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-   -   maybe I'm not ready for recovery (https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/newcomers-recovery/365190-maybe-im-not-ready-recovery.html)

drinkingdinos 04-20-2015 09:09 AM

maybe I'm not ready for recovery
 
Soooo, I started drinking again on Thursday. Curiosity kills the cat I guess. I've drank everyday since then too even though i intended to take a break on sunday. I thought I wanted recovery. I was so sure of it, but I guess maybe not. I think I just want to be able to drink without the negative consequences. And even though some small part of me is aware that my drinking wouldn't be considered normal, I still can't believe I'm an alcoholic. I tell myself everyone else is over reacting. That I'm not that bad...I mean I don't drink thaat much, right? I'm not a sloppy drunk, etc etc. My head is playing tricks on me & I don't know which way is up or which is down. All i know is i finally feel okay now that im drinking again. As long as i have a few drinks my anxiety disappears, not a care in the world. I can sleep again too. I don't know how to describe it except I finally feel normal again and man have I missed it. Not sure why I'm posting here, prolly regret it after sobering up in a few hours.

doggonecarl 04-20-2015 09:24 AM


Originally Posted by drinkingdinos (Post 5327981)
All i know is i finally feel okay now that im drinking again. As long as i have a few drinks my anxiety disappears, not a care in the world. I can sleep again too. I don't know how to describe it except I finally feel normal again and man have I missed it.

I'm not sure what to tell you other than ambivalence has kept many a drinker drinking. You are young. Probably think you have your whole life to address your drinking problem. Maybe even fix it so you can drink normally.

Don't be so sure.

ScottFromWI 04-20-2015 09:27 AM


Originally Posted by drinkingdinos (Post 5327981)
I think I just want to be able to drink without the negative consequences.

Unfortunately that is not possible. Acceptance of that fact was the key to moving forward for me.

I would agree that if you are drunk now a lot of this wont' make much sense anyway - maybe you can find the strength to put the bottle down today and take stock of your situation. Make a list ( write it down ) of all the good things alcohol provides for you, and then all of the bad things. Read through your old posts if you need a reminder.

Also remember that comparing your drinking to others is kind of irrelevant. It doesn't really matter how much you drink or how often you do it, you need to decide if it's a problem for you. We cannot tell you if you are an alcoholic. But I can tell you that being on a 5 day binge is NOT normal drinking behavior by anyone's standards.

SereneEdition 04-20-2015 09:48 AM

Hi drinkingdinos -

DC & SFW raise the key points.

Don't be fooled that alcohol makes you feel normal. Your body is simply overcompensating, having been accustomed to a regular dose of depressants. Remove the depressant and temporarily you experience lack of sleep, more anxiety, etc.

Give your body sometime to adjust to not having alcohol. It gets better.

Hope that helps.

Soberwolf 04-20-2015 09:53 AM

Have you got a plan

fini 04-20-2015 09:57 AM

makes total sense to me that drinking makes you feel normal.
did me, too.
since i'm an alcoholic.
a "normal" drinker feels "abnormal" from drinking; which is, far as i can tell, why they drink and then stop.

Recovery999 04-20-2015 09:59 AM

We all wanted to be able to drink without the negative consequences!

But we can't. There was a reason you decided to stop in the first place. What was that reason?

Incontrol15 04-20-2015 10:18 AM

I see myself in this post.

No booze:
- discomfort
- anxiety
- depression

The truth is though, that booze has created, or at least, amplified those feelings. That's its way of keeping its grip on us.

The more I drink, the tighter the grip becomes.
I am a pretty smart guy. I know what's happening. I know that in all my attempts to be "happy" through self medication, it's putting me in worse situations like Divorce, unemployment, and bankruptcy.

As times got tougher, my dependency to level out my feelings through alcohol intensified. I'm smart enough to know I'm on a path, and not a very good one.

Yeah...having a drink feels good. As long as I'm drinking. Then what? Do my problems resolve themselves? No. They get worse. It's a monster. An evil one at that, and it's cunning with a specific strategy to keep me coming back.

Kevin78 04-20-2015 10:23 AM


Originally Posted by drinkingdinos (Post 5327981)
prolly regret it after sobering up in a few hours.

I hope it's a few hours and not a few years.

Take care, It's a progressive illness.

Nonsensical 04-20-2015 10:41 AM


Originally Posted by drinkingdinos (Post 5327981)
I just want to be able to drink without the negative consequences.

I want to throw a football like Peyton Manning, wake up next to a different Sports Illustrated bikini model every morning, and outbid Warren Buffet at his next corporate takeover.

In the world I woke up in this morning none of that is going to happen. I just have to be me again today. And that's okay.

It's OK for you to just be you, too. :ring

JaneLane 04-20-2015 11:42 AM

Alcohol has taken the edge of my anxiety for years. It really has. It also took away every other feeling and the majority of my sober, normal personality.

I have a diagnosed anxiety disorder and I take medication. It may be that you need to see a doctor and get some therapy - medication isn't always necessary and therapy can be an amazing tool.

Despite taking meds, the alcohol still made me feel normal. The problem is, it wears off and I frequently woke up in the middle of the night sweating and ridden with anxiety. Then you drink again, to deal with the anxiety...and the cycle continues.

The first few days can suck. Anxiety can increase, sometimes it takes longer to sort out. But it's totally worth it to know that you're no longer self medicating which to be honest, rarely works!

I really recommend having a look round this site and maybe making a list of the disadvantages about drinking. I keep mine in my bag and it helps remind me :-)

MIRecovery 04-20-2015 12:35 PM

If I could have figured out how to be an alcoholic with out the consequences I likely would still be drinking. I tried very very hard to figure out how I could drink like I did and have nothing negative happen. I worked for 20 years to find the solution.

Guess what? I never found it and things just kept getting worse and worse. One day things got really bad and I admitted defeat. I looked back on my drinking career and every time I got in the ring with King Alcohol I got the snot beat out of me.

Today I chose not get beat up anymore.

FreeOwl 04-20-2015 12:41 PM

I wrestled with this same 'logic' for many years.... Threw away a lot of wonderful potential on booze and drugs. I wish I could get back all the time, money, hurt, memories, lost blessings and moments.

I can't, and I accept that.... But man, am I glad to be sober now. Finally.

Dee74 04-20-2015 04:10 PM

The greatest 'recovery secret' is that we can decide to quit anytime we like.

That voice telling you you're into ready is juts your addiction wanting more drink, and your fear, not wanting change.


If you weren't ready you would have never sought out SR and signed up here :)

I had to wait until I was 40 to realise that I could not drink and be the person I wanted to be.

I hope it doesn't take you that long to make a decision dinos.

take care
D

MIRecovery 04-20-2015 07:04 PM


Originally Posted by Dee74 (Post 5328506)
The greatest 'recovery secret' is that we can decide to quit anytime we like.
D


There is a great old guy who is 93 and he always says, "You don't have to drink if you don't want to. Hell you don't have to drink even if you do. I never understood this before"

drinkingdinos 04-27-2015 01:19 PM

Whelp its another day one for me. Less talk more action this time. My current plan is to do whatever it takes to get through these next few days as I suspect they'll be the hardest. I dumped my remaining stash last night & told my suppliers and friends to keep alcohol away from me or I'd be avoiding them. Its embarrassing to admit, but I have a problem and I need help. I think I'm finally willing to admit I can't make it on my own.

ArtFriend 04-27-2015 01:28 PM


Anna 04-27-2015 01:36 PM

That's a good decision to have made and I know you can get through this. Yes, the first days will be tough, but we're here for you.

ScottFromWI 04-27-2015 01:38 PM

Welcome back DD - we're here if you need us. Admitting the issue exists is a big step..be safe through your withdrawals.

bookmaven 04-27-2015 01:46 PM

One thing I love about this site is how it's open 24/7. It doesn't matter what time of day, there is always someone here.

MJane91 04-27-2015 01:56 PM

The longer you stay sober and in recovery things will get easier, you have been drinking for so long it feels normal to you to be like that when actually being sober should be normal to you :)

Just think the real you probably does want to stop otherwise you wouldn't be posting on SR its just the addiction taking control of you, when your ready you will be stronger and take the control back :) x

drinkingdinos 04-30-2015 10:51 AM

Why can't I just stop already? Wrecked it on day 4.

Nonsensical 04-30-2015 11:55 AM

You CAN.

You just haven't , yet.

I honestly thought (for decades) that when I was ready to quit drinking the desire to drink would just go away. Unfortunately, it doesn't work that way. You have to be prepared to not drink even when you feel like drinking. Simple, not easy.

Get back after it. You can do this! :ring

Dee74 04-30-2015 05:12 PM

Make a plan DD :)

http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...at-we-did.html

D

midgetcop 05-01-2015 03:38 AM

If there's anything I've learned from years of trying to STAY stopped, it's that simply stopping on your own and doing nothing else doesn't work.

I needed to go to treatment and now I'm in AA (and of course, SR). Other people have followed other paths to sobriety.

You'll get there, my friend.

Eddiebuckle 05-01-2015 03:46 AM

I second Midgetcops statement. I was unable to stick with sobriety on my own, and had to go a long way down before I simply gave up thinking I could do it solo. Once I was willing to do whatever it took every day my life began to change. The funny thing is that had I gotten everything I wanted when I first quit, my life would be half what it is today. Addiction takes more of us than we realize, and sobriety is so much more than managing to not drink.

AA calls it the gift of desperation. It's a terrible place to be, but a necessary foundation for sobriety for many of us. Don't give up before the miracle happens.

SoberCAH 05-01-2015 10:13 AM

I m so grateful I got sober at a reasonably young age (31).

I hope that you seize this opportunity to change your life.

If you are on this board, the chances of your not being an alcoholic are pretty modest, I suspect.

I don't miss the mental gymnastics that it sounds like you are going through.

Take care and give sobriety a try, amigo.

JT0626 05-01-2015 10:29 AM


And even though some small part of me is aware that my drinking wouldn't be considered normal, I still can't believe I'm an alcoholic. I tell myself everyone else is over reacting. That I'm not that bad...I mean I don't drink thaat much, right? I'm not a sloppy drunk, etc etc.
What I'm hearing from your post is your AV talking. The above is your AV messing with you.

Listen, life is about choices. You can choose to drink or not. But you already know that drinking brings on consequences.

I wanted to be sober really bad. I was in a such a dark depression when I was drinking that I knew it couldn't get worse than this. I knew the alcohol was also playing a part in this depression that I couldn't shake. I came on this site & accepted that I was an alcoholic.....that was my game changer.

You have to want it, you have to want it bad enough to accept you're an alcoholic.

zerothehero 05-01-2015 11:00 AM

Are we ever ready for recovery? I sure wasn't, but I made a choice not to hit bottom, and I learned to surf the anxiety waves rather than drown... Not saying it's easy but if I can do it...


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