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Michelle's accountability thread

Old 05-20-2015, 12:06 PM
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Well, some good news: I got a job. I will be a Family Case Manager for a small non-profit in Kansas. I will be managing the cases of families who have had their children removed. I'm excited for the opportunity. I also realized that I wasn't nervous during the interview because the position is such a perfect fit.

Bad news: I am sick. I was feeling sick Monday evening but hoped it'd end before my interview. It didn't, but I went anyway. The supervisor was very understanding and I think impressed that I showed up, even when under the weather.

I also realized that there is an AA women's meeting that meets once a week on my drive home from work. I'm going to start going to that. I always loved the women's meetings and think they are beneficial.

Happy Wednesday. I'm going to go bury my head under some pillows now. HA
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Old 05-20-2015, 12:09 PM
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Congrats on the job! I'm starting a new one myself on Monday.
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Old 05-20-2015, 12:11 PM
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Casey, congratulations to you as well
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Old 05-20-2015, 12:15 PM
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Congratulations on your new job.
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Old 05-20-2015, 01:58 PM
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Congratulations Michelle. Hope you feel better asap
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Old 05-24-2015, 08:13 AM
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It's been an interesting week, lol. Things are going to be nice and calm this week. My plan is to get some housework done to be prepared for being gone more often now, spend some quality time with the girls, and of course, my sobriety.

I will admit, one thing I am the most excited about is being able to go to the Women's Meeting. I am seeing how beneficial it will be to be a part of a group of women who understand where I've been and where I want to be. I think that having my counselor, face to face support, and SR, I'm laying down a pretty good foundation to build my recovery upon.

Also, since the show, it's become more apparent who is "IN" my life and who wants an in. No matter what ever happens in my life, when the smoke clears, it's always the same core group of people standing there. The best part is: those who are the closest to me are also the friends who don't drink. (Imagine that ). So knowing that my innermost social circle are people who are sober is another brick in the path.

My daughter now has what I had. We are going to relax all day and watch Star Wars movie. It gives me great pride to have raised daughters with such good taste :p
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Old 05-27-2015, 06:18 AM
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Happy Wednesday. I'm coming up on 2 weeks sober. Finally, ha.

Things are still in a holding pattern here. It should all start moving along any day now. I admit, it's been a bit frustrating, being in a position where life looks exactly the same but knowing it's all about to change A LOT.

I've never handled big changes well. I always have an adjustment period. But I know these changes are for the best. Also, knowing those changes are happening pushes me even more to continue to make positive changes in my own life. I'm ready to start utilizing some of my outside resources for my recovery.

My daughters and I are doing a 10K in October. I saw a half marathon advertised on Facebook. I decided "Why not? I have 5 months to train!" So I guess I'm doing that as well. Running is truly becoming a big part of my recovery plan. To get out there, push myself, feel the endorphins, to feel my body work, it's an amazing feeling.

I tentatively start the job on Monday. We'll set my actual start working date once I have my car purchased. Things have been moving a bit slower than I expected in that area, but it's getting much closer. It'll be nice to have a car again.

Have a great day all.
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Old 05-27-2015, 06:57 AM
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Congrats on your 2 weeks! And the car and the new job! Wow. I envy you... I used to be a runner back in the day and it was an excellent stress reliever. I can't run anymore due to my knees. Walking just is not the same. Good luck with everything.
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Old 05-29-2015, 11:20 AM
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Friday . . . finally. This week has been exhausting. I start orientation for my new job Monday. I have had physicals, online tests, paperwork, and phone calls. I know it's all for the good, so I keep trucking. My brain, though, is quite exhausted, lol. Thank goodness for a quiet, relaxing weekend.

The girls and I have decided to take a mini weekend vacation in a couple of weeks. Since they are teenagers, they nixed the idea of amusement parks or water parks. So we are going to a small, nearby town that has incredible vintage and antique stores. They really are growing up . . .

AV has been quite loud this week. I continue to focus on my current and future plans and staying busy, focusing on my new present life and what that brings me in the future.

I do have times where recovery is exhausting as well. I find myself shying away from recovery talk, and all that goes with it. I'm sure it'll pass and I continue to work my plan. Maybe I'm just exhausted overall. I've been handed some massive life changes over the past two weeks. Currently, I'm in a very awkward holding pattern: waiting for the money to get here, waiting to buy the car, waiting to start the job. It doesn't feel real yet. I'm still in a bit of shock, actually.

Anyway, still here. Still sober. Still going.

Happy Friday
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Old 05-29-2015, 05:58 PM
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Happy Friday, TS!!! Wishing you a relaxing weekend with your girls <3
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Old 05-30-2015, 12:02 PM
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Thank you, Dharma. It has been nice. One of the twins and I watched some incredibly good chick flicks, lol. Now that all three are home, we're going to watch some classics: Pretty in Pink, Say Anything, and Urban Legends. Lots of yummy snacks and spaghetti. I may even convince them to do some face masks later.

My girls were telling me this morning "Mom, you need to start going out more" I thought they meant "OUT" so told them I'm fine. What they meant was having lunch with friends, coffee dates, the gym, etc. They recognize it's time for me to start taking care of myself some, taking time for me. That seems to be a benefit of raising independent daughters: they recognize the need of others to do things for themselves while realizing that they'll be okay, too.

Anyway, off to watch some movies and try not to stress about what hasn't happened yet. I cannot control when the check gets here. It's coming and I just need to be patient. Man, that is easier said than done, though.
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Old 05-30-2015, 12:14 PM
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That seems wrong to me - that the money wasn't given to you that day.
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Old 05-30-2015, 08:29 PM
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Glad to hear that you are doing so well, Michelle. Tell that AV to shut up. Congratulations on your job. It sounds like it will be rewarding. I hope you have an msw in your future plan, although there is no hurry . I am a social worker also and would discuss it on a pm if you want . I've been at it for a while and have learned a thing or two. You just keep sober and I guarantee that good things will happen. Congratulations on 2 weeks. You are doing great!
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Old 05-30-2015, 09:22 PM
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Originally Posted by biminiblue View Post
That seems wrong to me - that the money wasn't given to you that day.
It was a bit surprising as well. I had to do some paperwork and then it went through their lawyers. The gentleman who gifted it is looking into why it's not here yet.

Happy, I am definitely getting my MSW. I have three graduate schools I'm applying to in October to begin next year. My work is very encouraging of it and will adjust my schedule around classes. But yes, I'm far from done.

And it's been a wonderful weekend with my girls. I'm hoping Monday brings some forward movement with certain things so I can begin this new chapter. And I won't lie, I'm very excited to be able to attend the women's meeting. I think it'll be helpful to have other women who understand certain aspects of my life that others may not. And you cannot have too much support.

Tomorrow bring lawn work (finally!) and a nice run. If all goes well, Ill be tying up loose ends this week so I can jump in and start this new chapter.

Now I'm enjoying a quiet house, a piece of homemade cake and watching Dirty Dancing.
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Old 05-31-2015, 06:48 AM
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I woke up this morning and checked my Facebook. One of the first posts was someone warning people about all of the DWI checkpoints last night. I flashed back to times of worrying about that. Was the other person driving sober enough? Was I sober enough? Should I call a cab? Can I make it home okay? I felt such a sense of relief knowing that those concerns are gone now.

So many concerns are gone with sobriety. Money spent that shouldn't have been. Checking FB, texts, call logs to make sure I didn't make an ass of myself. Going back and making excuses to get out of drunken promises. The feelings of shame from my behavior. Feeling disappointed in myself because I got drunk. The sadness and anxiety are lessened.

My weekend consisted of movies, chats with friends, going to the park with the dog for a vet event, laughter, pizza, and cake. It was a normal weekend.

My recovery has been far from perfect for anyone who has read this thread or other threads on here. But each day, I get stronger in my resolve and my desire to be sober over using alcohol to create a feeling or to erase other feelings.

I've had a desire for a few years now to find my authentic self. I've realized lately, I don't have to search for it so much. Who I really am has a way of showing up in my sobriety. Being drunk hid who I was, which caused such intense searching. Being sober allows that inner voice that is truly me to have a louder voice. It allows me to hear the desires of my heart more clearly. There's a peace with sobriety. A quiet peace.

My life isn't perfect right now. It never will be. There are still sick kids, bills, big tests to take, a bathroom tub that clogs too much, yards to be mowed, and children to be present for. Alcohol jumbled too many things together, there were too many balls to be juggled. Being sober allows me to focus, to stop and think before acting, to be present.

I'm glad I don't have to concern myself with DWI checkpoints anymore. I'm grateful for a lot of things, really. I felt like today was a good day to recognize that.
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Old 05-31-2015, 04:39 PM
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My morning started off so well. Then around 11:00 am, my youngest comes home early, complaining of difficulty breathing. I checked her out and she began wheezing pretty badly. I called the EMT's and her stats were good, so we could drive her to the ER. She had some inflammation leftover from her cold last week. A good breathing treatment and some steroids and she's good to go.

The issue is her father: I called my ex-husband and he was annoyed that I called. His complaint "I'm sick too!" Didn't show any concern, didn't call to check up on her, nothing. After all, he's sick. But now, he's out with his girlfriend. I'm angry because he keeps hurting the girls and I cannot do anything to stop him. They love him. They get angry with him. I just continue to be there and love them.

I have to let go of my expectations of him. I divorced him for how he treated me. I never thought he'd treat our daughters that way. I was wrong. I wasn't upset he didn't come to the ER. There was no need. It was handled. I'm angry that he didn't show a single bit of concern. But he's well enough to go out with his girlfriend. He always chooses them over the girls. ALWAYS. 4 "serious' relationships in a year and a half. 4. But he'll always choose them over his daughters.

So I vented to a friend. I took a walk. Took some deep breaths. I cannot control this. I cannot fix it. I can only continue to be a good parent, a present parent. He'll reap what he's sowing one day. He already admitted, after the divorce, he knew he blew it with me. I guess he hasn't learned his lesson. He knows no matter what he does, right now, they love him. They want his love so badly. So he loses nothing. YET.

Anyway, they're my monkeys, but not my circus. I think the girls and I may take off for a weekend in a couple of weeks. Get away, relax, do some antique/vintage store shopping. Try new foods. Maybe get a pedicure. Just breathe finally after a very long, very stressful, very painful 2 years.

good lord, thank God for sobriety right now. If I was drunk, I can guarantee things wouldn't be so calm right now.

Last edited by TennantSmith; 05-31-2015 at 04:40 PM. Reason: typo
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Old 05-31-2015, 04:42 PM
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Looks like you are doing good under some rough situations. Rooting for you.
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Old 05-31-2015, 04:45 PM
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Thanks. I'll admit, it took a bit to calm down the anger, lol. But I didn't drink. I didn't scream. I didn't do any of the previous behaviors. I dealt with it and saw it clearly. Knowing my past behavior, that's huge, ha.

tomorrow is a new day.
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Old 06-03-2015, 06:09 PM
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Hooray for the new job, Michelle !
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Old 06-03-2015, 06:17 PM
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Happy to see you doing well Michelle, I enjoy reading about your journey.
Congratulations on a new job!
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