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Michelle's accountability thread

Old 04-24-2015, 07:16 AM
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As for changing routine, I'm going to start attending church with my daughters and get more involved in the woman's bible study and sunday school class.

I'm also planning more activities with my closest friends, none of who drink. (I was bright enough to pick sober friends at least)

One thing that has been shifting lately is an overwhelming desire to be closer to God. I shut that part of my life out for so long and it made me miserable. I don't agree with some of the aspects of organized religion. But the foundational stuff, I do realize I need.
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Old 04-24-2015, 07:21 AM
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Your mind is going a million miles a minute because you are in early sobriety. That's part of it. I used to take ADHD meds too - when I was drinking - and now I don't.

Were you diagnosed as a child? I wasn't, it was part of the disease of alcoholism. The meds did help. I don't need them now. Does your doctor know about the amount of alcohol you use in addition to the ADHD meds? They aren't meant to be taken together and the doctor needs to have the whole picture.

The speedy brain calms down 99% with continued sobriety and prayer and meditation.

It. Takes. Time.

Time, meaning you have to get through the first months first. Every drink prevents healing. Acceptance of the fact I was physically healing was huge for me. My brain and nervous system needed a long time to "rewire" - to return to baseline. When I got that uncomfortable speedy brain thing, I exercised. Even if it was jumping jacks for two minutes - it worked. When I was drinking, and in the first few months of sobriety I used to think, "Well, I'm different. People don't understand." No. I had abused alcohol and messed up my body. It does return to normal with time.

Continuing to return to alcohol just keeps you sick. I promise you that with continued sobriety - long term - you will settle down. I had forgotten how good it feels to be able to relax, really relax. Just the other day I thought, "Wow, it's like being 12 again." My body has returned to healthy. I don't have crazy, neurotic, speedy, anxiety brain.

Edit, I just saw your last post. Do you have a copy of AA's Big Book? I don't go to meetings anymore, but the book is inspired. I think you would enjoy reading it. You can read it free online.
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Old 04-24-2015, 07:29 AM
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Biminblue, you've given me a lot to think about.

I wasn't diagnosed as a child though when I got older, my mom saw a show about ADHD and said it was as if they were describing me.

But you are right, I was diagnosed when I was drinking very heavily, about 5 years ago. I've always been the fast talking, spacing out, hyper person. I thought that was just me. My doctor at the time knew about my drinking and focused more on that than the ADHD. He kept telling me over and over that I am actually a calm person. I told him he was completely wrong and stopped going.

You words mean a lot to me because I never thought of the perspective you've given me: It's my body healing.

I just remembered. A few years ago, I was in A.A. The first month, I was hyper, anxious, fast talking, etc. After about 6 weeks of sobriety, one of the other members came up to me and we had a nice discussion. He then sat back in his chair and smiled. I asked why. I'll never forget what he said:
"I finally got to meet the real Michelle"

I was calm, I spoke intelligently, I maintained eye contact. I was relaxed.

I was sober.

Thank you . . . so much.
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Old 04-24-2015, 07:46 AM
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I understand. I was also fast-talking, anxious, hyper, nervous.

It was miserable.

I'd say I've calmed down 99%. A lot of it is learning to deal with life's stressors without using alcohol. Letting go. Acceptance. The Serenity Prayer. But most of it is physical, IMO.

I had the Serenity Prayer on a continuous loop in my head 24/7 for the first three months of my sobriety. That anxious horrible energy does dissipate.

You say you want to return to God. I say that is the reason I am healed. Prayer is the single most important thing I do. Full stop.

I don't go to church, I don't go to AA. I do pray. I believe there is a Higher Part of Me. The part that instinctively knows what is best for me. Call it God, or call it Spirit, or whatever. The word isn't the thing. When I seek that, everything falls in line. Ask and see what happens.

I know you'll figure this out. Stay centered.
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Old 04-24-2015, 07:48 AM
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weird dbl post
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Old 04-24-2015, 07:52 AM
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Thank you.
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Old 04-24-2015, 05:23 PM
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You sound very motivated and like you are making progress .
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Old 04-25-2015, 06:48 AM
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Life is funny sometimes. As I have stated before and most people in my life know, I do not date at this time. Only here at SR is where I discuss it from a sobriety standpoint.

Dating is a HUGE trigger for me. Ginormous. So I avoid it. It's what is best for me and a decision I am content with.

I've been asked out 3 times this week.

Ha ha, nice curve ball. I just knocked it right back out of the park.

I also realize that while I am overall content with not dating, there will come times when the idea of a date will seem appealing. This cannot happen, not at this point. So, what I'm debating with myself this morning is whether to have a specific place in my plan to deal with dating or just continue to follow the plan in relation to urges. After all, dating is a trigger that could result in the same result: an urge to drink. Not always and forever. But for now.

Ehh, I need to stop making this difficult. I recognize it as a trigger. If I'm asked out and it causes me to have an urge to drink, Ill follow my plan in relation to urges.

I really need to stop complicating thing.

But overall, today is going to be good. I'm spring cleaning and doing a big food prep for the week. I'm going for a run or if still rainy, I may do some strength training. My best friend and his wife may come over to visit. They are great and my go-to face to face people when things are rough and/or I am struggling with drinking. Neither are addicts but I trust them with my life. They have been my best friends for over a decade and sometimes it's nice to have someone to call and say 'This sucks" and they don't judge but let me talk.

Anyway, it's going to be a good day.
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Old 04-25-2015, 07:56 AM
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I was on my way to the car wash...

Michelle!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Slow down girlfriend.

I know you are excited as you should be. But you are all over the map right now. You sound like a first year student already preparing for their doctoral thesis at the moment.

Sorry

Focus on some little things at the moment. Baby steps as they say.

Pick out things that are essential at the moment and build on them.

Dating may be a trigger. Really? I think if you break it down there is 'something' associated with 'dating' that is a stressor for you. Not necessarily 'dating' as a whole. Find out what it is. But don't make it a priority right now. Eventually when you get some solid sober time you will be able to address things that have been a struggle for you in the past. It is possible they may miraculously disappear. Who knows. Just don't stretch yourself too thin at the moment.
Baby steps. Slow down.
I think of a man who was wheel chair bound for 20 years and suddenly can walk again. He's not ready to run the Boston Marathon next week. Hope you understand my comments. I just don't want you to loose focus on the important stuff right now.

And yes, I understand that dating has been put on hold. Just take a step back and see what you have posted over the past week. that's all.
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Old 04-25-2015, 08:02 AM
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((((LBrain))))) Thank you. It is a good day for the car wash.

I understand what you mean. I think sometimes when typing out replies, I tend to get quite expressive.

On my side of the keyboard, the situation played out like this "Oh, X messaged. Hmm. A date. Nahhh" and then I posted here.

I am aware of the different aspects of dating that are triggers for me. I don't want to deal with them, so I don't. My focus is solidly on recovery right now.

But yes, I am doing baby steps. It's about all I know to do right now.

thank you for your post and your words.
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Old 04-25-2015, 10:12 AM
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I once had someone say, "I like it that you're so scattered." It was easy for him to say, he didn't have to live in my head.

I still sometimes have four or five thoughts going at the same time. I understand the jumpy thoughts.

It will calm down. Meditation is excellent for that.

(^^link)

I hope you have a great day.
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Old 04-25-2015, 12:18 PM
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Thank you, bim. (((HUGS)))

I also have quite a few meditation podcasts on my phone I use. They help a lot. I'll check out your link. It helps to have many resources.
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Old 04-26-2015, 07:54 AM
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I slipped in the bathroom last night. The floor was wet and the bath mat was twisted. I hit my head on the side of the tub. I cut my head and I'm all banged up. I ran to the store and people stared, of course. I should get a shirt that says "Warning, clumsy person but don't worry, my injuries are self inflicted"

Beyond that, I have a nice slow day planned. I cooked up quite a bit of food yesterday for the week and hope to finish some more today.

I'm considering an addictions counselor. Or even a counselor in general. I'm going to make some calls this week.

Have a great week.
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Old 04-26-2015, 02:21 PM
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It's been a quiet day. I have been feeling a bit off but that's okay. Everyone has those days and I'm not going to drink over it.

Tonight, I'm going to relax and finish "To Kill A Mockingbird" It's been a beautiful read and I'm curious how it ends. I'll find out tonight. I also realize I need to get back into meditating more. It really does help center me.

A thought I had last night regarding sobriety and meditation is that they go together so well because it keeps me present. If I think too much on my past, I feel depressed and that leads to relapse. If I focus too much on the future, I feel so overwhelmed. When I am mindful, I am present. Just this one moment is all that matters. It keeps me sane, sober, and in a good place.

I was also thinking about shame. I have so much. Almost all of it is related to alcohol. It's an easy problem to fix: remove the thing that is causing the pain. It's like my mom would say to me when I said "My hand hurts if i move it this way" She would respond "Don't move it that way, then"

Happy Sunday, friends.
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Old 04-26-2015, 02:42 PM
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Hope your head is feeling a lil better Mich enjoy your book

Meditation is very calming and helps me with perspective
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Old 04-26-2015, 02:47 PM
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Thank you, Sober.

I took a prescription strength Ibuprofen. It's helped.

I'm really looking forward to curling up with a book. Many times lately, I really desire the quiet. The tv, music, background noise is distracting. So I'll turn everything off and read. It really relaxes me.

And yes, meditation is so useful. I find that I approach the days differently when I have meditated vs. when I do not. It starts my mind off right for the day, I guess.

Have a blessed Sunday.
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Old 04-26-2015, 02:50 PM
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(((((Michelle)))))
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Old 04-27-2015, 10:50 AM
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I called to set up counseling for myself. I have an appointment next week. They are fast.

The Center where I am going offers basically every type of mental health service: ADHD management, evaluations/testing, adult/child/family therapy, PTSD, abuse/trauma, coping strategies as well as addictions counseling.

I knew I could have went in so many directions but chose to begin just by seeing a counselor. I figure that by showing up, talking, we can decide the best steps to take next.

So, another action taken, not just talked about. It feels good.
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Old 04-27-2015, 08:19 PM
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I went and had a nice 2.5 mile walk tonight. I wanted to run but figured I'd give it a few more days. It was so perfect out: a light breeze, mid 60's, the sun was starting to go down so of course, incredibly bright, and many of my neighbors were mowing their lawns. In addition to the beautiful weather, I was treated to the intoxicating scent of fresh cut grass.

I came home and made a nice, healthy dinner. I chatted with some friends and watched some cheesy movies. It's been a nice evening. My emotions are still all over the place, but I know that's normal.

I was sitting here tonight, craving a cigarette. I was going to grab a popsicle and spied the Tin Roof Sundae in the back of the fridge (thank you, daughters, for not putting it right in front of me, lol). I hesitated since I am really working on eating healthy. I then remembered a few things I've read here:

1. Slow down.

2. One thing at a time

3. Ice cream is a godsend in early sobriety

My main focus right now is sobriety. Through that, I desire to be healthier in other areas. But good lord, I am working on recovery and debating ONE bowl of ice cream??? I never debated the 1000+ calories I drank 1-2 nights a week that was followed by high fat food and then a day of horrible eating and not wanting to move.

I added whipped cream and chocolate sauce.

It's been a good day. I've had moments of sadness and some fear. But it's been a good day.
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Old 04-28-2015, 03:35 AM
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Michelle you are awesome
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