scared to move forward, thoughts about drinking
 

I am on day 63. That is the longest I have been sober. I was trying to quit for a few months but the longest I could string together was 12 days and then I would drink and have to start all over again. It took a long time for me to just stay stopped.

But even now, I still think about going back to it. I still want to and my brain tries to make me question if I really am an alcoholic or if I somehow "misdiagnosed" myself. Was I really that bad? What would it hurt to drink once a week? Maybe I can moderate now that I have broken the nightly drinking habit... Maybe I am not "ready" to give it up yet and fully commit to creating a sober life... These are the thoughts I have.

I think about relapsing and then just starting all over again at day 1 because the further I get into my sobriety, the more I will lose if I do relapse. When I relapsed all those times when I was on day 1-12, it didn't seem like a big deal to me because I could just start over again at day 1 and I didn't lose much because I hadn't put a lot of work, time, and effort into building a sober life yet. But if I make it to 6 months, or 9 months, and then relapse, it will feel like I threw away a lot of work that I had put in just to start back at square 1. So I guess at day 63 I still feel like I can go back and not lose a whole lot. But the further I get the more of a shame it will be. I know this is unhealthy thinking and might not make sense but these are the things that go through my head.

I am going to AA and I have a sponsor and I just started step 3. I guess Im just not sure if I am ready to make a promise to God that I am going to turn my will and my life over to him yet. I have always believed in God so the spiritual concept doesn't bother me. I know eventually I should turn my will and life over to him and that is how I am going to move forward and get better. But I question if I am sincerely ready to make that commitment. Maybe I want to keep my self will a little longer.

step 3 is making a decision to work the rest of the steps (the first time through those steps).

Simple decision that is difficult to grasp, but honestly, it's about working the rest of the steps and know that something will change in you.

Those steps saved my life. For the first time in my life I was comfortable living in my own skin! And I felt relief and some freedom when I got to step 7. Much more freedom after getting past 9.

Spiritual way of life or alcoholic death? Hmmm. I tried the spiritual way of life and I continue it.

Step 3 doesn't mean you can't change your mind later if you want to. Get through step 7 and see how you feel then. :)

Something that may help put your thoughts in perspective was how difficult it was for you to get your current streak. If you decide to drink again, it may be just as difficult or more difficult for you to stop again. Do you really want to risk that?

Additionally, there must be some good reasons you decided to get sober. Think about why you decided to get sober when thinking about drinking.

Go back and read some of your threads from last year and see how attractive a return to drinking might be. Moderation isn't going to be an option.

Everyone has these thoughts at some stage. What if, instead of these thoughts proving you're not an alcoholic, they prove you are?

With the destruction my relationship with alcohol caused, it would be insane for me to go back.

60 days can be a difficult period - long enough for us to forget the worst of our past, but not long enough for many of the benefits of recovery to be evident.

Give yourself a little time. You will find the urge to drink does fade away :)

None of us know where the next drink might lead us. Alcoholism is a progressive disease and it gets harder and harder to stop. Being able to drink and get sober again in the past is unfortunately no guarantee you'll be able to do so this time - even at 60 days.

My sober record before SR was 8 weeks. I decided I could have a night off and start being sober again the next morning. It was over 2 and a half years before I stopped again.

Relapse is not inevitable tho :) I finally accepted my alcoholism back in 2007. Instead of having 8 weeks sobriety I now have over 8 years.

You can have that too ItsJustMe :)

D

You'll never realize how life can surpass even your wildest expectations if you don't give it a real chance. Miracles happen when we are open to them. We cannot be open to spiritual gifts when we choose to poison our souls with booze.

Don't give up on yourself just yet. Your miracles are just around the corner.

Dee said it. For me, it's not about "losing" the sober days I've acquired. I'm more concerned with how long it might take me (never?) to find the strength to pick myself up and get sober again.

Also, congratulations on 63!

Thank you all for your replies. You have given me some great things to keep in mind when I start thinking that way.

Sugarbear, I like what you said about step 3 being a decision to work the rest of the steps. That is a lot easier to wrap my head around then what it would mean to turn my will and life over to God.

Scott, your suggestion to read my old posts from last year was really helpful. I really struggled to string a few days together and felt so bad about myself.

Heres help with a plan i know you go aa but anything that helps....helps ! http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...at-we-did.html

Of course you think about it only alcoholics do so with that knowledge knowing you obsess i think its time to employ your acceptance

i dont drink or think like a normal person when it comes to alcohol i am alcoholic i cant drink safely or responsibly and neither can you

Pls dont listen to your AV it will tell you anything to get a drink