martina12

Mr Z I think you maybe confusing 'keeping your pecker up' a very English phrase for keeping your nose in the air and holding it together with something altogether different?!

I am blushing at the alternative that you might be suggesting....

You have no need to worry about me in the wilds with my children we are very happy campers

Looking forward to getting back to SR in a few days....

ZaBoozer

Good evening all,

Well, it is the end of day forty nine for me. The cold is staring to come to this part of the world, not that it affects me at home. Business first though.

Physically I am a little tired. I did not experience any fatigue today. A first for being a work. My headache did hit me this afternoon. I suspect that it is because I didn't eat today. I hardly smoked or drank coffee so I know it is not that. Mind you, I also didn't drink much water. I hope I get a good nights sleep. I don't think that should be too much of an issue.

Mentally I am fine. I got a little bit of work done this morning. Other than that I was stuck in one of those blasted all day meetings where you have to think on your feet. It is really not nice being the interrogator. Especially if your boss is sitting in on it. All in all though, it was a good mental exercise. I am finding that I have to rely on my notes less and less. I still make them though, always good to have something to refer too.

Emotionally it has been a mostly flat day. I was occupied most of the day. I had a low patch when I got home, but once I got busy it levelled out.

Well, not much is happening this side. The news is all doom and gloom. The joke of it all - there is such a shortage of engineers here in SA, yet we have hundreds of unemployed engineers as they do not fit our affirmative action program. Our water infrastructure is starting to fall to pieces, so what do the genius' in parliament do - import seventy Cuban engineers. What next I ask in utter frustration. The same happened in medicine last year. I am not sure what these clowns are trying to achieve. On the lighter side - we have our own comedy show if you watch the parliamentary channel.

I got a few more tiles laid tonight. It is rather chilly out, so I am not too enthusiastic about mixing tile cement and stuff. It has to get done though, so I will keep at it. I don't have that much more left to do.

Todays posts to this thread have been interesting. So I will use porridge instead of gruel. Sorry Casey, we lose. I will concede to M who is hell-bent on people keeping their peckers up. (Sorry M, I couldn't resist it. I am still laughing. The cats think I have gone insane.)

Well it is bed time for me. If I can stop laughing that is.

Be safe and be strong.

Cheers,

ZAB

ZaBoozer

M, I am not suggesting anything. You are blushing because you know what it means. It is hard to confuse that phrase.

From the dictionary: Urban Dictionary: pecker

I couldn't have made it up if I tried. If there was a prize for catch phrases - you would come out tops. No-one can beat that one.

Travel safe and hurry back with some more of those quirky English phrases. Have a great trip.

ZaBoozer

Good morning all,

Well, it is the start of....... day fifty for me. Winter is on its way. We are now down to single digit figures here in JHB. I really need to find a way to work from home. Business first.

Physically I am great. I did not have a headache this morning. I hope it stays that way. I plan on eating regular and drinking lots of water. Lets see if that helps. I slept well last night. I did not wake up at all, although I was awake before the alarm clock. I estimate that I sleep for blocks of about five to five and a half hours at a time. Probably par for the course at my age. I am sticking to my vitamin schedule religiously. I have only had a mild case of RLS once since I got back on track with the multi vitamins. Nothing serious enough to keep me from falling asleep.

Mentally I am great. I am not really in the mood for doing any work today. I however am in the mood to work on my book. I am tempted to close my office door and spend the day like that. For some strange reason, people don't bother me then.

Emotionally I am fine. I had a twinge, but once I re-read M's pecker comment I just burst out laughing. People must think I am insane. I think today is going to be another fair day on this aspect for me. Each day is another brick in the foundation.

Well, traffic was a female dog today. It seems as if I have to leave home earlier and earlier everyday to beat it. We had fatalities on the road last night and again this morning. Commonplace enough with our taxi situation.

I have noticed a lot more grey hair lately. I wonder if age is catching up with me. My smoking buddy commented on it yesterday. I reckon it makes me look distinguished. Well that is my story and I am sticking to it.

On a more serious note. I notice that the relapse rate is getting higher. It is fairly easy to see in the posts. Doubt creeps in. "I don't know about this.........". The only thing I can say - go back and read your posts very carefully. Then go back and re-read those posts of the people that have relapsed, but tread the entries before the relapse occurs - you will see what I mean.

OMD, saoutchick - hand in there chaps. I am rooting for you.

Be safe and be strong.

Cheers,

ZAB

ZaBoozer

Good evening all,

I have reached the end of day fifty. The weather was rather nice here today. I do have the fireplace going, bit of an overkill. Business first.

Physically I am good. I had a little bit of fatigue this afternoon. It has passed and I am hoping for a good nights sleep. I did get my headache this afternoon, but it is coming later in the day now. I did eat well, unfortunately though I drank way too much coffee and not enough water. I also smoked way too much.

Mentally I am fine. I didn't do much work today, but I could keep my mind occupied with other things. I am paying more attention and really listening to what people say during conversations, instead of interrupting. A new thing for me as I have never been much into casual conversation.

Emotionally I am ok. The day was for the most part stable. Baby steps.

I did some more tiling of the patio this afternoon. I have now completed a third of what I need to do. This does not worry me though. I may work slower than the builders, but I work a lot neater than them. I am really impressed with how it is turning out. It is physical work and it stimulates me mentally. The creative juices flow with the selection and placement of each tile.

Other than that, a rather boring uneventful day.

Be strong and be safe.

Cheers,

ZAB

ZaBoozer

Good morning all,

Well today we start day fifty one. Traffic is getting worse. I am not sure what is going on any more on the roads. Well, to the business end.

Physically I am fine. I slept well. I did not have interrupted sleep at all. I am still waking before the alarm clock, but that is no train smash. I did have a headache this morning. It comes and it goes. The intensity is not as bad as before. This is one of the last symptoms I have left and it sure is taking its time to go. I will be patient.

Mentally I am good. I did battle a little to focus yesterday. My mind wants to wander all over the place. It has become a battle to force it to focus on where I want it to focus. I find that the only way to calm it at the moment is to keep busy with something physical.

Emotionally I am ok. I am stable. That is something. I am not sure that the emotional turmoil that I am experiencing is due to recovery from the booze, but will continue to note it.

Well, I am sitting here looking down out over the city centre. The sun is not up yet, it is only starting to poke it's face over the horizon. The sky is clear, but there is a little smog on the skyline.

It is at moments like this that I get to reflect over the past while and to make an accounting of where I am at. In summary, I am in a way better place than where I was fifty one days ago. Was it hard for me? No. Of course there were and still are moments when the AV jumps on my shoulder. But other than the first week, there was never a physical anguish or turmoil where I needed to drink. It is very unlike stopping smoking where the craving is physical. This has been more of a mental battle. I think I am starting to understand why they say alcoholism is a mental disease. I still have a lot to learn about this.

I initially started out to detox for twenty one days. When I reached that stage, I didn't know if I could control the drink, so I just continued to abstain. Sounds easy right - well yes and no, I am just like a sheep and so I carried on. Not much thinking there. I then reached day fifty and took stock. Could I control the drink now? The answer I am afraid to say is still no. It is in my face, never mind deep down inside. If I take that first drink - I will drink to the point of oblivion. And I can promise you, I will drink the next day to get rid of the hangover. So if that is the answer at this stage, I will continue to abstain. Will that answer ever change? I don't know, but I doubt it.

How do I know this? Well it is pretty easy. The old timers have warned us before - we will be back to where we started in no time at all. I am different, you say? Well maybe you are. I prefer to just take the evidence at face value. Go and read the relapse posts that have happened recently. I don't think it took very long for those people to get right back into the swing of things. In fact, most were drinking as much or more on the first day already. That is more than enough proof for me.

Be safe and be strong.

Cheers,

ZAB

Fluffer

Nice post, ZAB, but I'm a little concerned with the excerpt above. We've seen a lot of people go down in flames recently and it seems to me like they often telegraph their impending relapse by adopting waffle like language in place of their former more firm statements against return to drink. Let's lock the gate on this thing forever. Put the dagger in its heart.

I hope I'm reading too much into this and you're doing fine. Rootin' for ya!

ZaBoozer

Hi Fluffer,

Sorry for that. I appreciate the concern. That statement was not meant to be taken on its own. I should perhaps have made it clearer. It was a hook to finish the paragraph and lead into the next. I was trying to get across, without being to blunt, that if there is any doubt about controlling drink - we cannot drink. I deliberately put that in as this seems to be where most of the relapses are happening. People wonder that they now have a bit of sobriety under their belt whether they have beaten this thing and can now control it - then too late. I am really trying to say, if there is any doubt - stay away. Like, just don't entertain the thought?

Once again, I do apologise if it doesn't explain very well what I was trying to do and I hope this clears it up.

I am "A" ok as the Yanks say.

Cheers,

ZAB

Della1968

Hi I started out much like you not sure how long I would abstain. Now I know in my heart it needs to be forever. Some recent posts have definitely sealed the deal for me as well. I think I get very frustrated by them because it brings that dark place back so vividly and no one has to live that way. Great post. Good luck with traffic.

ZaBoozer

Hi Della,

Ta a lot, much appreciated.

The recent posts have not been good to read for many of us I am sure. For my part, it really woke the AV up and it created feelings of frustration and anger. In part it is perhaps as you say, bringing back that dark place, but to be fair it is also anger and frustration at myself for feeling so tempted. It is really hard to read a post like that and not feel anything.

I try not to think too far into the future. That can become too overwhelming. Instead, I take it in baby steps and one day at a time. Nice bite sized chunks.

Cheers,

ZAB

Fluffer

BTW, what's up with that keep your pecker up signature? Are you being sponsored by Viagra now?

ZaBoozer

Not at all Fluffer, martina12 used it in an earlier post in this thread. She used it as an English colloquism to indicate keeping ones chin up - my reaction was the same as yours. So I am going to include all the brilliant sayings that I come across in this thread in my signature.

saoutchik

Zab I think when I first quit I entertained thoughts that maybe after say three months I might feel like I would have reset the the clock and could maybe have the occasional drink like a normal person but pretty soon reading posts on SR disabled me of that notion. Now after 4+ months sober I am painfully aware that I cannot drink "normal"

I'm know it's the same for others in early recovery because I have read their posts and like them I sometimes feel a deep loss that I can't drink (like the bank holiday weekend just gone). The good thing is that people who have been sober a long time don't miss it and to be fair neither do I for 90% of the time.

Thinking about "normal" drinking is just a comfort blanket

Hey, all this talk of peckers being kept up - I live in London's East End, home of cockney rhyming slang. I have two words to say on the subject. Hampton Wick

ZaBoozer

I hear you saoutchick, I don't usually think that far ahead. Too scared to at the moment.

The posts have scared the living day lights out of me. So I don't even entertain the luxury of thought. The problem with the posts though, is that they get the AV really humming along. I have to stay away from SR for a while as the posts just get too close to home. I am not that far into sobriety that I have forgotten the drunken arguments etc.

Saoutchick, you are going to have to take the pecker fight up with martina12. It is all her fault. Besides, it gets tounges wagging.

Calicofish

Zab - I remember reading your very first post here and thinking to myself, this guy is going to make it. Why? I cannot put it into words, but I can usually tell by the tone of someone's post whether they are serious about sobriety or whether they are just "kicking the tires". So, congratulations to you on your 50 days - that is wonderful. Keep up the good work.

I noticed you posted up thread about recent relapses. I can smell a relapse coming on (usually) from the way people post too. It's like they are priming the pump (and you don't have that smell).

Stay strong.
CF

ccam1973

ZAB, glad to hear you are staying strong and keeping your pecker up!

That's an important part of the game.

I for one had to eliminate any chance of drinking again. After way too many day one's I finally made it a solid 9 months back in 2013. I always left the door open to drinking again; even though I told myself that I probably wouldn't. "Probably" being the operative word.

A day came when on a scalloping trip I said ok to my AV since I had never thrown in the towel completely. I still remember that beer. It took the better part of the next year and a half to get myself back. I progressed into drinking in the mornings and at work. Somehow, I was able to convince myself that my actions were warranted, justified and completely normal.

After that experience, I know there is no more "probably" in my sober vocabulary.

Stay strong ZAB! You are doing great.

ZaBoozer

Good evening all,

Well it is the end of day fifty one for me. I am sitting here sharing the bed with the cats in a cinnamon infused room. I have put three sticks into the humidifier on the fireplace. Smells like heaven. Business first.

Physically I am good. I had a little bit of fatigue on the way home, but that has passed. I am feeling pleasantly tired. I expect I shall have another good nights sleep. I had a headache earlier on that has now passed. My appetite was good today. Full breakfast, lunch and dinner. So all is good on this side.

Mentally I am ok. I did not have much work to keep me occupied. I spent much of my day reading posts here on SR and talking sh*t with my smoking buddy. Not much of a mental thing I know, but it was great for my personal interaction skills.

Emotionally I m fine. I had my moments, but they were few and far between.

The AV didn't bug me too much today. I am grateful for that. I didn't do any tiling today. I just felt like a lazy day for a change. It happens and I grabbed it with both hands. Perhaps part of me is procrastinating now that the renovations are coming to an end and I don't want to let go of it. I am going to have to start thinking about a new project in the mean time.

I was waiting for a broadcast from parliament this evening where some minister is supposed to explain what the president has to pay back for his new mansion. The broadcast was canceled. Surprise. The broadcast will now take place tomorrow. We wait with bated breath.

Well I am going to try for an early night.

Be safe and be strong.

Cheers,

ZAB

ZaBoozer

Ta a lot CF, much appreciated.

My fault, I didn't explain the thought fully. I was just trying to get across that - we are either for full abstinence or not. There can be no middle ground. The moment of "maybe" or "just one" is the moment of relapse.

Thanks for the smell comment, I do use deodorant. Seriously though, I know what you mean. It is sad because you can see the buildup in the posts.

Cheers,

ZAB

ZaBoozer

Ta ccam, much appreciated.

I hear you on the use of words my man. I was trying to use the words as they appeared exactly in the relapse posts recently to highlight where the thought already is in control. I guess I need to work on getting the message across more clearly.

Will do mate, no worries.

Cheers,

ZAB

ZaBoozer

Good morning all,

Today is the start if day fifty two. The sun is coming up. There is smog on the horizon. The joys of living in the city. Lets get the business out of the way.

Physically I am so so. I did not sleep well at all last night. I kept waking up. Although it was easy to go back to sleep, I just did not feel like getting out of bed this morning. The only thing that I can think of is that I forgot to take my vitamins last night although I am not sure of this is related in any way. I have a headache this morning. It is fading because I have taken something for it. I am famished so this is always a good thing for me. I cant remember ever feeling famished while I was on the sauce.

Mentally I am good. I have a little bit of work to do. It does not require much thought but it should keep my busy for a bit. I always have my conversation and people skills to brush up.

Emotionally I am ok. Well it is still early in the morning but I am calm. I don't expect too much drama today.

Today should be an interesting day. Well, from the political viewpoint that is. We now have a South African implicated in the FIFA debacle. We are supposed to find out how much our dear president should pay back for his huge mansion. More doom and gloom in the news.

I read an interesting story in my book last night. It involved poaching in the Serengeti. I really hope that their politicians come to their senses and realise what they stand to lose if they let it continue to slide.

Well time for a smoke and a cup of coffee.

Be safe and be strong.

Cheers,

ZAB