Four triggers and a funeral.
 

Had 11 days. Been struggling with ptsd.

My uncle died. I want to pay my respects to his family today though we aren't very close.

His son and I, we used to be friends. Up until I snapped out of a black out with him hanging over me, naked.

My brother will be there as well. I think he raped me when I was passed out. But I don't recall, really, just a flash of what looked eerily familiar, and his weird behaviour for a while after.

My nephew. Same as with the other, a friend I thought I could trust. Still feel his hands all over me while I needed someone to feel safe with, for once, just once, someone who wouldn't use me the first chance he got, but I should've known, that's why he liked to get me intoxicated as much as possible. Dependent. Knowing I had no-one else to turn to.

My mother. The one who started this mess, the pile of garbage that is me. Just a dumpster for everyone to use. I have to drive with my parents to the crematorium, my brother being the only other option. I don't drive my car as I'm sure I'll crash it into a tree, or drive it into the river. I can never be the good girl she wants, cause as soon as I am, she changes her mind about how I should be. I wish I could just leave, just disappear, but my horses live with them and I don't want to think about what they will do to them, to punish me, when I refuse to be used anymore.

I'm sorry about this. Funeral is in thirty minutes and I don't know what to do.

You strike me as a very strong person. My condolences on your Uncles passing.

I'll be thinking of you, you can pretend I'm someone standing behind you today who's got your back. Along with everyone else at SR.

Thanks trees, but I don't feel very strong. Was hoping a drink would help but it just released the hurt. No one here to help me. Never was. Everyone I trusted turned out to be, well, not that. My family is not safe. But I have no one else.

I do appreciate it and will try to remember it. I know I will dry my tears just in time to put on the show they want to see.

You can pay your respects without going to the funeral. I've done that several times.
It doesn't sound like there's much in there for you by going, Evienne.

Whatever you decide, please don't drink any more, ok?.
I'm sorry for your loss.

D

But I have to go. If I don't my mom will just use it as supply, to show everyone what she has to put up with. If I do, she'll do the same. Double bind.

For some reason, I want them to see the mess I am in. Even though I know they don't really care. They won't feel guilty, or responsible, not like I do, ever.

I felt the same way for a long time. I did things because to not do them meant so much vitriol and drama. I also wanted them to see the mess I was.

Noone ever saw the mess I was - not really. Even when I fell down drunk it was just Dee having too much to drink again and another reason to demean me.

I went minimal contact with my family after I got sober.
There was a pretty fierce campaign to make me feel guilty but I resisted and I'm glad I did.

They did stop eventually. What they said about me to others was none of my business.

I have a personally chosen family of friends and loved ones who respect and value me :)

I still reckon there is no reason in the world why you should voluntarily put yourself in a position where you feel unsafe, angry, scared, or upset - so upset that you drank, Evienne.

Funerals are for the living, not the dead. Mourn him but take a long, hard look and think it over before going to the funeral. As Dee said you can mourn in your own way, honor him in your own way. But he's dead and you are alive. You need to make good choices to keep it that way.

You probably have a reservoir of strength inside you that you're unaware of now. Stay the course! You will okay, Evienne.:grouphug:

Evienne if these men in your family have treated you in such a despicable way then I urge you hightail it out of there. Yes, I understand that your horses are there but you are talking about rape, sexual and physical abuse. Get out of there, go straight to a womens' shelter in a town somewhere and then reassess.

Forget funerals, get out of there.

Dear Evienne:

You are not a victim. You are a survivor. You are not a dumpster! Or a pile of garbage! What kind of talk is that?

If you see yourself like this, what will you be portraying outward.

You are not a slave to the past and what has happened. You have today to start the changes you want to see and who you have to be. Shame on those men! It is their fault things happened not your fault. No matter how intoxicate one gets! I had the same thing happen to me and it isn't easy and it was horrible but we are not to be defined by that. We are much more. SO MUCH MORE!

You are strong and you can get through this!

Dear Evienne,
Be strong. Do what you feel is right For You - not anyone else. Choose your own family - people who will respect and cherish you, as you well deserve. Only when you can feel your own value, can you truly take care of yourself, and conquer the addiction.
Take care sweetheart.
Much Love xo

Sorry about the loss of your Uncle, my sympathies.

Perhaps consider removing yourself from the abuse of your family. I know of others who had to do the same as those closest to them hurt them the most.

Please seek outside professional counseling for all you been through -
Prayers to you....

I still went. Kind of dissociated my way through it. Went into a familiar state of not really being there. Interesting, the kind of shoes people wear to a funeral these days. Sneakers, silver glittery pumps, short skirts and stilletto heels.

My first love was there. He's my brothers', and nephews' best friend. My first real kiss, I remember it so well. He had a girlfriend at the time, but I didn't mind. No matter how little affection, it still was affection. This lasted years, from when I was 14, our last time together when I was 25, though he always had a girlfriend, it was a little glimmer of hope, to me, I always fantasized about how he would eventually start caring for me, and curse me, I still do, he still haunts me in my dreams sometimes, but he's married now, has a kid, but I felt it again today and I feel so hopeless.

And I have a boyfriend, for crying out loud, I love him, I want us to have a future together, but he doesn't know the things I let happen to me, if he knew, he would see how filthy I am, it wasn't just those men, I can't blame them really, for seeing my worth, and acting on it. My own mother saw it all this time, not worth spending time or effort on, just keeping up appearances, I get it, I can't keep fighting the obvious. I'm sorry, if I offend anybody with this, just delete.

I'm so sorry, I know I'm rambling, I know it's ptsd and I tried to wait it out, educate myself about it, but I don't have anyone to talk to, or reflect on, just my horses who light up my day just enough to find my way through. I know my boyfriend says he loves me but he doesn't understand, he just wants what all those others wanted, I'm lost, I keep trying to pretend I'm fine, I'm on a waiting list to get help and I don't want to call my dr or the hospital because they'll just take me away from all I still care about, my animals, who really deserve someone better than me, but there's no-one else for me, they're all I can hold on to for now. The longer I stay sober, the more intrusive and consuming the memories get, the less I can see a future, and society is not helping one bit, with all you sweet people on here, why can't I find people like you near me? Why do I keep running into and holding on to the wrong people, that must be on me, so I hope to feel some safety in my home, but my home will be demolished in a while, and I don't feel safe anywhere anymore.

Evienne, my heart goes out to you. I feel great sorrow for all the terrible things that have been done to you and that you have endured.

I believe that there is a pure spiritual being within each of us that is our core, our heart. Even though we may be damaged and desecrated externally, that pure being within us is still there and we can find it.

At some place deep within yourself, you are whole and pure and worthy. Nothing takes that away from us. Some of us just have to work harder to find it, especially if those around us have demeaned and undermined us. I was also abused, and have PTSD, and I understand where you are coming from.

From what you write, it sounds as though your self definition is not from yourself, but instead, is a recitation of your mother's warped and destructive views of who you are.

You can be free of that. You have the right to live your own life, free and straight, instead of twisting and diminishing yourself so that you fit into others' limited demeaned views of you.

When I was in a devastating 20 year marriage with an alcoholic who became more controlling, vicious, and verbally and emotionally abusive as the years went on, I gradually lost the capacity to see myself and see my life for myself. Because he was so powerful and threatening, and I wanted to please him so that he wouldn't direct his rage toward me, I began to look at life through his eyes, not my own. Then I could see how to act to prevent his rage, or so I thought.

Over time, I lost the capacity of distinguishing what I was, what I felt, what I needed from what he said I was. I wanted to stay with him because I thought that was what a loyal wife did, and if I let myself realize how damaging his behavior was toward me, I couldn't have stayed. No one could have.

It got so bad that I left suddenly and forever on July 4th, 2012. My personal Independence Day, I guess. Almost 3 years later, and with a huge amount of emotional work, I have found my soul again, and found great peace and joy. This path is available to you, too. Search on my name, and you'll find my old threads if you are interested.

There are resources for you. Reach out to your doctor and tell him or her what is going on and how you are feeling. He can probably get you counselling much sooner. Call a suicide hot line if you need to. I did once, in the middle of the night, and apologized for bothering them and taking their time when there were people who really needed them, and they said "No, it is YOU we are here for". Talk to a minister. There are people out there for you right now. Go to a center for abused women. Even if you don't have an abusive partner, you have abusive people in your life, and you qualify.

Here on SoberRecovery, there is a forum for Adult Children of Alcoholics and Addicts. While your mother and family members may not be alcoholic or addicted, people on this forum discuss very similar issues to what you are experiencing with family members whose behavior hurts them.

There are two books that helped me: In An Unspoken Voice: How the Body Releases Trauma and Restores Goodness by Peter Levine, PHD and The Betrayal Bond: Breaking Free of Exploitative Relationships by Patrick Carnes, PhD.

Evienne, my heart goes out to you, and there is help out there for you. PM me if you want,

ShootingStar1

Shootingstar, I'll read the books you provided, and everyone who replied, it means so much to me and I am grateful, but I am experiencing a lot of cognitive dissonance on this and how the h@ll do I get over that? The trust is gone, completely. I even figured, most of you sweet souls must be bots, controlled by the government, but I see how warped that is, yet it leaves me with disease. That I suspect more kindness in bots than in my fellow men I meet day to day. It scares me, that the world and its inhabitants are so frightening to me but that's what they taught me. My life is like a bad lifetime-movie which just doesn't end. Not happily anyway.

I know my mom loves me in her way. She just isn't capable of anything beyond what her parents taught her and unable to face her own demons, it's easier for her to lie to herself and everyone around her, and that's not just sad for me, I cry for her pain as well. My dad, he's my hero, in a strange way. I saw him shed a couple tears today and it broke the shards of my heart. At least he taught me to fight for what I love, which is why I'm still here, fighting for my old dog who just lost his left eye to glaucoma, and will lose his other in a short while, he needs me to look out for him. My horse is 80 yrs in human years, been through a lot, been a sports utility, loved, abandoned, had his back broken, but still carries me and protects his women with the pride that comes with the territory, and I'm afraid my mom won't want him around and have him butchered if I bail out. My other pony is only 4 yrs old, but loves me so much, she calls out whenever she sees me, I couldn't possibly abandon her, if you saw her, you would feel the same, she lights up every place she goes. Yah I am one of those people who thinks of their pets as their own flesh and blood, because they damn near are.

ShootingStar, I know it's mostly THEIR hate I have internalized but if all others hate me so much, are they not right?

I know I'm really sensitive to all this but maybe I am the one who's wrong? It's easier to accept than accepting there's so many flawed people in the world? While I know, I have been a vegetarian for 21 years now, taken in stray people and animals, speaking up for wrongs that needed to be righted (took punches for that), even quit nursing school because it wasn't up to my standards, maybe I should just conform to their standards?

Maybe they aren't right. Maybe misery just loves the company.

I feel a bit better having vented. Hope I will be able to pour the rest of the drink out and have a fresh start in the morning.

ShootingStar, I know it's mostly THEIR hate I have internalized but if all others hate me so much, are they not right?

No, Evienne, they are not right.

Their souls are stuck in hatred; it surrounds them like a shroud, and they can see nothing of the light when they are blocked that way. So what is reflected from them onto you is darkness. That is all they have to give. That is all they can see. This is their profound limitation, not yours.

When you surround yourself with people with light within them, they will show their own light and reflect yours.

Start looking for the light, within yourself and within others, and you will see more. And choose to be with people who are loving and caring.

You are entitled to live your own life, for yourself, and if that means leaving the darkness of your original family behind, then so be it.

Please pour out the rest of the drink and start fresh now. Alchohol will only depress you and muddy you further. There are two problems that you can become free from: your alcohol dependence and the reasons you drink: your family of origin.

It will help if you find a professional counselor who understands addiction and abuse to sort this through with you. For the moment, have faith that their darkness does not define you; it defines them.

Hugs,

ShootingStar1

I would even take this a step further and say that seeking a professional therapist is necessary. Most of us, self included, lack the objectivity and the skills necessary to unravel the tangled mess of our past and how we have internalized those events into our own self perception.

I have my moments of clarity when I know how my upbringing brought me here. To you.

My country, it used to be famous for its wonderful health care system, but it´s not, not anymore. Waiting lists for even moderate professionals. I don´t know if someone even remotely adequate will be at the end of the waiting list. But there´s still some hope. Bmac, when I first read your signature, I wept and it sticks with me. Like the scent of the violet. It´s beautiful, it´s not like anything I´ve ever known, it´s giving me a scent of tomorrow, when I sometimes forget there is a next day, a next chance, even for someone like me. Even my pets can smell that violet and I hold on to that with tooth and nail. Even though everything feels so hopeless now, I will try not to let go.

Hi Evienne' still thinking about your posts, I hope you are ok and still determined to quit. I realise that is probably more difficult for you than I can really imagine