I read some of the bottoms other people have and some are much worse than me. I know I'm not supposed to compare bottoms, but my AV uses this as an excuse to tell me I don't really have a problem. I'm not like you all. Yet I'm fixated on alcohol. I think about it at odd times. And I definately drink unhealthy amounts. I am writing this here because it has become a stumbling block for me achieving any substantial string of sober days.

Hey there,

Regardless of what we lose financially, emotionally and physically - we are all at the same bottom. That bottom is that we cannot control our drink - it controls us. That is the same bottom for everyone. Loss of control.

Hang in there.

Comparing bottoms eh? Kinky.. ;)

No, that is the AV talking Tang. You know it. When you deprive it of what it wants, it will lie, cheat and steal to get it. You are like us, don't be fooled into complacency.

This was a problem for me as well..... for over a decade as I watched my bottom sink lower and lower.... I continued to tell myself "I'm not THAT bad".

What helped me was to make a consistent conscious effort not to look for the differences, but to look for the similarities.... then, in light of those similarities to ask; "Is that what I want my life to be?"

Thanks for the responses. I think the other AV piece here is a "macho" I can tough out this drink thing, still drink and maintain control. I know this isn't true but my brain is telling me it is.

Reading this post I would say quite the opposite - you are exactly like all of us. Pretty much everything you describe in your post are the classic traits of alcoholism ( fixating on it, drinking when you know you shouldn't, drinking unhealthy amounts, comparing your drinking to others, ) and we have all been there.

Regarding "bottoms", there really is only one true one - death. Just this week there have been multiple posts of people who have died due to their addiction right here on SR. Are you truly willing risk it all for the priviledge of pouring liquid poison down your throat?

Scott- I know. It's the addiction telling me I'm different. It's the most baffling thing to me.

I'm really very worried. I seem to be getting myself into a deeper and deeper hole. It just keeps getting worse when I drink. But I can't seem to say stopped. I'm worried because I can't stay stopped, I think only death will end it for me.

So you need to start listening to your logical self instead of your addictive self. What kinds of things have you tried in the past to accomplish this?

I know that feeling of thinking you can "outsmart" alcohol. Surrendering to the fact that you cannot outsmart, out run, or "manage" it is very freeing. I resisted that myself for a long time. It angered me that I could not drink moderately anymore. And I kept banging my head against the wall. And to what end? I was still an alcoholic and I had a bruised head!! :)

Park - I hope not. Alcohol is not worth dying over.

Tang - I don't want to die. But I think that's where i'm headed. I just can't stop!

Bull ****. You just haven't yet.

I once bought additional life and liability insurance because I was certain my drinking would only end in tragedy and/or death.

That was my AV making me its slave. Telling me I am powerless against its will. It is a liar and a thief. It would murder me if I let it.

I don't let it.

Dealing with a part of your brain that is actively betraying you is difficult. But change is possible. Hope is reasonable.

Stop being a passive participant in your own demise. Get to work.

I did this. You can do this. :ring

One of the aspects IOAA2 always addresses that I love, is that even though something hasn't occurred, it hasn't happened to you YET. If you keep on drinking, you will get there. How bad do you want your bottom to be?

While I have had a fairly high bottom, I don't want to reach some of the bottoms others have. I don't want to have to be physically detoxed. I don't want to be physically dependent on alcohol. I don't want acute or chronic pancreatitis, cirrhosis, alcoholic cardiomyopathy, seizures or anything else associated with it. I don't want to lose my marriage or anything I hold dear. I would prefer to learn from their experiences than make it my own.

Tang, you don't have to have a low bottom to realize what alcohol is capable of doing to you. Mine wasn't particularly low. I'm kind of glad Para posted inside your thread because it brought you out of the way you were thinking. You're right, "Alcohol is not worth dying over".
Para, somehow you have to make a big change and stop. You can't stop because you are not doing anything different. Do something different, like join a club, or volunteer somewhere, or do AA if it will help.

When I heard Mickey Bush talking about Rock Bottom that it all started to make a bit more sense. He says that 'Rock bottom' isn't what people have done, or lost because of their alcoholism. These are the just the outside symptoms of the drinking. He says 'Rock bottom' is an inside job. It's when you become desperate for things to change. It's when alcohol can no longer change your perception of reality and all your left with is the drunk, the hurt, and the hate.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1L0hemu0vqU
(about 29 minutes in)

A turning point for me was when I began to realize my getting sober had everything to do with my own quality of life. It helped me to focus on myself, while learning not to make comparisons with others. Took me a little while though. My suggestion is to not even worry about what someone else's bottom might be. Focus on making life better for you.

There's an idea that made sense to me - something about competing with yourself, being a better version of yourself, rather than making the comparison between yourself and others.

When I started out it seemed impossible to be sober. Now I'm 8 months in and I never want to go back to drinking. It's worth the early struggle keep fighting it gets easier.