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Originally Posted by OMD 
ZaB I had no idea you were writing this until someone mentioned it on our class thread. I wish I'd seen it before. We continue to move forward. Best wishes OMD
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Evening ZaB I had one of those down days that you described today last Sunday. I felt like I was being triggered and I just felt a bit overwhelmed with it all. However I pushed through, had an early night and felt so much better in the morning. Hope that you do too.....if not get posting on here for support?
M
M
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Originally Posted by martina12
Evening ZaB I had one of those down days that you described today last Sunday. I felt like I was being triggered and I just felt a bit overwhelmed with it all. However I pushed through, had an early night and felt so much better in the morning. Hope that you do too.....if not get posting on here for support? M
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Morning all,
So I am at the start of day thirty one. One whole month. More on this later, first to business.
Physically, I am good this morning. I did wake up during the night, but it was easy enough to get back to sleep. I woke with a splitting headache, but have since taken something for it. The numbness of the cheek is back this morning, but it is so slight. My complexion is also clearing up nicely. The skin blotches are almost gone. My muscles feel good, so it will be exercise for me today.
Mentally I am good. I don't have much planned for the day. There is some trade fair going on. I will try to visit it later in the day. It is always good to see the suppliers and to review what new technology they are bringing to the market.
Emotionally, I am ok. I hope today will be more stable than yesterday. I know that a lot of what I am going through is as a direct cause of the unresolved issues with my wife. Unfortunately we are in a state of limbo now where either one is to proud or to stubborn to contact the other. So the left hand does not know what the right hand is up to and visa versa. The down side to this is that I have never dealt with a situation like this sober. The upside is that I will have to learn. What doesn't kill you, makes you stronger.
Today, one whole month ago that I stopped drinking. It seems like so long ago, but yet it is like yesterday. The time has flown in some ways. I stopped one month after my thirty ninth birthday and today is one day short of two months since my wife moved out. In other ways it has dragged out and weighs heavily on my mind almost each waking minute.
To be honest, some things about stopping were none starters to me. I did not get a physical craving to drink at all. Other things though, really got me down. This I attribute to the AV. The things that really weighed me down were the things that tempted me to drink. I have seen this in other posts here on this forum. The factors that are mostly weighing down on people, especially those of us in this early stage, are those of HALT. I have to add to this and include arrogance. This is something I really need to guard against. It is one thing to be quietly confident, but totally another thing to think - Hey, look at me, I have got this thing beaten.
I have written about this before. We can almost see it in a post when someone is about to relapse. I went back and read yesterday mornings post and those leading up to it - yes you guessed it. Arrogance. Close call. Not only the arrogance of "having it under control" but the self pity to drink my emotional problems away. I have to be very wary now. If I am not, the burden can become too much and topple the scales. I cannot hide from things anymore. I now have to deal with them as they arise. I must face them full on in the knowledge that if I don't - the accumulated effect will be too much to handle.
The season is starting to change quicker this side. The mornings and evenings are getting very chilly. I have ordered a new fire place - one of those multi fuel closed combustion stoves that are so popular in Europe and the US. I will change it out with the one upstairs which is an open fireplace. I like the idea of fire burning through the night without having to get up and top it up.
This time of year marks the start of the trail running season. We are very lucky here in SA in that a lot of a trail runs are through very scenic countryside. There are even wild animals along the way. Not lions and things, but rather giraffe and those sort of animals. It really is stunning to be able to run in that sort of environment and I am looking forward to doing it without a hangover.
Be safe and be strong.
Cheers,
ZAB.
So I am at the start of day thirty one. One whole month. More on this later, first to business.
Physically, I am good this morning. I did wake up during the night, but it was easy enough to get back to sleep. I woke with a splitting headache, but have since taken something for it. The numbness of the cheek is back this morning, but it is so slight. My complexion is also clearing up nicely. The skin blotches are almost gone. My muscles feel good, so it will be exercise for me today.
Mentally I am good. I don't have much planned for the day. There is some trade fair going on. I will try to visit it later in the day. It is always good to see the suppliers and to review what new technology they are bringing to the market.
Emotionally, I am ok. I hope today will be more stable than yesterday. I know that a lot of what I am going through is as a direct cause of the unresolved issues with my wife. Unfortunately we are in a state of limbo now where either one is to proud or to stubborn to contact the other. So the left hand does not know what the right hand is up to and visa versa. The down side to this is that I have never dealt with a situation like this sober. The upside is that I will have to learn. What doesn't kill you, makes you stronger.
Today, one whole month ago that I stopped drinking. It seems like so long ago, but yet it is like yesterday. The time has flown in some ways. I stopped one month after my thirty ninth birthday and today is one day short of two months since my wife moved out. In other ways it has dragged out and weighs heavily on my mind almost each waking minute.
To be honest, some things about stopping were none starters to me. I did not get a physical craving to drink at all. Other things though, really got me down. This I attribute to the AV. The things that really weighed me down were the things that tempted me to drink. I have seen this in other posts here on this forum. The factors that are mostly weighing down on people, especially those of us in this early stage, are those of HALT. I have to add to this and include arrogance. This is something I really need to guard against. It is one thing to be quietly confident, but totally another thing to think - Hey, look at me, I have got this thing beaten.
I have written about this before. We can almost see it in a post when someone is about to relapse. I went back and read yesterday mornings post and those leading up to it - yes you guessed it. Arrogance. Close call. Not only the arrogance of "having it under control" but the self pity to drink my emotional problems away. I have to be very wary now. If I am not, the burden can become too much and topple the scales. I cannot hide from things anymore. I now have to deal with them as they arise. I must face them full on in the knowledge that if I don't - the accumulated effect will be too much to handle.
The season is starting to change quicker this side. The mornings and evenings are getting very chilly. I have ordered a new fire place - one of those multi fuel closed combustion stoves that are so popular in Europe and the US. I will change it out with the one upstairs which is an open fireplace. I like the idea of fire burning through the night without having to get up and top it up.
This time of year marks the start of the trail running season. We are very lucky here in SA in that a lot of a trail runs are through very scenic countryside. There are even wild animals along the way. Not lions and things, but rather giraffe and those sort of animals. It really is stunning to be able to run in that sort of environment and I am looking forward to doing it without a hangover.
Be safe and be strong.
Cheers,
ZAB.
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Good evening all,
So it is the end of day thirty one for me. It is rather chilly here. Apparently we are in for some cold weather over the weekend. Not a worry though, I have the fire going. Business first.
Physically I am tired. I did have a little bit of fatigue around 14H00 this afternoon. Not too much, but just enough to notice. My headache from this morning did not return. I did drink a reasonable amount of water and ate though. The cheek numbness is now absent this evening. I really think it is on its last legs now.
Mentally, it was an ok day. I did not have much work to think about, but I did carry on with my book. I went to the trade show. It was good to see the little bit of new technology that the suppliers have bought out. Not much has changed though.
Emotionally the day as normal. Well I suppose normal in the sense that it was not like yesterday. The twinges and anguish do come, but I am trying my best not to avoid it.
The trade fairs have always been a bad thing for my drinking. The different vendors give out free beer at their stalls. I was a bit worried about this, but I was ok. I went with a colleague who is in the loop with regards to what I am doing, so that was good. I would not like to do this alone though. He kept talking and pretty much kept my mind focussed on the things in hand.
The book is coming along nicely I think. I am writing down the stories and memories in the sequence they occurred. I feel sorry for EB. I think there might be a lot of culling. I have taken the advice and toned the language down. I find it more of a challenge to imply something while being subtle. Unfortunately this detracts a bit from how I really talk.
I have the fire going. I am forcing my way through this meditation book. It is not easy going. I wish the author would get to the point. There are too many references to things that could have been omitted. Be warned though, the book is like a precursor. You have to download the actual exercises. They are accessed through links in the book. The style of writing is very technical. It does not make for easy reading, unless you happen to be a psychologist or a theologist.
Other than that, my day seems to have been pretty stock standard. I am grateful for the respite in the emotional onslaught. It has given me time to catch my breath.
I am not alone in the people that are grouped around me with a similar sobriety count. I have noticed in some of the posts that people are experiencing similar AV attacks and temptations. This is reassuring. I am not alone in this fight.
Be safe and be strong.
Cheers,
ZAB
So it is the end of day thirty one for me. It is rather chilly here. Apparently we are in for some cold weather over the weekend. Not a worry though, I have the fire going. Business first.
Physically I am tired. I did have a little bit of fatigue around 14H00 this afternoon. Not too much, but just enough to notice. My headache from this morning did not return. I did drink a reasonable amount of water and ate though. The cheek numbness is now absent this evening. I really think it is on its last legs now.
Mentally, it was an ok day. I did not have much work to think about, but I did carry on with my book. I went to the trade show. It was good to see the little bit of new technology that the suppliers have bought out. Not much has changed though.
Emotionally the day as normal. Well I suppose normal in the sense that it was not like yesterday. The twinges and anguish do come, but I am trying my best not to avoid it.
The trade fairs have always been a bad thing for my drinking. The different vendors give out free beer at their stalls. I was a bit worried about this, but I was ok. I went with a colleague who is in the loop with regards to what I am doing, so that was good. I would not like to do this alone though. He kept talking and pretty much kept my mind focussed on the things in hand.
The book is coming along nicely I think. I am writing down the stories and memories in the sequence they occurred. I feel sorry for EB. I think there might be a lot of culling. I have taken the advice and toned the language down. I find it more of a challenge to imply something while being subtle. Unfortunately this detracts a bit from how I really talk.
I have the fire going. I am forcing my way through this meditation book. It is not easy going. I wish the author would get to the point. There are too many references to things that could have been omitted. Be warned though, the book is like a precursor. You have to download the actual exercises. They are accessed through links in the book. The style of writing is very technical. It does not make for easy reading, unless you happen to be a psychologist or a theologist.
Other than that, my day seems to have been pretty stock standard. I am grateful for the respite in the emotional onslaught. It has given me time to catch my breath.
I am not alone in the people that are grouped around me with a similar sobriety count. I have noticed in some of the posts that people are experiencing similar AV attacks and temptations. This is reassuring. I am not alone in this fight.
Be safe and be strong.
Cheers,
ZAB
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Good morning all,
Start of day thirty two here. It is freezing outside. This cold front is moving in with a vengeance. It is going to be a miserable day. The fog is hanging very low this morning and there is no hint of sunshine. Business as usual.
Physically I am ok. I did not sleep well last night. I kept waking up every two hours or so. The sleep was deep and I am rested, it is just the intermittent pattern that is bothering me. I woke with a splitting headache and had to take something for it. My appetite has eluded me the past few days. The cheek numbness is absent again this morning. My muscles feel good.
Mentally, I am fine. My memory is working overtime trying to recall incidents from my past for the book. I am quite proud of how far I seem to have gone back as well as the fact that I can recall the incidents in so much clarity. It is almost as if I am reliving them, both good and bad. I am sure they have a psychological technique for this - regression?
Emotionally I am ok this morning. I cant stop the feelings that attack me, but I can let them pass. It is about the best that I can do at this moment in time. I am sure that it will get better with time.
I have had the AV attacking me quite viciously this morning already. I do not have a physical craving for drink, but he bastard seems to think that I can go out and celebrate my sobriety. I will have to be extra vigilant this weekend. Luckily my plans do not include any social activities. The builders will come in to complete the last bit of work that they have to do. I can then move all the stuff out of my bedrooms and back into the kitchen cupboards. The fireplace people are coming to install my multi fuel stove. Seems like I am going to need it this weekend. I am in two minds as whether to install the open fireplace in the lounge or in the master guest room. I don't know as I don't really entertain guests.
Today should be interesting enough. I have departmental meetings most of the morning and then it is technical stuff for the rest of the day. I am looking forward to it as I hope that it will keep my mind busy. I will of course try to put a few words in to the book.
Be safe and be strong.
Cheers,
ZAB.
Start of day thirty two here. It is freezing outside. This cold front is moving in with a vengeance. It is going to be a miserable day. The fog is hanging very low this morning and there is no hint of sunshine. Business as usual.
Physically I am ok. I did not sleep well last night. I kept waking up every two hours or so. The sleep was deep and I am rested, it is just the intermittent pattern that is bothering me. I woke with a splitting headache and had to take something for it. My appetite has eluded me the past few days. The cheek numbness is absent again this morning. My muscles feel good.
Mentally, I am fine. My memory is working overtime trying to recall incidents from my past for the book. I am quite proud of how far I seem to have gone back as well as the fact that I can recall the incidents in so much clarity. It is almost as if I am reliving them, both good and bad. I am sure they have a psychological technique for this - regression?
Emotionally I am ok this morning. I cant stop the feelings that attack me, but I can let them pass. It is about the best that I can do at this moment in time. I am sure that it will get better with time.
I have had the AV attacking me quite viciously this morning already. I do not have a physical craving for drink, but he bastard seems to think that I can go out and celebrate my sobriety. I will have to be extra vigilant this weekend. Luckily my plans do not include any social activities. The builders will come in to complete the last bit of work that they have to do. I can then move all the stuff out of my bedrooms and back into the kitchen cupboards. The fireplace people are coming to install my multi fuel stove. Seems like I am going to need it this weekend. I am in two minds as whether to install the open fireplace in the lounge or in the master guest room. I don't know as I don't really entertain guests.
Today should be interesting enough. I have departmental meetings most of the morning and then it is technical stuff for the rest of the day. I am looking forward to it as I hope that it will keep my mind busy. I will of course try to put a few words in to the book.
Be safe and be strong.
Cheers,
ZAB.
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Originally Posted by ZaBoozer
What doesn't kill you, makes you stronger.
The factors that are mostly weighing down on people, especially those of us in this early stage, are those of HALT. I have to add to this and include arrogance. This is something I really need to guard against. It is one thing to be quietly confident, but totally another thing to think - Hey, look at me, I have got this thing beaten.
I have written about this before. We can almost see it in a post when someone is about to relapse. I went back and read yesterday mornings post and those leading up to it - yes you guessed it. Arrogance. Close call. Not only the arrogance of "having it under control" but the self pity to drink my emotional problems away. I have to be very wary now. If I am not, the burden can become too much and topple the scales. I cannot hide from things anymore. I now have to deal with them as they arise. I must face them full on in the knowledge that if I don't - the accumulated effect will be too much to handle.
The factors that are mostly weighing down on people, especially those of us in this early stage, are those of HALT. I have to add to this and include arrogance. This is something I really need to guard against. It is one thing to be quietly confident, but totally another thing to think - Hey, look at me, I have got this thing beaten.
I have written about this before. We can almost see it in a post when someone is about to relapse. I went back and read yesterday mornings post and those leading up to it - yes you guessed it. Arrogance. Close call. Not only the arrogance of "having it under control" but the self pity to drink my emotional problems away. I have to be very wary now. If I am not, the burden can become too much and topple the scales. I cannot hide from things anymore. I now have to deal with them as they arise. I must face them full on in the knowledge that if I don't - the accumulated effect will be too much to handle.
Yesterday I was so down and depressed. After I posted a whoa is me story, HALT came to mind. And indeed, I was Hungry, Angry, Lonely and Tired. All of the above. I ate, watched an episode of Ellen (gosh she is so goofy and funny), helped my son with his homework, and went to bed early. It worked, I feel so much better today. I just have to remember to eat.
Don't worry, you are not alone...
How are you dealing with your emotions Zab. I wonder if it's a good idea to just ignore them? One of these days, you will have to be the bigger person and set things straight.
Speaking of straight, your house sounds lovely! I would keep both fireplaces in my master during the winter months. It gets pretty darn cold in Canada, lol!
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Originally Posted by Cauliflower
Getting caught up! Yesterday I was so down and depressed. After I posted a whoa is me story, HALT came to mind. And indeed, I was Hungry, Angry, Lonely and Tired. All of the above. I ate, watched an episode of Ellen (gosh she is so goofy and funny), helped my son with his homework, and went to bed early. It worked, I feel so much better today. I just have to remember to eat. Don't worry, you are not alone... How are you dealing with your emotions Zab. I wonder if it's a good idea to just ignore them? One of these days, you will have to be the bigger person and set things straight. Speaking of straight, your house sounds lovely! I would keep both fireplaces in my master during the winter months. It gets pretty darn cold in Canada, lol!
I am not ignoring the emotions, If they enter, I notice them, but I try not to dwell on the at the moment. Almost like thoughts entering and leaving your mind. You see the thought, but you try not hold onto the thought. I hear you, but I can only set things straight once I have sorted me out. I know it might sound crazy, but I need to be absolutely sure of my decision in the end. After all there can be no turning back once the decision is made. The booze alone is not the only contributing factor here, there is interference from family, priorities etc. The more she put everything and everyone above me - the more I drank. So yes, there is a lot to resolve.
Haha, the one they are installing tomorrow will heat 500m2 easily. So the open one will have to go downstairs. The house is coming on. I am almost done inside. Tomorrow is the last building work, then I will paint. From there is is onto the garden. SA is nowhere near as cold as Canada.
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Originally Posted by Cauliflower
PS:"Running with Giraffes" sounds like a good book title to me!
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Originally Posted by biminiblue
Zab, have you thought about a quick doctor's visit to help figure out the headaches? I really enjoy reading your journal, you are going to help a lot of people. Blessings to you.
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Originally Posted by saoutchik
Yeah, well done on a calender month Zab.
Going to a Trade Fair myself soon - there will be no beers offered, either free or otherwise so no temptations on that score
Going to a Trade Fair myself soon - there will be no beers offered, either free or otherwise so no temptations on that score
Yip, the fairs here in SA are very relaxed. Drinking seems to be the national past time. The saying here - "only alcoholics go to meetings". I cannot imagine a bigger beer drinking nation.
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Good evening all,
I have reached the end of day thirty two and now face another weekend ahead. It will be my fifth sober weekend if my maths is working. I cant believe how time seems to be flying now. Well to the business.
Physically I am a little tired. The fatigue kicked in at around 14:00. My headache did not come back through the day. Although I did not have an appetite again today, I managed to eat breakfast and dinner. I wasn't so good with the water. Too many cups of coffee and too many cigarettes again today. I am really going to have to work on these bad habits. The numbness in my cheek reappeared sometime this afternoon, but it is only just noticeable. No exercise for me today other than physical work around the house, but my muscles feel good. I really need to break the smoking habit, I am smoking in the blasted car and house again.
Mentally I am fine. I did not have to do much thinking today, but when I did, I was on fire. My memory is getting better day by day. That is a big positive in so many ways.
Emotionally was par for the course. I have my ups and downs. The split is about 60/40 with the ups being the majority. I am going to track it like this now so that I can at least gauge it. I think part of the downside is the work on the book. A lot of memories there from a very long time ago. The narrative starts with memories as far back as I can go - just under three years old - so yes I am digging a whole lot of stuff out and a lot of it is not that nice in retrospect. Funny maybe, but not nice in hindsight.
It was very chilly here today. I am enjoying my last open fire in the master bedroom tonight. Tomorrow the closed multi fuel stove / fireplace arrives. I cannot wait. I shall miss the open fire's ambiance, but I am looking forward to that old school feel of the stove. It has glass doors and everything so I don't think I will lose too much of the ambiance. With the way our power supply utility is going here in SA, at least I can cook on the thing if I need to.
The writing is going well. I find that I have to just write. Put the ideas and memories down and move on. If I fill the meat in for the memory there and then and try not to think too much about it, then it goes fine. If I put something down and try to analyse it, it becomes a problem. So the moral - just put it down, right or wrong.
I have noticed that there have been some relapses. I wish that I had some solid advice to give. Somehow I don't think that it works like that. I don't really seem to have the people wisdom. That part of me failed to develop as I was too busy drinking. I can say this though - you have to try to succeed. If you fail, you have to try and try again. You will have to try as many times as it takes to succeed.
For those who have relapsed and happen to read this thread. Please, if it gets really bad - go to your ER. If you are riding it out and doing ok, drink a lot of water. Try to eat some food. Take a vitamin B12 supplement and try to be kind to yourself.
Be safe and be strong.
Cheers,
ZAB
I have reached the end of day thirty two and now face another weekend ahead. It will be my fifth sober weekend if my maths is working. I cant believe how time seems to be flying now. Well to the business.
Physically I am a little tired. The fatigue kicked in at around 14:00. My headache did not come back through the day. Although I did not have an appetite again today, I managed to eat breakfast and dinner. I wasn't so good with the water. Too many cups of coffee and too many cigarettes again today. I am really going to have to work on these bad habits. The numbness in my cheek reappeared sometime this afternoon, but it is only just noticeable. No exercise for me today other than physical work around the house, but my muscles feel good. I really need to break the smoking habit, I am smoking in the blasted car and house again.
Mentally I am fine. I did not have to do much thinking today, but when I did, I was on fire. My memory is getting better day by day. That is a big positive in so many ways.
Emotionally was par for the course. I have my ups and downs. The split is about 60/40 with the ups being the majority. I am going to track it like this now so that I can at least gauge it. I think part of the downside is the work on the book. A lot of memories there from a very long time ago. The narrative starts with memories as far back as I can go - just under three years old - so yes I am digging a whole lot of stuff out and a lot of it is not that nice in retrospect. Funny maybe, but not nice in hindsight.
It was very chilly here today. I am enjoying my last open fire in the master bedroom tonight. Tomorrow the closed multi fuel stove / fireplace arrives. I cannot wait. I shall miss the open fire's ambiance, but I am looking forward to that old school feel of the stove. It has glass doors and everything so I don't think I will lose too much of the ambiance. With the way our power supply utility is going here in SA, at least I can cook on the thing if I need to.
The writing is going well. I find that I have to just write. Put the ideas and memories down and move on. If I fill the meat in for the memory there and then and try not to think too much about it, then it goes fine. If I put something down and try to analyse it, it becomes a problem. So the moral - just put it down, right or wrong.
I have noticed that there have been some relapses. I wish that I had some solid advice to give. Somehow I don't think that it works like that. I don't really seem to have the people wisdom. That part of me failed to develop as I was too busy drinking. I can say this though - you have to try to succeed. If you fail, you have to try and try again. You will have to try as many times as it takes to succeed.
For those who have relapsed and happen to read this thread. Please, if it gets really bad - go to your ER. If you are riding it out and doing ok, drink a lot of water. Try to eat some food. Take a vitamin B12 supplement and try to be kind to yourself.
Be safe and be strong.
Cheers,
ZAB
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