2 Days in (48 Hours)
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Originally Posted by Cauliflower 
Well, I am all caught up once again. I love a cold NA beer every once in awhile too. I am glad you are doing so well! Take care Zab!
Our NA beer is not that great. I miss the beer taste - the bitterness balance. The problem lies in the process with mass production. On a homebrew scale it is possible to make great tasting NA beers.
Take it easy there.
Cheers,
ZAB
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Originally Posted by itstheone
that book helped me QUIT 4 yrs ago. best ever.. read twice!
Just not my sort of reading. E-Cig with homeopathic liquid helped me. Zero nicotine.
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Originally Posted by Olivia2011
Hi cape town, franshoek wine town, simbabili Safari @ Krueger, then Mauritius This is where they went in Africa!
Hmmm... I have to get my feet checked! Some women aren't built to run if u know what I mean! Can only strap em down so tight!! LOL! Crude I know!
Well good day and I let u give us a real update!
I tried to put a smiley face but can't figure it out.
I'll look at it later
Keep on KO !!!
BL !
Gotta find some humor in this life. I hear I'm funny as sh*t except when I was drunk of course.
Olivia
Hmmm... I have to get my feet checked! Some women aren't built to run if u know what I mean! Can only strap em down so tight!! LOL! Crude I know!
Well good day and I let u give us a real update!
I tried to put a smiley face but can't figure it out.
I'll look at it later
Keep on KO !!!
BL !
Gotta find some humor in this life. I hear I'm funny as sh*t except when I was drunk of course.
Olivia
Ok. CT is not my cup of tea. Beautiful, but not my type of people. Too touristy. Kruger park - I spent four years up that side of the country working on a project so I was there almost every weekend. Mauritius - never been. I have been to Zanzibar a few times instead. Less commercial and I am not into nightlife.
Haha, yes but you do get a sports bra?
Shoes are the most important thing in running. It has all got to do with the natural action of your foot. If you have the right shoe for your action, it will cushion and take the shock away.Have a good one.
Cheers,
ZAB
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Good morning all,
So we start day forty five. Sun is out and the skies are blue. It is a nice autumn day outside and has the makings to be a good one. Business first.
Physically I am great this morning. I slept well last night. No sign of the RLS. So I think that I was definitely short of something in the multi vitamin. I suspect that it was magnesium. I really didn't want to get up this morning. I am sleeping about 4,5 hours per night at this stage. This is partly my own fault as I read late into the night. I am going to try and increase the sleep time though. I woke up with a slight headache this morning - this has since faded. I am famished this morning. I think I am going to have to start eating breakfast in the mornings. On the whole, I think that the body is getting there with the physical recovery.
Mentally I am good. I am excited about today. I am not sure why. I just feel good and the brain is working well.
Emotionally I am in a good space today. This goes hand in hand with the mental state. I am upbeat and cant wait to get stuck in. I am feeling more positive about the future both professional and personal. No point in worrying too much about the things you have no influence over. What will be will be.
Well I have a lot of stuff on my desk that seems to have materialised out of nowhere. I will work through it this morning. First though - coffee and a smoke.
Be safe and be strong.
Cheers,
ZAB
So we start day forty five. Sun is out and the skies are blue. It is a nice autumn day outside and has the makings to be a good one. Business first.
Physically I am great this morning. I slept well last night. No sign of the RLS. So I think that I was definitely short of something in the multi vitamin. I suspect that it was magnesium. I really didn't want to get up this morning. I am sleeping about 4,5 hours per night at this stage. This is partly my own fault as I read late into the night. I am going to try and increase the sleep time though. I woke up with a slight headache this morning - this has since faded. I am famished this morning. I think I am going to have to start eating breakfast in the mornings. On the whole, I think that the body is getting there with the physical recovery.
Mentally I am good. I am excited about today. I am not sure why. I just feel good and the brain is working well.
Emotionally I am in a good space today. This goes hand in hand with the mental state. I am upbeat and cant wait to get stuck in. I am feeling more positive about the future both professional and personal. No point in worrying too much about the things you have no influence over. What will be will be.
Well I have a lot of stuff on my desk that seems to have materialised out of nowhere. I will work through it this morning. First though - coffee and a smoke.
Be safe and be strong.
Cheers,
ZAB
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Good evening all,
Well we have reached the end of day forty five. I am sitting here in front of a very cosy fire as I type this to you. To give you an idea of how toasty it is the room temperature is 29°C or 84°F. Very cosy indeed. Business first as usual.
Physically I am great. I am a little tired. I didn't have too much fatigue today. I am going to try and get an early night tonight. Hopefully I will get a full nights sleep. I did take something for my headache this morning. It has not returned. I ate well today. Dinner was chips, fish, chicken and vegetables to give you an idea (I am not a big person either). So the appetite is good. My smoking is getting less. All in all the physical side is good.
Mentally, it was a good day. I got a lot of work done with the minimal of issue. I still have a lot on my plate tomorrow, but it is more than doable. I am enjoying the reading and the social interaction that I am exposed to at the moment. So that is great.
Emotionally it was a reasonably stable day. I was occupied for most moments with something or other. I think this is what helped keep the balance. It is almost weekend again and I think I will have to guard against the L out of HALT. I might even try and catch a movie.
The AV was present again today. It seems to pop up with some of the posts I have read here on SR. I am not sure why though. Some of the stories are not even remotely related to booze. I will have to give it some thought as to what the heck it is in that sort of post that triggers me.
The cats are loving the fire. They don't even come down and greet me when I get home. If I want to see them, I have to go upstairs. I will typically find them sprawled out all over the bed, bellies in the air. They don't like the cold either.
The house is taking form. I have found that I don't need to worry about trying to accumulate a dishwasher full of stuff before I can use it, I just put whatever I used into the machine and run a rinse cycle. I only have to run the wash cycle when the machine is full. I cannot believe that I have never come across this magic machine before.
Well, bed time for me. The news is too depressing to listen to. Sometimes I really wonder about our politicians here in SA.
Be safe and be strong.
Cheers,
ZAB
Well we have reached the end of day forty five. I am sitting here in front of a very cosy fire as I type this to you. To give you an idea of how toasty it is the room temperature is 29°C or 84°F. Very cosy indeed. Business first as usual.
Physically I am great. I am a little tired. I didn't have too much fatigue today. I am going to try and get an early night tonight. Hopefully I will get a full nights sleep. I did take something for my headache this morning. It has not returned. I ate well today. Dinner was chips, fish, chicken and vegetables to give you an idea (I am not a big person either). So the appetite is good. My smoking is getting less. All in all the physical side is good.
Mentally, it was a good day. I got a lot of work done with the minimal of issue. I still have a lot on my plate tomorrow, but it is more than doable. I am enjoying the reading and the social interaction that I am exposed to at the moment. So that is great.
Emotionally it was a reasonably stable day. I was occupied for most moments with something or other. I think this is what helped keep the balance. It is almost weekend again and I think I will have to guard against the L out of HALT. I might even try and catch a movie.
The AV was present again today. It seems to pop up with some of the posts I have read here on SR. I am not sure why though. Some of the stories are not even remotely related to booze. I will have to give it some thought as to what the heck it is in that sort of post that triggers me.
The cats are loving the fire. They don't even come down and greet me when I get home. If I want to see them, I have to go upstairs. I will typically find them sprawled out all over the bed, bellies in the air. They don't like the cold either.
The house is taking form. I have found that I don't need to worry about trying to accumulate a dishwasher full of stuff before I can use it, I just put whatever I used into the machine and run a rinse cycle. I only have to run the wash cycle when the machine is full. I cannot believe that I have never come across this magic machine before.
Well, bed time for me. The news is too depressing to listen to. Sometimes I really wonder about our politicians here in SA.
Be safe and be strong.
Cheers,
ZAB
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Good morning all,
It is the start of day forty six for me. The sun is out and shining. It is actually not too cold outside. A bit smoggy from my office window, but it is the start of the weekend. Business first as usual.
Physically I am great. I slept well last night. I woke twice, but it was not too difficult to get back to sleep. My head was sort of "headachey" this morning. More fuzzy than pain. It fades. I think it is just the tender head feeling that I am waking with. I am famished this morning. I really must start doing breakfast at home.
Mentally I am fine. I am busy with what I need to get done.
Emotionally it has started ok. I hope that it continues like this for the rest of the day.
Well, time for a smoke. Then a meeting. Then some work.
Be safe and be strong.
Cheers,
Craig
It is the start of day forty six for me. The sun is out and shining. It is actually not too cold outside. A bit smoggy from my office window, but it is the start of the weekend. Business first as usual.
Physically I am great. I slept well last night. I woke twice, but it was not too difficult to get back to sleep. My head was sort of "headachey" this morning. More fuzzy than pain. It fades. I think it is just the tender head feeling that I am waking with. I am famished this morning. I really must start doing breakfast at home.
Mentally I am fine. I am busy with what I need to get done.
Emotionally it has started ok. I hope that it continues like this for the rest of the day.
Well, time for a smoke. Then a meeting. Then some work.
Be safe and be strong.
Cheers,
Craig
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Good evening all,
It is the end of day forty six for me and the start of another sober weekend. It is very windy and cold outside. Not nice at all. Business first.
Physically I am good. I am a little tired. It is good to have the work week behind me. I hope to get a good nights sleep in. My sleep has improved since those early days, but I am waiting in anticipation for a full night without waking. It has been so long and I have forgotten what it feels like. My headache did not come back today. My coffee intake is down to three cups per day. I ate well, beef curry for lunch and mac & cheese for dinner. I am drinking lots of water so I think all this helps.
Mentally I am a bit down. My mind is just not up to thinking at the moment. I think I need a night off. Maybe I should just put on some mindless movie and set the sleep to kick in. I suppose this ties in with the emotional aspect.
Emotionally it was an ok day, well until I got home. Most of the day was stable, but it went pear from when I got home. The L from HALT really stepped up a notch today. I think in part it had to do with a post that I read and commented on. It seems that a lot of people are relapsing lately. I suppose that this gets me down a bit.
The recurring pattern with these relapses seems to be this. Get pissed, get on SR, announce to the world that you're drinking and then get clever. I guess I forgot how witty and wise we become when we do drink. I think that in writing this down I have pretty much found what triggered me today. Anger? Frustration? Yes. Why? I am not sure. Sometimes I think that we should call it as it is. Why do we have to be so nice to the person sitting on the other end flaunting this in our faces? Is it human nature that we cannot ignore the drunkenness and feel that we can help someone who is pissed and not interested in what is being said at that moment? I suppose that the sad part is that I can see exactly how I was through these events. There was no convincing me to sleep it off. I had all the answers and I had to convince everybody I was right. The more I drank - the more right I was. The more anyone argued - the more I would argue. Sad, but true.
Well, I have had my rant. I hope the weekend is going to go well. I have the blasted builders in again tomorrow. I am hoping against all hope that they actually finish tomorrow. They need to get done before I can get the cupboard fitters in. I am starting to get impatient with this process now and cannot wait to see what is in my minds eye in reality.
I plan on working on the book this weekend. I have quite a few things that I still need to fill in. The good thing is that the EB has not pulled the framework to pieces. I guess she will do that when she has the meat.
A positive thing though. I went to lunch with a colleague today. He is not a drinker. We went back to the same pub as earlier in the week. They make really good food. My colleague had a TAB and I had a NA beer. We had a great meal and left. I did not feel anxious at all. It just goes to show - a lot of has got to do with the company you are with.
Be safe and be strong.
Cheers,
ZAB
It is the end of day forty six for me and the start of another sober weekend. It is very windy and cold outside. Not nice at all. Business first.
Physically I am good. I am a little tired. It is good to have the work week behind me. I hope to get a good nights sleep in. My sleep has improved since those early days, but I am waiting in anticipation for a full night without waking. It has been so long and I have forgotten what it feels like. My headache did not come back today. My coffee intake is down to three cups per day. I ate well, beef curry for lunch and mac & cheese for dinner. I am drinking lots of water so I think all this helps.
Mentally I am a bit down. My mind is just not up to thinking at the moment. I think I need a night off. Maybe I should just put on some mindless movie and set the sleep to kick in. I suppose this ties in with the emotional aspect.
Emotionally it was an ok day, well until I got home. Most of the day was stable, but it went pear from when I got home. The L from HALT really stepped up a notch today. I think in part it had to do with a post that I read and commented on. It seems that a lot of people are relapsing lately. I suppose that this gets me down a bit.
The recurring pattern with these relapses seems to be this. Get pissed, get on SR, announce to the world that you're drinking and then get clever. I guess I forgot how witty and wise we become when we do drink. I think that in writing this down I have pretty much found what triggered me today. Anger? Frustration? Yes. Why? I am not sure. Sometimes I think that we should call it as it is. Why do we have to be so nice to the person sitting on the other end flaunting this in our faces? Is it human nature that we cannot ignore the drunkenness and feel that we can help someone who is pissed and not interested in what is being said at that moment? I suppose that the sad part is that I can see exactly how I was through these events. There was no convincing me to sleep it off. I had all the answers and I had to convince everybody I was right. The more I drank - the more right I was. The more anyone argued - the more I would argue. Sad, but true.
Well, I have had my rant. I hope the weekend is going to go well. I have the blasted builders in again tomorrow. I am hoping against all hope that they actually finish tomorrow. They need to get done before I can get the cupboard fitters in. I am starting to get impatient with this process now and cannot wait to see what is in my minds eye in reality.
I plan on working on the book this weekend. I have quite a few things that I still need to fill in. The good thing is that the EB has not pulled the framework to pieces. I guess she will do that when she has the meat.
A positive thing though. I went to lunch with a colleague today. He is not a drinker. We went back to the same pub as earlier in the week. They make really good food. My colleague had a TAB and I had a NA beer. We had a great meal and left. I did not feel anxious at all. It just goes to show - a lot of has got to do with the company you are with.
Be safe and be strong.
Cheers,
ZAB
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Good morning all,
So, we start day forty seven. It is Saturday and the start of another weekend. The birds are singing the sun in. The cats have been fed and so we get to the business.
Physically I am ok. I did not sleep well at all last night. I battled to get to sleep and then I kept waking up every hour and a bit or so. For some reason, I was very anxious. My legs were a little restless. I am not sure what happened. Maybe a once off? I woke with the headache from hell this morning. As usual, I am waking up before dawn. Somehow I just wake at this time. Maybe I am just not meant to be a sober late sleeper.
Mentally I am good. My mind is back this morning. I think it also needs a rest sometimes. I have a lot on my mind and I seem to be coping with it. Part of it has to do with my wife and the future and part of it is really trying to analyse and make sure of my formulation. More on this later.
Emotionally I am ok. Well so far. Usually I would have had the first twinges already. This morning I am strangely calm. A good sign I am sure and partly because of my mind.
So what is this formulation then? Well I have created my NA beer recipe. The style is for a amber mild. The process involves two steps for now. The actual making of the beer, and then the second step to remove the alcohol but keep the taste. The brew should come in around 2,9%ABV after the first step. The second step is to evaporate the alcohol out of the beer. This involves very strict temperature control. Everything looks good on paper and the maths is sound. We all know that reality is different. I am rather anxious about this and am like a mother hen fussing over her chicks.
Well, I will only know the results in approximately fourteen days from now. One of my colleagues, a chemist and a home brewer, has agreed to test it for me when it is done. There are two tests that he will conduct, one which revolves around measuring a fixed sample for weight and one with a gas chromatograph. As you can imagine, we cannot skimp on the tests as we have to be very sure. As we have access to this equipment, I have asked him to test each batch to make sure. One cannot rely on just the recipe and the process alone.
I really think there is an opportunity for NA craft beer. The interest from work as well as our home brewers association is overwhelming to say the least. It seems that there is a new awareness in SA about NA beer. Or rather, I am only noticing it now as a sober person.
Well, the ingredients are out. The cats have been fed. I just have to jump through the bath. I am waiting for the builders, please let them finish today. Other than that, it is just a normal sober Saturday.
Be safe and be strong.
Cheers,
ZAB
So, we start day forty seven. It is Saturday and the start of another weekend. The birds are singing the sun in. The cats have been fed and so we get to the business.
Physically I am ok. I did not sleep well at all last night. I battled to get to sleep and then I kept waking up every hour and a bit or so. For some reason, I was very anxious. My legs were a little restless. I am not sure what happened. Maybe a once off? I woke with the headache from hell this morning. As usual, I am waking up before dawn. Somehow I just wake at this time. Maybe I am just not meant to be a sober late sleeper.
Mentally I am good. My mind is back this morning. I think it also needs a rest sometimes. I have a lot on my mind and I seem to be coping with it. Part of it has to do with my wife and the future and part of it is really trying to analyse and make sure of my formulation. More on this later.
Emotionally I am ok. Well so far. Usually I would have had the first twinges already. This morning I am strangely calm. A good sign I am sure and partly because of my mind.
So what is this formulation then? Well I have created my NA beer recipe. The style is for a amber mild. The process involves two steps for now. The actual making of the beer, and then the second step to remove the alcohol but keep the taste. The brew should come in around 2,9%ABV after the first step. The second step is to evaporate the alcohol out of the beer. This involves very strict temperature control. Everything looks good on paper and the maths is sound. We all know that reality is different. I am rather anxious about this and am like a mother hen fussing over her chicks.
Well, I will only know the results in approximately fourteen days from now. One of my colleagues, a chemist and a home brewer, has agreed to test it for me when it is done. There are two tests that he will conduct, one which revolves around measuring a fixed sample for weight and one with a gas chromatograph. As you can imagine, we cannot skimp on the tests as we have to be very sure. As we have access to this equipment, I have asked him to test each batch to make sure. One cannot rely on just the recipe and the process alone.
I really think there is an opportunity for NA craft beer. The interest from work as well as our home brewers association is overwhelming to say the least. It seems that there is a new awareness in SA about NA beer. Or rather, I am only noticing it now as a sober person.
Well, the ingredients are out. The cats have been fed. I just have to jump through the bath. I am waiting for the builders, please let them finish today. Other than that, it is just a normal sober Saturday.
Be safe and be strong.
Cheers,
ZAB
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Location: Johannesburg, Gauteng, South Africa
Posts: 1,371
Originally Posted by marie5465
Looking forward to a 'normal sober Saturday' here too Zab, isn't that just wonderful in itself? Have a good one 
Have a fabulous day.
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Good evening all,
Well I have reached the end of day forty seven. Today really didn't go as planned, the builders didn't pitch. Sometimes things just don't go as planned. Business first.
Physically I am tired. I hope I sleep better than last night. My headache has been a constant companion today. I am hoping that it will go in my sleep.
Mentally I have been great the whole day. This evening my mind just wants to rest. I am going to put some mindless film on and just take it from there.
Emotionally the day started well. This evening the emotions started to swing all over the place. It has tired me out.
The cats have been my constant companion today. I wish I could speak cat. The little black one has become most vocal. She follows me everywhere and does not stop speaking. It is quite special, she even expects her water bowl to be re-filled each time I refill my water glass. They have both taken to sharing my ice cream with me. What next?
Well I am going to keep this short - shattered.
Be safe and be strong.
Cheers,
ZAB
Well I have reached the end of day forty seven. Today really didn't go as planned, the builders didn't pitch. Sometimes things just don't go as planned. Business first.
Physically I am tired. I hope I sleep better than last night. My headache has been a constant companion today. I am hoping that it will go in my sleep.
Mentally I have been great the whole day. This evening my mind just wants to rest. I am going to put some mindless film on and just take it from there.
Emotionally the day started well. This evening the emotions started to swing all over the place. It has tired me out.
The cats have been my constant companion today. I wish I could speak cat. The little black one has become most vocal. She follows me everywhere and does not stop speaking. It is quite special, she even expects her water bowl to be re-filled each time I refill my water glass. They have both taken to sharing my ice cream with me. What next?
Well I am going to keep this short - shattered.
Be safe and be strong.
Cheers,
ZAB
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Good morning all,
So it is the start of day forty eight for me. Sunday and the sun is out. Another weekend almost done. To the business.
Physically I am good. I slept ok last night. I did not wake up at all. I do not drink caffeine at home so that might be part of it. My headache was absent this morning - another plus. I am famished. I counted that I smoked less than a pack yesterday. So all good on this side.
Mentally I am good. I have a bit of work to do today. Both physically and mentally. The builders didn't pitch again, so I have decided to do the patio tiling myself. Then I have work, work.
Emotionally I am ok. The longer I am sober the harder the weekends become. I suppose I have too much time on my hands to think. L is a big factor in this. I have to stick to my timeframe and my goals. It will get better with time.
I am kind of pissed off this morning. I know I have no right to be. I read a post from someone who started around the same time as me and that has now relapsed. I can recognize my own drunken behaviour in their post. I suppose it is just way to close to home for comfort.
Well I have to get to the tile shop quickly before traffic builds up in this part of the world. The cats are fed and morning chores are done. It is going to be a good day - even if I have to force it into submission.
Be safe and be strong.
Cheers,
ZAB
So it is the start of day forty eight for me. Sunday and the sun is out. Another weekend almost done. To the business.
Physically I am good. I slept ok last night. I did not wake up at all. I do not drink caffeine at home so that might be part of it. My headache was absent this morning - another plus. I am famished. I counted that I smoked less than a pack yesterday. So all good on this side.
Mentally I am good. I have a bit of work to do today. Both physically and mentally. The builders didn't pitch again, so I have decided to do the patio tiling myself. Then I have work, work.
Emotionally I am ok. The longer I am sober the harder the weekends become. I suppose I have too much time on my hands to think. L is a big factor in this. I have to stick to my timeframe and my goals. It will get better with time.
I am kind of pissed off this morning. I know I have no right to be. I read a post from someone who started around the same time as me and that has now relapsed. I can recognize my own drunken behaviour in their post. I suppose it is just way to close to home for comfort.
Well I have to get to the tile shop quickly before traffic builds up in this part of the world. The cats are fed and morning chores are done. It is going to be a good day - even if I have to force it into submission.
Be safe and be strong.
Cheers,
ZAB
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I love your attitude in your day to day life, Zab!
The builders don't show up? That'd drive me mad and yet, there's something to be said about just getting on with it. You'll get things done as you can and I'm in the camp of wanting to see some photos of your home improvements.
I've struggled in the past to find new posters to follow or different times of the day/night to do the majority of my reading. Even tho' I'm not big on posting at all, I can never say enough good things about the Cafe' (the Whiner's section in particular) and some of the secular threads are really enlightening. I've also taken breaks, sometimes for a few days, sometimes a few months and a couple times I think I took a year off. You'll find what works best for you on SR. I'm sure of that.
Mega congrats on your 48th!
The builders don't show up? That'd drive me mad and yet, there's something to be said about just getting on with it. You'll get things done as you can and I'm in the camp of wanting to see some photos of your home improvements.
I've struggled in the past to find new posters to follow or different times of the day/night to do the majority of my reading. Even tho' I'm not big on posting at all, I can never say enough good things about the Cafe' (the Whiner's section in particular) and some of the secular threads are really enlightening. I've also taken breaks, sometimes for a few days, sometimes a few months and a couple times I think I took a year off. You'll find what works best for you on SR. I'm sure of that.
Mega congrats on your 48th!
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Originally Posted by Lethe
I love your attitude in your day to day life, Zab!
The builders don't show up? That'd drive me mad and yet, there's something to be said about just getting on with it. You'll get things done as you can and I'm in the camp of wanting to see some photos of your home improvements.
I've struggled in the past to find new posters to follow or different times of the day/night to do the majority of my reading. Even tho' I'm not big on posting at all, I can never say enough good things about the Cafe' (the Whiner's section in particular) and some of the secular threads are really enlightening. I've also taken breaks, sometimes for a few days, sometimes a few months and a couple times I think I took a year off. You'll find what works best for you on SR. I'm sure of that.
Mega congrats on your 48th!
The builders don't show up? That'd drive me mad and yet, there's something to be said about just getting on with it. You'll get things done as you can and I'm in the camp of wanting to see some photos of your home improvements.
I've struggled in the past to find new posters to follow or different times of the day/night to do the majority of my reading. Even tho' I'm not big on posting at all, I can never say enough good things about the Cafe' (the Whiner's section in particular) and some of the secular threads are really enlightening. I've also taken breaks, sometimes for a few days, sometimes a few months and a couple times I think I took a year off. You'll find what works best for you on SR. I'm sure of that.
Mega congrats on your 48th!
Ta for the kind words, much appreciated. I will definitely have a look at the forums you mentioned.
I have tried to upload pics to this forum, but it keeps telling me the images are too big. Any idea on how to make the file size smaller?
Cheers,
ZAB
Member
Join Date: Apr 2014
Location: Los Angeles, CA
Posts: 216
Wow, lovely fireplace!
I agree with you about the relapsing posting whilst drunk posts, but I just use it as a reminder of how utterly ridiculous I was when I was drunk; and how much I don't want to go back there.
I agree with you about the relapsing posting whilst drunk posts, but I just use it as a reminder of how utterly ridiculous I was when I was drunk; and how much I don't want to go back there.
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