Cauliflower

Very inspiring! Stay true to yourself. Journaling helps me stay grounded. I start by reading what I wrote over the past few days, and continue from there. I also am getting reacquainted with my higher being, I am not religious, but spiritual. I listen to Joel Osteen, he is pretty straight forward, and he is able to contrast every day life with scripture. He has a website where you can watch some of his sermons.

TennantSmith

Cauliflower, I have one of his books a friend gave me and he's on the TV Sunday mornings. I don't agree with his philosophy so much, but do agree that seeking a higher power is vital. ((((HUGS))))))

Soberwolf

Keep up the good work Michelle

TennantSmith

As always, thank you, Soberwolf.

Head has been pounding today but I've been more productive.

However, did have a moment. I was searching through the fridge for a specific sauce. I cook A LOT and so my fridge is mainly full of condiments and seasonings. Anyway, I stumble across a bottle of tequila and 4Loko that I didn't buy. They had been left from the last time I had company over.

I stared at it for a second and then dumped it and removed the containers. It was gone. I then went straight to my plan. I read posts, I did Urge surfing, I chatted and stated what had happened. Then I ran errands, mowed the lawn, and had some conversations that made me laugh. The urge was gone quickly.

The AV did her bit "Oh, you can drink again one day"

I did my bit "Yeah, no, I am 100% abstinent. Nothing in between"

Her bit blah blah

But the urge is gone. I'm ready for counseling. My craving for a cigarette is actually the strongest thing tonight but I'm also practiced urge surfing with that and also reminded myself that I am a runner again and I run better as a non-smoker.

Anyway, the AV is more of a whisper. I am, however, aware that it's going to be the next day or two that I'll need to fully work my plan. But I have it ready to go.

So, overall, I'm good. My head is pounding like a beast but I have found that sitting back, relaxing and some ibuprofen is helping.

So, another 24 hours. It feels nice to go to the Daily Support Thread and sign up again. Real nice. I'm closing in on my 5th day. I like that. I really do.

biminiblue

Well done.

Plan the work, work the plan.

happyandfree

Wow, I've been reading some of this thread and I am so impressed. You are awesome, Michelle. You're gonna make it, I can hear how hard you are trying. It's fantastic that you made the counseling appointment. I think that will help a lot. You have such depth in your expression about your developing self awareness. You are figuring it out. You will succeed.
I agree with brain....Keep I will not drink today on the top of the list.
good job dumping the tequila.
�� I am a little concerned about the headache. ..could it have anything to do with the fall?

TennantSmith

((((HaF))))) Thank you for your words. They do mean a lot.

I spoke with the nurse. The headache may be related but there are no other symptoms pointing to any issues that need evaluated. If the headache continues to tomorrow, I am to call the doctor. But no blacking out, loss of coordination, nausea, vision problems. So it's just par for the course and I give it time.

TennantSmith

I woke up today and made my daughter french toast. It took maybe 10 minutes but it's left me feel grateful this morning.

So many times in the past, I'd make a promise of doing something the next day and then I would drink. The hangover would cause me to find excuses to not follow through or to do it halfway.

My hungover days were ridiculous really. Get up, realize what happened, check phone, check Facebook, check call logs to make sure nothing stupid was done. Most of the time delete posts on Facebook and pray I hadn't humiliated myself that much. If my girls weren't home yet, wash face, ice cold water splashed on face repeatedly, brush teeth, quick shower. Attempt to clean up house, start coffee. It was a frantic rush to make things look "normal". Force myself to be productive, make promises, feel shame, get through the day, go to bed, finally sleep and pray for the next day when I would wake up and feel okay.

I tend to use the word sobriety and recovery separately. I quit drinking. I am not going to drink again. I work that daily. My recovery, though, is also about the behaviors. It's about setting boundaries and keeping promises. But that is also one day, one action at a time. Today I got up and made french toast for my daughter. She smiled and hugged me. My youngest is really the only one who has ever been vocal about my drinking. She's the sensitive one who felt it more.

After some discussion with other SR members, I've chosen to not sit the girls down and have "The Talk" again. This time, I decided to follow through with actions. Before I say I'm going to do something, I actually first make sure it can be done and then I follow through. That goes further and means more than empty promises ever will.

If I say I need counseling, I followed through by making an appointment. I'll follow through next by going.

My daughter has an awards banquet tonight. I'm not making a big proclamation about it. I'm going to get ready and be there.

One of the twins mentioned playing Ultimate Frisbee at youth group and she wants us to play. So I'm going to buy the Frisbees and we're going to go play Ultimate Frisbee (and I'm taking all precautions to avoid head injuries )

It's like the country song "A lot less talk and a lot more action"

That's what has clicked with me this time that never did before: it's about actions, not just words. I do actions now that contribute to me staying sober and becoming healthy.

And now I'm writing a book.

Have a beautiful day.

Annalise

Michelle, I've really enjoyed reading this thread. Very inspiring. (Love your username too.)

TennantSmith

Cordy, thank you. I go back a few times a week and re-read it as well to keep myself in check. I also like having the "journal" format to see the progress I am making.

And yes, it is a fantastic username

TennantSmith

Yeah Friday!! One week sober.

I'm still exhausted and dreams are more vivid. My brain is quite awake right now. However, I also feel better and my anxiety is all but gone. Plus, the rapid heart beat is gone.

AV has been a bit more active. As I've learned here and from reading, I know It's fighting because It's not getting It's way. Well, I'm fighting back. Urge surfing and playing the tape through to the end helps so much.

While I realize I am the one doing the work, I wouldn't be where I'm at without the support of SR.

biminiblue

Congrats on the Week! I had a few difficult days in week two. Day nine was by far my hardest day in the early days.

The spinny brain wasn't done with me yet. I still had trouble sleeping in the first three weeks. I would get out of bed, make hot chocolate and sit here on SR until I felt sleepy. It always worked.

I have faith in you

NikTes

A week is awesome, TS! Amazing how quickly the anxiety fades, isn't it? I was gobsmacked at how much the alcohol was making mine worse -- I'd been using it to self-medicate for years. I didn't realize how deep the effects were on my body until a week or so in to sobriety. The palpitations got ready bad with withdrawal. Actually, before quitting, I was waking up with them every day, and thought it was *just* anxiety but after quitting drinking, I realized it was the booze that was causing them. (I was having withdrawal every day from the previous day's drinking.... insidious cycle.) Wowser eye opener. Congrats on one week!

TennantSmith

Hot chocolate makes everything better.

TennantSmith

The past few times I had drank were the first time I had experiences the heart palps. They scared me so much. My heart didnt beat like that after a high intensity 45 min workout, so,it served as another reminder how much alcohol was impacting my body. I used to tell myself I was fine because I binged and then was sober most days. I'm thankful my body spoke up and let me know it needed relief.

Dee74

Congrats on your week TS

D

happyandfree

Good job ts...and I agree, hot chocolate does make things better. And ice cream!

Cauliflower

mmm both are my favourites. I seen ice cream. recommended here so many times lately, I have to try it for cravings. Was this your advice to many lately, Happy? Or just a coincidence?

TennantSmith

I woke up sober on Day 8. I felt proud but also had to remind myself that I toed a very thin line last night. I didn't do the work to remain drink free last night. I got lucky.

A new neighbor moved into the neighborhood. He's a young (when did I get old???) soon to be single dad. We've spoken a bit before about the schools, etc. He came by for a bit last night to chat. He's a drinker.

He didn't bring alcohol (first time we talked was at the local bar, so he assumes I still drink). He said "I almost did but got off work too late to make it to the bank".

I felt relief.... Then a bit of sadness. I wrestled with myself: If there had been alcohol, would I have been able to say no or would I have caved? Knowing I can't answer that with 100% no this early in my recovery means I can't put myself in those situations at all.

I'm learning daily. I feel stronger in some ways, but last night proved to me it's not time to wave the "I got this" banner. It's time to revisit my plan.

I said the other night, between sobs, "I won't give up one more thing for alcohol" I mean that, so it's time for me to start acting like it all of the time.

happyandfree

Close call ts...I avoided being around alcohol like the plague in the beginning . I still avoid it. Tell the guy you quit drinking.
No coincidence about the ice cream....it helped me in the beginning. It was my indulgence for staying sober. I've cut way back now.