Michelle's accountability thread
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Troy, thank you. Each day is different, lol, but overall, I'm doing well.
I had something happen yesterday. It entered my mind: "go have some drinks. Nothing bad can happen. Kids are busy. You have the money. Work is done." My response wasn't as it has been in the past of fighting the desire, overwhelming thoughts, etc. Instead, it was more of a passe "Ehh, no. I have better things to do"
Of course I know that doesn't mean I can stand up and shout "I'm all better. It's over. I beat this forever. Go me" LOL. But I am finding my relationship with alcohol to be shifting. Instead of IT being my social life, I have other activities. The idea of drinking is more of a chore really. Looking back on it, drinking was a lot of work. Exhausting really. Get ready, get somewhere. See if anyone wants to join. Plan ahead for the next day if there are plans. Try to not make fool of self. Make sure I got home safely. On and on and on.
I hung out with the twins once work was done. We ordered pizza and watched movies. We went and got ice cream. I went to bed at a nice decent time and woke up to storms feeling refreshed.
I know going into the field I'm in, days will be hard. I'll have moments where drinking is the first coping mechanism I'll turn to. I have plans in place for that. The women's meeting/AA group right on my way home. Meeting my girls at the gym. SR.
I think the struggle is becoming easier to manage because I now have more resources to use. I'm not sitting here, needing something face to face, but with no way to get there. I'm not home all day, bored, with too much time to think of drinking to alleviate those feelings. I can jump in the car and go somewhere face to face. I can go to the gym. I go to work. Those things are going to make a difference for me.
Anyway, today is a decent day. Errands and then later, movies with the twins and maybe a surprise pedicure. This weekend is full of car shopping and buying clothes for work. Sunday, I have a cookout with my sister's in-laws since my nieces and nephews are in town. We haven't seen each other in over a year, so we are all quite excited.
The stress is winding down as everything is coming together. I'm learning every day. It's not as scary as I thought it would be.
I had something happen yesterday. It entered my mind: "go have some drinks. Nothing bad can happen. Kids are busy. You have the money. Work is done." My response wasn't as it has been in the past of fighting the desire, overwhelming thoughts, etc. Instead, it was more of a passe "Ehh, no. I have better things to do"
Of course I know that doesn't mean I can stand up and shout "I'm all better. It's over. I beat this forever. Go me" LOL. But I am finding my relationship with alcohol to be shifting. Instead of IT being my social life, I have other activities. The idea of drinking is more of a chore really. Looking back on it, drinking was a lot of work. Exhausting really. Get ready, get somewhere. See if anyone wants to join. Plan ahead for the next day if there are plans. Try to not make fool of self. Make sure I got home safely. On and on and on.
I hung out with the twins once work was done. We ordered pizza and watched movies. We went and got ice cream. I went to bed at a nice decent time and woke up to storms feeling refreshed.
I know going into the field I'm in, days will be hard. I'll have moments where drinking is the first coping mechanism I'll turn to. I have plans in place for that. The women's meeting/AA group right on my way home. Meeting my girls at the gym. SR.
I think the struggle is becoming easier to manage because I now have more resources to use. I'm not sitting here, needing something face to face, but with no way to get there. I'm not home all day, bored, with too much time to think of drinking to alleviate those feelings. I can jump in the car and go somewhere face to face. I can go to the gym. I go to work. Those things are going to make a difference for me.
Anyway, today is a decent day. Errands and then later, movies with the twins and maybe a surprise pedicure. This weekend is full of car shopping and buying clothes for work. Sunday, I have a cookout with my sister's in-laws since my nieces and nephews are in town. We haven't seen each other in over a year, so we are all quite excited.
The stress is winding down as everything is coming together. I'm learning every day. It's not as scary as I thought it would be.
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I have thoughts like that too. I will be in the middle of a sentence at work when I think, I've got to have a drink. It's still an automatic response to stress for me...the coping skill I utilized for decades. But it passes. I think it through to the end, including the sickness that would follow. And it's gone.
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Brianna is getting pretty sick again. She was in the ER yesterday due to pain she couldn't manage at home with her meds and extreme nausea. Today, she is incredibly weak. She's losing weight very quickly. It may be time to consider the feeding tube again. She is contacting her specialist and waiting to hear back.
My heart is breaking. We both know how to manage this. We've been here before. It just gets a bit more exhausting each time.
I wanted to vent . . . .
My heart is breaking. We both know how to manage this. We've been here before. It just gets a bit more exhausting each time.
I wanted to vent . . . .
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What a Sunday, lol. My nieces and nephew are in town, so I'm going to my sister's in-laws to have a cookout and see them. The girls and I are excited because we haven't seen them in over a year.
Over the past year, my sister and I have gotten a lot closer. In the past, we weren't close, most of that due to my own issues. Plus, I was drinking all of the time and felt worthless around her. In the past year, as I've cut back and now quit completely, it's allowed me to get closer to people.
One worry about today is that my sister's in-laws are incredibly, deeply, conservative Christians. I'm not. I have my faith. I have my beliefs. But I am not conservative. They love to discuss current events in relation to their beliefs. I have strong opinions about recent events. My plan is to acknowledge their statements and move on. Today isn't a time for a deep discussion on reality tv stars, ha. And honestly, reading that sentence makes me realize how often we have deep discussions about reality stars. Silly really.
The money came. It sits in the bank. It'll be released to me on the 17th. Brianna is going out of town, so I'm using her car this week. Next week, I may use her car or a friend's. It's nice to know it's almost over and I'll have my own vehicle. I just didn't plan this all well in relation to time. It truly is a "don't count your chickens before they hatch" scenario. I assumed A would happen so I could go ahead with B but then A happened too late and B happened too quickly. My supervisor is being great about it, but I know there is frustration on both sides.
But I know within a month, these moments right now will be nothing but memories. The struggles have definitely made me a more grateful person. I went through a very spoiled period in life. That was never me. That was me trying to find some meaning or happiness while still being miserable. Losing everything in a short span refocused my priorities. I know I wouldn't be where I am now or who I am now without the past two years. So I choose to be grateful.
And my house is hot today. HVAC is coming tomorrow to look over my central air unit. He's been here before and is very fast, so I'm hoping for some cool air before the Heat Index hits 107 later this week. It's definitely summer time here now. But instead of getting upset, I opened windows, let a breeze in, turned on some fans and feel grateful that I have a central air unit to fix and a landlord who takes care of his rentals and his renters.
I guess it's about changing my reaction. The situations are all the same. They are frustrating. However, they aren't major, life altering, or as worse as it can get. They are just normal everyday things that happen because I am alive. None of it is worth drinking over.
Have an amazing Sunday everyone.
Over the past year, my sister and I have gotten a lot closer. In the past, we weren't close, most of that due to my own issues. Plus, I was drinking all of the time and felt worthless around her. In the past year, as I've cut back and now quit completely, it's allowed me to get closer to people.
One worry about today is that my sister's in-laws are incredibly, deeply, conservative Christians. I'm not. I have my faith. I have my beliefs. But I am not conservative. They love to discuss current events in relation to their beliefs. I have strong opinions about recent events. My plan is to acknowledge their statements and move on. Today isn't a time for a deep discussion on reality tv stars, ha. And honestly, reading that sentence makes me realize how often we have deep discussions about reality stars. Silly really.
The money came. It sits in the bank. It'll be released to me on the 17th. Brianna is going out of town, so I'm using her car this week. Next week, I may use her car or a friend's. It's nice to know it's almost over and I'll have my own vehicle. I just didn't plan this all well in relation to time. It truly is a "don't count your chickens before they hatch" scenario. I assumed A would happen so I could go ahead with B but then A happened too late and B happened too quickly. My supervisor is being great about it, but I know there is frustration on both sides.
But I know within a month, these moments right now will be nothing but memories. The struggles have definitely made me a more grateful person. I went through a very spoiled period in life. That was never me. That was me trying to find some meaning or happiness while still being miserable. Losing everything in a short span refocused my priorities. I know I wouldn't be where I am now or who I am now without the past two years. So I choose to be grateful.
And my house is hot today. HVAC is coming tomorrow to look over my central air unit. He's been here before and is very fast, so I'm hoping for some cool air before the Heat Index hits 107 later this week. It's definitely summer time here now. But instead of getting upset, I opened windows, let a breeze in, turned on some fans and feel grateful that I have a central air unit to fix and a landlord who takes care of his rentals and his renters.
I guess it's about changing my reaction. The situations are all the same. They are frustrating. However, they aren't major, life altering, or as worse as it can get. They are just normal everyday things that happen because I am alive. None of it is worth drinking over.
Have an amazing Sunday everyone.
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I guess I should clarify. My sister's Mother and Father in law are truly some of the most amazing, caring people I've ever met. However, we are very much on different spots of the spectrum in relation to certain issues, lol. Most likely, I'm creating fear about something that most likely won't even happen. I tend to do that, lol. However, I'm more aware of it now so can stop it before it gets to be too much.
I do feel more centered. I truly think that the combination of being sober and having my life come together in a way that it's more stable helps a lot. It feels great knowing I am free to truly focus on my recovery, both in relation to sobriety and life in general without the constant fear of "What am I going to do next".
Anyway, off to eat some grilled burgers and see some very special, amazing children. They take after their aunt, obviously
I do feel more centered. I truly think that the combination of being sober and having my life come together in a way that it's more stable helps a lot. It feels great knowing I am free to truly focus on my recovery, both in relation to sobriety and life in general without the constant fear of "What am I going to do next".
Anyway, off to eat some grilled burgers and see some very special, amazing children. They take after their aunt, obviously
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Lunch was amazing and the visits were great. My brother, SIL, and niece also came. We had a wonderful discussion about our lives, memories, etc. As usual, my fears were unfounded.
The girls are gone tonight. I'm relaxing at home in front of a fan, lol. I took my turtle, Voldetort, outside for a while. She has one area of the yard she adores. It has the perfect leaf pile for her. She digs and digs for about an hour and then is ready to come inside. I feel peaceful today.
the AV did speak up. "Kids gone, a little bit of money, chilling outside, let's have a beer" Again, I had the "Eh, not worth it" thought. I'm building up these incredible memories, these peaceful times. I don't want to blur them.
There is still fear. I hear that voice "You're going to get stupid one night, drink, and then drive. You're going to lose everything" I get that sense of panic but follow it with my plan: "Face to face, SR, urge surfing, writing, etc"
I won't lie, there are tests coming towards me. I have to keep reminding myself I already have the answers. I have the plan. It's up to me to use them.
The girls are gone tonight. I'm relaxing at home in front of a fan, lol. I took my turtle, Voldetort, outside for a while. She has one area of the yard she adores. It has the perfect leaf pile for her. She digs and digs for about an hour and then is ready to come inside. I feel peaceful today.
the AV did speak up. "Kids gone, a little bit of money, chilling outside, let's have a beer" Again, I had the "Eh, not worth it" thought. I'm building up these incredible memories, these peaceful times. I don't want to blur them.
There is still fear. I hear that voice "You're going to get stupid one night, drink, and then drive. You're going to lose everything" I get that sense of panic but follow it with my plan: "Face to face, SR, urge surfing, writing, etc"
I won't lie, there are tests coming towards me. I have to keep reminding myself I already have the answers. I have the plan. It's up to me to use them.
Last edited by TennantSmith; 06-07-2015 at 07:13 PM. Reason: I hit enter too soon
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Brianna called; she's in Nashville with her best friend for a few days. I didn't want her to go since she's been sick, but I also realize she's 18 and needs these experiences. She's missed out on so much being sick, it's time for her to learn to manage her disease while living life.
Anyway, the doctor called her and said that a lot of the kids in their specialty clinic are having bad flare ups right now due to the extra high allergen counts in the air. They are calling her back this afternoon to discuss changes in medication or if a feeding tube is going to be reinserted.
Brianna told me she has slept 2 hours since yesterday at 7 a.m. since they decided to drive straight through (ugh, youth! LOL), they mainly eat fast food (double ugh!), and her pain is high but she took extra medicine (I will not resort to crazy mommy mode here). They booked a hotel and are now sleeping for a few hours before heading back out tonight.
This is out of my control. She'll be 19 in a few weeks. She wants these experiences. But as a mom who has dealt with her disease for a very long time, I know she's setting up the perfect storm for a long inpatient stay and a lot more medical interventions. But as her medical team said once she hit 16: she knows her body well enough to know if she's willing to suffer the consequences.
I also worry about the financial side of this. Brianna loses her secondary insurance next month. Her primary insurance does not cover all of her medicine/feeding tube supplies. The feeding tube supplies/formula/pump rental can easily go to $3000 a month. That's not covering co-pays for medicine, inpatient stay, x-ray, etc. We are looking into a specialized state insurance for those over 18 who have chronic diseases. She may qualify for a special type of disability (no monetary payments, just insurance) but since she's an adult, she has to do it. She always seems to forget. UGH!
18 is truly an interesting year. They're grown but still a bit childlike.
Anyway, today is still good but I really wish I wasnt trying to do all of this alone. Her dad completely ignores it all and leaves it up to me. I work all this week starting tomorrow and really don't want to be distracted thinking about all of this.
Maybe it's selfish of me, but I'd just love one job where I wasn't also taking care of sick kids alone. I guess that is too much to ask. So as usual, I balance everything alone and hope for the best . . . .
Anyway, the doctor called her and said that a lot of the kids in their specialty clinic are having bad flare ups right now due to the extra high allergen counts in the air. They are calling her back this afternoon to discuss changes in medication or if a feeding tube is going to be reinserted.
Brianna told me she has slept 2 hours since yesterday at 7 a.m. since they decided to drive straight through (ugh, youth! LOL), they mainly eat fast food (double ugh!), and her pain is high but she took extra medicine (I will not resort to crazy mommy mode here). They booked a hotel and are now sleeping for a few hours before heading back out tonight.
This is out of my control. She'll be 19 in a few weeks. She wants these experiences. But as a mom who has dealt with her disease for a very long time, I know she's setting up the perfect storm for a long inpatient stay and a lot more medical interventions. But as her medical team said once she hit 16: she knows her body well enough to know if she's willing to suffer the consequences.
I also worry about the financial side of this. Brianna loses her secondary insurance next month. Her primary insurance does not cover all of her medicine/feeding tube supplies. The feeding tube supplies/formula/pump rental can easily go to $3000 a month. That's not covering co-pays for medicine, inpatient stay, x-ray, etc. We are looking into a specialized state insurance for those over 18 who have chronic diseases. She may qualify for a special type of disability (no monetary payments, just insurance) but since she's an adult, she has to do it. She always seems to forget. UGH!
18 is truly an interesting year. They're grown but still a bit childlike.
Anyway, today is still good but I really wish I wasnt trying to do all of this alone. Her dad completely ignores it all and leaves it up to me. I work all this week starting tomorrow and really don't want to be distracted thinking about all of this.
Maybe it's selfish of me, but I'd just love one job where I wasn't also taking care of sick kids alone. I guess that is too much to ask. So as usual, I balance everything alone and hope for the best . . . .
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Last night, it was just me and the twins. We made a nice dinner and then company showed up. Kristin was putting highlights in a friends hair; the friends mom also showed up. We had such a fun visit. At one point, I realized I was laughing, really laughing. I felt such peace. It was a moment I wanted to hold onto so much.
Being sober is such a gift we give ourselves. At one point, my friend mentioned that others have spoken ill of me. The whispers of who I used to be. USED to be . . . not who I am now. Yes, at one point, I was in the bar all of the time. Yes, at one point, I was the one who never wanted the night to end. At one point, I was the one barely quitting shots before I had to sleep for two hours and get to work. Or leaving with the wrong person. Or saying something stupid. Or doing something stupid.
That's who I was . . . when drunk. That's not who I am now or ever again. It doesn't bother me as much now when people whisper. They are living in my past. I am not.
I'm sober. It's not the easiest thing I have ever done but it's also not the hardest, in theory. It's helped for me to take the advice given here and slow down. One day at a time. One moment. One thing. That applies to when I am doing an activity, sober. I need to stop and enjoy the moment. Enjoy the memories.
Life is going to be okay. Even if bad things happen, I'm sober. I can't ask for more.
Being sober is such a gift we give ourselves. At one point, my friend mentioned that others have spoken ill of me. The whispers of who I used to be. USED to be . . . not who I am now. Yes, at one point, I was in the bar all of the time. Yes, at one point, I was the one who never wanted the night to end. At one point, I was the one barely quitting shots before I had to sleep for two hours and get to work. Or leaving with the wrong person. Or saying something stupid. Or doing something stupid.
That's who I was . . . when drunk. That's not who I am now or ever again. It doesn't bother me as much now when people whisper. They are living in my past. I am not.
I'm sober. It's not the easiest thing I have ever done but it's also not the hardest, in theory. It's helped for me to take the advice given here and slow down. One day at a time. One moment. One thing. That applies to when I am doing an activity, sober. I need to stop and enjoy the moment. Enjoy the memories.
Life is going to be okay. Even if bad things happen, I'm sober. I can't ask for more.
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Michelle,
Thank you for this post.
I've read this part over and over.
So true.
Thank you for this post.
I've read this part over and over.
So true.
Originally Posted by TennantSmith 
.....................I'm sober. It's not the easiest thing I have ever done but it's also not the hardest, in theory. It's helped for me to take the advice given here and slow down. One day at a time. One moment. One thing. That applies to when I am doing an activity, sober. I need to stop and enjoy the moment. Enjoy the memories.
Life is going to be okay. Even if bad things happen, I'm sober. I can't ask for more.
Life is going to be okay. Even if bad things happen, I'm sober. I can't ask for more.
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Originally Posted by lunar
Michelle,
Thank you for this post.
I've read this part over and over.
So true.
Thank you for this post.
I've read this part over and over.
So true.
I think I'm going to go to the women's meeting tomorrow night after work. Check it out and see if it can be added as another support in my little journey.
I'm exhausted right now. Every day seems completely full of activity and getting things done. However, it beats days wasted getting over a hangover.
Today, the girls are gone visiting their dad. I'm going to the gym, getting my application for state licensing (requirements for job as a social worker) completed and assembling a grill. Then i'm going to prep some lunches for the week and relax. The girls and I are leaving for a mini vacation next weekend and I'm excited for that.
Life is good right now. There is still fear but I'm working through it. I have everything I ever wanted or worked for right now. As good as it is, there is always that little bit of fear that it could all go away. However, I know the biggest thing is that if I stay sober and keep moving forward, life will continue to be good.
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