TennantSmith

All of the support here means a lot to me. Today, the AV has been LOUD, roaring actually. I finally stopped and realized it's most likely because I have counseling tomorrow. It's the first step in what will be a painful but healing process. I'm ripping off the band-aid and it's going to hurt so much. I wanted to run from that.

Instead, I went running. I did 2.5 miles, ran most of it. I am sweaty, red in the face, a little sore but feel good.

The idea of drinking is still in my brain. But I'm posting here. It's just a thought, not a demand. I keep telling myself that. And realizing where it's coming from helps as well.

Thank for you giving me this space to get it out. Now I'm off to catch my breath.

biminiblue

The counseling is going to be a little stressful, but you've already lived through the bad stuff. It's in the past.

I can't change the two pages of awful things that have happened to me. I just forgive myself and others as much as possible and as many times as necessary and look forward, not back.

It won't help to drink at it/him/them/her/stuff.

All of the past things are over. I have a 100% success rate at dealing with bad days.

TennantSmith

You have an amazing ability to always say the right thing, lol. Thank you. I already lived through the bad stuff! That's a great perspective.

biminiblue

Well, I guess it's because I know that counseling doesn't change the past, it's just to help change perspective on it. You/I already have within us the ability to heal from past trauma. It's a choice.

TennantSmith

Biminblue, I also wanted to say, your post about a sober mind being a calmer mind rings so true right now. I notice that I do feel calmer daily; my mind isn't so crazy active.

I'm still going to speak to my therapist about it because I also remember a past counselor wanting to do the testing for a diagnosis since I fit the criteria and this was before I drank. However, if things continue on the same path, I'll be okay managing it with CBT and time.

biminiblue

Two weeks sober really isn't long enough to get a valid diagnoses on ADD/ADHD, if that's what you're talking about. It really took me several months - actually almost an entire year to be consistently calm and focused.

Medication may or may not be the answer long-term, but I know that you really need to give yourself time to heal. If it's possible to wait, I'd say try to. The medication comes with its own set of problems.

saoutchik

Just caught up on your thread Michelle, you're an inspiring woman.

I have only been sober a few months myself sovdon't really have anything helpful about that but I do know that with quitting smoking it does get easier in a nice linear way. I hardly had any nicotine cravings after about 6 weeks. (that was way back in 1987). I never felt the urge to smoke again even after becoming an alcoholic

Keep on inspiring Michelle

TennantSmith

No, the original intent of the counselor to send me for testing was about 10 years ago. I was formally diagnosed after about a month of testing and counseling about 6 years ago. This isn't new. I was just making the connection between the original intent to have me seek testing was before I began drinking. So the behaviors were always there, even before alcohol. Over the years, though, drinking has made some of the symptoms worse which is why I now have a desire to go without medicine for a while to see how much was alcohol (presently) and how much is still the ADHD.

TennantSmith

I have my first counseling appointment in a few hours. I'm already feeling anxious. I know this is good for me, healthy. It's going to help my recovery so much. I feel everything right now: the anger, the sadness, the hope. I'm ripping off the bandaid.

As was said on this thread yesterday: I've already been through the bad stuff. I can do this. I'm not going to move forward in my recovery until I face the ghosts, so to speak.

My daughter and her boyfriend are coming over for dinner tonight. I'm happy to finally meet him though there are so lingering issues. They've dated for months and everyone has met him except for me. But she's making an effort now, so I'm focusing on that. We're having a nice dinner so it should be a good time.

For now, I'm enjoying a cup of coffee, relaxing in chat and mentally preparing for the rest of the day.

Soberwolf

Really hope counselling goes well michelle & dinner later with your daughter & bf sounds lovely spk soon

TennantSmith

I slept horribly last night. My mind would not shut off. Oh well, ever onward.

I'm finishing a cup of coffee and charging my phone before heading out for a run. Day 2, Week 4 of C25K. Woot! It does help me feel better.

I feel off today. Really off. I'm hoping a good workout and being busy will help. I also have a call to return about a temporary job designing a website for a local business. The money will be nice.

The dinner went very well last night. My daughter and I had a nice time and I like her boyfriend. I also think it's time for a lunch date with her. They are getting really serious and I'd like to know where she sees them heading. Plus, the fun task of making sure she's being careful, mentally and physically. With her illness, she doesn't get to be as carefree as others her age. I still try to process the fact that I am the parent of an adult daughter.

I feel off, I'm hurting and anxious and angry today. I'm feeling. That's good but I'm not going to dwell on it. I'm going to run, cook, and maybe write.

Happy Wednesday all.

Soberwolf

Hope tomorrow is a better day Michelle

TennantSmith

Thank you Sober (((((HUGGG)))))

I know it's all the feelings I've been burying coming to the surface. I just wish they wouldn't all show up at once, lol. I realize that I don't need to sit and analyze them. I just need to accept that they are happening and then do something constructive. For me, that's a run. Later, I'll write on my blog.

I find that being productive with my day helps. The sense of accomplishment does help a lot.

Another thing that came up was that I got a text from a gentleman I had a few dates with over the past few months. I never saw it going anywhere, so I slowly stopped contact. He contacted me Monday. We chatted a bit, nothing major and then he asked me out to dinner on Friday. I said no, because, again, no dating right now. I mean, early recovery is tough enough without adding a relationship. But also going through counseling to handle the past traumas and it's a recipe for disaster.

And then I got angry, so unbelievably angry. Angry that some stupid, horrible man is still taking things from my life, 4 years later. I know that is an irrational thought, but it was still how I felt. But I'm channeling that anger into positive outlets: recovery, counseling, running, and writing.

I guess these feelings are new: feeling sad and so angry. Angry that I feel as if I cannot function like "normal" people around me. I can't just go on a date, feel safe in my home, go to dinner. Every thing I do right now requires thought, plans, actions.

I should clarify: I'm not grieving the loss of alcohol. At all. I'm very much aware that I'm not grieving the loss of getting drunk because it's not a loss, it's a gain to be freeing myself from that. I'm finally grieving all I've lost these past few years and realizing the amount of work I'm undertaking to sift through the ashes and find myself again.

My counselor said it's a good sign that I'm feeling, that I'm directing them outward to where they belong instead of inward on myself. I did that for too long: blamed myself, took that anger and pushed it inward on myself. Now I'm directing it where it belongs: at a horrible person that stole my peace. But he lost. I'm finding it again and I'll be even stronger.

But right now, I just want to cry a lot. Maybe the tears will mix with sweat while I run.

Incontrol15

I went through the same thing yesterday after a night just like you mentioned. I came out of it later in the day. Hope the same happens for you!

ZaBoozer

Hang in there TS, you are doing great. The feelings and emotions will become more "stable" with time. Now they hit like a tonne of bricks. Ask me, went through the same thing for a while a little time back. If they get too uncomfortable, try force your mind to take you somewhere else. It worked ok for me.

biminiblue

Well, I have to say that you have taken on a lot at once, and the first month of sobriety is a very difficult time regardless.

The trauma is in the past. He can't hurt you now. I understand the anger and the need to create a safe bubble for yourself, I've done that too.

The dating thing? It's okay. Men are not going to disappear from the planet next month. You have plenty of time for that. Slow down. Take your time. You are safe.

This is early recovery. Time takes time. Everything is not going to be solved this week.

You are right where you are supposed to be right now. You are exactly on the path to healing.

TennantSmith

Thank you, everyone.

Biminblue, I did have someone ask if it was a good time to start therapy. I went back and forth with that and realized, for me, it is.

I went for a run and feel a lot better. Endorphins are pretty amazing, actually.

biminiblue

I wasn't saying it was a bad time. Just that it takes time.

Agree on the endorphins

TennantSmith

Ahh, gotcha now! LOL

I get 20 sessions paid for by insurance. I'll go biweekly at first, then stretch out. So by my calculations, a year. She said there is no deadline, though, because, as you said, this is not a fast, overnight thing. This is something that requires time and patience.

I tend to be the type that wants immediate results: Oh, I ran today. I want to lose a pant size immediately. It's probably why I drank. "OH, I feel xyz, I'll drink and won't have to have those feelings" Well, until I woke up the next day and they were intensified.

Anyway, I'm learning to be gentle with myself and be patient.

biminiblue

Right?! We don't really "graduate" from figuring ourselves out - it is a lifelong project.