Why can't i quit?
 

I'm going to try not to whine here. I've gone to numerous AA meetings over the past 2 weeks, I'm reading the BB and I'm reading posts and blogs on SR, but I still can't stay away from alcohol. When I get upset, stressed or too emotional I inevitably turn to a bottle. I was actually clean for 8 full days. I was so happy and positive during that time. But then I fell back and ever since its been an every other day thing.

What's wrong with me? Why do I do this to myself. Inevitably after drinking I feel the shame, weakness, disgust with myself. Honestly I simply wish I could die. I am so afraid that this is what my life will be like for now on. I just don't see a light at the end of the tunnel.

I've emailed an addiction therapist. I pray that this will help.

Anyway, I know what I should do when the stress/cravings start; exercise, walk, watch a movie, sleep, etc. I don't know why I don't do these things. I guess I'm just wanting the alcohol too badly. how stupid is that?

Anyway, I pray that I will be able to kick this junk. I'm sick to death of this kind of life.

Here is help with a plan it took me 3 months of trying from the day i said i was alcoholic its hard dont beat yourself up but think of ways to improve your sobriety plan seeing a addiction councellor is a good call i commend you for that

I promise you sobriety is all gain you will learn to love & protect it

http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...at-we-did.html

http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...-recovery.html

It seems like you're on the right track in that you're asking why you didn't do those things. What was going through your mind when you decided to drink and what emotions were you experiencing? Identifying these thoughts and emotions can be helpful in giving you a heads up that you need to be proactive in doing things that protect your sobriety.

One of the things that can be helpful is posting on SR when you're at your wits end as to what to do when having cravings. You'll get lots of answers and support.

Keep hanging in there labgirl! :hug:

Thank you SW. I will use these links for support. I appreciate your taking the time to response to my cry for help.

Thank you Strategery. I believe you are right about identifying the emotions that are within when I get these cravings. I honestly am very afraid to look at these too closely and likely this is a significant stumbling block for me based on what I've read. I'm hoping the therapist will be able to help me come to terms with feelings and my desire to drown them rather than examine them.

Thank you again for your post.

I hope the therapist is able to help you with these emotions. I'm rooting for you. :hug:

Hi labgirl :)

I think we go with what we know...when all I knew was to drink, thats all I did.
Then I learnt a few new, better ways to deal with the myriad of things I drank over.

start thinking about the things that lead you to decide to drink - think about upset, stress or getting too emotional now, when you're none of those things.

start making strategies now so the next time you've have some other tools to use :)

There's a really good link inside this thread - give it a read :)

http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...very-plan.html

D

I think this was an excellent thing to do. I also had numerous attempts at quitting and would relapse over and over again. And it wasn't uncommon for me to actually drink after an AA meeting.

Getting an alcohol counsellor was the best thing I ever did for myself.

I know exactly where you are because I was there too. I joined here in 2010. I wanted the benefits of sobriety while I continued to drink. I didn't want hangovers anymore and I certainly wanted the blackouts to stop. But, I still wanted to drink. I was hoping to cut back.

If I could talk to my 2010 self I'm really not sure what I would say. I was so addicted to drinking lots of alcohol every night I'm not sure if anyone or anything could have or would have made me rethink and put in the work to stop.

I will tell you that I wish I had stopped in 2010. It would have helped my health, that's for sure. Alcohol does damage your health and it took me four more years of drinking to figure that out.

You have to want sobriety more than you want to drink. I was at 45% wanting it and 55% wanting to drink for years. I knew I should stop and part of me really wanted to stop. But I didn't want it badly enough. I thought I could find a way to stop the negatives (hangovers and blackouts) but still fit alcohol into a corner of my life.

When and why did I stop? I could not take the hangovers anymore. But everyone says that, right? I literally COULD NOT do one more. Are you into the daily withdrawals yet? Sweating, high blood pressure, clamminess, diarrhea? If you're there then you know what I mean. Every minute of every day was a living nightmare.

Drinking became harder than not drinking. It takes a lot of freakin' drinking to get to this point. It made life easier for so long that I thought it would just continue helping me out but it turned on me.

In some ways stopping was easy. In other ways it was the hardest thing I've ever done. I've had nine months to think about it and it is kinda simple. That's nice at least. I can do whatever I want as long as I don't drink.

Think of sobriety as opening doors rather than closing them. Even driving to Target at 9:30 pm and shopping is kinda fun. You have a lot more time in the evenings to do whatever you want.

It sure is different but it is 100% worth it. It wasn't a choice anymore in the end. I had taken all I could get from alcohol.

Great post, Melinda. I worry about that 45/55 split, too.

LabGirl, I just relapsed too and feel really horrible. It is like I just want to keep trying to drink like a normal person and try one last time. When will I get it in my head that it is like drinking bleach? I should never drink again, ever. I do know that I cannot handle another Day 1. I cannot muster the strength anymore to go through another Day 1 guilt-riddled morning. I want alcohol out of my life forever. Full stop.

I just started working on a mindfulness book, "The Mindfulness Workbook for Addiction." I know my problems are due to avoidance and so far, the book is right on the money for the reasons I drink. There is even a chart with names of emotions to help learn how to identify feelings. I keep trying to find out why I drink and it is because I don't know. Does that make sense?

Hang in there, I hope you have a better day tomorrow. Hopefully we'll see you in the meeting tomorrow?

Step 1: Get a bunch of phone numbers from women in the AA meetings you are attending who have a good amount of sobriety.

Step 2: Call them. Call them when you're feeling good and having a great day. And especially call them when you are having a craving and are about to buy a bottle. Call them when you are stressed out and feeling upset. If the first woman doesn't pick up, call the next person on the list. I promise you that someone will pick up who will be more than happy to talk to you.

Call before you drink. Easier said than done, but it works.

No problemo Labgirl you are awesome

Wanting alcohol isn't stupid. Desire is an emotion and emotions are uncontrollable and often downright inconvenient. For example, I am a happily married man, but catching a glimpse of cleavage makes me want to turn my head. It's not because I'm stupid.

Drinking alcohol when you know it's bad for you - well that's just poor decision making. The good news is that poor decision making can be fixed.

My abstinence is all about allowing my decision making to override my emotional response to alcohol.

You can do this. :ring

:ring

This is an excellent example of a part of how the program works, IF we work/use it!

BE WELL

I see you have a whole list of what you should do when the cravings come except for the one that really can help, call a sober person in the program. Every option you listed relies on you, and your obviously not doing it well on your own so calling another will get you out of yourself and get you to share your problem with another.

It is hard to reach out to others for me, I still struggle everyday with making the call to someone else when I need it. But I have and do and am 2 days away from my 6 month anniversary.

Labgirl,

I agree with MF's post, and would describe my experience in this way: I think many of us start from a place of "why can't I stop" - which implies that it is simply a matter of choice whether to drink or not. It is obviously not an ordinary choice like the other choices in our lives, but there IS an element of choice. Not drinking is painful on a lot of levels - withdrawal, mood swings, cravings. Many of us can deal with those things for a limited time, with limited outside stressors. But add a brutal day at work, emotional turmoil, etc. and we capitulate. Why? Because in our mind it is less painful to drink than to deal with the stress on top of the pain of early sobriety. And the clock resets. It takes months of abstinence before things change significantly in terms of our cravings, emotional stability, clarity of thinking and judgment. The only way to get there is to go through early sobriety - this is why outside support from people who have been there and are there to help you - are so important. Because when you are truly connected to those people - which is not an easy thing for an alcoholic in early sobriety to do - that support is what gets us through the times that we otherwise would drink.

Melinda's point is so true - I had to undeniably accept that I was whipped and beaten and that it would always be that way for me with alcohol - before I would even consider doing the things it took to get sober. That day for me was about a week before Christmas 2009, and I remember that awful day like it was last week. There's a saying in AA "If you ever forget your last drink, you probably haven't had it yet."

It takes getting to the jumping off place to get sober. If on some level we believe that drinking alcohol is easier than dealing with cravings, job issues, relationships, emotions, etc. - alcohol will still seem like a viable option. When I 100% understood and accepted that alcohol was not going to solve any of my problems or make me feel better, I began to do what was necessary and my life began to improve. 64 months down the road, my life is so much more than I dared hope on that ugly Saturday afternoon. But first I had to surrender.

Labgirl, you can do this. Please stay in touch.

Thank you all so much for your encouraging words and advise! You make me feel like someone cares and believes in me. That means a lot.

Plan for today.....ask my HP for help to get through the day, go to work, read on SR during lunch, AA meeting tonight, more SR after AA. Do Not Drink. Thank my HP for a day of no drinking and for the great people who encourage me on SR and at AA.

I hope each of you have a wonderful day!

I agree with barefootjunker, and I can add my own experience with this. What you've been doing so far hasn't worked, and it's time to change things up. You need to communicate with a "safe" person (sober, trusted) and communicate how you're feeling. I struggled with this for a long time, because I didn't *want* to be talked out of drinking. It felt like once I set my mind to it (and remember, they say that relapses happen even before the drink passes your lips) there was no stopping it.

But I HAVE been able to overcome cravings when I've reached out to others. And that was very hard for me, because drinking was a very secretive and shameful activity for me. I just needed to stall the cravings, which eventually passed. Something about sharing with someone else diffused the craving. Suddenly I was immediately accountable to someone else, which at the time was far more powerful than being accountable to myself.

Anyway, big hugs labgirl. Picking up the drink is NOT stupid. For alcoholics, it's the only coping mechanism we ever learned, and is a powerful urge that is difficult to overcome with our rational selves. For many of us it takes a lot of trial and error, insight, and outside support to get this.

Something I think ya should add to the to do list-
Get phone numbers and call one of them.
Even if it's two in the morning. Call. Leave a message if no one answers.
Just call.
Then do it again tomorrow morning. Leave messages for anyone tha doesn't answer and keep calling until someone does answer.

YOU will get better and staying sober WILL get easier
If ya work for it.

It works if ya work it so work it yer worth it.

Crying, I want to stop drinking but I can't for more than a few days at a time. Sick of living this way:(