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Michelle's accountability thread

Old 04-17-2015, 07:26 PM
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Originally Posted by TennantSmith View Post
Thank you!! My youngest is babysitting my friend's boys here tonight. I suspect a lot of Star Wars and Xbox time, lol. I'm going to attempt to make a dent in the book I'm reading. I love to read and can't believe it's taken me this long to finally read To Kill a Mockingbird, lol.
Keep up projects and goals like that- books you've meant to read, things you can work toward and accomplish. When those things start to add up, you'll be able to easily see that life sober is much more rewarding than life drinking, which slowly robs us us accomplishments and experiences.
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Old 04-17-2015, 07:31 PM
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Originally Posted by GnikNus View Post
Keep up projects and goals like that- books you've meant to read, things you can work toward and accomplish. When those things start to add up, you'll be able to easily see that life sober is much more rewarding than life drinking, which slowly robs us us accomplishments and experiences.
That is my definite goal.

Idle hands and all that
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Old 04-18-2015, 05:52 AM
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The kids are all up and ready for the day. My girls were the ones babysitting but I ended up doing a lot, so told them I want a cut of the pay, ha.

I woke up so refreshed. No wondering what I did or said the night before, no feverish checking texts, phone logs, and Facebook for messages I'll regret.

Today is going to be busy, but the good kind. Shopping, movies and a workout. I'm really needing to dedicate to my running schedule to reach those goals.

One thing I'm working on is keeping my word. I was the "promise maker" when drunk but then struggled to keep my word once sober. However, I don't blame this on drinking; I had this issue while sober as well.
I'm realizing I can't blame alcohol for behaviors that are all me. I didn't put away alcohol and become perfect. I've just become more aware of my flaws. And that's okay because it's not so scary anymore.

Sometimes I want to cringe when I become aware of a behavior I don't like. But one thing that has helped is taking with my sister more. I've always had her on a pedestal. She never deserved to be on one; none of us do. We're all flawed humans making a life, making mistakes and learning from them.
I'm flawed. I have traits that require change. But it's a hell oh a lot easier to work on things when I'm not working to balance drunk me and sober me.
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Old 04-18-2015, 11:54 AM
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I just got back from a 2.5 mile run/walk. More walk than run due to my ankle being a brat. I'll tape it next time.

My AV has been quite active today. The workout helped with that some. I'm hanging with the family and enjoying our night. But those lingering "you'll drink again" doubts are creeping in. However, I remind myself that thoughts are powerless until I act on them.

I choose me.... Not drinking.
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Old 04-18-2015, 01:35 PM
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Exercise was a good move. That always helps keep cravings at bay. Maybe your book could get you through another?
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Old 04-19-2015, 07:13 AM
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I drank. I could have easily pretended I didnt, but lying helps nothing.

This morning is typical: I feel like a failure, I'm sad. I had all of the tools I needed to get through the craving and chose to not use them.

Last night wasn't fun. The bar was packed and except for a couple of people, I was alone.

Today is a new day but I don't want that to be a hollow saying that allows me empathy and encouragement. I have to make this commitment 100%. There can be no wiggle room.

I'm so tired. I just need to reach deep into myself and truly see if I really want this 100%. Not 90%, not 99.9%...100%.

I don't want to feel like this anymore. I'm tired of feeling like this.

And the worst part is I don't have to but continue to make choices that lead me here.

That's insanity.

I picture myself, sober. I see so clearly who I am capable of being. Why am I so scared of her? I know her. I've been her. I am her.

I'm ready to admit I need help.
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Old 04-19-2015, 07:38 AM
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I feel the need to lay it all on the line. I'm so tired of hiding behind half-truths.

Over the past three years, I've gained 50#. I used to run most days, lift weights and watch what I ate. My drinking started increasing. I lost jobs, I lost relationships, I lost myself.

I graduated college 10 months ago. I thought that was the answer. I thought I'd land a great job. My life would improve. I'd finally live up to expectations.

Wrong. I've applied for 60+ jobs. I'm applying for more today. Currently, I'm unemployed. Once household bills and needs are taken care of, there is nothing left. I have no car. I feel like a failure every single day. I sit at home. I go workout. I watch tv. And I face daily that my life is a mess.

I know it can be better but I feel paralyzed and scared. I need a car to land the jobs I've been offered. I need a job to get a, car. I've reached out for help with no success. I've begged my ex-husband to allow me to use my twins car. He says no. I'm stuck and I've never been in this place before. I've always been a doer.

So, with this free time, it's time to focus 100% on recovery instead of using it as an excuse for relapse.

Maybe by fixing the inside, the outside will improve.
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Old 04-19-2015, 08:52 AM
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Originally Posted by TennantSmith View Post

Maybe by fixing the inside, the outside will improve.
Yes, in time. But right now you need to simply not drink no matter what. Is there a common trigger to your relapsing? Perhaps the honest feelings you shared about finding a job and a car?

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Old 04-19-2015, 08:55 AM
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I can't pinpoint an exact trigger. More often that not, it's habit. Part of my plan for the next urge is to stop and pay attention to what is going on and journal it. This may help me identify triggers more readily so that I can prepare better.
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Old 04-19-2015, 08:58 AM
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Good stuff Michelle
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Old 04-19-2015, 09:00 AM
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Originally Posted by TennantSmith View Post
I drank. I could have easily pretended I didnt, but lying helps nothing.
I figured as much when you didn't post back to your thread about how you were struggling with the AV. When folks disappear from their struggling posts, too often its because they have listened to their lying AV and decided to drink.

Life has thrown you some challenges. I won't say sobriety will solve all of them. But I can say that drinking solves nothing and just adds to your woes. Sobriety can be the foundation upon which you can build a renewed life.

Good luck.
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Old 04-19-2015, 09:08 AM
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Glad that you came back here after drinking last night. I'm routing for you.
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Old 04-19-2015, 09:17 AM
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Thank you.

An old family friend messaged me out of the blue. He's been in recovery as well and doing incredibly well. It'll be nice to have someone to talk to who understands. We're going to lunch this week to catch up.

Also, since I know dating is NOT what I need to be doing. This friend is just that, lunch wont be a date and we've never had romantic feelings for each other.

I just wanted to clarify.
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Old 04-20-2015, 06:47 AM
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Happy Monday. I slept so well last night.

I wrote out a plan last night in a new journal. I covered developing a routine, spirituality, and my physical side.

I'm hoping the issues associated with my new ADHD medicine are resolved today. I was on Straterra and it was a very bad medicine for me. Since I'm an adult, my insurance is making my dr go through extra steps to prove I need Adderal. In the meantime, I hanging out with a brain that never stops and no motivation. ADHD has its upside; it has its very bad downside as well. I'm hoping to find balance soon. That seems to be my theme for 2015.
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Old 04-20-2015, 07:13 AM
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Glad you're here TS :-)
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Old 04-20-2015, 07:26 AM
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Happy monday michelle im sitting in beautiful sunshine
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Old 04-20-2015, 07:35 AM
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It's quite sunny here as well. However, it's still quite cool. Our weather patterns in Missouri is quite erratic at times. I am happy we haven't jumped from freezing to hot in one week, though.

I'm getting chores done today. My workout will be yoga due to a kinked up neck. I'm sending out more resumes tonight and following some job leads.

I'm starting Whole30 today with my sister. Suddenly, I feel like I forgot how to plan a meal, lol. It's so much easier to make a sandwich and call it good.

I also threw out cigarettes yesterday. Today is 100 days since I quit and I'm not letting one slip turn into a relapse.

I've also chosen to, no matter what, post here, on the gratitude and 24 hour thread. I'll check in, I'll focus on being grateful and make my 24 hour commitment.

Happy Monday, friends.
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Old 04-20-2015, 08:05 AM
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I feel like you and I have a lot in common. My father struggles with alcohol addiction and so I have based my drinking on his, and I would justify my drinking as, "well I don't drink every night," or "I don't get the shakes." I got plowed on the weekends, and a lot of 20+ people here in the Midwest city I live in do. It's acceptable. But not to me. I now know that my drinking is destructive to ME. It's not fun. It's dangerous. Fights, screaming, crying, falling down, blacking out, none of that is fun. I am reading a staying sober book and the author had some good advice: on your deathbed, you will not look back and think, "damn, I wish I had drank more."

That little whisper enters my ear too, often on Friday. It's going to be tough. And this Friday is going to be my first sober Friday in a long time. It's going to be tough, but the Sober me is going to scream louder than the Drunk me. Sober Me will prevail. It has to. It's life or death.

I think what makes alcohol so insidious is that manifests different tragedies for different people. Some, its physical. Some it'd social or family. Despite it all, there is a commonality: it's destructive and it will sabotage everything.

Good luck on your journey; I look forward to being on mine with you and everyone here!
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Old 04-20-2015, 08:13 AM
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Another Midwesterner ya, we'll be sober buddies, lol.

My girls are gone next weekend. I have no plans yet beyond some runs. I am thinking it'd be a great weekend to spring clean and maybe call up my pregnant friend for a coffee date.

Loneliness is a big trigger for me sometimes. I've made the decision not to date. Therefore, I don't always have concrete weekend plans. However, I think a quiet, productive weekend is exactly what I need.
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Old 04-20-2015, 08:51 AM
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I also have ADHD paired with a drinking problem. I was undiagnosed until age 34 so for many years, I selfmedicated with alcohol. The adhd meds help a lot, but when they wear off at night I am vulnerable to alcohol to take off the edge. I ruined many jobs and relationships with my drinking and impulsiveness, disorganization.

Alcoholism is bad enough by itself, but combined with ADHD makes a perfect storm for bad decision making. I have very poor impulse control so I have to always be weary of situations where I am around alcohoL. I feel my heart skip a beat when I pass a pub and think about a cold pint of beer. Try again and stay out of the bars!
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