Della1968

You can do this Frank.

Venecia

That's no way to live.

And you never have to live like that again. I know that could sound like a platitude. If someone had said it to me in the day -- not that it would have happened, me being solo and a major closet drinker -- I might have thought that.

But it's true. Thank God, it's true. And you're right: you didn't repeat the cycle and that says a lot.

The other thing you hear around here is that no time sober is time wasted. So true, especially compared to drunk time.

You can do this, Frank.

noexcuse

Oh, Frank, you're drinking is so familiar!!! I didn't have the same amount, but I would drink in the same pattern. So drunk one day that I was basically still drunk the following morning.... I'd call it the 'hair of the dog', but I wasn't chasing off a hangover, I was trying to maintain my drunkenness. Continue for the rest of the day, make a run, blackout, carry on the next day. By the fourth day, my body would start to reject it and I would take a swig and throw it up, but I'd keep trying until I could keep it down, otherwise, heaven forbid, I might sober up. By the fifth day, I'd be too sick to drink or eat and, under duress, would finally give my body a break. Then the walk of shame through the house, looking at the disaster it had turned into. The pathetic attempt at taking a shower. The inability to put on my makeup because my hands were shaking too much. Feeling accomplished because I was able to at least load the dishwasher without breaking a dish.

It can be behind us now, Frank. I hope you are doing well. I can see your potential! And I can also see how you beat yourself up and make yourself believe that you are not worth it. But you're worth it to me. You made me laugh last week on my absolute worst day. And if you can do that for a stranger, imagine the lengths that you'll be able to go to for those that know you. Lots of good thoughts today, Frank. Hope all is well!

FrankLapidas

Thank you for your posts and thanks noexcuses, Dee, Troy, Incontrol, Shoot, Venecia, Shoot, Della, and Boozer. Your posts here mean a great deal to me.

I'm past the stage of mercilessly flogging myself for my relapse. Came out of it with a bruised ego, but body and mind are doing fairly well now.

My current task: Relapse forensics. I'm trying to figure out why the hell I did that. Doesn't seem like there was a trigger, it was just a lightening bolt sent by Demon Rum. Guess I just need to be ever vigilant.

One thing I did do differently on my relapse day: drink coffee. Prior to a couple of years ago when I crawled completely into the bottle I started my day by reading the New York Times on my Kindle and drinking lots (everything to excess!) of coffee, hot and black as New Jersey asphalt in July. And on my relapse day I drank coffee. Got pretty amped up. I'm not sure if there is a direct cause-and-effect there or not, and I think it's too easy to blame it on coffee. But just to be on the safe side, no more coffee for Frank.

For those who read/post here, do you drink coffee?

Soberwolf

Congrats on day 5 Frank

noexcuse

I drink coffee. Lots and lots of coffee. But I have never had coffee when I've had a hangover, and I've often had it at AA meetings, so I associate coffee more as the anti-alcohol than anything else.

Perhaps you should switch to tea? So many varieties, it might be fun to find your favorites for your different moods!

Straightshoot

I had a stomach bug for the last 5 days and I read that I must stay off caffeine. Which means no coffee, no soft drinks which I thought I was fairly addicted to. It has been no problem. One wonderful thing that has happened is my tinnitus isn't as loud. I just may stay off both completely, although I love them both. Glad you are doing better.

ZaBoozer

Hi there Frank, congrats on day five. I am not a big coffee drinker. Since I have stopped the booze, I mainly have a cup or two a day. Sometimes I may have as many as five, but that is not often at all.

Incontrol15

I find excess coffee makes me think about booze more. If I drink more than a couple cups. I switched to decaf because of it. One of my main triggers is anxiety. I believe the coffee makes me feel a little jittery and has a similar feeling to anxiety.

Venecia

Hi, Frank,

Glad to hear you're done with the self-flagellation. It serves its purpose in some ways, but it runs its course and the best thing to do is learn and move forward.

A few thoughts:

Forensics: I'm closing in on 21 months of sobriety. In the first four or five months, cravings were occasional and always the way you described -- out of nowhere and without explanation. Usually in my car, when the ol' "auto pilot to the liquor store" hit me. Then came a long spell of no cravings.

In the last year, there have been a handful but they were situational, mostly in the wake of my father's unexpected death. (And thoughtless actions on the part of a former friend, who once was sober. Warning: friendships in recovery, IRL, can be tricky.) But all told, there haven't been that many cravings; they were never strong or lasted long.

It really does get easier. And your ability to deal with them grows stronger. I had a slight craving about a month ago -- again, related to Dad's death -- but it was fleeting. Two minutes, max. Again, though, I was in my car.

Coffee: Honestly, I think you're on to something. Others here have made connections with coffee and drink. I used to drink ridiculous amounts of coffee and though I still enjoy a nice cup, I have mainly become a tea drinker. It's good to change things in recovery -- new habits, new associations. Although there's caffeine in many of my tea choices, I think it's the change that has served me well. I've also noticed I get really jumpy when I have too much coffee.

One other thing: I've all but eliminated sodapop. It's not good for us.

You're doing this, Frank. And I'm glad you're back.

Hang in there.

site1Q84

Congrats on day 5, Frank!
You could always cut out coffee for a bit and see if it makes any difference in your cravings...

Venecia, I like the tea idea!

I've thinking about quitting coffee while I'm at it. I don't associate it with drinking (that I can tell) but it's just one more unhealthy habit. Maybe tea is the switch I need.

FrankLapidas

Thank you Site, Venecia, Control, Boozer, Shoot, and all.

The Demon Rum wants me tonight, tempts me, demands me. But what the Demon Rum does not yet know is that I have the SR army behind me.

site1Q84

Demon Rum has nothin' on us!

Venecia

You can get through this. Each time you withstand a craving, it gets easier. And the feeling *does* subside.

In the meantime, you've got us. Just hang in there.

Straightshoot

I haven't even looked at a bottle of booze that closely in a long time, but I do have to throw them out now and then as I clean rental cabins. But I think that there should be a picture of skull and crossbones on them and a warning that it could kill people if you drink too much. Demon rum for sure. One hour at a time is what most people say on here. Keep on truckin'.

FrankLapidas

I will get through the night. It helps to talk to people here. Thank you.

thomas11

Hang in there Frank. Regarding coffee, I have a half a mug every morning. But that is all. Everything for the rest of the day is not caffeinated. Can't sleep at night if I drink caffeinated drinks. Tell the demon rum he's not welcome anymore.

site1Q84

Kind of a side note, but every time I come into this thread I consider re-watching Lost, from the beginning. Think I may have to give in to that one soon! I forget how much I loved that show...

FrankLapidas

Talk to me. F*uck. I shouldn't be tempted like this.

site1Q84

Hang in there! Try and figure out why you want to drink at this moment. What's different right now than it was yesterday?

Cravings will always pass if you can just wait it out... You're strong enough to do this!