Ugh relapse

Old 04-17-2015, 10:51 PM
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Ugh relapse


Haven't been on the forum for a while. I had over 3 years sobriety and then got drunk when catching up with a friend overseas last July. Nothing really bad happened so I think I thought I had improved. Since then I have drank wine around half a dozen to a dozen times. At the most a bottle I think. Secretly Then last night I got absolutely wrecked. I ended up somewhere in the city, don't know where. I have blackouts and can't remember if I did anything terrible and keep panicking about it. I feel awful today. I feel on the verge of a panic attack and everything is so black. I never want to feel this way again. I can't believe I got so complacent and let this happen.

I don't think I should drive yet so I have booked taxis to take me to an AA meeting tonight. AA was not part of my program but meetings do help me sometimes. CBT and meditation were a large part of my recovery so need to get back into it. I have sent some enquiries about evening programs at some addiction centres. I have also made a doctor appointment to get a psychiatrist appointment. I think I have been abusing Ativan. I have a tablet everyday and weaning off is hard. I would have more if going to a social event because I find socializing very hard. And I keep changing my Aropax dose, for OCD, because I don't like the side effects. So I have a bit to sort out :/

I have realised today one of my problems is that i'm up myself. Do you use that term in the U.S? It means conceited. I don't like to admit I have failed or show weakenss. I sucked at group therapy after rehab four years ago because I would always say I was fine. I guess one thing at a time.

My poor beautiful husband. He is away from home, working in another state. I told him everything which wouldn't have been easy for him to hear. But he is so amazingly supportive. He can see how much I grew during those sober years and that I am not me when I am drunk, I am poisoned.

Anyway thanks for reading. By the way how do you change your name on here? Ozgirl is a bit blah.
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Old 04-17-2015, 10:57 PM
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Hi Ozgirl - I'm sorry for what brings you back, but it's good to see you.

PM Anna with your preferred new name and she'll sort it

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Old 04-18-2015, 12:47 AM
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Welcome bk
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Old 04-18-2015, 12:53 AM
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You're here, you're being honest and you're doing a great job at organising and making a plan for today.

You've got a lot of support here :-)
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Old 04-18-2015, 02:08 AM
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Join Date: Feb 2015
Location: Gloucester, UK
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Your head is so in the right place. And you've been totally honest. I think you need a pat on the back for this.
Good luck with tomorrow. Just think about how you feel today if you start itching for a drink.
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Old 04-18-2015, 03:55 AM
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Welcome back, Ozgirl! It sounds to me like you are well on your way to sorting things out.

I too have a very supportive husband, which helps a lot.

Thanks for explaining "up" since I had forgotten that term.
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Old 04-18-2015, 03:55 AM
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Join Date: Aug 2013
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"I don't like to admit I have failed or show weakenss. I sucked at group therapy after rehab four years ago because I would always say I was fine. I guess one thing at a time."

Hi and it’s good your making it back.

It’s said in general that alcoholics are ego maniacs with low self esteem. I don’t think that’s far from the truth.

For myself I had to get honest with myself about MY drinking and accept that I could no longer drink in safety forgetting the ifs, ands and buts.

Fortunately I quickly found out that I needed to work and change my way of thinking and reacting and though not liking to, follow directions as I didn’t know what I didn’t know. That’s where a sponsor helps so much.

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Old 04-18-2015, 06:32 AM
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Welcome back Ozgirl!!
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