OK !!!...Can we come clean ???
Member
Join Date: Jul 2012
Posts: 303
There are different levels of beating the demon whether you are still drinking or have 20 years of sobriety. I think we can all learn from each other's struggles and certainly not condemn anyone for that struggle. Keep trying, keep reading, and learning. Good luck to you.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2012
Location: Central America/Florida USA
Posts: 4,064
Lots of replies on this thread, OP. Know why? Because no matter how long many of us have been sober, we all remember being exactly where you are. Some of us made it out of that cycle though, and we can help. It shouldn't matter how far we've walked since we got out of the quicksand - that is a totally different battle.
In 3 months, I'll have 3 years sober. I don't consider myself an old timer at all. I went to a basic rehab center and spent time at in-patient. It was cheap (for rehab) and it got me over the hump. Ever thought about this kind of thing? If not, there's AA. Lots of people exactly where you are, right now. I'm not an AA goer myself but I thought I'd throw it out there. You have peer support here at SR as well.
The problem seems to be that you can't control yourself. Left to your own devices and with only the Internet to police your habits, you continue to drink. There's nothing wrong with that - I'd have likely done the same! That's why I needed a program that watched over me in real life. In my case, SR helped me STAY sober, but I got sober using a completely different route. I commend your honesty and just hope you keep all options on the table. The game's not over yet, you have a great chance to lead a full and manageable life. Why not get started today?
In 3 months, I'll have 3 years sober. I don't consider myself an old timer at all. I went to a basic rehab center and spent time at in-patient. It was cheap (for rehab) and it got me over the hump. Ever thought about this kind of thing? If not, there's AA. Lots of people exactly where you are, right now. I'm not an AA goer myself but I thought I'd throw it out there. You have peer support here at SR as well.
The problem seems to be that you can't control yourself. Left to your own devices and with only the Internet to police your habits, you continue to drink. There's nothing wrong with that - I'd have likely done the same! That's why I needed a program that watched over me in real life. In my case, SR helped me STAY sober, but I got sober using a completely different route. I commend your honesty and just hope you keep all options on the table. The game's not over yet, you have a great chance to lead a full and manageable life. Why not get started today?
Member
Join Date: Aug 2014
Posts: 1,177
Those (not so)Newcomers sometimes hang around to offer advice and hope.
I'm not the advice guy because of my atypical approach. So I'll take the hope route. Hope, (and sometimes inspiration, and sometimes annoyance) can be found in the fact that there are a bunch of folks who have been where you are and have made the changes you desire. In simple terms, "Somebody Else Has Done It".
"Hope" in itself is not a strategy. That's why folks are asked what they have learned from the experience or what they may do differently next time. At the most basic level, major accomplishments require major effort on our part.
I'm going to run 32 miles in October. I've run about half of that. Once. In return for the satisfaction of competeing my epic quest, I'm committing to investing the time and effort to run 35 miles a week prior to my three month ramp up, participating in a weekend running retreat, long runs starting at 6am on the weekends, have eliminated coffee, and significantly reduced my sugar. These suggestions came from others who like me, had once never run an Ultra Marathon.
I don't frame this as a "plan". I'm just trying to align with the Universal Law of 'Sowing and Reaping' and know I can't "hope" my way through the challenge.
Based on your post you seem to have a real desire to become alcohol free. And part of the cognitive dissonance you feel may be because of how desperately you want the goal, which is causing tension when your thoughts are not aligned to your behavior.
Identifying what you are willing to give in return for your goal, and how others can help you succeed may be worthwhile.
I'm not the advice guy because of my atypical approach. So I'll take the hope route. Hope, (and sometimes inspiration, and sometimes annoyance) can be found in the fact that there are a bunch of folks who have been where you are and have made the changes you desire. In simple terms, "Somebody Else Has Done It".
"Hope" in itself is not a strategy. That's why folks are asked what they have learned from the experience or what they may do differently next time. At the most basic level, major accomplishments require major effort on our part.
I'm going to run 32 miles in October. I've run about half of that. Once. In return for the satisfaction of competeing my epic quest, I'm committing to investing the time and effort to run 35 miles a week prior to my three month ramp up, participating in a weekend running retreat, long runs starting at 6am on the weekends, have eliminated coffee, and significantly reduced my sugar. These suggestions came from others who like me, had once never run an Ultra Marathon.
I don't frame this as a "plan". I'm just trying to align with the Universal Law of 'Sowing and Reaping' and know I can't "hope" my way through the challenge.
Based on your post you seem to have a real desire to become alcohol free. And part of the cognitive dissonance you feel may be because of how desperately you want the goal, which is causing tension when your thoughts are not aligned to your behavior.
Identifying what you are willing to give in return for your goal, and how others can help you succeed may be worthwhile.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2012
Location: Nutmegger
Posts: 1,799
DD..if you think about sobriety as a learned behavior and look at it in the context of other endeavors you have undertaken in you life it makes sense to put yourself in the company of people who have gotten where you want to be.
If someone is learning a sport, like tennis, they will likely improve much more quickly if they are challenged by playing against other players who have been playing longer. Your job is to find the player that you want to play like…we have Borgs, and McEnroes and Djokovics and Federers and Nadals here. Many styles, many personalities, that is the beauty of SR.
It can help to hit the ball with others who are playing at your level (monthly class?), it also helps to work with others who are struggling with something you have learned. But, if you only hit with people who are playing at the same level you are playing you aren't giving yourself the broadest shot at moving to a different level.
Not a single member of SR arrived here because we had our stuff together, remember that. And sobriety is never a done deal..it is a lifelong commitment and a series of decisions we all make constantly.I know this is the one place I can share my feelings and inadequacies and find support.
I went to rehab for a month two summers ago. I had called an addiction counselor and in our first appointment I told her I was willing to do anything to get sober and I meant it. I turned my life upside down by going away, I avoided certain social events for the first year, I became unapologetic that my sobriety came first.
You can't add sobriety as a side dish to you life, it has to be the main course. I know relapse is way more exhausting than a commitment to sobriety. I hear the pain and frustration and I wish I could impress upon you how much harder where you are at is than really deciding that drinking is no longer an option for you.
For me getting sober was so drastic because of going away I couldn't ever fool myself again that it was an option. It really is easier to strip your life down to the bare essentials that support your sobriety than to keep trying to live the same life and end up beating your head against the wall. I am not AA but I believe in the saying "half measures avail us nothing".
For me, I believe that sobriety is a life or death decision, it needs to be taken seriously every day. It sounds like you are handing alcohol to much power. It is not that I can't drink, it is that I don't drink, it is the most pragmatic decision I have ever made.
I gave up protecting my drinking, and trust me, I was drinking on the plane en route to rehab. I couldn't understand how some people were "dumb" enough not to drink until they crossed the threshold, that is how reluctant I was to part with my glass. You can do this!
If someone is learning a sport, like tennis, they will likely improve much more quickly if they are challenged by playing against other players who have been playing longer. Your job is to find the player that you want to play like…we have Borgs, and McEnroes and Djokovics and Federers and Nadals here. Many styles, many personalities, that is the beauty of SR.
It can help to hit the ball with others who are playing at your level (monthly class?), it also helps to work with others who are struggling with something you have learned. But, if you only hit with people who are playing at the same level you are playing you aren't giving yourself the broadest shot at moving to a different level.
Not a single member of SR arrived here because we had our stuff together, remember that. And sobriety is never a done deal..it is a lifelong commitment and a series of decisions we all make constantly.I know this is the one place I can share my feelings and inadequacies and find support.
I went to rehab for a month two summers ago. I had called an addiction counselor and in our first appointment I told her I was willing to do anything to get sober and I meant it. I turned my life upside down by going away, I avoided certain social events for the first year, I became unapologetic that my sobriety came first.
You can't add sobriety as a side dish to you life, it has to be the main course. I know relapse is way more exhausting than a commitment to sobriety. I hear the pain and frustration and I wish I could impress upon you how much harder where you are at is than really deciding that drinking is no longer an option for you.
For me getting sober was so drastic because of going away I couldn't ever fool myself again that it was an option. It really is easier to strip your life down to the bare essentials that support your sobriety than to keep trying to live the same life and end up beating your head against the wall. I am not AA but I believe in the saying "half measures avail us nothing".
For me, I believe that sobriety is a life or death decision, it needs to be taken seriously every day. It sounds like you are handing alcohol to much power. It is not that I can't drink, it is that I don't drink, it is the most pragmatic decision I have ever made.
I gave up protecting my drinking, and trust me, I was drinking on the plane en route to rehab. I couldn't understand how some people were "dumb" enough not to drink until they crossed the threshold, that is how reluctant I was to part with my glass. You can do this!
Do your best
Join Date: Aug 2014
Posts: 67,047
Originally Posted by Dee74 
I'm gonna lay it out in similar straightforwardness 
I feel very strongly about this. There's no need for a sub forum, or even a separate thread, Dave.
SR is for people struggling - there's tons of support here - and the good thing is it comes from everywhere - from old timers, veterans and from other people struggling.
There is no condemnation or looking down on people Dave - that's just not true. I ask you about plans and about what you could do different because you wouldnt be here if you were happy with the way things are.
I want you and everyone else here to get where I am - and that took work and commitment and change.
If you're feeling self conscious about not kicking the drink yet, I can dig that - but I'd argue thats a good thing - the worst thing you could do is get comfortable with the status quo, man.
SR is all about getting you to where you want to be.
You, me everyone here joined up because we wanted change - don't let that AV convince you otherwise.
I feel very strongly about this. There's no need for a sub forum, or even a separate thread, Dave.
SR is for people struggling - there's tons of support here - and the good thing is it comes from everywhere - from old timers, veterans and from other people struggling.
There is no condemnation or looking down on people Dave - that's just not true. I ask you about plans and about what you could do different because you wouldnt be here if you were happy with the way things are.
I want you and everyone else here to get where I am - and that took work and commitment and change.
If you're feeling self conscious about not kicking the drink yet, I can dig that - but I'd argue thats a good thing - the worst thing you could do is get comfortable with the status quo, man.
SR is all about getting you to where you want to be.
You, me everyone here joined up because we wanted change - don't let that AV convince you otherwise.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2015
Location: MN
Posts: 8,704
Dave, so many people have given so much great advice here in this thread. Its amazing, and as someone else said, the reason it gets the attention it deserves is because everyone has been where you are. And none of us particularly enjoyed it, correct?
I can only speak for myself, but if I absolutely could not stop drinking or put it down, I would throw myself into the arms of someone else...like rehab, treatment, detox, whatever. I was damn close to that point 14 months ago, but I got lucky and pulled myself out of it. I still have issues to be sure, but I am here and work on them. I wish you the very best Dave. No one deserves to be unhappy all the time.
I can only speak for myself, but if I absolutely could not stop drinking or put it down, I would throw myself into the arms of someone else...like rehab, treatment, detox, whatever. I was damn close to that point 14 months ago, but I got lucky and pulled myself out of it. I still have issues to be sure, but I am here and work on them. I wish you the very best Dave. No one deserves to be unhappy all the time.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2015
Location: Perth, Western Australia
Posts: 418
I had to drag myself kicking and screaming from the mindset of "I shouldn't drink, " to "I can't drink. "
I think the reason the old timers like to hang around is because we new people remind them why they quit. We reinforce their will not to drink and they give us help in quitting.
Quid pro quo.
I think the reason the old timers like to hang around is because we new people remind them why they quit. We reinforce their will not to drink and they give us help in quitting.
Quid pro quo.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2014
Location: BC Canada
Posts: 228
There have probably been a million times that I vowed never to drink, and then I did. It frustrated me and I felt I was hopeless and the worst alcoholic. I even complained about AA and how everyone there got the program and acted so superior, and that gave me an excuse not to go. It was all in my mind! And I was wrong.
We are all alcoholic/addicts - no different from the other - so let's not put ourselves in different classes.
We all came from/and are coming from the same place of hopelessness and despair and giving each other hope and strength!
We are all alcoholic/addicts - no different from the other - so let's not put ourselves in different classes.
We all came from/and are coming from the same place of hopelessness and despair and giving each other hope and strength!
Member
Join Date: Sep 2012
Location: Ireland
Posts: 25,826
I think the Newcomers section does the job already Dave!!
Everyone is at different stages of Sobriety, even if it's only Hour 1, then this is the place that can provide plenty of support and advice.
Everyone is at different stages of Sobriety, even if it's only Hour 1, then this is the place that can provide plenty of support and advice.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2014
Location: New Orleans, LA
Posts: 985
I agree with purpleknight. The whole point of the newcomers forum is that it is an intersection of folks who are just beginning to question their relationship with drugs and alcohol and folks who have some recovery.
I post in this area both to remember how substantial the leap was from intending sobriety to actually doing it, and to do "service" by being supportive of folks who are standing in that in-between space. I try to be helpful and inspiring in my postings on this sub-forum, as it is for newcomers; if I am discouraged about my own sobriety, I would post in one of the other forums or would PM someone who I knew had some wisdom and support to throw down.
I'm in my eighth month of sobriety - trust me, I'm not so far away from that place that I don't remember how difficult it was to just call it and make a commitment to abstinence.
But, if what you're proposing is a sub-forum that says "its okay to drink while you contemplate quitting" I'd say that doesn't belong here at all! That would be a horrible message to send to newcomers. It would be irresponsible. Folks contemplating abstinence from drugs and alcohol are already in a very delicate and damaged place, and - for many - quitting is a matter of life and death. We're not all here because we want to get in shape and look purty!!
So, if a forum in which folks can "drink while they think about quitting" could actually encourage even a SINGLE PERSON to delay making that terrifying and difficult leap into sobriety, then it could kill someone...be it that person, or the person riding in the car going the other direction on the highway...
I post in this area both to remember how substantial the leap was from intending sobriety to actually doing it, and to do "service" by being supportive of folks who are standing in that in-between space. I try to be helpful and inspiring in my postings on this sub-forum, as it is for newcomers; if I am discouraged about my own sobriety, I would post in one of the other forums or would PM someone who I knew had some wisdom and support to throw down.
I'm in my eighth month of sobriety - trust me, I'm not so far away from that place that I don't remember how difficult it was to just call it and make a commitment to abstinence.
But, if what you're proposing is a sub-forum that says "its okay to drink while you contemplate quitting" I'd say that doesn't belong here at all! That would be a horrible message to send to newcomers. It would be irresponsible. Folks contemplating abstinence from drugs and alcohol are already in a very delicate and damaged place, and - for many - quitting is a matter of life and death. We're not all here because we want to get in shape and look purty!!
So, if a forum in which folks can "drink while they think about quitting" could actually encourage even a SINGLE PERSON to delay making that terrifying and difficult leap into sobriety, then it could kill someone...be it that person, or the person riding in the car going the other direction on the highway...
Member
Join Date: Mar 2014
Location: PA
Posts: 12,000
That Lady in BC, she said something I can relate to and something I wonder about. I am only 15 months sober. I too would be lying if I said I didn't get the craving to have a drink now and then. More so when something like getting angry happens upon me. But even just a nice relaxing day with nothing going on - I think a cold beer would be nice right now. More often than I consciously acknowledge. But I don't have that cold beer just to enjoy it or when I get mad and feel that I want to get drunk. You know why? Because I don't drink anymore. I gave it up for good.
Funny story... last week I was in a bar so I could watch the basketball game - I disconnected my cable to save money after I lost my job. Guy asked me why I was drinking only water and why I was so knowledgeable on IPAs. One guy was in his early twenties and the other was just over 30. I told them I quit drinking. I already drank more than you two will for the rest of your lives combined. You know what? I have no doubt in my mind about it.
I should have quit drinking 15 years ago when I went into rehab. I should have quit drinking 6 years ago when I went into rehab after a dui. I waited until it cost me my job, my livelihood before I finally said, "Enough!"
I hope that I can help someone make the decision to quit now before that happens to them. That is why I post mostly on the newcomers forum. I still consider myself a newcomer, but I also want to help the newer newcomers in the hopes that they won't have the same story as I to tell. And every time I read a post from someone struggling or from someone who relapses after some sober time it reinforces my desire to never drink again.
When you truly want to stop drinking more than you can come up with excuses to continue drinking, you will stop. Trust me, you will.
This ain't the same as some 7 year old kid whining that he doesn't want to eat his brussels sprouts. This is a lot more serious than that. That is why so many people have responded. We truly care about you.
Funny story... last week I was in a bar so I could watch the basketball game - I disconnected my cable to save money after I lost my job. Guy asked me why I was drinking only water and why I was so knowledgeable on IPAs. One guy was in his early twenties and the other was just over 30. I told them I quit drinking. I already drank more than you two will for the rest of your lives combined. You know what? I have no doubt in my mind about it.
I should have quit drinking 15 years ago when I went into rehab. I should have quit drinking 6 years ago when I went into rehab after a dui. I waited until it cost me my job, my livelihood before I finally said, "Enough!"
I hope that I can help someone make the decision to quit now before that happens to them. That is why I post mostly on the newcomers forum. I still consider myself a newcomer, but I also want to help the newer newcomers in the hopes that they won't have the same story as I to tell. And every time I read a post from someone struggling or from someone who relapses after some sober time it reinforces my desire to never drink again.
When you truly want to stop drinking more than you can come up with excuses to continue drinking, you will stop. Trust me, you will.
This ain't the same as some 7 year old kid whining that he doesn't want to eat his brussels sprouts. This is a lot more serious than that. That is why so many people have responded. We truly care about you.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2015
Location: Phoenix, AZ
Posts: 17
I'm there with you...I'm struggling with the beginnings of sobriety. I can see that it likely will be a process for me. I'm grateful for the advice of people who have been there. I've been reading a lot of threads on SR over the last couple of weeks, and I can see that there is a lot of sympathy and encouragement for people in this position. Initially I was reluctant to post honestly about my situation because I was fearful of being perceived as not committed or not taking it seriously. I'm not sure about the numbers, but it would seem that the people who have a realization one day and put down the bottle forever, on the first try, are in the minority. I feel like the act of signing up on SR and interacting with people is a huge first step, and it's starting to change my thinking.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2014
Location: East Coast USA
Posts: 5,700
DD, I'm pretty much in the same spot as you and have more than once had to write that I drank the previous night. Those who responded did so in manner that fit their respective personalities and approaches. Some were very matter of fact, some took a softer tact, etc., but in not a single instance did I think that anyone was being condescending or condemning me. In their own way they were each trying to help and I appreciate that someone who doesn't know me would take the time to support me and give me advice that they believe is helpful. Were things written that I didn't want to read? You betcha, but that's likely the point. Just as all who came before us, we're going to have to go through some difficulties on our journey and part of that is thinking about things we don't necessarily want to.
I wish you well.
I wish you well.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2011
Location: New England
Posts: 4,420
I will never forget where I was that day that I wanted to stop waking up. Staying sober is something that I work at each day, and I am certainly no where near not even thinking of drinking. All I can tell you is each day that I don't drink makes me stronger.
But, none of it happened without me deciding it was ALL on me to decide I was done drinking. Once I decided that, a lot of the obstacles to stopping went away. Prior to that, I couldn't stop for one reason. I didn't want to.
But, none of it happened without me deciding it was ALL on me to decide I was done drinking. Once I decided that, a lot of the obstacles to stopping went away. Prior to that, I couldn't stop for one reason. I didn't want to.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2013
Location: Midwest
Posts: 4,860
In a web site that is reliably full of wise, empathetic counsel, this thread has to be one of The Greatest Hits of SoberRecovery.com. And that's saying something.
If I may, and I'm doing so with respect, let me offer my two counsel:
1. Read every response you got. These are some of the best posts I've seen in a year and a-half on SR.
2. Re-read your initial post. Think about your reference to what others have offered as "the typical ... 'Just don't pick up BS !" Everyone here who is sober picked up one last time. And then after that, they didn't pick up. It's not BS. It's where everything ends and everything begins.
3. Re-read every response you got until they sink in.
You can do this, Dave. No BS.
If I may, and I'm doing so with respect, let me offer my two counsel:
1. Read every response you got. These are some of the best posts I've seen in a year and a-half on SR.
2. Re-read your initial post. Think about your reference to what others have offered as "the typical ... 'Just don't pick up BS !" Everyone here who is sober picked up one last time. And then after that, they didn't pick up. It's not BS. It's where everything ends and everything begins.
3. Re-read every response you got until they sink in.
You can do this, Dave. No BS.
Court jester
Join Date: Mar 2015
Location: South Florida
Posts: 508
Unfortunately, a desire to do something without taking action, is nothing more than a wish. If wishes could keep us all sober, dare I say that there would be noone suffering from addiction.
As much as you may resent hearing it, there simply is no magic bullet, no perscription, no book to read, no advice to hear. You simply have to not drink, period. That is the only "instant" thing to do in recovery, meaning it can be done this instant.
Once you can do that, than you get to work on the "it takes time" part of recovery which is changing the way you think and feel about yourself and the world around you. This is the spiritual aspect of recovery; the engine that makes the not drinking thing come natural at some point. It's the part of recovery that requires daily attention and practice, the part that you learn more the longer you stay sober. It's the "lifestyle" change.
But first things first bro, if you want sobriety, take it! Don't drink. There is no easy way to accomplish this, you just have to do it.
As much as you may resent hearing it, there simply is no magic bullet, no perscription, no book to read, no advice to hear. You simply have to not drink, period. That is the only "instant" thing to do in recovery, meaning it can be done this instant.
Once you can do that, than you get to work on the "it takes time" part of recovery which is changing the way you think and feel about yourself and the world around you. This is the spiritual aspect of recovery; the engine that makes the not drinking thing come natural at some point. It's the part of recovery that requires daily attention and practice, the part that you learn more the longer you stay sober. It's the "lifestyle" change.
But first things first bro, if you want sobriety, take it! Don't drink. There is no easy way to accomplish this, you just have to do it.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2012
Location: FLAAADAH
Posts: 793
I'am so ashamed.
I'am not sure if my post of last night was a Rant...a vent or a pleading to others to acknowledge the state of my desperation I have arrived at.
I suppose I was trying to voice my desperation and it all just come out the wrong way.
I certainly meant no dissrespect to anyone or to SR as a whole. If anyone was offended I really...REALLY apologize...from the bottom of my heart.
No one has actually made any comments of condemnation towards me in these rooms, in any way... just straightforward "sobering" advise. I just need to start listening...and complying !
I feel that I have felt condemed in my on mind. Just the way alcoholics tend to twist everything out of reality. i guess it is a product of my very faulty thinking.
Everyone has been very compassionate and offered me nothing but sane and sober advice as to what they have been through and how they got to the "other side". I thank You, each and everyone for taking the time to do this for me.
I was not singeling out anyone as being condeming and I apologize profuesly if that is how I came across. I'am so sorry.
Thank You everyone.
Please dont give up on me.
It's meeting time. I'am off.
DD
I'am not sure if my post of last night was a Rant...a vent or a pleading to others to acknowledge the state of my desperation I have arrived at.
I suppose I was trying to voice my desperation and it all just come out the wrong way.
I certainly meant no dissrespect to anyone or to SR as a whole. If anyone was offended I really...REALLY apologize...from the bottom of my heart.
No one has actually made any comments of condemnation towards me in these rooms, in any way... just straightforward "sobering" advise. I just need to start listening...and complying !
I feel that I have felt condemed in my on mind. Just the way alcoholics tend to twist everything out of reality. i guess it is a product of my very faulty thinking.
Everyone has been very compassionate and offered me nothing but sane and sober advice as to what they have been through and how they got to the "other side". I thank You, each and everyone for taking the time to do this for me.
I was not singeling out anyone as being condeming and I apologize profuesly if that is how I came across. I'am so sorry.
Thank You everyone.
Please dont give up on me.
It's meeting time. I'am off.
DD
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