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Old 04-15-2015, 01:02 PM
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MDK
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Hello!!

I've never posted here before but come here often for the advice posted in the forums.

Not sure if this is where I should post, but here we go and i'll try and keep it as short as possible.

My wife is an alcoholic that has a problem with cheating sometimes. It's gotten to a point where she has left me all night before and half of the next day claiming that she can't remember what happened to her. Another time we went to a friends house to drink and she went into their kitchen and she started making out with him as I got up to check on her. She butt dialed me while she was flirting with some guy she just met talking about how they were going to have sex when I wasn't home. *I came outside and fixed that problem real quick* She's gone to the bar on my school nights and got a ride home from some ******* and before I could ask him anything he left in a panic. *on that occasion she blamed me for not going even though I was attending a course that night and was too tired to go out.* It's gotten to a point that I have 0 trust for her. She's so annoying, and I am in constant fear that she will cheat on me when she drinks. My self esteem is so low due to her barrage of insults over the last 6 years of our marriage that I'm ready to just split. There have been a couple of times when she actually tried to quit and stayed sober for 6 months but relapsed back into her usual ********. Cps has been involved in most of my daughter's lives and they said the next time will be the last time. *this is due to the fact that she got bit by the mean bug and started shoving me while drinking* *cps said I was partly responsible due to me not leaving with them*. I am medically retired from the military so I get a check every month and I was in the plans to buy a house for myself, wife and children.*hold the phone a minute* yes I said I was planning to buy a house for my alcoholic wife and the reason I originally wanted to do this is to make her stop drinking. I feel that maybe one of her triggers is the fact that we live in a place that's not so well off in terms of a great neighborhood (it wasn't always a bad place but lately more ghetto people have been moving into the neighborhood and making her feel unsafe)

anyway....... I'm at my wit's end. I can't deal with the possibility of her infidelity. She's a mean drunk to boot. what are my options? I honestly love her to a point where it clouds my judgment and I can see it. Her actions have recently made me re-evaluate my life choices, but a little too late. I'm tired of waiting for hope and I'm ready to leave......... except I have no idea where to go or how to do this with kids. I can't just kidnap my kids and move across states. We have no savings because she is incapable of handling the bills but wants to handle it for whatever reason and won't take no for an answer
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Old 04-15-2015, 01:05 PM
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If it were me personally I would leave her

Doesn't sound like she loves or cares about you at all and it doesn't sound like a nice environment for the kids at all. Drinking is one thing but blatantly cheating is another.
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Old 04-15-2015, 01:26 PM
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Well that's the thing is that she says that she doesn't remember cheating or even the incidents that lead up to it, but she never accepts the fact that it has happened, and anytime I ever bring it up as an argument that she shouldn't drink because she does things to hurt me she simply throws something in my face that I've said to hurt her, and claims that it's the reason she drinks. She's a true alcoholic mind you. She feels happy, let's celebrate and drink, she's sad, I need a drink to feel better, She's angry, I need a drink to calm down, she's surprised, woooooh party let's drink, she's bored, I need a drink to spice things up, and this is the cycle of life I go through with her everyday.

I've tried throwing the drinks out but everytime I do that she just finds an excuse to buy more. Like today I threw out a drink that was almost completely finished and she screamed at me and said that she's going to the store to "replace" the "full beer" I just tossed out.

She always tells me that I've verbally abusive and that's why she drinks, but I just told her right now that I want a divorce and now she's all pissy and acting like a jerk.
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Old 04-15-2015, 01:28 PM
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ask her to quit drinking for you and the kids and see what she says
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Old 04-15-2015, 01:32 PM
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Ghetto people? Wtf
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Old 04-15-2015, 01:44 PM
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WARNING - Alcoholic Abuse!
Start the process of ending it NOW...or it will continue to run out-of-control.

There are NO 'Triggers'.... that from me, a recovered Alcoholic. 'I' was my 'Trigger' ... my never-ending self-serving demand for self-pleasure was my 'Trigger', NOT any specific condition or event or anything else... and all the 'Alcoholics' in my circle of recovered friends believe the same thing.

Honesty is a product of REAL recovery...it is NOT a capability of an Alcoholic running on Self-Will-Run-Riot.

This is a very different type post from my norm, I typically avoid speaking of anything except relating from my own experience and my own actions and history, however I do NOT want to see you continue down this path, and your kids, because you DON'T recognize the REALITY of the Behavioral Nature of an active Alcoholic hell-bent on getting their self-pleasure, and from reading your post it is evident you are being completely deceived and your 'hopefulness' is true enabling.

Cut her off, and demand immediate rehab, and/or start the process of ENDING the Alcoholic Abuse you are currently being subjected to.
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Old 04-15-2015, 01:46 PM
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Have you given her an ultimatum? Stop drinking, change your behavior, or I'm leaving? And meant it? Before that though, I'd look into marriage counseling. It might become necessary though if counseling doesn't work (or isn't an option) and she still doesn't change.
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Old 04-15-2015, 01:46 PM
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sounds like you should leave, tell her to work on herself and maybe talk in a few months....in my opinion there is no excuse for infidelity in a marriage, drunk or not......my marriage is in tatters though so maybe dont pay too much attention to me. Whatever you choose to do dont allow yourself to be a door mat....we often get treated the way we allow ourselves to be treated. Good luck in what ever course you decide on.
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Old 04-15-2015, 01:50 PM
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Originally Posted by saoutchik View Post
Ghetto people? Wtf
i'm sorry I should elaborate. This wasn't meant to offend anyone. Lately the housing community has been seeing a rapid increase of people that don't give a damn about their community and little thugs running around destroying park property stealing and committing robbery. This has slowly been happening over the last 3 years and now it's gotten to a point where these kids just run around here tagging everything they can.
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Old 04-15-2015, 01:56 PM
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Originally Posted by johnt99 View Post
Have you given her an ultimatum? Stop drinking, change your behavior, or I'm leaving? And meant it? Before that though, I'd look into marriage counseling. It might become necessary though if counseling doesn't work (or isn't an option) and she still doesn't change.

I have and she tries.... For maybe a week then she goes back to drinking every other day until she goes back into drinking everyday.

this is the process that follows and I've seen her follow the pattern multiple times

drinks heavily for 6 months until rage takes over and she does something to hurt me or the cops intervene. She swears she'll stop and she does for about 5 months then says I just want one drink. I say no she says I am a grown adult woman, and I tell her calmly she [B]is[B] a grown adult woman with an alcohol problem. She does what she wants regardless of my pleas then she starts drinking 1 time per week saying i'm in control then the 1 time/week turns into 1 every other day into 1 a day into full blown drinking whenever she wants.

I have told her I will leave her, but she never takes it seriously until something bad happens and the cops are banging on my door and the next day starts the whole process all over again.
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Old 04-15-2015, 02:04 PM
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Welcome MDK
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Old 04-15-2015, 02:07 PM
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Originally Posted by soberwolf View Post
Welcome MDK
thank you

any and all suggestions welcome. I need help.
I tried showing her this site to maybe receive direct help from all the lovely people here, but she shows no interest and doesn't even get off her butt to see it. She clearly shows no interest in getting help
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Old 04-15-2015, 04:16 PM
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the main way i saw how destructive my drinking was.. was my partner leaving me. time and time again. soon enough, i didnt want her to leave. then i made the solution for MYSELF. saw how everything else also left me due to my using. Try it.
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Old 04-15-2015, 04:21 PM
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Doesn't sound like there's much in this for you or the kids MDK.

Not all the links here will be applicable to you, but honestly? I would take a look.

http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...how-leave.html

D
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Old 04-15-2015, 04:35 PM
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sorry to hear of your troubles, I was just watching clips from monty python's quest movie and all that comes to mind is,
"RUN AWAY, RUN AWAY"
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Old 04-15-2015, 05:02 PM
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Originally Posted by MDK View Post
I have told her I will leave her, but she never takes it seriously until something bad happens and the cops are banging on my door and the next day starts the whole process all over again.
Welcome!

If you tell your wife you will leave her if she drinks and make that a boundary, and then you give up on the boundary, it's not going to work well for you. I understand that boundaries should be made which will take care of you and the children. I hope you find some peace.
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Old 04-15-2015, 06:02 PM
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Well yes. I know I am partly responsible for this monster in my life. I was young and in love without knowing the full details of what lurked in the shadows. I have left before and gone to my mom's house and 2 days later she begged and begged and begged me to come back. At that point I should've just stayed there but I cracked under the feelings that I felt for her even though I know she's cheated on me several times through drinking.

The most messed up thing about this whole situation is that when I was a kid my dad was an alcoholic and I swore I would never let myself be surrounded by those kinds of people again.

16 years of living with my drunken a-hole father beating on me, and 4 years after that I married one
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Old 04-15-2015, 06:25 PM
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MDK, we have a Friends and Family forum here, too. You might consider posting there, too, since they know what it is like to live with an alcoholic and they give some really good advice most times.

What are you doing for you? And your kids? I suggest finding other ways to build your self-esteem (and wallowing in your wife's problem does not do it). I'd say, make efforts to detach from her and focus on what's important for you and the kids in order to have as healthy a life as possible. In your case, it might take some time, but you will come to find a solution that works, I believe.

Just my 2 cents. Take care.

Edit: Move forward. Do not dwell in the past.

Last edited by Boylan; 04-15-2015 at 06:27 PM. Reason: elaboration
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Old 04-15-2015, 06:50 PM
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You have painful memories of a growing up with an abusive, alcoholic father.

What memories do you wish for your own children?

What kind of memories do they deserve?

My two cents? End this. Seek full custody of your children and give them, and yourself, the chance of a better life.
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Old 04-15-2015, 06:59 PM
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Welcome MDK. I'm glad you came here to talk things over. I hope you'll find some help and encouragement.
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