Eshgham

Nice work Michelle, I've found having a journal type thread has really helped me. Good luck.

TennantSmith

Hello everyone. Yesterday was so rough. My oldest daughter and I are still struggling in our relationship. I know some of it is her finding her way as an adult. Some of it is her being so spoiled since she's sick. I never thought I'd have to beg my daughter to visit.

we were so close for so long. Whatever she was going through, I was right there beside her. Now I'm not. Now I'm the last person she wants around. I feel like my heart is breaking.

But getting wasted to deal with it won't help. I actually had a strong thought come to me that I'm going to write on today: High heels and running shoes. Those are two choices I have when things are bad. Am I going to dress up and go out and drink. Or am I going to lace up my faithful running shoes and let exercise heal me and help me destress. Who knows? Maybe it'll be the name of my book.

I sent off a few resumes this morning. I have about 4 more places to send them too. I have a job counselor who is awesome, but I'm feeling the pressure from her to find something soon. I wish I could have her spend a day with me so she can see how hard I am working.

I did talk to someone last night about possibly building his website for a new business. We'll see how that pans out. The money would be nice.

Today, my goal is to do some writing, clean house a bit, send out the remaining resumes to jobs I've come across. Tonight, my daughters and I are starting the Couch to 5K training program.

I know 100% a big part of my recovery needs to be finding a job. Going to work daily, feeling like I'm contributing and doing something with my life will help A LOT. So I keep sending out resumes. At this point, I average about 5-10 resumes a week.

I've gotten quite a few job offers. But once they find out I don't have a car right now, the offers are withdrawn. The frustration is immense. I'm also still fighting with insurance to approve my ADHD medication. We're hoping something will happen today.

So I'm doing a lot to move life forward. I just need something to click and happen.

TennantSmith

Well, I have a job interview tomorrow. It's not in my field, but it is a job and that's really all that matters at this point. I think I stand a great chance of getting it. Keeping my fingers crossed!

Soberwolf

Good luck with the job interview (((Michelle)))

TennantSmith

Thank you. The hours I initially was told are actually wrong. The H.R. manager called back and said he was wrong. The new hours don't work, car wise. So I'm going to take today and tomorrow and see if I can figure things out.

I did apply for 15 jobs today. I think I have every past job and references phone number memorized. I am hoping one calls.

My ex-husband bought a new truck. He still has his old one. It sits in his drive 99% of the time. I have begged to use it with me taking responsibility for maintenance, fuel, and insurance. He gives a solid no.

I guess I wish people would realize how one small thing could truly be life changing for my daughters and I. One small thing. I have the experience, education, and drive. I've had tremendous job offers. I only need a vehicle for 1 month and then I can buy a new one for myself. 1 month. 1 car. Seems so simple and it's the hardest thing I've ever dealt with.

I'm feeling down today. Very down. I'm hoping tomorrow is better.

ScottFromWI

Sorry to hear things aren't working out on all fronts, but kudos for putting together all of those job apps, I am certain that if you apply yourself as you have been you will find something soon.

Anna

I know it's very hard work, and often discouraging, to be job-hunting. And, I understand how it will be so important to your recovery. Do you have any public transportation in your area? Or can you get a ride with a neighbor to & from a potential job? I know if you keep at it you will get something.

I feel your pain in your relationship with your daughter. Have faith that things will change in a positive way.

TennantSmith

I reached out and asked about rides. However, the job is in the next city and the hours are mid-shift so no luck there. Also, no public transportation since I live in a small town.

I called my ex again because he has another truck he may give to one of the twins. I asked to use it with the same conditions and he said no again. What angers me is that his parents pay for most of what he has and yet he tells me that I need to stop asking for help and figure out how to do this on my own like an adult.

Those are the times you just hang up the phone and stop talking. I'll get up tomorrow, send out more resumes and keep going.

But I'm sober so that's something.

saoutchik

Hi Michelle, I'm sure you have already thought of this but can you take you job offers to a bank. Probably a long shot but it might be worth a try

TennantSmith

Saoutchik, I actually talked to one dealership. I have to be legally employed and receiving a paycheck before they can look at me. The job I have now has shifted more to freelance type work since the main project is done (I built, maintained a website). So, even with that, the income isn't considered steady. I also think I picked up a second freelance job. But again, freelance.

It'll get easier in a few weeks once the girls are out of school. They'll have more freedom to be my ride. I'm feeling better now after posting about it, talking to a good friend, and drinking some red snapdragon sparkling water. Seriously, that stuff is amazing!

saoutchik

Glad you are feeling better Michelle.

At least you are getting the job offers so you are clearly doing something right. Fingers crossed you land something soon

bookmaven

I love your accountability thread/journal. Is it ok if I follow your lead and create my own.

I just have to ask, are you a Doctor Who fan TennantSmith?

TennantSmith

bookmaven, of course, go ahead. I got the idea from another member myself.

And as for Doctor Who, yes, I am. Very much so.

bookmaven

My favorite show. I have series 8 on DVD from the library. I'm so excited to binge watch.

TennantSmith

I journaled last night before bed. I decided to focus on the things I had done right re: my recovery plan and areas where I need to keep working on. After all, it's those weakest links that lead to the drinks (<---I'm a poet, ha).

One thing I wrote was:

"I'm not going to reach my goals just by writing them down. There has to be ACTION daily, no matter how uncomfortable.

Drinking was uncomfortable, too, but I had no problem with continuing to drink. I have proven I am okay being uncomfortable. Now it's time to be uncomfortable for the right reasons"

I couldn't get that out of my mind "I have proven I am okay being uncomfortable" Yes, I drank to get rid of the hurt, pain, feelings in general. But I always did it with the full knowledge that I would end up the next morning hungover, full of shame, my stomach hurting, my day dragging. I knew it was going to suck but I did it anyway.

I'm shifting that thought to my sobriety. Yes, days are going to blow big time. Sobriety can get a bit messy in the beginning. But honestly, it's NOTHING compared to how messy my life was while drinking.

Feelings! I get through them daily. I get through so many of them and don't drink. Drinking does nothing magical to my feelings. It does nothing. That is what is helping me in my recovery. Paying attention and realizing that I handle those feelings better when I'm not drinking than when I am.

I don't honestly know what I'm doing most days with this. I read, I listen, I learn from others. I listen to myself and learn a bit from me as well.

But I'm sober again today and that counts for a lot to me.

TennantSmith

Most definitely!! We watch on Netflix or Youtube. My daughter, Kate, and I watched some of the Classic episodes last night. The outfits and graphics of that time are hilarious, but the writing is still so brilliant.

TennantSmith

I got a nice run in today. I'm definitely getting faster. I think it's time to push myself a bit more for next week. I also did a nice upper body workout.

A friend got a hold of me. "come see me!" she's at the bar. I told her no. She was persistent and I finally told her I had so much on my plate, there was no time. She asked me to join her Saturday.

I've mentioned to her that I feel I have a problem with my alcohol. She is reluctant to believe it because she's of the mindset "If you're not like a person on Intervention, you are fine"

She doesn't have a drinking problem. She rarely drinks. She tends bar so she really doesn't understand. I try to keep it simple, "Yeah, I'm training for the race. No booze for me" but that doesn't always work.

Oh well. I'm home. I got an incredible workout in. I have my plan in place for the weekend. It's been a good Wednesday.

Bmac

Glad to hear you are doing better. Please continue to keep us posted.

LBrain

Michelle, one thing many of us experience is the fact that others may not know how bad our drinking problem is. Even if it's only bad in our own eyes.
A year ago I had several people deny that I had a problem with alcohol.

Some just don't understand or are unwilling to accept it. As long as you stand your ground - do what's best for you - you are the winner.

TennantSmith

Most definitely. In the end, it's about ME making the decision that is best for ME. Those that are true friends are going to support me. I've learned over the years that "drinking" buddies tend to fall by the wayside pretty easily.

This morning was nice. My oldest daughter called out of the blue. She didn't want anything, there was no drama. She wanted to chat and nothing more. She was proud of herself for paying a parking ticket without asking her dad for help. We're having issues (well, growing pains, ha) but I'm happy to see that she is taking steps to be more independent.

I'm also disappointed that my daughters and I got busy last night and missed the meteor shower. Oh well, we'll catch the next one ha ha