Unbelieveable
 

So, I just wanted to say that I still can't seem to believe the ease, with which I sipped alcohol a couple of days ago. I was having a really hard time personally and after a period of well-considered abstinence, I felt I deserved one can of beer and half a glass of wine, not more. Then I sat in my room and was very torn and conflicted between having that drink, knowing what all of it had caused me or leaving it and continue feeling like a lonely waste of space.

It's always the same: the av( I guess that's what you call it over here.) said: just have the one, you can stop, you're smart enough, just get a light buzz and go create something nice( in this case, a story.) It'll get your mind off of her( the person I love.)

And then: you can guess what happened: I drank the can of beer, before I slowly, yet deliberately proceeded to chug down the entire bottle of pink wine. And of course, on top of that: I didn't write anything, I just stared at pictures of my one and only and reminiscensed about our past, in the last five years and when the high wore off: I still felt miserable AND guilty.

The positive note, though: I fessed up to my family, showed them the empty bottle and it finally got through to them that I have a real problem. Now I'm getting some much needed help, from a personal coach. Also: everybody has agreed to not drink in front of me anymore.

Yet, I don't think I'll ever stop missing the buzz, no matter how much it sucks when it passes. I've always considered myself smart and strong-willed, yet somehow now: I have become a slave to alcohol. I thought I'd be way further ahead in life by now, it's so incredibly sad. I miss the sane, anti-drugs, motivated highschool-me. Yet, still flawed and often depressed, she was a better person: creative, witty, nice to others... But I guess she has left the building, maybe forever...

Don't be too hard on yourself IPWML, it is really hard and really daunting at first, especially if you are getting over a relationship breakup. Realising you are an alcoholic is definitely not one of life's pleasures.

It does get better over time, very slowly sometimes but it does. At least it sounds like you have a supportive family.
Just take it one day at a time that way it is not like a bereavement

All the best to you IPWML

Never say Never Paid i landed on my backside so many times trying to get sober took 3 months it felt like a decade

i never thought it possible said id be dead by 30 almost died at 31 and today im 21 months sober im 32 soon to be 33 and not only is it possible its an amazing life

As D sometimes says do you think id be sober if i was getting a bad deal & nothing out it ???

Its takes a lot to get that first month i know ive only reached it once (this is my first real attempt at staying sober my previous record is 18 days)

were here for you i suggest using a shedload of willpower & acceptance to get you through the first couple weeks with daily log in involving yourself in this wonderful community will help strenghten your support network

have you joined a class of the month & year you got sober ?

the 24h thread ?

dont give up on yourself just yet give it everything you got do it for you

with you all the way

Don;t make the mistake of thinking you've seen the end of your journey Ipaid...there's a lot more changes and pleasant surprises to come.

I have re-connected with my essential self...and I no longer miss the buzz.
Like our friends in AA say - don't leave before the miracle happens, ok? :)

D