TennantSmith

I did tell him once he brought up having a cookout so he can meet the neighbors. In let him know I quit and choose to not be around it.

But, for me, my plan should never started way before a visit with the neighbor. I learned another lesson but this time, without a relapse or hangover.

happyandfree

Good job! Every time we are successful, we become stronger for the next time. Building sober muscles, as Dee says.

TennantSmith

Sober muscles look good on me lol

ZaBoozer

Congrats TS, sometimes we have to make a plan on the fly, so to speak.

Soberwolf

How was the frisbee comp michelle

TennantSmith

Sober, that's tonight

Soberwolf

I forget our time diffrence have fun tonight michelle

TennantSmith

The wind was quite active today, the Frisbees weren't behaving, so we only played for an hour. But that's okay. We have all we need to try again....

It's a Saturday evening. It's 10:30pm and I am curled up in bed with a knitting book. I ate too much today. I dealt with some tough situations from others that knocked me off balance. I had moments where my AV was active.

I'm sober. I sat outside tonight and watched people coming in and out of the store, rushing to be somewhere. I sat under my favorite tree. I smelled the neighbors fresh cut grass. I noticed mine needs mowed again. I overheard the tv from an open window. I saw the distant light of the Open sign of the bar, just a few blocks away. I can see the liquor bottles on the shelves through the windows of the store across the street.

I didnt want any of it. I am new to this. It's the first time I've approached my sobriety realizing its work. Life isn't handing anything to me except the tools I need to work towards where I want to be.

I struggle throughout the days, but I no longer feel as lost as I did. When the AV is making herself known, I now know what tools to use to move forward in my recovery and not run to alcohol.

I made it through this weekend. I learned more that helps me this weekend.

I'm exhausted. I'm having moments of sadness. I'm truly feeling my body work. I created boundaries for myself. I napped. I ate too much ice cream and remembered how incredible pb&j on Wonder bread tasted and how delicious Oreos and a glass of milk can be.

I worked my Plan this weekend, many times over. I added more to it. It works. It really works.

I have a big week ahead of me. Dinner with my daughter and her new boyfriend. Counseling. Week 4 of my training plan for a 5k. A possible job interview for a great new position.

I'm calmer. My mind is slowing down. My heart no longer races. I feel normal anxiety about events that cause anyone anxiety. My dreams weren't as vivid last night.

I'm grateful tonight. Very grateful.

ScottFromWI

Sounds like a good day to me, congrats!

Soberwolf

Way to go you Michelle !!

BernieE

You're really working it, Michelle! Great job. It keeps getting better.

ReadyOrNot123

I love your description of smelling the mown grass, it's one of my favorite smells too. I also like to watch the wildlife, and I don't do that when I drink. You are an excellent writer. Good job on the weekend.

TennantSmith

Thank you. I finally woke up feeling rested today. Yay!! My first thought was "girls gone tomorrow night. You got paid. " Stupid AV.

I had a drinking dream last night. I didn't wake up in a panic but thinking "Why was my ex husband there" lol

Today is a, good day.

TennantSmith

My youngest daughter, I'm learning, is the most sensitive to small changes. She's the one that loves cards, a cupcake or having breakfast made for her before school.

She was cleaning her room the other night and found a greeting card I bought for her. I used to do it all the time and then life got crazy and I stopped doing it as much. She let me know she missed them and "homemade is good, too. A message on a piece of paper works". So I'm heading to the store today for card stock, glue, stickers and markers.

I'm learning, with kids, they only want to know that they matter. They want to know that no matter how busy life gets, you're going to show up and be there. I'm proud of her for finding her voice and speaking up more about what she needs.

She's gotten the short end of the stick in a way. Her oldest sister, when really sick, gets a lot of my focus, which she understands. Plus, the twins were dx with a bleeding disorder and one twin went through months of blood transfusions, surgery to dx Endometriosis and hospital stays. Erin, the youngest, is exceptionally healthy, so had to take a back seat at times. She was also the most vocal about my drinking. I realize now it's because she was okay with having to handle life with sick sisters; she wasn't going to accept taking a backseat to my drinking. So, her speaking up means a lot to me and I'm listening with both ears.

Kids say a lot in their silence or in random conversations. So tomorrow, I'm making cards because a store bought one won't do.

TennantSmith

It's Monday. I looked in the mirror this morning and noticed how clear my eyes looked, how much better my face is looking. I'm coming up on two weeks. I'm a bit emotional. That's the longest stretch of sobriety I've had in a while.

They mean more because I had situations this weekend where I could have slipped but didn't. I was reminded not to get too full of myself or overcome by ego, but to remember that this is still WORK. 2 weeks is great; 2 weeks is a drop in the bucket.

There are situations I cannot put myself in. There are people I cannot talk to. There are thoughts I cannot allow to linger.

One thought that keeps coming up is related to my birthday. It's in a little under 3 months. The BIG 3-9, good bye to 30's. I had a big girl's night out planned. Now, I'm not doing that. It keeps coming into my thoughts: "You'll have this much sobriety time. You'll be fine. One night. Then stop again"

I follow this with "Why in the world would I give in after having so much time, feeling amazing, really starting to heal, for one night of drinks?? NO!"

Then I feel a bit of sadness. I'm learning that's normal. But those are the thoughts I cannot entertain. I cannot allow myself to thin I can have a hall pass for a night of drinking and resume sobriety the next day. That's not recovery and I want recovery.

I want a cigarette badly today. I'm relying on Urge surfing and reminding myself that I quit before. I know what to expect. I can do this. I'm trying to justify: "You've quit drinking. You can't be expected to do it all. You'll stop smoking again down the road"

Except down the road is too far away. I don't want to be trapped in that cycle again.

So, Happy Monday. I have a busy day/week planned. I'm excited to be coming up on 2 weeks.

Soberwolf

Congrats Michelle

Cauliflower

Morning Michelle, you are doing so well! About the birthday. You can still plan a big celebration, but it doesn't have to be a Party, so to speak. Plan something so fun and adventurous, where alcohol is not the featured event, that you just cannot think of anything else but the moment it arrives!

TennantSmith

Great idea, Cauliflower. I've considered looking into paintball or something similar. And then getting dressed up and going out to dinner that evening with close friends.

I know I'll figure out something and it'd be nice to remember my birthday this year, ha ha.

saoutchik

Congratulations on 2 weeks Michelle and again on quitting the ciggies

ZaBoozer

Congrats TS, you doing good girl. Keep on keeping on.