Mom Guilt/Feminine Failure
 

I relapsed two days ago after a month of sobriety. I cannot figure myself out. I am trying so hard this time for sobriety and I hate being addicted to alcohol. I also stopped taking my medication, got really depressed and decided to drink. My son will no longer trust me and I am ruining his childhood.

I just cannot get over the guilt of being a bad mother. I used to be a different person: motivated; self-sacrificing and loving. What has happened to me and why can't I stay sober?

Stories and commiserations wanted.

Why did you stop taking your meds??? That led to drinking evidently.

Can you answer this question and then next time do something different?

You are not a failure and you are not ruining you son... self admonishment is not a good motivator to quitting

I don't know why I stopped. I guess I was running out and as silly as this sounds, I was too timid to ask for more.

I have a real big problem with accepting help or asking for it. I wish more than anything that I was independent and didn't need help from anyone. But that isn't anyone's reality.

I get that...I am like that too. But ultimately "no man/woman is an island". Asking for and getting help is a sign of strength, not weakness.

I wondered the same thing. Why did you stop taking your medication? If it's something your dr prescribed, then maybe talking to him about your situation would be helpful?

I don't think you're a bad person or a bad mother :)

no it's not :) and needing help doesn't make you a bad person or a bad mother either :)

D

Have you got a sobriety plan Pouncer ?

Pouncer could you print your OP and take it to your doctor? It seems to me that your medication must be a priority so if your doctor knows how this happened likely s/he can help with that.

Pouncer I know just where you are coming from. I carried so much guilt as a mother over my drinking. I was a serial relapser. I can tell you that with some time the trust slowly starts coming back. It has been easier staying sober now that I have let go of some of the self hate. Right now my relationship with my kids is great.. but I know if I don't stay on top of the sobriety it can deteriorate quickly. I have been a single mother for a long time so I understand independent but I needed help facing up to some of the reasons I drank.

Don't give up on yourself! You are not a failure.

I do this pretty often, actually. I stop taking medication that I need and get weird. I cannot figure it out. I think I panic that I didn't take it and since procrastination seems to be my go-to emotion when I have to deal with anything difficult, I then procrastinate with my medication.

It is highly illogical and I understand that.

Yes, I do and it is a work in progress, the more I find out about my triggers.

I have been working with the SMART program over the last 3-4 weeks and it has helped a lot because it has a cognitive behavioral therapy approach, which I understand.

I just realized today that every relapse I have had has been associated with me not taking medication. I suppose I need to focus on mindfulness in my recovery. I actually hate the word. It sounds so pretentious and self-important, but it is what I need to focus on at the moment.

Could you be stopping your medication to drink? If drinking is the inevitable result of not being on your medication, maybe you are stopping on purpose...so you can drink.

Not accusing, just wondering.

That is an interesting theory that needs to be examined. I think my issue is trying to stop feeling anything. Alcohol helps to deal with difficult emotions, at least for the time being. Feelings are difficult for all of us addicts and not taking my medication makes me catatonic where I don't feel anything. I get so depressed that I check out and probably take comfort in the self-indulgent aspect of it. That is hard for me to admit.

Realizing this makes me more resolved to deal with the underlying health and avoidance issues that cause me to drink. Yesterday was my last day 1. I deserve better. I am going to start treating myself with compassion and care.

Don't be too hard on yourself. As long as you treat it as a learning experience? What have you learnt through this relapse??
It's hardly surprising it happened, but you don't want it to happen again. That Alcoholic Voice doesn't stop whispering to us (it is cunning and baffling after all), and us alkies are masters of self-deception so we play into Alcohols hand when it offers to help us out by altering our perception of reality for us so things are easier to deal with.

I'm glad your resolve is strengthened. Good luck on starting afresh and looking after yourself as a loving parent would do today.

Jobs for today...

1) Emergency doctors appointment (maybe write it all down so you can show it to them if you suddenly don't feel you can voice your truths - if you're anything like me visiting the GP that is!!)

2) Find a SMART meeting to go to today.


I agree that you should be gentle and loving with yourself. But sometimes that means smiling at your own BS excuses if some pop up, and making yourself do the best thing for you (take action), not the easiest (isolation or procrastination). If your child was anxious would you medicate it with alcohol? Of course you wouldn't. So why is that an okay way to treat yourself?

I often don't trust myself as in the past I have kidded myself with so much denial (Denial = Don't Even Know I Am Lying) and self-deception, and I am the best at giving myself loads of procrastination-amunition (i.e. excuses!) I think this is why the AA 12-Step approach works for me, as it that daily turning over of will to my HP that I need. So when I'm decision making and uncertain I ask myself...

What would a successful member (of AA or SR) do?
What would a loving god have me do?
What are my motives?

If you spot any 'Yeah buts' sneaking into your thinking, then it's probably your AV sending you some procrastination-amunition. :)

Good luck xxx *hug*

I think I am getting past the denial/self-deception slowly but surely. My AV is wicked, convincing and selfish. It knows exactly what to say to get what it wants.

I have actually thought about looking at 12-step methods - you know, just poking around. I am a non-religious person and I do not subscribe to the disease theory of alcoholism, but there may be a lot of wisdom I can glean from 12-step methods. The thing is that I really felt good working on SMART, but because I tend to go full force in everything I do, I get overwhelmed quickly.

There is a SMART meeting tomorrow and I am thinking about actually attending. Actually a big step for me - going in person.

I also have trouble taking my medication (Lexapro) due to a bad memory and general procrastination issues, and if I don't take it for a few days, my anxiety starts ramping up and sobriety becomes really difficult. I've luckily got my husband involved, he's very organized and brings my meds to me every morning so I don't forget/procrastinate... LOL, it sounds a little weird/creepy to write "my husband brings me my meds" but it really has worked for me! If there's anyone you can get involved to help you I highly recommend it!

I think women's issues is a really important part of alcoholism and I found the book "Drink: The Intimate Relationship between Women and Alcohol" to be a complete eye opener. Basically says there are some things that might be harder on female alcoholics due to societal pressures including the madonna/***** complex (the expectation that women either perfect or bad with little in-between). I can only imagine that the societal pressures are even greater when you're a mother - but I found the book to be helpful in identifying the societal pressures, realizing that I identified with them, and then letting go of what society expected of me and what I needed to do to help myself. It really helped me in early sobriety so I highly recommend this book!

I think going to the SMART meeting in person is a great idea. It's bound to be scary the first time, but maybe attending the meetings will give you the extra support that keeps you focussed on your goals and helps you to recognise that AV next time it (I always think of mine as a 'he' for some reason?!) starts whispering in your brain.

You don't need to be a religious person to do AA - when they talk about spirituality and spiritual growth, that doesn't mean 'religion' as such - it means changing our past behaviours which tended to rely on habitual selfishness, dishonesty, resentment and fear, by developing our capacity for and striving towards a life built around unconditional love, joy, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, self-control and humility. 'God' can mean a multitude of things in any one meeting, depending on the individuals there. For some it might just mean the AA Fellowship. I know that the majority of people at my home group are not religious. Some are quite anti-church due to some scarring childhood experiences. Others are very religious. But we focus on what we share, not our differences, and I can honestly say that it is an amazing atmosphere. I love going to that meeting and it's like stepping into a warm bath. I'm not sure how we manage to fit so much warmth and compassion into one room. (BUT! Not all AA meetings I've attended have been like that - I had to try a number of different ones to find those that suited me. And I still force myself out of my comfort zone occasionally to go to some that I feel less at home in - because apparently I'm more likely to learn that way.)

Sorry - That turned into a bit of a ramble. Anyway - I reckon that if everyone who attended AA was religious, our church services would be a lot busier on Sundays! :D

I know some people do more than one support method, but I think that would confuse me. Might be worth going along to the SMART meeting, then trying an AA one as well and see what suits you. You sound like you're determined anyway. I hope you update us re the SMART meeting and how you get on. Good luck :) x

Hi Pouncer,

I don't really have any advice other than what has been already said but I am confident you will regain your strength. I have had many failed attempts at sobriety, it doesn't get any easier that is for sure but I think you were headed in the right direction.

I hope you get your medicine figured out if that is what is helping you, I try and keep anything and everything that helps me in my sobriety as close and easily accessible as possible.

Hey Pouncer,

I joined SR almost a year ago
and fell several times,
BUT.....
There were many good days as well.
More so than if I didn't have SR watching my back.
Stick with it and keep fighting, with whatever means works for you!