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Old 04-21-2015, 05:35 PM
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Opinions, Thoughts & Ideas

The situation is as follows:
My son has been in AA for 6 months now.
At the 4 wk mark he met an older woman and they are now madly in love
Since they have been together I hear from my son less and less, which is fine as he is an adult male and free to make his own choices

This is my fear... Yup I'm a codependent and an acoa.

Since they have been together he has been taking her sons ADHD medication. He's said he has only taken it twice??
They drink energy drinks like they crazy
He smokes pot daily
He's stopped calling / texting giving me updates on his AA progress.

When I've queried him on the pot smoking he says his AA group says it's fine. He says his groups supports the new relationship. He was just out of his last abusive relationship 5 weeks, before beginning this one.

Do you think he is actively working the AA program? My fear is he is heading on a downward spiral.
I realize that there is nothing I can do except detach with love..
Do you think I am over reacting. He is actively distancing himself . My gut tells me he's doing more than he's says.

How do I respond the next time I hear from him? I'm trying really hard to work the Alanon program and have a meeting with an addiction therapist.

Thanks everyone...I'm just so confused...
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Old 04-21-2015, 05:40 PM
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I share you fear. I'm in AA, over 2 years sober and I don't know anyone who thinks pot is ok. Or taking meds against the intended use. Mainly because AA is about feeling your emotions and feelings, pot would cloud that up.

Set your boundaries. Good luck to him
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Old 04-21-2015, 05:46 PM
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First of all, there's a fantastic "Friends and Family" forum here that's a great resource. You might start by posting there, they are super supportive and are going through lots of the same things you are.

Speaking from an alcoholic's point of view: I got sober at 36, and immediately started smoking pot. And cigarettes, and drinking a pot of coffee every morning. I knew the marijuana was not considered "OK" by most recovery groups, and I also found myself smoking daily. This set off alarm bells.

With marijuana, I was trying desperately to hold on to that feeling of escape. Little did I realize, that by smoking weed every day I had still never let go of my addiction problems that landed me in rehab in the first place. I certainly understand your worry.

As for "what you should do the next time he calls", I have no experience there. The F&F folks do, though. Good luck and take care of yourself!
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Old 04-21-2015, 05:51 PM
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Thank you Tamerua...I appreciate it. He has also said he's worked all his steps and yet he has failed to make amends to my husband or myself.

BOUNDARIES...awh yes my greatest weakness...just say NO...NO....NO��
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Old 04-21-2015, 05:54 PM
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Thanks bigsombero...I have read the family and friends site..and yes they are good..and you are correct many are going through what I am. I guess my intent was to get a RA point of view .
Thank you for your input...I appreciate it.

Your reason for smoking pot is the same that my son gave me..but he has it under control.
Thanks again.
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Old 04-21-2015, 06:00 PM
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Old 04-21-2015, 06:04 PM
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I listened to an AA speaker once tell a story about spending time answering the central office AA hotline. A woman called and asked how far down the waiting list her husband was as he'd called over three weeks ago?!

Ummmm, waiting list? Yes - my husband said there was a waiting list for meetings.



There's is a tendency for alcoholics to be highly manipulative and not always forthcoming with the truth.

Take care of yourself, please. Therapy and Alanon are good ideas !

Glad you're here and posting.
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Old 04-21-2015, 06:24 PM
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Originally Posted by Kallioya View Post
Do you think he is actively working the AA program? My fear is he is heading on a downward spiral.
I realize that there is nothing I can do except detach with love..
Do you think I am over reacting. He is actively distancing himself . My gut tells me he's doing more than he's says.

How do I respond the next time I hear from him? I'm trying really hard to work the Alanon program and have a meeting with an addiction therapist.
...
It's understandable that you are concerned about your son, but there really is nothing you can do. My advice is to allow your son to work on his recovery and for you to seek support for yourself. The Friends & Families forum will offer lots of support for you. I'm glad you have found AlAnon which hopefully will help you.
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Old 04-21-2015, 06:29 PM
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Hi Kallioya, so sorry you have to be here. I have an adult son too and the detachment is the HARDEST thing to do. I am anxious 24/7 thinking about his past and his future. I don't have any better advice for you that the very smart people on SR. haven't told you already. Stay in touch...it's truly a lifesaver!
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Old 04-21-2015, 06:30 PM
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THANK YOU...THANK YOU...THANK YOU. I appreciate your words of comfort and confirmation. It's very much appreciated
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Old 04-21-2015, 06:33 PM
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I know smoking pot is another crutch but from a health perspective, especially if its ingensted instead of smoking, alcohol is way way worse for you. Not that I'm condoning it, only pointing it out.
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Old 04-21-2015, 06:52 PM
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I'm sorry for you situation but I would say things look grim. I go to multiple different groups and know around 100 people in recovery and not one of them condones the use of any mind altering substance unless it is prescribed and taken as directed.

Relationships are discouraged in the first year for a million reasons but many do not heed the advice and often end with bad outcomes.

I agree he has likely not worked the steps. Does he have a sponsor?

There is a term I learned here and it is called Quacking. Quacking is all of the BS that alcoholics tell others and themselves so the can continue to use. To me it sounds like a lot of quacking and I have quacked enough to recognize a fellow quacker
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Old 04-21-2015, 08:51 PM
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Originally Posted by Kallioya View Post
The situation is as follows:
My son has been in AA for 6 months now.
At the 4 wk mark he met an older woman and they are now madly in love
Since they have been together I hear from my son less and less, which is fine as he is an adult male and free to make his own choices

This is my fear... Yup I'm a codependent and an acoa.

Since they have been together he has been taking her sons ADHD medication. He's said he has only taken it twice??
They drink energy drinks like they crazy
He smokes pot daily
He's stopped calling / texting giving me updates on his AA progress.

When I've queried him on the pot smoking he says his AA group says it's fine. He says his groups supports the new relationship. He was just out of his last abusive relationship 5 weeks, before beginning this one.

Do you think he is actively working the AA program? My fear is he is heading on a downward spiral.
I realize that there is nothing I can do except detach with love..
Do you think I am over reacting. He is actively distancing himself . My gut tells me he's doing more than he's says.

How do I respond the next time I hear from him? I'm trying really hard to work the Alanon program and have a meeting with an addiction therapist.

Thanks everyone...I'm just so confused...
I’m Al-Anon and ACoA. I have adult family members that are in a similar situation to what you’ve shared. It was difficult to let go of my enabling control issues. What I leaned to do is let them experience their own life, until hopefully they’ll reach their bottom and surrender as I had.

BTW, the AA fellowship and AA text has no dogma, there's no hierarchy with either, so no one in AA has the prerogative to say what's OK and what isn't, everyone is equal in the AA fellowship. The only requirement for AA membership is a desire to stop drinking, and no one has to prove their desire. Anyone is a member when they say so. Anything else is ignorance and bully tactics, suble and / or overt.

Some of the same AA party liners that bully newcomers are addicted to nicotine which is the #1 killer. Or, they’ve transferred addictions to gambling or food and eat themselves into obesity. Yet, they give abstinent advice to those that take psychotropic drugs for depression or those that smoke pot.
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Old 04-21-2015, 09:55 PM
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Originally Posted by Madmartigan View Post
I know smoking pot is another crutch but from a health perspective, especially if its ingensted instead of smoking, alcohol is way way worse for you. Not that I'm condoning it, only pointing it out.
Well.... yes and no. While pot smokers don't typically become violent like drinkers do while high, that stuff can still really mess you up. It can rob you of all your energy and cause depression and mental health issues and be fiendishly hard to quit.
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Old 04-21-2015, 09:58 PM
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Originally Posted by Madmartigan View Post
I know smoking pot is another crutch but from a health perspective, especially if its ingensted instead of smoking, alcohol is way way worse for you. Not that I'm condoning it, only pointing it out.
I smoked it daily for 30 years. There's nothing benign about it from my experience.

Comparing it to other things is kinda like arguing which is worse: a gunshot or a knife wound, IMO

In terms of this thread I think we need to accept it's a problem for the OP in regards to her concerns for her son.

D
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Old 04-22-2015, 06:24 AM
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Trust your gut, mom. I don't see anything okay about the situation.
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Old 04-22-2015, 07:31 AM
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Good morning everyone. Thank you so much for your patience and understanding. As a mom I get caught up in emotions and out the window goes the reality of the situation.
Yes I shall trust my gut, detach with love and set boundaries.

To all who are recovering...stay the course...you are worth it...and so is life. Thanks again
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