Kallioya

My son is 34yrs old son has been an alcoholic since he was 16. He's also a recovering cocaine addict.
He's been in AA for five months now. He's met a woman there and they are basically living together now. I like her they get along really well.
The issues I am having is that they make commitments such as joining us to go the movies or coming for a visit and never show up.
How do I set boundaries without alienating them. How do I teach them to treat me with respect, courtesy and consideration.

Anna

Hi and Welcome,

I'm not sure you will be able to teach them to treat you the way you want to be treated. However, you could learn to not expect commitments from them. Are the movies and visits things they are suggesting? If so, maybe you could step back for awhile and say you're busy, rather than getting caught up in waiting for them. If the movies and visits are your idea, maybe not asking them to make commitments for awhile would be better for you.

ArtFriend

Do you invite them or do they invite themselves? I would make it clear that your time is valuable and the next time they don't show up will be the last time. That is simply rude to do that to you. At 34 it is time to grow up

Kallioya

Thank you so much for prompt replies . They initiate the invites. i will tell them as suggested....
That my time is valuable etc..but ya know what... I'm afraid he's going to pull the "you're never there for me. Somehow everything gets blamed on me. And I mean EVERYTHING.
So the next question is how do I step out of the scapegoat role?
(My family of origin is multi generational alcoholics) I am the only one who doesn't drink.

PurpleKnight

Welcome to the Forum Kallioya!!

Soberwolf

Hello & Welcome Kallioa

Dee74

They might pull that card.
How do you step out of the scapegoat role? you step out

I did it with my family. I went minimal essential contact for a while - phone only.

when we did connect, I didn't argue with them I didn't try and make them see my way, I didn't - I simply didn't engage them in anything like that.

I can't change others but I can change myself.

You're not to blame for them not turning up. There's no reason why you should accept the role of scapegoat.

Have strong healthy boundaries for yourself and apply them - use them.

My relationship is still not perfect but it's a lot better.

We've never discussed the changing boundaries (my family is not like that) but they really have worked

If you've never read Melody Beattie's Co-dependent No More it's a good enlightening read

D

Kallioya

Thank you very kindly for the advise. I will read Codependent no more.

Anna

Codependent No More is a great book. We have a list of helpful books:

http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...rituality.html

thomas11

Hi Kallioya, when I first started dating my wife, I had just gotten out of a lifestyle that was insane to say the least. Alcohol wasn't the issue, it was a lifestyle and crowd that I was in that was the insanity. Anyway, I cut all those ties got my head straight and at the time there was a show on TV and radio with Dr. Drew Pinsky and they talked extensively about how important establishing boundaries were not only in recovery but in life in general. I took their advice and established clear cut boundaries with myself, my good friends, my bad friends and my family. And I did not BUDGE on those boundaries at all. I was militant about keeping them. The result of such boundaries was all positive results.

At first people might have some resentment towards you, but in the end they will hopefully respect you for it. Good luck. Hope all goes well.