up on me. Ugh. I should not have answered.
Trying to deal with this soberly and maturely, but it is tough. My OP is really proving to be true. Life does continue, both the good and the bad and it is ultra clear and intense at times. Nothing to chemically cushion the blow of the negative stuff.
I will just ride it out. Month 4 is the toughest yet. In retrospect the physical symptoms were challenging but this is equally as challenging.
Trying to deal with this soberly and maturely, but it is tough. My OP is really proving to be true. Life does continue, both the good and the bad and it is ultra clear and intense at times. Nothing to chemically cushion the blow of the negative stuff.
I will just ride it out. Month 4 is the toughest yet. In retrospect the physical symptoms were challenging but this is equally as challenging.
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Went to group therapy this morning and it was great. Doing much better today. Met another person in recovery who is going through a similar situation as me. I think one of the keys for me is sharing openly and honestly about what I am going through. This place is awesome for that, I actually recommended this website when asked how I was managing my recovery.
In regards to meeting one on one, I have finally been assigned a therapist, or psychiatrist. I am a little unsure if a psychiatrist is the right person to see. I will keep my appointment, but am still going to see a dedicated psychologist to see if that is a better fit. I will just keep trying and find what fits for me.
I went out shopping for myself bought some new clothing, fixed my hair. Something I haven't done in awhile, and it felt good! I have to regain the identity that I feel I relinquished, and focus on self care and becoming my own man. What a journey, a rollercoaster indeed.
In regards to meeting one on one, I have finally been assigned a therapist, or psychiatrist. I am a little unsure if a psychiatrist is the right person to see. I will keep my appointment, but am still going to see a dedicated psychologist to see if that is a better fit. I will just keep trying and find what fits for me.
I went out shopping for myself bought some new clothing, fixed my hair. Something I haven't done in awhile, and it felt good! I have to regain the identity that I feel I relinquished, and focus on self care and becoming my own man. What a journey, a rollercoaster indeed.
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