Michelle's accountability thread
Guest
Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2015
Posts: 390
I drank last night.
This has been the most intense week I have had in a long time. And last night, I left myself unguarded and drank.
I got a call yesterday from the Meredith Viera show. They are flying my daughters and I to New York on Tuesday to be featured on their segment about deserving single moms.
I got the call yesterday morning. That started a day of phone calls back and forth, emails, paperwork, and then finally "Well, we will be at your house on Sunday to do pre-filming and then we are flying you and your daughters to New York on Tuesday for the show"
Drinking started entering my mind in the afternoon. I did not work my plan, I didn't work through the thoughts, I didn't post to be accountable.
This is all on me. The news didn't make me drink. Counseling didn't make me drink. I chose to drink.
That scares me. I had two weeks yesterday. Two weeks of realizing I can wake up each day and do what is needed and not drink. Two weeks of feeling stronger each day.
And this morning, I'm overwhelmed, I'm tense, I want to cry.
I know what I need to do. I know when I began going in the wrong direction: the moment the thought entered my head and I didn't actively work on it. Instead, I entertained it, I let it grow.
The producer told me "Many people would quit school when their car broke down. You kept going. Many people would have quit school when they had a sick kid, you kept going. Many would quit when another kid got sick. You kept going. All of those things happened to you and you kept going. You are inspiring and we want to do something for you"
My thoughts during the whole thing: "I'm not inspiring. I mess up. I don't deserve this"
My girls knew about it before I did. They called Brianna first. They believe I deserve this and somewhere in the back of my head, I do, too. But I'm overwhelmed right now.
I started counseling, I'm not sleeping well, then this.
I have been hit with many things this week and I know better than to have left myself vulnerable.
I have got to figure out a way to realize it's okay to have great things happen in my life: sobriety, this show, moving forward.
So, I don't know what else to say.
This has been the most intense week I have had in a long time. And last night, I left myself unguarded and drank.
I got a call yesterday from the Meredith Viera show. They are flying my daughters and I to New York on Tuesday to be featured on their segment about deserving single moms.
I got the call yesterday morning. That started a day of phone calls back and forth, emails, paperwork, and then finally "Well, we will be at your house on Sunday to do pre-filming and then we are flying you and your daughters to New York on Tuesday for the show"
Drinking started entering my mind in the afternoon. I did not work my plan, I didn't work through the thoughts, I didn't post to be accountable.
This is all on me. The news didn't make me drink. Counseling didn't make me drink. I chose to drink.
That scares me. I had two weeks yesterday. Two weeks of realizing I can wake up each day and do what is needed and not drink. Two weeks of feeling stronger each day.
And this morning, I'm overwhelmed, I'm tense, I want to cry.
I know what I need to do. I know when I began going in the wrong direction: the moment the thought entered my head and I didn't actively work on it. Instead, I entertained it, I let it grow.
The producer told me "Many people would quit school when their car broke down. You kept going. Many people would have quit school when they had a sick kid, you kept going. Many would quit when another kid got sick. You kept going. All of those things happened to you and you kept going. You are inspiring and we want to do something for you"
My thoughts during the whole thing: "I'm not inspiring. I mess up. I don't deserve this"
My girls knew about it before I did. They called Brianna first. They believe I deserve this and somewhere in the back of my head, I do, too. But I'm overwhelmed right now.
I started counseling, I'm not sleeping well, then this.
I have been hit with many things this week and I know better than to have left myself vulnerable.
I have got to figure out a way to realize it's okay to have great things happen in my life: sobriety, this show, moving forward.
So, I don't know what else to say.
Forum Leader
Join Date: May 2012
Location: Wisconsin, USA
Posts: 16,945
Congrats on the nomination and the upcoming trip, sounds like a fabulous time.
Regarding the drinking, you say that you know what you need to do....what are your thoughts there? Do you think you need to do something differently than before?
Regarding the drinking, you say that you know what you need to do....what are your thoughts there? Do you think you need to do something differently than before?
Guest
Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2015
Posts: 390
What I realized is that I am still allowing myself to excuse certain times where drinking is okay. I leave little openings. And that has to stop. That is where I get caught.
As I read in AVRT, it has to be a 100% committed decision and I have to commit to that.
From the way the show talked, I do believe I will be getting a car. I decided if I do, I am going to start attending the weekly women's meeting in town. I've been a few times way in the past and there were some great women there.
I'm also going to be honest with my counselor about it as well. I was very frank with her about my drinking pattern. So, it's on the table and part of our plan.
As biminblue has mentioned a few times: I need to slow down. I cannot control everything that happened this week. I had no clue I'd wake up yesterday and end up making plans to fly to New York as a guest on a national talk show. But I can stop putting so much on my plate.
I tell myself:
I must lose weight
I must be the perfect mother
I must do this and this and this and this and this
I've left no time this week to truly work on my sobriety. I fell right back into "If I'm working on xyz goal, it'll just happen"
I was very wrong.
It HAS to be 1st priority. Nothing else will fall into place if it isn't.
As I read in AVRT, it has to be a 100% committed decision and I have to commit to that.
From the way the show talked, I do believe I will be getting a car. I decided if I do, I am going to start attending the weekly women's meeting in town. I've been a few times way in the past and there were some great women there.
I'm also going to be honest with my counselor about it as well. I was very frank with her about my drinking pattern. So, it's on the table and part of our plan.
As biminblue has mentioned a few times: I need to slow down. I cannot control everything that happened this week. I had no clue I'd wake up yesterday and end up making plans to fly to New York as a guest on a national talk show. But I can stop putting so much on my plate.
I tell myself:
I must lose weight
I must be the perfect mother
I must do this and this and this and this and this
I've left no time this week to truly work on my sobriety. I fell right back into "If I'm working on xyz goal, it'll just happen"
I was very wrong.
It HAS to be 1st priority. Nothing else will fall into place if it isn't.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2013
Location: Cincinnati Area
Posts: 24
Michelle,
Congrats on the show! Don't beat yourself up. I too fell down and drank last night. Something you said upthread really struck a chord with me. "Angry that I feel as if I cannot function like "normal" people around me." That is exactly how I feel a lot of the time but then I think that most of the "normal" people I look at probably feel that way inside too. Hang in there!
Congrats on the show! Don't beat yourself up. I too fell down and drank last night. Something you said upthread really struck a chord with me. "Angry that I feel as if I cannot function like "normal" people around me." That is exactly how I feel a lot of the time but then I think that most of the "normal" people I look at probably feel that way inside too. Hang in there!
Member
Join Date: Apr 2007
Posts: 39
TS, awesome opportunity. Our radars tend to be focused on our foreseeable foes and when something comes out of nowhere (good or bad) we are knocked over by the suddenness of it all. It simply throws us a curve ball that we may not be ready to hit. Your heart and intentions in starting this thread and your honest and candid confession are all signs of your commitment to life change. I will pray for you and the opportunity before you.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2014
Posts: 25,373
You have been given a huge gift from the Universe/God.
You deserve all the good things. You deserve help. Allow yourself to do this sober so you can absorb the blessings and pass them on.
First things first. Breathe.
When I let Fear drive, the wheels fall off.
You deserve all the good things. You deserve help. Allow yourself to do this sober so you can absorb the blessings and pass them on.
First things first. Breathe.
When I let Fear drive, the wheels fall off.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2015
Location: Canada
Posts: 691
Michelle, take a deep breath.
Now look at what you accomplished! And look at how you are being celebrating. People are proud of you and are celebrating you!
Meredith Viera is going to celebrate YOU! What an accomplishment!
You need to do the same!
A NEW CAR! A trip to NYC! Wow, amazing! You deserve it! You earned it!
Now look at what you accomplished! And look at how you are being celebrating. People are proud of you and are celebrating you!
Meredith Viera is going to celebrate YOU! What an accomplishment!
You need to do the same!
A NEW CAR! A trip to NYC! Wow, amazing! You deserve it! You earned it!
Do your best
Join Date: Aug 2014
Posts: 67,047
Learn from it Michelle sounds like your juggling a few things that could do with a lil reorganising in order of importance
Dont beat yourself up but recognise the need to sort things out so its where your staying sober & getting things sorted out lil by lil will eventually make a lot
Spk soon Michelle
Dont beat yourself up but recognise the need to sort things out so its where your staying sober & getting things sorted out lil by lil will eventually make a lot
Spk soon Michelle
Guest
Join Date: May 2014
Location: London, UK
Posts: 1,086
Don't freak yourself out. It sounds like you are processing a lot at once and that's not always a good thing!
Take time for yourself several times during the day, don't delay it to in the evening or the morning; it's important for your recovery :-)
Take time for yourself several times during the day, don't delay it to in the evening or the morning; it's important for your recovery :-)
saoutchik
Join Date: Jan 2015
Location: London
Posts: 16,202
Hi Michelle,
I've never heard of Meredith Vera because I'm from the UK but it sounds brilliant - you are being recognised as a great single mom, how many people have that happen to them?
It is probably a bit daunting too which might have triggered you. Once the show is over I expect you will feel more relaxed and settled again
I've never heard of Meredith Vera because I'm from the UK but it sounds brilliant - you are being recognised as a great single mom, how many people have that happen to them?
It is probably a bit daunting too which might have triggered you. Once the show is over I expect you will feel more relaxed and settled again
Guest
Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2015
Posts: 390
I slept really well last night. I seem to have found the perfect routine for myself: no caffeine, read, fan on, windows open, and off to dream land.
Today has been busy preparing for tomorrow. The landlord was awesome and had the lawn guy come over and really clean up the yard. I mow and such, but I do not have a weed eater. The guy that showed up did a wonderful job. The girls and I did some cleaning and such. Then we relaxed with a movie before they left to go to their dad's. I think we are all a bit excited but apprehensive about what to expect this week.
A crew will be here tomorrow to do some pre-filming and interviews. We then arrive at the airport at 5 am on Tuesday. We will arrive in New York at noon. We tape on Wednesday, fly out that evening and will be home by midnight. The girls have finals the next day, so theyll be tired.
I've done some more work towards my plan. It's a top focus, even amidst all of this. It has to be. So today, I've done some reading, taken time to relax, and tonight, I'm going to do a few minor finishing touches to the house and then have an early night. It'll feel good to wake up, again, tomorrow refreshed and not trying to hide a hangover.
I have no fear of drinking before the show. Because the one thing in my mind is that this experience is for my girls. Even through everything, I've managed to raise 4 amazing daughters. I'm not letting anything come in the way of them having this experience.
The one thing I always think lately is this: My goodness, I see what I have achieved when I was drinking. Imagine what I can do sober.
I'm excited for this next part of the ride. I'm grateful I've finally chosen to be sober for it.
Today has been busy preparing for tomorrow. The landlord was awesome and had the lawn guy come over and really clean up the yard. I mow and such, but I do not have a weed eater. The guy that showed up did a wonderful job. The girls and I did some cleaning and such. Then we relaxed with a movie before they left to go to their dad's. I think we are all a bit excited but apprehensive about what to expect this week.
A crew will be here tomorrow to do some pre-filming and interviews. We then arrive at the airport at 5 am on Tuesday. We will arrive in New York at noon. We tape on Wednesday, fly out that evening and will be home by midnight. The girls have finals the next day, so theyll be tired.
I've done some more work towards my plan. It's a top focus, even amidst all of this. It has to be. So today, I've done some reading, taken time to relax, and tonight, I'm going to do a few minor finishing touches to the house and then have an early night. It'll feel good to wake up, again, tomorrow refreshed and not trying to hide a hangover.
I have no fear of drinking before the show. Because the one thing in my mind is that this experience is for my girls. Even through everything, I've managed to raise 4 amazing daughters. I'm not letting anything come in the way of them having this experience.
The one thing I always think lately is this: My goodness, I see what I have achieved when I was drinking. Imagine what I can do sober.
I'm excited for this next part of the ride. I'm grateful I've finally chosen to be sober for it.
Member
Join Date: May 2014
Location: usa
Posts: 3,938
Wow ts....amazing news. What an honor. But I can relate to not being able to handle the wild excitement. It is something that I fear. But what's done is done, and it seems like no harm came of it. Now renew your resolve and get back on track. You sound good. Just don't drink anymore. Do you know when the show will be aired?
Guest
Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2015
Posts: 390
Oh trust me, not even once. I've increased my water, continuing my workouts and taking care of me. I realized where I left a weak point last time and working on it.
And while in New York, I know I'll be good since I'll be with my daughters. I want this to be an amazing experience for them and I am NOT messing it up at all.
And while in New York, I know I'll be good since I'll be with my daughters. I want this to be an amazing experience for them and I am NOT messing it up at all.
Guest
Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2015
Posts: 390
The shoot was yesterday. It was interesting and the crew was amazing. We are getting really excited to fly out tomorrow . . . and nervous. Brianna and I hate flying. Luckily, we have short flights.
What I have realized is that I am being handed a beautiful opportunity that could possibly change my life. Once we are home, the changes are in my hands. The ability to change my life has always been in my hands.
I am not a victim of circumstances. Yes, bad things have happened beyond my control. But the reaction and subsequent actions were always my responsibility. My commitment to sobriety is even stronger.
One thing I'm trying to sort is out is a thought (a fear?) I've had; trying to determine if it's my own fears or the AV.
"If you get a car, what if you relapse and drink and drive? You'll love everything. You're not that strong yet"
I believe it's most likely AV and it firms up my commitment even more. I've always had a lot to lose; I have even more now.
I'm happy I'm in counseling now so I have somewhere to work out these thoughts instead of figuring it all out by myself.
Anyway, today's been hectic already and it's not even 9 a.m. Youngest woke up with a rash all over her face: poison ivy. A quick run to the doctor for a shot and then store for medicine and she should be okay. Now, I'm finally relaxing for a bit with some coffee before preparing for tomorrow.
I'm still sober. Still working my plan. Just breathing in and out and taking it moment by moment.
What I have realized is that I am being handed a beautiful opportunity that could possibly change my life. Once we are home, the changes are in my hands. The ability to change my life has always been in my hands.
I am not a victim of circumstances. Yes, bad things have happened beyond my control. But the reaction and subsequent actions were always my responsibility. My commitment to sobriety is even stronger.
One thing I'm trying to sort is out is a thought (a fear?) I've had; trying to determine if it's my own fears or the AV.
"If you get a car, what if you relapse and drink and drive? You'll love everything. You're not that strong yet"
I believe it's most likely AV and it firms up my commitment even more. I've always had a lot to lose; I have even more now.
I'm happy I'm in counseling now so I have somewhere to work out these thoughts instead of figuring it all out by myself.
Anyway, today's been hectic already and it's not even 9 a.m. Youngest woke up with a rash all over her face: poison ivy. A quick run to the doctor for a shot and then store for medicine and she should be okay. Now, I'm finally relaxing for a bit with some coffee before preparing for tomorrow.
I'm still sober. Still working my plan. Just breathing in and out and taking it moment by moment.
Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
