where to meet potential dates? :-(
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2014
Location: Luxembourg
Posts: 151
Hi there,
I've recently had a terrible experience with online dating that really scared me.
Needless to say, I don't want repeat the experience. I'm just wondering, except for
Bars, where can I meet people that are maybe looking for a gf?
I'm 34, live in an expat community and currently feel very lonely as most of my friends arein a couple and hang out in bars. Of course if I do this, I'll only get drunk, so it's not an option.
I really feel time is passing me by and because I've had such bad luck feel like just getting drunk sometimes to forget about how lonely I am. :-(
Thanks for reading.
I've recently had a terrible experience with online dating that really scared me.
Needless to say, I don't want repeat the experience. I'm just wondering, except for
Bars, where can I meet people that are maybe looking for a gf?
I'm 34, live in an expat community and currently feel very lonely as most of my friends arein a couple and hang out in bars. Of course if I do this, I'll only get drunk, so it's not an option.
I really feel time is passing me by and because I've had such bad luck feel like just getting drunk sometimes to forget about how lonely I am. :-(
Thanks for reading.
Forum Leader
Join Date: May 2012
Location: Wisconsin, USA
Posts: 16,945
Some say that getting involved with dating/romance isn't really a good idea at all until you have at least a year of sobriety under your belt. Not sure if that is the case or not with you, but something to consider at least.
As far as where to meet people, the answer is anywhere. The grocery store, social events, book clubs, sports clubs/events, volunteer groups, church, the list goes on and on. Bars are definitely not someplace you will want to hang out and meet people if you are recovering either for obvious reasons.
As far as where to meet people, the answer is anywhere. The grocery store, social events, book clubs, sports clubs/events, volunteer groups, church, the list goes on and on. Bars are definitely not someplace you will want to hang out and meet people if you are recovering either for obvious reasons.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2015
Location: Florida
Posts: 874
I never met anyone in a bar even during my moderate drinking days. Most of mine have been through volunteering, group runs or swims and at work related social events or volunteer activities.
I tried online dating for about 3 hours. But half the guys couldn't type grammatically correct sentences or the word baseball hats in their photos.
I tried online dating for about 3 hours. But half the guys couldn't type grammatically correct sentences or the word baseball hats in their photos.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: Chicago
Posts: 5,450
Consider that there is a third alternative to either meeting someone new or returning to drinking: Get comfortable just being with you. Take care of yourself. Treat yourself nicely and with love. Spend time and energy doing things you enjoy or that make you feel good about yourself. Learn things. Read things. Cry at the movies. Laugh at the shows on TV. Walk and discover the world around you. Treat yourself the way you would want to be treated by a lover or a friend. Spend time with people who like you just as you are. Be good to you.
There is a big difference between being alone and being lonely. I've been lonelier in certain relationships than I could ever be on my own.
There is a big difference between being alone and being lonely. I've been lonelier in certain relationships than I could ever be on my own.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2012
Location: Central America/Florida USA
Posts: 4,064
Hi there! I'm also live abroad, and the ex-pat crowd down here also sticks to bars (yes, there are Irish Pubs in Central America). It can be frustrating watching others who are in your situation go out to the bars, come home and hook up, and then watch them the next morning at brunch hashing over their crazy nights.
But face it, we've been there and done that already. Right? What more can we gain from a night at the bars? The first thing to do might be to stop imagining all the fun that others are having. Whoop-dee-doo, they went out and got smashed and made out with other tourists and slept on the floor at a hostel and then stumbled home at 5.48am. They are lame and immature, not cool. Don't worry about them and their dumb hobbies.
Being sober, you can really get the most out of your experience. Living abroad is great because of the travel! If you're in Lux, I'm guessing you can take a train to some cool Euro cities on the weekends, and perhaps see some great sights in your own cities nearby as well. History, museums, culture, and CAFES abound. I have made some great connections in cafes. In fact, I am meeting out with a new friend of the opposite sex in a few days, we met last week at a cafe and said "let's do it again!". Or take a language class! Those are great for meeting cool guys and gals. What about outdoor activities? Hiking, climbing, skiing? Go to the lake or the river for a swim. You won't meet people who are doing sober activities unless you go to those places because that's where they are!
Good luck, you can do it.
But face it, we've been there and done that already. Right? What more can we gain from a night at the bars? The first thing to do might be to stop imagining all the fun that others are having. Whoop-dee-doo, they went out and got smashed and made out with other tourists and slept on the floor at a hostel and then stumbled home at 5.48am. They are lame and immature, not cool. Don't worry about them and their dumb hobbies.
Being sober, you can really get the most out of your experience. Living abroad is great because of the travel! If you're in Lux, I'm guessing you can take a train to some cool Euro cities on the weekends, and perhaps see some great sights in your own cities nearby as well. History, museums, culture, and CAFES abound. I have made some great connections in cafes. In fact, I am meeting out with a new friend of the opposite sex in a few days, we met last week at a cafe and said "let's do it again!". Or take a language class! Those are great for meeting cool guys and gals. What about outdoor activities? Hiking, climbing, skiing? Go to the lake or the river for a swim. You won't meet people who are doing sober activities unless you go to those places because that's where they are!
Good luck, you can do it.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2015
Posts: 1,087
Are there any outdoor activities you like? Maybe join a hiking club, kayaking club, or something all those lines. Do you like to read? Maybe try a book club. Do you like cooking, or want to learn another language? Maybe sign up for a class.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2015
Location: Pennsylvania
Posts: 132
I know you aren't interested in online dating, but have you ever been on the website couchsurfer.com? It's generally used for people to find places to crash while travelling, but people also list their information if you just want to meet someone who lives in the area and be shown around. People also use the site to set up meetings of travelers (and, I'm sure, expats!). The bonus is people leave reviews about their experience staying or visiting with the people on the site, so you can be relatively sure you are not meeting up with a crazy person. It may not be a way to get a date per se, but it could be useful to meet some new people in your area, or in cities nearby? Just an idea!
Member
Join Date: Feb 2015
Location: MN
Posts: 8,704
I am married but I found out quite awhile ago that a bar served absolutely no purpose in my life. None. Was in one Saturday night for a benefit (friend with cancer), was there 20 minutes and out the door.
I met my wife through work but it was crazy, I am Minnesota, she was in LA and she was born and raised in Peru. When its meant to be I guess it just happens. Probably not the answer you were looking for but I thought I'd share. Someone will come along when you least expect it.
I met my wife through work but it was crazy, I am Minnesota, she was in LA and she was born and raised in Peru. When its meant to be I guess it just happens. Probably not the answer you were looking for but I thought I'd share. Someone will come along when you least expect it.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2015
Posts: 347
i had a horrible time with online dating. while i got plaenty of dates they didnt last very long and now seem to me like i was trying to force somethign to happen when i wasnt ready for it. i did stay with one girl for a year off a website but many failures. i finally had to give it to god. I did write down all the things i was looking for in a person and stuck it in my wallet. prayed on it some and about 3 months later i met a nice girl.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2013
Location: Canada
Posts: 750
I never did the online thing but am considering it when I am ready. I have a lot of anxiety in regards to this exact question for my near future. For too long I have associated alcohol with socializing and meeting people. Completely new terrain for me but as for now I am happy just working on myself and enjoying the freedoms of sobriety and being single.
Member
Join Date: May 2013
Location: Probably my living room. Maybe my bedroom if I'm feeling lazy
Posts: 1,085
I definitely second the notion of waiting a significant amount of time (~a year of sobriety) before venturing into dating.
My ex had broken up with me when I went to rehab. So I had to deal with a breakup right off the bat. I was very lonely at first, but I filled that void by making lots of new friends in AA. I realized two things over the course of my first year:
1. I used relationships kind of like a substance. Instead of dating someone because we were a good fit, relationships were a form of self-validation and escape. I NEEDED someone else to love because I couldn't do it myself.
2. I never had close, intimate, platonic friendships. Sure, I had had lots of people in my life that I called "friends," but I realized they were just surface relationships. These were people I drank and used with. I never let my guard down to build close relationships and let people get to know the REAL me because I feared rejection and betrayal of trust. With my new friends in sobriety who were also sober, I really started to open up. I got to know them and let them get to know me. These are now some of the closest, deepest friendships I've ever had in my life.
So that first year of sobriety was really a learning experience. I'm not going to say it wasn't difficult at times, but it really opened my eyes to who I am as a person and that I could let people in without them hurting me or screwing me over.
When I pushed to date early in sobriety, my sponsor always responded with, "what do you really have to offer anyone at this point? Relationships are a two way street. You are still learning how to live life without substances." He was right. I didn't have much to offer at that point. But by working my program diligently, I became someone who had a lot to offer as a partner.
When I finally started dating, I used online sites. I liked how I could specify upfront that I wasn't a drinker. There was no awkward discussion to have about alcohol with any of my dates because my profile said I don't drink. Maybe it shrank my dating pool, but I eventually met someone who rarely drinks (she isn't in recovery; just doesn't like alcohol). We've been together over 14 months now, and it's been the best, most honest relationship I've ever had. But if she would have seen me when I was drinking or in early sobriety when I was still a mess and learning how to deal with life, she likely wouldn't have wanted anything to do with me.
My ex had broken up with me when I went to rehab. So I had to deal with a breakup right off the bat. I was very lonely at first, but I filled that void by making lots of new friends in AA. I realized two things over the course of my first year:
1. I used relationships kind of like a substance. Instead of dating someone because we were a good fit, relationships were a form of self-validation and escape. I NEEDED someone else to love because I couldn't do it myself.
2. I never had close, intimate, platonic friendships. Sure, I had had lots of people in my life that I called "friends," but I realized they were just surface relationships. These were people I drank and used with. I never let my guard down to build close relationships and let people get to know the REAL me because I feared rejection and betrayal of trust. With my new friends in sobriety who were also sober, I really started to open up. I got to know them and let them get to know me. These are now some of the closest, deepest friendships I've ever had in my life.
So that first year of sobriety was really a learning experience. I'm not going to say it wasn't difficult at times, but it really opened my eyes to who I am as a person and that I could let people in without them hurting me or screwing me over.
When I pushed to date early in sobriety, my sponsor always responded with, "what do you really have to offer anyone at this point? Relationships are a two way street. You are still learning how to live life without substances." He was right. I didn't have much to offer at that point. But by working my program diligently, I became someone who had a lot to offer as a partner.
When I finally started dating, I used online sites. I liked how I could specify upfront that I wasn't a drinker. There was no awkward discussion to have about alcohol with any of my dates because my profile said I don't drink. Maybe it shrank my dating pool, but I eventually met someone who rarely drinks (she isn't in recovery; just doesn't like alcohol). We've been together over 14 months now, and it's been the best, most honest relationship I've ever had. But if she would have seen me when I was drinking or in early sobriety when I was still a mess and learning how to deal with life, she likely wouldn't have wanted anything to do with me.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2015
Posts: 347
i agree about the one year thing. i should have waited^
when i was 6 months clean i dated a girl and had to deal with the consequences. long story short she ended up cheating on me with a another guy in the program. caused a bunch of drama. he cheated on his live in gf with my gf at a certain point i decided i was done with the bs cuz i needed my meetings. soon after evey one involved relapsed except me. ive seen it hurt soem ppl early on and they never made it back,
when i was 6 months clean i dated a girl and had to deal with the consequences. long story short she ended up cheating on me with a another guy in the program. caused a bunch of drama. he cheated on his live in gf with my gf at a certain point i decided i was done with the bs cuz i needed my meetings. soon after evey one involved relapsed except me. ive seen it hurt soem ppl early on and they never made it back,
Member
Join Date: Feb 2015
Location: Perth, Western Australia
Posts: 418
I love the idea of Luxembourg. It just sounds like a place out of history where one could tend their fields during the day and eat cheese and read by a roaring fireplace at night.
Tell you what... If I write a best selling novel this year or tv show, I'll fly over and you can show me where to get the best maasdam.
Tell you what... If I write a best selling novel this year or tv show, I'll fly over and you can show me where to get the best maasdam.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2015
Location: Arizona
Posts: 111
Originally Posted by SparkleKitty 
Consider that there is a third alternative to either meeting someone new or returning to drinking: Get comfortable just being with you. Take care of yourself. Treat yourself nicely and with love. Spend time and energy doing things you enjoy or that make you feel good about yourself. Learn things. Read things. Cry at the movies. Laugh at the shows on TV. Walk and discover the world around you. Treat yourself the way you would want to be treated by a lover or a friend. Spend time with people who like you just as you are. Be good to you.
There is a big difference between being alone and being lonely. I've been lonelier in certain relationships than I could ever be on my own.
There is a big difference between being alone and being lonely. I've been lonelier in certain relationships than I could ever be on my own.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2014
Location: Luxembourg
Posts: 151
Thanks for all your replies, they are much appreciated!
I'm laughing that the thought of Luxembourg being like something out of history - it's the financial centre of Europe! Lol I think I prefer the historical version though! ��
I really need to get new hobbies.I'm not going to meet anyone if I just sit around all day.
The online dating is just a 'no' for me as when I encountered a proper psycho. I politely refused a date and next thing I know he's threatening to kill me! Many friends of mine have had success online, but I don't think it's for me.
It's nice to here that not everyone met their partner in a bar! I guess I have to start looking at clubs over here. :-)
Thank you!
I'm laughing that the thought of Luxembourg being like something out of history - it's the financial centre of Europe! Lol I think I prefer the historical version though! ��
I really need to get new hobbies.I'm not going to meet anyone if I just sit around all day.
The online dating is just a 'no' for me as when I encountered a proper psycho. I politely refused a date and next thing I know he's threatening to kill me! Many friends of mine have had success online, but I don't think it's for me.
It's nice to here that not everyone met their partner in a bar! I guess I have to start looking at clubs over here. :-)
Thank you!
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