Buckley

I am at my lowest. I thought last time was my lowest, and now it's really my lowest. I am so depressed, and I am crying my eyes out just typing this. I have a baby to live for. He was at my mom's and I took it upon myself to drink myself into a wine stupor, and when the wine was gone, I chugged vodka. I feel so ashamed and so alone and I'm so scared.

I don't know how to do this. I would never leave my little boy but sometimes I wish this would all just end. It's so hard. I've posted here before and made it 2 weeks and then poof, it's all gone and I'm back to feeling like a failure and hating myself.

I'm sorry. I guess I just need some friends and hugs right now.

SDH73

(((hugs for buckley)))

Sorry you're feeling so beat up, Buckley.

You CAN do this.

It WILL get better.

Buckley

I just don't know how I got here? How I let it get this bad. I feel so low and awful and it seems like every time I try, I fail. My poor baby deserves a better mother. I'm pathetic.

doggonecarl

You are not pathetic. You struggle to stay stopped. That's alcoholism. Maybe you don't want to accept that. Maybe you accept that but aren't doing the things you need, recovery wise, to battle it.

You don't need to give up. You need to give more effort.

Buckley

You are so right. I need to give more effort. Thank you for that. I can't agree more.

MidnightBlue

Buckley - lots of hugs to you.

Surely you can do this - so many people did it. So you can too!

Make the decision that you want a good sober life - life you really deserve.

And don't let anything shake your decision and determination - stress, other people, circumstances. They will be always part of life. But it will be sober life. thousand times better.

Be committed to your sobriety. Protect it the way you would protect your child.

And make it TODAY.

Best wishes to you.

Keep posting.

DrunkenDonuts

You can do this!

Iconoclastic

Aside from alcohol abuse, have you seen a physician that specializes in addiction re: depression and other possible disorders?

The spectrum on depression is very wide e.g. Bipolar Affective Disorder, Situational Depression and other types.

Unfortunately society, even the medical society places too much emphasis on alcohol abuse which is the symptom and not enough attention on depression which is frequently the problem that causes addiction.

Buckley

I had severe post partum anxiety after the birth of my son, and was hospitalized several times. I know that my drinking has a lot to do with self medicating. I am in the process of finding a therapist that specializes in addictions (and overall mental health).

specialized432

I last about 2 weeks too. I hope you start to feel better soon. I still feel pretty ill. It will get better.

Nonsensical

You believed the lies your AV was telling you about how nice it was going to be to have some wine.

This is the reality of how that turns out.

I stopped believing the lies my head can manufacture about the next time I drink. My life got a lot better. I highly recommend it.

You can do this!

Soberwolf

Heres some links my friend http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...-recovery.html

http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...at-we-did.html

Anna

Buckley, I am really sorry that you feel so low right now. I can feel the pain in your post and I know how shamed and guilty I felt when I put alcohol before my family.

You can do this, but you must keep trying. If you go two weeks and then drink again, then you need to change or add to your plan.

And, keep reading and posting here for inspiration. We do understand how hard this is.

itstiime

Don't beat yourself up to bad I have been there and it takes you back. Just know you are a good person that loves your family. Many people have done it so we can too!

headcase1

You can do this! You can like I can! You have to be the one though, nobody else can say no to alcohol for you.

Ruby2

Hi Buckley. Don't beat yourself up. I tried and tried to get sober and it just didn't happen. I struggled. I finally checked myself in for detox and inpatient treatment. My parents took my kids in for the 18 days I was away. It jump started my sobriety.

I had to get active in my recovery. I had to really accept that I wouldn't magically awake and I could be a normal drinker and that was the hardest part. I see two things. You joined in 2010 and have 58 posts. Double down and come here early and often.

You are in Chicago as am I. There are tons of resources in Chicago and the suburbs. AA meetings all over, all the time.

I had mild post partum depression. So I have an inkling of what you are going through. Getting out and walking helped. What is your support network like? Can a friend or your mom walk with you? A girlfriend of mine came a few times a week to walk with me. It really helped but mine was a milder case.

Hugs. You can do this. One day at a time.

thomas11

Hi Buckley, like others have said, go easy on yourself. Its easy and normal right now to feel pretty low. If possible, take the focus and energy off of beating yourself up right now and turn that focus on moving forward. Think about getting over the hangover/withdrawal, getting some food and rest so you start feeling normal again. Then maybe start to address what others have mentioned like possible mental health issue, therapy and lastly if you simply cannot stop on your own, if treatment is an option I would certainly consider it. Again, go easy on yourself, there are two of you to take care of now.

PurpleKnight

You can do this Buckley!!

sva777

If I can do it I am sure you can too. Rooting for you!

Nonsensical

Change is possible.

Hope is reasonable.

You can do this!