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Old 04-29-2015, 01:19 PM
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Great work ZaB! Loved reading your story. Really inspirational!
Long may it continue!
All the best!
C
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Old 04-29-2015, 01:34 PM
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Evening all,

End of day twenty three for me. Firstly, I need to apologize for spelling and some misplaced words. This b@stard IPad with its autocorrect. Business first,

Physically I am fine. Not so tired, but I am going to sleep well. I can feel it. The headache has been riding me the whole day. I did not get to play lab rat today as the builders were bugging me the whole day, so only ate this evening. So I can only start my experiment tomorrow. The cheek numbness is still with me. Yet once again I missed out on my exercise. Builders again. Muscles feel good though.

Mentally, not much of a challenge. Supervising builders who turned into kids overnight and all of a sudden could not do anything without asking me first. The most challenging thing I did today was sort out house wiring that these people managed to stuff up.

Emotionally the day was par for the course. I did have my moments, but they are getting better. I don't seem to spend as much time in the dark places anymore. My mind sort of just overrides my heart when it gets too much. All in all I think today is some sort of progress on this front. I am not holding my breath and will see tomorrow.

All in all today was not a bad day. The builders finally finished everything they needed to do to prepare for the tilers. All the crete is removed from the floors. A wall is knocked out. A door bricked up and plastered. Plugs re-routed. They will have to come back and paint after the tilers are done. God help me. The fireplace people came and did their thing today. So I am sitting here typing this post out in front of a roaring fire. Toasty. The tilers will be here early tomorrow. They reckon it will take them a day and a half. This I have to see. I still haven't decided on a color yet. Light beige? Grey? White? FFS, I was pissed when we went to get the samples. How the hell would I remember what color she wanted. I will flip coins to eliminate. If I don't like the color that comes up, I will just go with what I like. Sounds like a good plan to me.

So as I sit here and type to you, I am not sure how to approach this aspect of recovery. I suppose just spit it out then. Libido. Now ladies, I cannot comment for you, so please don't expect this in your recovery. You are different to men. And chaps, we are all different ages, so this is an approximation. I would not say that I was not interested in sex when I was drinking. Don't get me wrong, in my twenties I tried to have my way with anything. When I got into my thirties and into more long term relationships, sure it was important. Sure the urge was there. But, and here is a huge but, if I did not get it there and then, I was able to drink that urge away. As long as I had booze, I really didn't care whether I got it or not. Yes it was frustrating to hardly get any, but booze eased that pain particularly well. When I did get any, it was usually after quite a few drinks, and we all know that heavy drinking does not unleash our inner stallion - although we might have thought so. So where did libido return in my journey. Well, folks, libido came back around day six. And it is not like the inner stallion that we imagine in our inebriation, no this is the real deal. So for the ladies with addicted partners - they will recover quite quickly. No need to worry there. I remember while I was drinking that my wife made me take a sperm count test. The results were below average. I think for the sake of science that I am going to take that test again to see if anything has changed. I have heard booze does affect this so a test will either prove or disprove my theory.

Well, that brings me to the end of this post. The cats are curled up on the side of the bed closest to the fireplace. They seem to love this new warm "light". I can see huge competition tonight.

Be safe and be strong.

Cheers,

ZAB
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Old 04-29-2015, 02:23 PM
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Way to go on day 23 ZaBooza
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Old 04-29-2015, 10:33 PM
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Originally Posted by soberwolf View Post
Way to go on day 23 ZaBooza
At SW, much appreciated.
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Old 04-29-2015, 10:37 PM
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I'm glad the various parts of your life are coming together ZaB

D
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Old 04-29-2015, 10:41 PM
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Originally Posted by Dee74 View Post
I'm glad the various parts of your life are coming together ZaB D
Ta Dee, it is one big puzzle and slowly I am pulling the pieces together. Although I don't have an idea what the completed picture is supposed to look like just yet.
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Old 04-29-2015, 10:51 PM
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I don't think anyone does.

My life now is better in every way that I expected, and better than I could have dreamed of

D
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Old 04-29-2015, 11:01 PM
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Originally Posted by Dee74 View Post
I don't think anyone does. My life now is better in every way that I expected, and better than I could have dreamed of D
Ta mate, that is what I am clinging to while I get through this physical and emotional slog. The sun will shine tomorrow, even if it is shining somewhere else.
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Old 04-30-2015, 12:13 AM
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Morning all,

So I have arrived in one piece at this morning of day twenty four. Business out the way first.

Physically, I am great. Sleep is good. Easy to fall asleep and I wake with the alarm. No more interrupted sleep patterns for a while now. The headache is still with me. I wake clear headed, and then the b@stard just eases its way into the day slowly. The headaches are not as sharp as they were in the early days, they are getting less violent in strength. They don't inhibit me from functioning, they are just a nasty side effect that I am carrying around. I cannot wait for the b@satrd to move out like the other withdrawal symptoms. Hand shakes are stable. Another thing I haven't had in a while are those flickering bits of light in front of my eyes. Numbness in the cheek is only just there. Another good sign. Muscles feel good. In fact my whole body feels good. Funny, my physical definition is starting to come back very quickly. I am looking quite toned, and that with very minimal exercise. Fitness comes back in leaps and bounds. I know this because I use a heart rate monitor for my resting and recovery heart rate in the mornings. I am still smoking. It has it's ups and downs. I have read that some people use the same tools for stopping drinking to quit the fags. Interesting concept that I must try.

Mentally I am fine. Brain is good. I am still playing online chess. I have even considered studying something totally unrelated to what I do. Mind you, this is just considering. Not something set in stone yet. I once had a talent for music, or so my parents thought. I have even thought of dusting the old piano off and tickling the old ivories again. I think that somehow when we become sober our brains crave stimulation.

Emotionally I am good this morning. I was laying here waiting for the tilers and enjoying the sunshine when I had a few lazy thoughts of having a drink. The AV does become sneaky indeed. It was nothing pressing, just a lazy thought out of the blue, that passed so quickly. It was almost as if it had never even been there.

So where do I stand this morning. Well, it is great to spoil myself. I am doing the house up and I am doing what I wanted to do. It feels strange not having anyone to consult, but bugger it. Although it wasn't cold last night, I just loved having the fire going. It is calming. I have just realized how big and empty the house is. I don't mean empty of things, but devoid of human touch. Sometimes it gets a bit overwhelming, but I am learning to deal with it. I have set myself some additional tasks for the house, once the building work is complete. I need to tackle each room and sort it out. No easy feat with all the junk I have accumulated.

When my wife decided on separation, I remember asking the distinct question - so what now? We go out and meet new people and this is the end? Her response was no, this is not divorce. I need time to get my priorities right. I need to do what I want. Fair enough. Well easy enough for her. Not so easy for me. I am left with his blasted house with things full of memories. So in the spirit of fairness, I have decided to make everything in the house neutral. Take photos down and pack them away. Everything that could possibly remind me of her, pack away. Redo the house, my way. Reminds me of a song - "Cause you've been down on me for too long, and for too long I've just put you on. Now I'm tired of lying and I'm sick of trying because I'm losing who I really am. And I'm not choosing to be like them. Maybe today, yeah girl. I'll skip away" One of the best singer songwriters of all time in my opinion. Rodriguez.

The above paragraph is not meant to be all doom and gloom. It is my way of marshaling my thoughts. Sometimes better to write things down. At least you know where I am coming from when I write down my day.

Onto a less serious note. I have given some thought to the idea of writing a book. Yes it will have sex, drugs, drama, rock n roll, booze, life and other bits of hilarity in it. In fact, I already have someone who wants to edit it. I just need to find out if I have to pay an editor. Do they get credit for anything? Do I have to be famous to write about my life? Bugger all that, I'll just wing it. Nobody would believe the stories anyway, except those that were there. And they might just sue me for royalties or something like that.

So the tilers are late. At least they are on their way. I need to go flip a coin to see which tile I will use. The sun is up and the hours are wasting away. Time to stop procrastinating and get my butt into gear.

Be safe and be strong.

Cheers,

ZAB
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Old 04-30-2015, 09:12 AM
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Yay on the book writing Zab! You have talent. My dad wrote his memoirs after he was diagnosed with a fatal disease. He sent his manuscript to some publishers, and he now has an offer. He is working with an editor that the publisher has provided to him., not sure how that process will work, but we are super excited! And, no, he is not famous. Will people read his book? I think so, he is pretty awesome, but I'm also just being biased!
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Old 04-30-2015, 09:33 AM
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Originally Posted by Cauliflower View Post
Yay on the book writing Zab! You have talent. My dad wrote his memoirs after he was diagnosed with a fatal disease. He sent his manuscript to some publishers, and he now has an offer. He is working with an editor that the publisher has provided to him., not sure how that process will work, but we are super excited! And, no, he is not famous. Will people read his book? I think so, he is pretty awesome, but I'm also just being biased!
Ta cauliflower, I am negotiating with my "editor" at the moment. Thirty cents per word is a bit steep. I need to sort of make a plan for it, a map if you will. Where it started, and where I am at when it finishes. I can see a lot of traveling involved to patch all the stories together. Maybe that is the way to do it, each chapter a short story of some incident.


Sorry to hear about your dad, but good on him for putting it down on paper.
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Old 04-30-2015, 09:35 AM
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Za I like the way you are documenting your process. I tried doing this with a blog but never kept up & wasnt 100% honest. I think I am going to start a new post with my progress
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Old 04-30-2015, 09:57 AM
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Originally Posted by julesonya View Post
Za I like the way you are documenting your process. I tried doing this with a blog but never kept up & wasnt 100% honest. I think I am going to start a new post with my progress
Ta JS, much appreciated. I wanted to do a blog, but could never figure it out. Concept is too new for me I guess. You should definitely do that. It is always good to back and see how you've come along, or to remind yourself not to go down that road again. You have to be 100% honest otherwise it is the same as sneak drinking. You can however choose how much you want and feel comfortable sharing. I share more as I work through my issues, or what is bothering me at that moment or day.
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Old 04-30-2015, 01:37 PM
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Evening all,

So, I have reached the end of day twenty four. I am lying here in bed in front of a cosy fire with two cats sprawled across the bed in a house badly in need of a clean. Business first, as usual.

Physically, I feel great. A little tired perhaps, but it is 21:45 here. Headache was a female dog to get rid of. I suspect I have not been drinking enough water. While the workmen have been busy around the house the past few days, I have been drinking NA beer. As soon as I have some water, the headache goes. I will stick to water from tomorrow on and see if it makes a difference. No hand shakes. It has been a while now, so unless it comes back, I will not mention it again. The numbness in my cheek is still here, but ever so slight. No exercise again today. I guess I am going to have to wait until the renovations are done. Luckily everything inside should be completed by tomorrow.

Mentally, same plane. No huge change. I am now saturated on motivational books too. So I am reading a different type of book - Don't let the b@stards grind you down. Be warned, it is a self help book, but seems to be up my alley. Neutral so far.

Emotionally it was much of the same old story. It does feel like I am getting better, but it is difficult to say. I can only say that the swings are nowhere near as bad as during those very early days.

Pouring over my self help books with regards to addictions, the most bandied about figure is twenty one days. All the authors seem to concur that if you manage to make the twenty one day mark - you have beaten the habit. I have read all about synapses and neurotransmitters ad nauseum. Eat this, it kickstarts this. Eat that, it jumpstarts that. While I realize that there is some medical research behind all this, these books are written by doctors for doctors. I came across the term dry drunk today. This term is meant to describe someone who is abstaining from booze and/or drugs, but has not started the internal healing process. Whether this be self forgiveness, making amends, 12 steps or whatever process the individual follows. This would imply that the twenty one day advocates are wrong on the face of it as they do not address the psychological aspect as much as the physiological. After all, a dry drunk can fall off the wagon after however many years sobriety. I think both camps are correct but somehow need to get together to compile a more "man on the street" oriented book. Sure, after twenty one days you may have broken the physical aspect of the addiction. Hell, most of us force ourselves to that point through sheer willpower or fear. The more that I think of it, the more I find it difficult to believe that we are in a position to start that healing process during this period.

Bear with me patient reader. Our withdrawal can be broken down into three parts. Physical, mental and emotional. I think most of you will agree that the physical part recovers the quickest. Let's for arguments sake take it that you are not a big **** cat and that your physical part took seven days to heal. We will make the same assumption for your mental state. Another seven days, plus the seven if the physical gives us fourteen already. Now the emotional aspect kicks in. I am sorry, but unless you know something that I don't about being in multiple places at the same time, and you really haven't flattened too many peoples batteries, you are not going to resolve the emotional conundrum in seven days.

Aha, you say. There is a flaw in my argument. All these aspects start to heal at the same time. Yes? No? Go back and read your journals about your own recovery. Those first few days are utter crap physically. The sweats, the shakes, nausea. How focused was your mind during that time. Mine wasn't. It took a while for the brain mist to lift. It was only once the mind became clear and focussed that the emotions really stepped up and showed us who the boss really is.

So the point that I am really getting at here is that we are all dry drunks during our early sobriety. I just thought that the term was strange and when I found out what it meant I found it sort of derogatory. Mind you, as recovering addicts, we need to learn to be thick skinned. What ever threatens our sobriety needs to be banished. So the moral of the story, I should not have been offended by a silly term like dry drunk.

Be safe and be strong.

Cheers,

ZAB
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Old 04-30-2015, 11:21 PM
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Morning all,

Well it is the start of day twenty five for me. Another bright sunny day looms outside. The birds are singing and preparing for their migration. In a way, I wish I could go too. First Oder of the day - the business end of things.

Physically I am fine. I slept like a baby. I did wake a few times during the night for water and bathroom calls. I had no trouble going back to sleep. I had a slight headache when I woke, but it is fading. I am testing my theory on water today. The cheek numbness is there. My body feels a bit restless. I am sure this is due to lack of exercise and being stuck in this house with the builders. It is a small price to pay for getting things done. I am starved and contemplating a quick breakfast before the tilers arrive. Probably a good idea.

Mentally, well, I am not sure. Nothing much has changed since last night. I do find that I am becoming more inquisitive about stuff. So I am taking that as a good sign.

Emotionally I feel good. Other than fleeting twinges so far there have been no monumental self pity sessions. I think this is going to continue for a while.

Today is a public holiday here in SA. I am not sure which one and I am not sure that I really care about finding out. All in all I feel good for where I am in my recovery. I don't really have anything to gauge it against. I feel a little restless at the moment. Almost impatient. I just want to get the ball rolling and get on with it. I know I should guard against this. I should rather just live in the now. Too much, too soon, without proper rational thought is a recipe for disaster. Today is one of those days that I am going to actively have to remind myself to stop and smell the roses. Take time out, me time.

The tiling is coming along splendidly. I am very impressed. Somehow these physical changes actually imbue a sense of pride and well being within this lump of coal that is my heart. I am impatient and want them to finish, but I know that good things come to those that wait. So I will bite my tongue, take deep breathes and wait for the finished product.

Be safe and be strong.

Cheers,

ZAB
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Old 05-01-2015, 01:40 PM
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Evening all,

End of day twenty five for me. To the business.

Physically, I am a little tired. Headache did go away. I drank lots of water. So that seems to help. Appetite was good. Cheek numbness is still there. My body is very restless and agitated.

Mentally I am fine. Still reading. Started playing with a Rubik's cube.

Emotionally I am a bit down. Suppose it's the Friday night blues.

Not much to say this side other than that the tilers need to come back tomorrow to finish the last few tiles. It looks good. So that is a plus. I think the L out of HALT is getting to me tonight. Not good and there is not a hell of a lot I can do about it given my current situation. I think it is going to be bedtime for me now. Early up and at least get my exercises in.

Be safe and be strong,

Cheers,

ZAB
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Old 05-01-2015, 02:28 PM
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Any idea what's causing the cheek numbness?
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Old 05-01-2015, 04:38 PM
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Thanks Z for your posts, they're helping me a lot.
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Old 05-01-2015, 09:41 PM
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Originally Posted by sva777 View Post
Any idea what's causing the cheek numbness?
Het SVA, I have no idea. It I'd like the brain breeze, only on my left cheek. It is getting weaker everyday. So I can only suspect that it is part of the withdrawal.
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Old 05-01-2015, 09:42 PM
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Originally Posted by lastchance77 View Post
Thanks Z for your posts, they're helping me a lot.
Ta LC, much appreciated.
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