No hope...same old story
 

Today I had such good intentions. My 26 yr old daughter, when I broached the subject of the money she owes her step father for plane tickets she promised to pay him back for, proceeded to rip into me about what a horrible mother I am. It was ugly. I am a failure. I was not a perfect mother, but I know without a doubt I loved her (and her daughter) completely and unconditionally and I am there always and help in her unhealthy relationship with her husband. I expect nothing in return. Ever. I don't know how to make this better. Some of her anger is probably justified. But I know logically some of it is misplaced and is really pointing fingers without taking personal responsibility. It doesn't ultimately matter tho because she hates me, and instead of doing the healthy thing and setting boundaries or disengaging from the conversation, I am drinking over it. It is a continuous downward spiral. In sobriety I encourage her to forgive and have a heart full of gratitude, to stop blaming everyone else and at 26 take responsibility for her life and her choices. And then I do the opposite.
I feel hopeless. Truly I understand sobriety is a better life but I drink over low self esteem, over my abusive husbands, over my chronic illness, over my sons brain cancer, over anything and everything. I drink over life I cannot see a way out. I already know I am worthless. To have that balidated makes me drink to numb out. Which I promise myself I will not do. And fail to fulfill that promise. And the cycle starts over again. I'm not sure I'll live to see 50 and I'm not sure I really want to.

Hi eliasson :)

I had hundreds of reason to drink and some of them were pretty darn good.

You've heard nothing changes if nothing changes - I actually think sometimes things do change - for the worse.

The bottom line is drinking doesn't help - it just makes things worse.

There is help, and there is hope - but honestly? you're not likely to see it from the bottom of a glass.

What have you done for your recovery this week, Eliasson?

D

Plus AA really doesn't have hope in me anymore. I've tried to call Celebrate Recovery and no one gets back to me. There is not a Women for Sobriety group in my area. I realize my post looks like I'm feeling very sorry for myself (and it doesn't help that I said balidate instead of validate). I try really hard not to and to do the right thing. Except when it comes to alcohol. I'm starting to feel like I'm just crazy. I see people on here say they got sober when their desire to be sober was stronger than their desire to drink. Well as much as I want to be there, there has been so much pain in my life starting at age 12. The desire to drink and numb that out is still stronger than the desire to get sober, even tho I want to want that more. So can I overcome that?

Thank you Dee. I will make it someday and your support and kindness will be re paid. I so appreciate it.

Keep looking for a group. Try online meetings too.

this link has some great advice on recovery plans tho - and there's no waiting on people to call you back :)

http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...at-we-did.html

do read it through eliasson :)
D

You can overcome this if you truly want to. You need to first acknowledge though that your alcoholism is a problem within itself that needs to be treated as such. Bad news and bad things happen to all of us whether we are sober or not, so we cannot use them as excuses to keep drinking. We drink or drank because we are alcoholics....and it is not a coping mechanism...it makes things worse.

What are you prepared to do to get sober? AA and the other recovery methods you mentioned are active methods that you must work on too. They aren't going to come to you and cure you without you doing your part too.

Having said all that, people overcome incredible hardships and get sober every day. You can be one of them.

SR has online mtns every tuesdays & fridays 9pm est in
chat

Eliasson, you can learn to deal with the pain in your life when you're sober. When you drink to help ease the pain, it doesn't help to change your situation. There are things you can do each to help yourself. Meditating wasn't easy but was very important to me in the early days because my mind kept returning to guilt/shame. Make yourself sit down and be quiet and still. Journaling is also a great help and something you can do each day. Write out the pain and sadness you are feeling. And, walking - get outside each day and walk around your area, enjoy the weather, help your physical health and you will feel better.

There is always hope. Make a small change today and you will begin to see improvement.

Hi Eliasson, you will make it, and I hope Dee will not mind me saying this...but nothing has to be repaid. Your life is repayment enough. Sorry for your troubles and I wish you the very best.

ps. Dee if I spoke for you I apologize, just trying to be supportive to those in need.

Eliasson, I'm sorry you're feeling so low. :hug: Do not ever give up on the the desire for a better life. I tried to quit many times. Once I realized drinking was never going to help me cope, I was able to let go of it. Getting numb can never be an answer. While drinking we just stay in limbo - nothing gets resolved, we don't move forward. Please give sobriety another try - there's nothing in that bottle for us, only misery and despair. You can rise above this bad time and get back on track.

Thank you all so much for continuing to encourage me despite my continued failings. I know this will be the most difficult thing I've ever done and I couldn't do it without all of the wonderful people on this forum. It is a new day. I am alive and I will keep trying and never give up on the possibility of what I know will be a better life in sobriety.

Good morning Eliasson,
I just saw your post from yesterday and wanted to say that I too share your pain on 3 outta the 4 reasons you listed, but not the worst one, your son's cancer.
We all drink or use to escape the hard realities of life. But I want to tell you that I believe it's much easier to cope w/these realities as a sober ( or clean, in my case ) person.
I quit opiates & benzos last yr in Aug. & Suboxine in Feb. I have all the same issues to deal w/but feel so much better dealing w/them now that I am clean. :)
I chose SR as my support group ( as I am not comfortable w/face to face support groups yet. ) And SR has been a life saver for me.
Glad to have you w/us. :)

Eliasson - Not sure if you contacted this church in Denton (close to you) - They offer Celebrate Recovery mtgs

http://www.singingoaks.org/index.php/celebrate-recovery

I walked into the rooms of AA feeling I was a hopeless,helpless,worthless,useless, POS. a complete f up. Low self esteem would be an understatement. I had absolutley no self esteem.
One day at a time, praying like crazy, working the steps, going to meetings, fighting the obsession to drink every time I had to face something in life, praying like crazy, working the steps, going to meetings........And kept fighting the obsession to drink.
Eventually I started liking myself. I could look at myself in the mirror and not hate who I saw.
I also ceased fighting alcohol. The problem ad been removed just as promised in the BB.

Getting sober was the hardest thing I ever did.
Staying sober has been easy.
It took T.I.M.E. and worth every second of fighting.

You can do it,too, Elaisson.

And AA hasn't given up on you. We have hope. Always do.

Thank you Art. I just sent that group an email and hope to hear back from them soon :)