I drank yesterday
Join Date: Aug 2011
Location: "I'm not lost for I know where I am. But however, where I am may be lost ..."
Posts: 5,273
Hey there,
As you know I'm a fan of your posts. You have a lot of wisdom. You did not "lose" 10 months. You need to redefine your intent and look within. You can do this.
I'm assuming from your name, that Buddhist principles are important to you. How is your practice?
I'm sorry for the turbulent times you are experiencing right now, but I believe in your ability to do this. I believe in your ability to make the changes that will release you from this suffering.
As you know I'm a fan of your posts. You have a lot of wisdom. You did not "lose" 10 months. You need to redefine your intent and look within. You can do this.
I'm assuming from your name, that Buddhist principles are important to you. How is your practice?
I'm sorry for the turbulent times you are experiencing right now, but I believe in your ability to do this. I believe in your ability to make the changes that will release you from this suffering.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2014
Posts: 1,182
Anattaboy, I don't know if I ever told you this, but you are the reason I'm here. I was on the fence about whether i "truly" was an alcoholic, when I read a post of yours in a thread about moderation. You sagely noted that those without problems with alcohol don't think about moderation. It hit me in just the right place at just the right moment. I'm truly grateful to you for sharing your wisdom and your journey.
...holds the key
Join Date: Dec 2014
Location: Texas
Posts: 7,065
Anattaboy.....I just want to offer you my support as you've supported me in the past and you're one of the people in this community that I respect and when you speak, I listen.
You're post hit home in a big way because I've been struggling to stay sober the past few days after some really crappy health news and the one thing I keep telling myself is that if I drink it's not a relapse or a slip or whatever else you want to call it, it's a premeditated decision that I will make...so yeah, I totally get you having it in your head to drink and doing it even though you know it's wrong (for you). I'm really glad to hear you say that you don't want to drink today and I hope for your sake that you get your plan revised and can get back into the right mindset.
Check in when you can and let us know how you are.
You're post hit home in a big way because I've been struggling to stay sober the past few days after some really crappy health news and the one thing I keep telling myself is that if I drink it's not a relapse or a slip or whatever else you want to call it, it's a premeditated decision that I will make...so yeah, I totally get you having it in your head to drink and doing it even though you know it's wrong (for you). I'm really glad to hear you say that you don't want to drink today and I hope for your sake that you get your plan revised and can get back into the right mindset.
Check in when you can and let us know how you are.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2014
Location: Gulf Coast, USA
Posts: 2,229
Attaboy, glad you're back and posting. When I had my last relapse I felt the same way... "Knew I was wrong doing it but also knew i was gonna do it". Somehow I just knew I was going to drink that day, I couldn't turn it off.
Sounds like you have a pretty good self-evaluation going on right now.
You have the tools to get that 10 months back... and then some. Your plan just needs to be tweaked.
Don't let your slip turn into a 30+ day binder like I did last time. Great job on coming back to SR.
Stay strong!
Sounds like you have a pretty good self-evaluation going on right now.
You have the tools to get that 10 months back... and then some. Your plan just needs to be tweaked.
Don't let your slip turn into a 30+ day binder like I did last time. Great job on coming back to SR.
Stay strong!
Adventures In SpaceTime
Join Date: Jun 2008
Location: Ottawa, Canada
Posts: 5,827
Anattaboy, sorry to hear about the return to drinking, even if only for a day. I remember when it was happening to me. It really messed me up.
It looks like you've mentioned a few times being frustrated and angry, and it messing with how you are with others, and with yourself. Same here. My feelings really needed an overhaul for me to keep sober. Man, this was tough for me. I've always had such difficulty sorting my feelings. I eventually gave up on sorting them out, and simply learned to accept what was happening in real time moments, rather then extrapolating my feelings into unknown and unproven future scenarios. I learned to limit my responses as best I could about anger and shame, and so on.
Doesn't mean I didn't have explosions of expression anymore. Just means I wasn't going to play the "I'm clueless" card anymore. Taking responsibility for my needing to learn better ways made all the difference in my being able to stay sober no matter how difficult my internalized feelings became. I learned being confused was more a mental thing and not a feeling thing, if you know what I mean. This too made a huge difference in my being able to stay sober.
So yeah. I totally agree you're own the right path when you're knowing you need to review your thresholds. Awesome.
It looks like you've mentioned a few times being frustrated and angry, and it messing with how you are with others, and with yourself. Same here. My feelings really needed an overhaul for me to keep sober. Man, this was tough for me. I've always had such difficulty sorting my feelings. I eventually gave up on sorting them out, and simply learned to accept what was happening in real time moments, rather then extrapolating my feelings into unknown and unproven future scenarios. I learned to limit my responses as best I could about anger and shame, and so on.
Doesn't mean I didn't have explosions of expression anymore. Just means I wasn't going to play the "I'm clueless" card anymore. Taking responsibility for my needing to learn better ways made all the difference in my being able to stay sober no matter how difficult my internalized feelings became. I learned being confused was more a mental thing and not a feeling thing, if you know what I mean. This too made a huge difference in my being able to stay sober.
So yeah. I totally agree you're own the right path when you're knowing you need to review your thresholds. Awesome.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2014
Location: East Coast USA
Posts: 119,984
So sorry to read that you drank, Attaboy, but very relieved that you came right back.
As others have said, you haven't lost those ten months; they were hard earned and immeasurably worthwhile. Keep that wonderful accomplishment solidly in your mind and in your sobriety toolbox.
Emotions, thoughts and feelings can be strong behavioral catalysts; learning to recognize the onset of the emotions and thoughts, and adopting healthy responses, can be so important. I agree with the others that addressing that process could be enlightening and powerful.
Glad that you are back, Attaboy.
As others have said, you haven't lost those ten months; they were hard earned and immeasurably worthwhile. Keep that wonderful accomplishment solidly in your mind and in your sobriety toolbox.
Emotions, thoughts and feelings can be strong behavioral catalysts; learning to recognize the onset of the emotions and thoughts, and adopting healthy responses, can be so important. I agree with the others that addressing that process could be enlightening and powerful.
Glad that you are back, Attaboy.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2013
Posts: 1,778
Don't beat yourself up or let this slip turn into a relapse. Anger is my biggest trigger and alcohol always soothed it. Temporarily. It takes time to figure out how to deal with it in a healthy way. You can do this! Keep meditating. Sending much love your way. xo
The most difficult times for many of us are the ones we give ourselves.
― Pema Chödrön
The most difficult times for many of us are the ones we give ourselves.
― Pema Chödrön
Court jester
Join Date: Mar 2015
Location: South Florida
Posts: 508
There are no accidents in our lives. Nothing happens, good or bad, our choice or out of our control, that was not supposed to happen. The evidence is that it DID happen. The "whys" don't matter. I don't know why you drank after 10 months no more than I know why I drank after 23 years. But we did, and I believe for good reason even though I may not see the reason right now.
I simply believe I was put here on this earth to accomplish something. I also believe that every experience I have moves me closer to that something. Don't label experiences as "bad" or "good". Simply label all of them as a step towards your higher purpose; good and bad both equally important and necessary.
I simply believe I was put here on this earth to accomplish something. I also believe that every experience I have moves me closer to that something. Don't label experiences as "bad" or "good". Simply label all of them as a step towards your higher purpose; good and bad both equally important and necessary.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2014
Location: Somewhere in California
Posts: 1,136
Don't lose sight of the 10 months of sobriety you had. It may be easy to focus on the recent "Day 1" and forget all of the sober time you amassed. As someone else said, use that as a sobriety tool. You earned it.
Don't let things get worse than the one day slip up. No "well, I might as well have another drink or three- won't make any difference."
Don't let things get worse than the one day slip up. No "well, I might as well have another drink or three- won't make any difference."
Member
Join Date: Dec 2012
Location: Melbourne, Victoria Australia
Posts: 1,202
Hi Anattaboy,
I can very much relate to your situation (including the anger!). I've oftentimes come back to SR and /or AA saying upfront that I've lapsed or relapsed. It's damn hard to do. Indeed, I'm in a too-long relapse period now, and waiting for medical treatment. I've actually - miserably - started to lose count of my slips, which ALWAYS eventually ended up in full-blown return to daily heavy drinking. Sometimes, after several weeks, or months....or days. Hideous.
Well done, you, for getting to 10 months. The most I've ever managed was last year's 7 months, and 2012's 6 months (as in continuous sobriety stretches). I'm now not far at all off 60 y.o. and have several other chronic, progressive ailments as well as alcohol dependency (medically speaking). Needless to say, my poor old bod's (and brain's) time is running out faster than it should be.
I'm with you on this, and congratulations for letting us crew know that you've suffered. Personally, I don't see it as some kind of character - let alone quasi-moral - failing to have picked up again. [Ducking, pulling up the ramparts.....!] And we tend to take that on within ourselves; before very long, that dissonance is intolerable, and the **** It factor erupts.
It is at base, a physiological disorder or maladaption at best, of the brain....our poor brains. They take a frigging long time to re-adjust when we need them too. That's just my take, based on my knowledge and usually bitter experience. [Ramparts now closed :-)]
Best to you,
Vic
I can very much relate to your situation (including the anger!). I've oftentimes come back to SR and /or AA saying upfront that I've lapsed or relapsed. It's damn hard to do. Indeed, I'm in a too-long relapse period now, and waiting for medical treatment. I've actually - miserably - started to lose count of my slips, which ALWAYS eventually ended up in full-blown return to daily heavy drinking. Sometimes, after several weeks, or months....or days. Hideous.
Well done, you, for getting to 10 months. The most I've ever managed was last year's 7 months, and 2012's 6 months (as in continuous sobriety stretches). I'm now not far at all off 60 y.o. and have several other chronic, progressive ailments as well as alcohol dependency (medically speaking). Needless to say, my poor old bod's (and brain's) time is running out faster than it should be.
I'm with you on this, and congratulations for letting us crew know that you've suffered. Personally, I don't see it as some kind of character - let alone quasi-moral - failing to have picked up again. [Ducking, pulling up the ramparts.....!] And we tend to take that on within ourselves; before very long, that dissonance is intolerable, and the **** It factor erupts.
It is at base, a physiological disorder or maladaption at best, of the brain....our poor brains. They take a frigging long time to re-adjust when we need them too. That's just my take, based on my knowledge and usually bitter experience. [Ramparts now closed :-)]
Best to you,
Vic
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2014
Location: Washington, MO
Posts: 2,306
I am fortunate to have gotten caught by my 11 yr. old. Prior to picking her up at school I had just mixed a half pint in a 32oz styro cup but apparently left it on the floor of the van for the short jaunt from store to school where enough dribbled out from it's rolling around to cause an odor. She went looking after we got home and found the empty half-pint bottle. The girls called their grandmother, had her pick them up, called the wife at work and I was alone in my home and in deep doo-doo before I could finish my second drink. Of course I passed out till the double-shift-working wife got home and we argued for a bit and I passed out again. I'm grateful for how all that went down (other than the harsh words I had for all of my family) as it has been worse in the past. I had pretty much resigned after getting caught and slept. I remember looking for money before that for another run but it was over then really. I'm glad. Have no desire to drink and oddly don't vape too much anymore--something I was wanting to quit too--been reducing for awhile. Also grateful for my ego-smashing higher power (my wife) for her keen assessments. Wasn't the right way to go about change with all the drama but it has woked me up a bit.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2015
Posts: 1,228
Attaboy,
Wow, your girls are really smart! It is impressive that they knew how to handle your relapse so responsibly - and wisely. My 12-year-old son (and husband) can tell I have been drinking within a second, even if I think I am behaving normally and speaking normally. I now understand that even if I sneak, they will know. I can't hide it and I will always be caught. The worst thing that could happen would be if they stopped trusting me and knew I was secretly drinking again. Every moment they would doubt me, even if I wasn't drinking.
Oh, and if it makes you feel better, I broke a toilet while I slipped last week. By broke, I mean I shattered it. Yep...still trying to get over that one. (Husband replaced it the next day).
Make sure to tell your girls how proud of them you are for acting mature and asserting their boundaries. It sounds like you and your wife are doing a pretty good job as parents, too.
Wow, your girls are really smart! It is impressive that they knew how to handle your relapse so responsibly - and wisely. My 12-year-old son (and husband) can tell I have been drinking within a second, even if I think I am behaving normally and speaking normally. I now understand that even if I sneak, they will know. I can't hide it and I will always be caught. The worst thing that could happen would be if they stopped trusting me and knew I was secretly drinking again. Every moment they would doubt me, even if I wasn't drinking.
Oh, and if it makes you feel better, I broke a toilet while I slipped last week. By broke, I mean I shattered it. Yep...still trying to get over that one. (Husband replaced it the next day).
Make sure to tell your girls how proud of them you are for acting mature and asserting their boundaries. It sounds like you and your wife are doing a pretty good job as parents, too.
Curious Catfish
Join Date: Apr 2015
Location: London
Posts: 10
I literally just joined because I've stalked you on and off for ages, Attaboy (well, read your posts. I'm not a stalker. :-) ) My mistake when relapsing after ten months (and then six, and then three, and then four, and then two) was that I always felt the sobriety counter had to be started again. Like somehow I had to start again counting from one day. It sent me so crazy that every time I spiralled back, first with a drink every few days, then every other day, then before I knew it I was back on every day. Every time.
It's only recently that I realised how silly that was of me. If I'd had that one relapse after ten months but then got right back on the wagon, it would have been one unfortunate blip in an otherwise amazingly strong and fabulous run of sobriety.
So I guess what I'm saying is don't beat yourself up. This absolutely doesn't mean that you've failed unless you DECIDE that's what it means. You are ten months sober with one little trip-up. In a matter of weeks you'll be a year sober. Go you! You're doing amazingly. :-)
It's only recently that I realised how silly that was of me. If I'd had that one relapse after ten months but then got right back on the wagon, it would have been one unfortunate blip in an otherwise amazingly strong and fabulous run of sobriety.
So I guess what I'm saying is don't beat yourself up. This absolutely doesn't mean that you've failed unless you DECIDE that's what it means. You are ten months sober with one little trip-up. In a matter of weeks you'll be a year sober. Go you! You're doing amazingly. :-)
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