So I had 35 days...that got flushed down the toilet
 

So my reason for drinking last week was because well I told myself...I feel like a beer. The AV in me was just itching at me. Felt that after a month I could handle it get it a shot. Had a few tall ones while relaxing at home. The we celebrated my wife passing her exam to gain entrance into nursing school. Part of the issue is that as alcoholic we love to drink. Those 2 days turned into about a week drinking and misery. Luckily I'm off call from work and I was supposed to be starting another job this pass Monday the 6th but that got kiaboshed just before the weekend. Sucked because we were really relying on that extra cash. Anyhow...to help with the withdrawal I tapered down the last day because I wanted to stop. So here I am starting over.....

The part I don't get is my wife asks me why I can't just stop. I wish I had an answer for that. Like in the middle of a bender I want to but I just really can't seem to find the will to stop. I know it makes her sad and she really hates it when I'm in that state of mind. I'm the worlds worse person when I'm like that in her eyes. So today I'm finally sober and she asks me the question so what are we going to do about this because I can't keep living like this. It's like I have a 3rd child she says(we have 2). I really don't have answer as I don't want to make anymore promises. I know she's at her wits end and how can I blame her. I have a therapist that I see who deals with addiction, but I'm just not sure besides the obvious of making sure this doesn't happen again?

getright I think you have the answer in your own post. You said:

and it's quite valid to celebrate that but not if

Part of your plan needs to include how you will celebrate without drinking and there are many enjoyable ways to do that. Will it be a meal out? A meal in that you cook? A picnic? A special cake or dessert? Taking your wife to see film? You get the idea.

When i had the first drink all bets were off as to what would happen .

Once in a blue moon i'd be the reasonable drinker but more often than not i drank until i blacked out and the longest one of those i had was from a thursday till monday .

Once i've had one drink all bets are off so the only reasonable thing i could do was to not have any drink .

35 days was a good run , no one can take it away from you .
Seems to me like you've got some more to do as to how to handle sobriety, AA and church sound like as good a place to start as any :)

Keep on ,

m

Regardless of what method you use, I really believe the bottom line needs to be no drinks ever getitright.

Ok, your wife might not understand...but you should, y'know?

As Mech said, once I get a drink in me, all bets are off and my good intent is worthless.
D

With respect to AA and the church line , oops .. that was another thread , sorry it's early in the morning here and i've not had my coffee ..

I hope you do something more to help your sobriety anyhow .
m

1. Nothing was flushed down the toilet. You can't erase past sobriety with drinking any more than you can erase past drinking with sobriety. Those 35 days happened. That voice in your head telling you they got flushed is a liar prepping you for his next drink.

2. You're not a failure, you're a learner. Seems to me like you learned that a) your wife is getting sick of this crap, b) a month of sobriety didn't turn you into a normal drinker, and c) drinking alcohol has serious negative consequences for you

3. You can't just stop once you've started because you are addicted to alcohol. So am I. So is Dee74, mecanix, Marcher13, and thousands of other members here. You are in good company.

"I have a therapist that I see who deals with addiction, but I'm just not sure besides the obvious of making sure this doesn't happen again? "

Hi.
I’m also a slipper slider and it didn’t get better until I wanted it to. It involved too many broken promises to myself and others along with shame and fear that drinking always equaled diminishing returns, never better.
Finally after being sick and tired of being sick and tired I joined the program which has helped guide millions in sobriety.
Sobriety is work and requires changes within ourself which scares many and results in a continued life of increased misery. Fighting this disease is very difficult if we don’t include people who understand and have been traveling the same path.
I’ll point out that with each relapse it’s usually harder to become sober as it seems we only have a limited number and then bad things get worse.

BE WELL

You didn't lose those 35 days. However, this can be a really good learning experience to support your sobriety. You learned that you need to find other ways of celebrating with your wife. You can also call out your AV next time it says, "but you have x days, you don't have a problem".

The thing is, you are like the rest of us. We can't drink safely either. I like to think of it being analogous to being wired differently. It takes a lot of action and a lot of changes to do things that support our sobriety.

Your days sober might be starting over but your progress to sobriety is not. Learn something from this experience.

I realized in my last bender (last week) that if you left me home alone with an endless supply of alcohol, I would eventually drink myself to death - literally.
I barely ate for 3 days. Would wake up in the middle of the night, get out of bed and start drinking again, fell down the stairs once... given enough days alone I would unquestionably be dead.

That's a terrifying but powerful realization.

I use to view my relapses the same way as the title to your thread "So I had 35 days...that got flushed down the toilet"

When I stopped punishing myself for relapse, which included comparing my abstinence with others, and could view it as another lesson in recovery, I began to heal.

As a newcomer, 35 days was a mark improvement for someone like me that believed they couldn't be abstinent for one day. So, my abstinent time was not wasted.

You can move past this. Action can be taken without will. It's very difficult but can be done. Sometimes the will comes later. I think that what you are describing is a hallmark sign of alcoholism that has affected us all. We come to believe that our will controls our lives, and that's when we lose the plot. The will is strong motivator; but we still have a choice in the actions that we take. It's my personal opinion that learning to overcome our will is one of the requirements for a foundation of sobriety that lasts.

You are not starting over, you are picking up where you left off. Not many people can say they made it 35 days. You obviously know how to do this. Tweak your plan as necessary to avoid the same result in the future.

IN MY EXPERIENCE, there are two parts to my mind; the rational human part and the addictive voice, which only cares about pleasure, no matter the cost or consequence.

No matter how wonderful it sounds to be able to control my drinking, it's just not possible. Why?

Because that first drink is a double whammy! It paralyzes the rational human part of my brain, which is the part that could possibly stop me after a couple, and it basically throws a meatball to the animal addictive voice part of my brain.

End result is a paralyzed rational mind with all inhibitions anesthetized and a pleasure seeking addictive mind that's all fueled up like a Tasmanian Devil. In a situation like that, there is no telling WHAT might happen.

I might have two drinks and quit, or I might have 22 drinks and end up killing myself or someone else. There's no way to tell once I've given up control of my rational mind.

It's the very first drink that's the most dangerous. The only way to truly win is not to play!

Skeletoncrue - thank you for the best description of the conflicted relationship within that I've read so far. Paralyzing my rational mind, while simultaneously throwing my AV a meatball... That's one of the sobriety images I'll retain for my lifetime! Well written!

Thank you for all the words of encouragement! You're right on every level you mentioned.