Approached by ex who wishes to make amends
 

Hi, all:

I was approached via email by an ex who would like to meet to make amends. When we were together he had several addictions, including alcohol and sex. The relationship was turbulent and verbally abusive (and once, physically), although few outside our relationship knew that because he was (and probably still is) incredibly charming.

Apparently, he is in AA and working the steps and wants to meet. I am glad that he is getting support, but I admit that I don't want to see him as even the thought of him takes me back to a bad place. Is it wrong of me not to wish to see him? And should I respond to this email at all?

Hey Matilda,

You answered your own question with a question. If you do not wish to see him, not wrong at all. Whether you should respond is up to you. Maybe a firm but polite "no thanks"?

I don't think you are wrong at all to not want to see him. Physical abuse is a zero-tolerence offense in my book, and you absolutely have the right to just ignore the email.

If you feel comfortable enough you could allow a written amend, but as you said he's still probably charming ( aka sneaky ) and might still have alterior motives behind it.

Absolutely not, in my opinion.

I'm not in AA, but I have made amends in my life and continue to in the way I live. However, I have not and would never try to make amends in a way that would make someone uncomfortable. That would defeat the who purpose of it.

I think I would simply say, you're glad he's doing well and you wish him the best, but you'd prefer to not see him.

Don't do it. Do not open the door to let that person back in your life. He will learn that there are consequences for everything. You are not being mean or bad. You are setting a boundary.

You don't owe anything to anybody!!!

If he wants to make ammends tell him he can do it over e mail....say no hard feelings and he can move forward without guilt as far as you're concerned....no reason making amends for past troubles needs to be done in person...if he pushes for a meet he probably has an ulterior motive.

You can copy and paste this reply if you wish.

"Thank you for recognizing me as someone you harmed as you continue on your life's journey. Consider your amends made.
Please do not contact me any further. Good Luck."

You're under no obligation to meet with or even further converse with this person Matilda.

Thats not what amends are about - and if your ex has a good sponsor and he's genuine in his desire for recovery he should know that.

D

It's your choice, but recognising the bad place it brings you back to probably answers your question!!

I wouldnt

From the AA perspective he has done what he could to set right past wrongs. He can now move on and close that chapter of his life. He can never forget it but it will no longer consume him with guilt and shame.

From your perspective you are under absolutely no obligation to accept his amends and can walk away with a clear conscience

I think this is perfect
I'm in AA but no, I wouldn't see him, and if I were in his position I wouldn't expect you to either
Best to you

I found out the hard way that physical abuse usually leads to more, and he was "charming" too. If it were me, I would not have anything to do with him. A woman needs to take care of herself first and foremost.