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old routines bringing back old depression :/

Old 04-16-2015, 04:37 PM
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old routines bringing back old depression :/

Well.. I did over eat before this. I have been having this problem the past week really past 2/3 days of just eating for the taste of it and being left off extremely full and gassy.
but thats not what this post is about.
today i didnt go to work, instead, since all the work at my temp agency was dispatched, I decided to chill at home and "get ready for my dj set" and send my record label the lyrics to the album for its booklet that is soon to come out. Early on as i'm listening to all the crazy stuff we were talking about it made me urge for weed a little. more like a lot. Soon i'm off to In & Out to eat with my partner when I had already eaten way too much sweet potato a hour before and just came off a day of over eating yesterday as well. So much that I could barely move and felt my insides churning all night.

The old routine I speak of was making beats then stopping half way to listen and then start criticizing myself. Then I start listening to my old beats and start getting down on my self more. Now i'm on my couch feeling kind of low and empty, when as of late I have been feeling better than ever. I kind of planned in my head to help teach somebody to create beats tonight (been telling him "this week" for about a month) but now I just feel sort of off.. I see all my reading, and living by the new laws are bringing me fulfillment or atleast a distraction from "pain" and "miseries" i have deep within which is mostly empty type feelings, and lost.

I must only feel good about myself when i'm serving someone. Anytime it's me doing something that feels selfish (other than eating up all the food in sight) or doing something thats not serving anyone but me (also besides working hard to break addictions and habits) I feel this depressed, sad feeling. Don't even know why i'm posting this, just want to feel better, do not want to smoke. It's crazy seeing that my new laws and practices really bring me to a place where I am happy. It's almost scary and makes me question how real everything is. Thanks for reading.
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Old 04-16-2015, 08:48 PM
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Me too.

Hey there. I make beats too, but my routine was to drink while making beats and then be hammered by the end of the music session, by myself albeit. I could barley focus on my ableton screen by the end of the night - and there was plenty of weed smoking going on too. When I played shows I was drunk, stoned, on coke, etc. So was everyone else. I had to actually seperate myself from making beats/music to start recovery b/c it was too much of a trigger. Hang in there, sounds like you are trying to make some positive changes. I am actually on lexapro now to help with anxiety/depression. It has really helped me lift out of the fog. Maybe talk to a psychiatrist - I never thought I would be on meds, but they help. I will be 100 days sober tomorrow.
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Old 04-16-2015, 08:51 PM
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I think Pepsi had a good idea Charles.

Maybe seeing a counsellor or a therapist could help you with some of that spiralling negative self talk, as well as help you get a handle on the excessive addictive traits?

D
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Old 04-16-2015, 09:48 PM
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Originally Posted by Pepsi16710 View Post
Hey there. I make beats too, but my routine was to drink while making beats and then be hammered by the end of the music session, by myself albeit. I could barley focus on my ableton screen by the end of the night - and there was plenty of weed smoking going on too. When I played shows I was drunk, stoned, on coke, etc. So was everyone else. I had to actually seperate myself from making beats/music to start recovery b/c it was too much of a trigger. Hang in there, sounds like you are trying to make some positive changes. I am actually on lexapro now to help with anxiety/depression. It has really helped me lift out of the fog. Maybe talk to a psychiatrist - I never thought I would be on meds, but they help. I will be 100 days sober tomorrow.
man congrats!!! the scene is crazy, yea i'm still in a music group with a true proud alcoholic who's still a friend but I won't even let myself be around because.. the saying about "bad" company. but it's true, i feel so much happier not being around that energy. Congrats on your 100 days!! The industry can be a trigger, but I believe we can do this without getting high and drunk. That was def my routine, and it felt like a successful one. I want to do this the right way, and even if that means making music 90% less than I used to. Have to find my groove and identity, thank you for the support! We got this!!
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Old 04-16-2015, 09:50 PM
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Originally Posted by Dee74 View Post
I think Pepsi had a good idea Charles.

Maybe seeing a counsellor or a therapist could help you with some of that spiralling negative self talk, as well as help you get a handle on the excessive addictive traits?

D
Yes I was seeing a therapist AND a counselor, but like Sober Recovery, I let go when I felt I could handle on my own. Will put thought into getting back into seeing my therapist. Im working everyday and will be able to afford it again, and she's really nice! Thanks!
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Old 04-16-2015, 11:19 PM
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And there is your answer Charles, you had it within you ...

Originally Posted by CharlesG View Post
Yes I was seeing a therapist AND a counselor, but like Sober Recovery, I let go when I felt I could handle on my own.
Perhaps consider restructuring your days to include those things.
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Old 04-16-2015, 11:28 PM
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Having a sobriety plan will help Charles
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Old 04-18-2015, 05:00 AM
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Charles - your comments ring true for me. I get depressed unless I'm doing something for someone else.
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Old 04-19-2015, 02:40 PM
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Charles, you got this man. One other thing I think of for inspiration is that a lot of the big name acts remain sober and don't partake in the scene, otherwise they would burnout. I think getting steady on your sober shoes helps before you re-enter the scene and situations. I am slowly choosing events I can go to and creating an exit plan. I also sent an email to everyone I am close to telling them about my sobriety, t has helped keep me accountable when I would have otherwise said screw it and drank. It is ok to let myself down, but I don't want to let others down. Seemed to work for me.
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Old 04-19-2015, 02:50 PM
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Charles, I do think it's good for us to get outside of ourselves and do things for other people. But, I believe balance is important, and so it's good to do things for yourself too. I understand the negative self-talk and how it can lead to a downward spiral.
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Old 04-20-2015, 03:44 AM
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love you guys and thank you guys, all this is true for me also, from balance in my life to telling others about my sobriety to noticing how a lot of big acts are sober and maintaining. Thanks for the support. A post a day keeps that ghost away.
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Old 04-20-2015, 03:48 AM
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Ask yourself - what is there for me to learn in this sadness? What does the emptiness say?

Sometimes, if we look within it - rather than run from it or fight to make it go away - we can find growth. Inner wisdom sometimes speaks in heaviness....
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Old 04-20-2015, 03:54 AM
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Originally Posted by FreeOwl View Post
Ask yourself - what is there for me to learn in this sadness? What does the emptiness say?

Sometimes, if we look within it - rather than run from it or fight to make it go away - we can find growth. Inner wisdom sometimes speaks in heaviness....
i've done this and need to make a routine out of it. I felt that a few nights ago even, and keep coming to conclusion that drinking or smoking about it is the opposite of the answer. It doesn't solve anything about that feeling or even bring any closure, just postpones having to face it. Thanks for the wisdom!
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