A new start, days in, still in outpatient
 

Well this weeks been a roller coaster, looked like homelessness and lots of other evil stuff on Monday. A good friend stepped in and helped me, yet again. I've had more bail outs and hands up then anyone I know. Probably a bit of a crutch, I seem to always find an answer other than helping myself. Because its repeatedly in my responses, and implied often and I've acknowledged it before. If you think I am a narcissistic, yes I am.

Now with the bail out and the results of going back to outpatient. Outpatient applauded me for the fact that I went from literally being a daily drinker to getting quite a few sustained non drinking periods under my belt.

We talked about me feeling like I should drink, CPS ( the state telling me I can't drink), what I really want to do, be sober, continuing to drink, attempting to moderate and otherwise. And most importantly the expected outcome.

What I would like the expected outcome to be is a complete cessation from drinking, I believe I've more then shown I am incapable of drinking period, without drinking in excess. I would like my daughter back, being med compliant and employment again.

I was told outpatient, inpatient whatever doesn't work unless you've decided you want to stop the undesired behavior I participate in. The counselor told me, he doesn't believe I want to stop completely. He believes, I want to drink normally, get my daughter back and go on with life. I try to be introspective, I really do give value in what he said, I disagree. I still believe I want to stop completely, but don't know how.

I was given two options, do what CPS requires, go to at least 2 group classes a week, and 1 one on one class. Or I could step it up and go to at least 4 classes a week and 1 one on one, but with the option of more classes if I volunteer. He said, given my total situation where though I repeatedly relapsed, the fact that over time I am slowly improving he think that inpatient isn't necessarily the best option because I've demonstrated the ability to go 38 days. And because of my financial situation, a job is needed soon.

I told him about my frustration with the fact that people will say things to me like " well its your daughter and nothing, and you chose to drink so I guess the bottle is more important then your daughter". I was told that if an addicts mind could prioritize and rationalize things, then nobody would be an addict. Addiction manifest itself in ways that at times are hard to understand, but that doesn't detract from caring or wanting anything. I do believe that, but he was careful to tell me that doesn't detract from my responsibilities.

Gosh so much, no now more intensive outpatient, focusing my goals. Again, I try to go forward and learn and focus on sobriety. Sobriety has been quite the obstacle for me, but I am slowly improving and making many strides just one calender year ago, I would have never been able to binge for a few days then stop, refocus and go back to being sober. Change doesn't happen over night, but then again neither did being an addict for me. Jeremy, I thank you for all your responses from today and the other day, I was so in shock after getting 38 days behind me and again messing up, that I only read the replies today because I didn't know what to do.

some ideas to think about Jeremy
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...very-plan.html

as always best wishes :)

D

You do know how, you're just not doing it.

Jeremy i say this with kindness you need inpatient outpatients hasnt worked

Please seek help as this is hard to watch you know exactly what your doing Jeremy please just go inpatient why wont you go it makes no sense at all

ive got to be honest & hopefully constructive towards my response to you

You need help now stop the train get off at inpatient and give it all you got

Best wishes brother

Soberwolf, I think recovery has been difficult for me because I don't always follow advice. I think I am the most stubborn person in the world. However, inpatient right now doesn't do me any favors, I broke. I need money or I lose everything I have, argugagly I will anyways if I go on a prolonged binge. However, my friend, things have improved over all, go back and read my post daily drinker to relapsing on an average of ever 15 days.

Haha, you know your input has always been constructive and from a loving place. I would never hold anything to you my friend, always a kind word and a good man. Love you man, you know no matter what this train stops in sober town. I get my daughter back and life goes on. You know that my wife, that women is in week 10 of recovery no relapse and 2 short week from graduation. She is my rock and taught me a lot.

Jeremy again with kindness this is litrelly the same thing over & over & over

When it gets bad and believe me it will if you let it you could lose it all

forget money Jeremy i know you will have 5 answers lined up for me and thats what i mean

Bottom line is you havnt completed inpatient or signed up for it

Do you not remember you have exhausted every way you really have

And sorry but im worried about you

you have good intentions but you could benefit so much from inpatient

Best wishes & sorry if i sound mean id rather be honest & straight up with you

At least seriously think & consider it

Good luck brother

Change your perceptions and you can change your reality.

https://bernasvibethewayiseeit.files...whatwewant.jpg

Honestly, an addict makes excuses Soberwolf, if I wanted I could throw a ton platitudes at you and all sorts of colorful speech. However, because its you my friend, thank you I am quietly contemplative.

I was the same way - I think most of us were.

Using that stubborness or inner rebel as a reason to stick to a particular way of doing things really doesn't fly tho.

I knew I had to change so I changed.

If I can, you can too Jeremy :)

D

Oh Dee, reading about your daily drinking for over 20 years is quite the inspiration, I am only 34 almost 35. I can't imagine the transition, the man you were, the man you knew you needed to become and the environment you were in.

You've been a good sources and resource of very solid advice, and lets be honest at times I am a pain in the arse and push the boundaries, most certainly whilst drinking. I know the culture where you are is most certainly more amicable to drinking then the states and you over came. Not to mention many of the personal struggles and problems that you have. I was once a disability advocate, and though I don't often respond I can say that I value your opinion so much and the things that you've said I've read probably around 75k of your responses and find them inspiring and uplifting. Truth be told, I read a ton on here, and try to graft and glean what I can from situations, I just have difficulty.

Don't we all have an inner rebel Dee, don't we all want to be the exception, be the outcast, have something to prove, doesn't that uniqueness make us, us? However, though I have my disputes with AA, they call that terminal uniqueness for a reason. It kills.

I can't disagree with anything you just said Jeremy - I hope you believe it, and I hope you can translate it into action :)

D

Oh gosh, I know what I did, and I know where I was going, I started a debate in another thread. Yes I am sober, actually I have to test tomorrow with an ECT test, the 80 hour alcohol test. I am ok, because I am beyond that point.