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heartbroken

Old 04-13-2015, 12:30 PM
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heartbroken

When i first met my STBX, there was no attraction on my end. I have never been around any addiction before but was a grad student for counseling. We got together and we were drinking and partying a lot. He told me he had just had a car accident that involved him hitting head on into a tree. He had to get jaws of life out of his car and suffered head injury. He was drunk. He continued to drink when we were dating. We started to fight and he became violent with me during drunken episodes. I stayed for some reason. He eventually admitted that he was an alcoholic and he had been drinking for 20 years. I of course wanted to help him; not knowing much about this disease. One night during a blackout he pulled a gun on me and told me I was going to die. He also choked me. I called the police and had him arrested. He went to jail and lost his high paying computer job. His family hired an attorney to help clear his felony charges of aggravated assault. I moved out immediatly and told his attorney I wanted nothing to do with him and for him to get treatment when asked what it was I wanted for him. He got off with first offenders plea and got probation for a year. I thought this was his rock bottom. He did too. He had to move in with his mom (age 41) and live with her for a year to rebuild his life. He went to 6 weeks of treatment and started AA and got a sponsor. He was sober for a year at this point and he reached out to me after writing me a very heartfelt amends. We eventually slowly started to get back together. I felt like he was truly sorry and his behavior was caused from taking adderall, head injury, and drinking. He was sober for 2 years and we were fully back together. He finally got off probation, got a very good job again, and moved back out on his own. I moved in with him. In Sept. we were married. During this time is when I started to see changes. He slowly stopped going to AA stating he didnt need it anymore and he did not want to be a lifer. I also found out that he liked porn. We argued a lot about it. He would stop but then start again. He then started to seek out a psychiatrist for adderall as he said he needed it or work to help him with his job as a developer because head injury made him tired all the time. He began to take adderall; and soon got up to 40 mg. He was also addicted to gym. He would go 7 days a week, taking workout supplements before he would go. He basially had dry drunk behaviors. He got angry all the time, and started to tell me I was not giving him enough space; or that I was too needy. He started to game more and would spend hours playing. Eventually we began to fight all the time. Every time we would fight, he would threaten divorce. His behavior was becoming more more irrational. He had road rage and I would get upset about how he acted in the car. He would get mad at me for telling him how to drive. One day he made me think he was going to leave me at the park when we were running. I had to run after the car and chase him. This was towards the end. Valentines Day we had a very nice night. We ended up fighting at the end of course for some odd reason and he said he wanted a divorce. He stayed in other bedroom for a week. i knew he was watching porn every night. We got back together to work things out a week later and were back for 2 days before he picked a fight with me again and said he wanted out again. He told me to get out. Every day he would yell and scream at me to get out.He would say how much he did not like me, how I was too clingy, and he wasnt even attracted to me anymore. He said the meanest things to me. I eventually left to go to hotel due to his name calling me and meanness. He got divorce papers and wanted me to sign the next week. During this time I was coming back to the house some to get things. During one of these visits, I smelled the alcholol on him. I knew he relapsed. He wanted me gone so he could drink again. He denied it of course. I have now moved into my own place but feel so confused. I havent had any contact from him in 15 days. He just dumped me, our relationship (4 years) ; our marriage, and never looked back. I am left picking up the pieces. I am mad at myself for staying and going back to him after what he did to me the first time. I should have known. I dont know what i feel anymore. We really were best friends a lot of the time, and to have no contact and for it to happen as like it did, so fast, no closure, just cut me off, has been horrible..
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Old 04-13-2015, 12:41 PM
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I'm sorry it's been horrible for you and a distressing relationship. It seems to me that you're not confused and that you know what is the right thing for you to do.
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Old 04-13-2015, 01:41 PM
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Welcome ABC
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Old 04-13-2015, 02:49 PM
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Sounds like you did the best thing for yourself. I realize the difficulty of such an abrubt ending, so many unaswered questions that you probably feel you have a right to know. However, it really does not sound like he made any positive contributions to your own personal and spiritual growth. Perhaps this is a good opportunity to just make a clean and firm break. You may get the answers you seek in time, you may not. The best thing you can do is to take care and nurture YOU.
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Old 04-13-2015, 02:56 PM
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Hi Abit. Sorry you got dumped. That is what just happened, you got dumped. Sorry.
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Old 04-13-2015, 02:57 PM
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Just as a BTW: I love you.
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Old 04-13-2015, 03:38 PM
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Hi Abitconfused,

I completely understand how upset you must be after all the things he put you through both before he went to jail and again after you got married, but I think the key thing there is "...all the things he put you through".

In my opinion he has (inadvertently) done you the biggest favour because it means that you will be free of him and you deserve that because you are so much better than him.

Maybe you would have come to that conclusion yourself eventually but who knows how long it would have taken for you to get to the point where you said "no more"

That said I realise that you must be really hurting so hugs to you .

PS I havn't been there myself but there is a family/friends of alcoholics section on SR. There might be something helpful there, at least people in similar situation
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