sickNtired77

hi there, i found this site as i feel like im in a place with no one to turn to and need advice from people who know what I'm going through. Lets start with a little background. I was court ordered to attend aa at 19 years old. I had drove my car into incoming traffic down a highway extremely intoxicated to the point of blackout.. my car was crushed very badly and i woke up in the hospital with only a concussion and bruised face where i hit the steering wheel. I knew when i woke that god still had a purpose for me to survive that. In the years after, i had many different actual blackouts that caused harm to me as a person. I have few recollections of the incidents except the out come which included many duis before i turned 21. Aa worked for as long as i went but once things started going good again, i quit going and felt i can control my drinking. I drink to the point of serious intoxication 75 percent of when i do drink. I was in a relationship the past year and a half with a man that loves across from me in my apartment complex. Things have been rocky and many different situations has really messed with our trust of eachother. And each incident involved both of us drinking. We would be sober and never really fought. But when we were drunk, all stops were out. We did have fun alot but a significant amount turned violent, angry, and infidelity on more then one occasion. We quit drinking together and were happy. The last incident lead to a breakup. . A bad one. The next time we were together again, he propositioned that we dont drink anymore. At all. I agreed, of course thinking hed change his mind and we could be responsible and control it..insanity i know. We lasted for awhile and last week started talking about my birthday, which is tommorrow. I wanted to have dinner and mentioned margaritas. He was so angry with me. I saw it that it world be only one night..an yes, i know that it only takes a night to mess up, now i get it.. i was at work the next day setting up for a party, when i had a beer. That's all it took. I got wasted and blacked out. Ended up at another mans house but do not have any recollection of what occured. I woke up with a sense of dread. Looked at my phone. Of course he broke up with me. Says he hates me and probably does.i dont blame him. Im scared and so ashamed..i followed up with a drinking binge this weekend, all alone at my house. I don't usually get hangovers to the degree most do, maybe a headache. This time was different. Im dissapointed in myself, apologize everyday, its been almost a week. He wants nothing to do with me, i feel its really over. Its my birthday tomorrow. Im afraid ill go out and drink but dont want to. Just dont want to be alone. I have no support system.cut out all friends ive made here and have lost all numbers. He wants to come over tonight and pick up his things..i told him i cant see him even though i want to..i cant afford to drink anymore.. i feel he will just go off on me, i am reaching bottom. Any advice is appreciated. Thank you kindly:

CharlesG

God loves us!! Welcome aboard. I had same problems, still have them here and there without the drinking. I too am usually not satisfied with just one. It only adds to my problems
this forum is the best and I hope you choose to stick around!

least

Welcome! The first thing to do is put the bottle down for good. Don't drink for today, and repeat that every day. Surely you can go a day without drinking. Well just do that every day.

I'm glad you joined us. You'll find lots of support here.

djmchammered

Well I'm new here and new to actual recovery. So I am not some guru of knowledge. Do you really love this person and would do whatever it takes to make it work? I'm guessing you went to a guys house for a reason and assuming things happened? I have been in your shoes and things happened on my end. Worst mistake of my life. I know your on a bender and tomorrow is your birthday. Not sure if your ready to give not drinking 100%. If you do decide to drink and I highly suggest you don't, do it with one of your close friends and make them aware you have totally messed up with alcohol so you don't make more mistakes on your bday. But before you do set a quit date! What saved my life with my partner was reading the "magic of making up" you can steal it if you google the name +.pdf however I suggest you purchase it cause it will save you. But come to think about it why did you go to another guys house in the first place? Somedays I wish I didn't read that book and get back with the one I was reading the book for. As yourself can you not live without this person? Then please stop drinking, I need to take that advice as well. I am only 6 days sober.... I am curious how old are you?

FLCamper

Happy birthday! I quit drinking just before my birthday in February. you can give yourself the same gift
Ive learned a lot here on SR. and been inspired by many others on here. One day without a drink is doable.

Verte

Welcome to SR, SnT! It sounds like you are pretty isolated during a time when you really should not be. Do you have health insurance? I would say that finding resources to be in some type of structured, supportive environment is a good idea. Hard to do, but focus on taking care of yourself and making sure you are OK - physically, mentally, emotionally. The relationship can be dealt with later. You could call your insurance company, or 2-1-1, or go to an AA meeting. All have the potential to help you immensely.

There is a lot of support here on SR. Stay logged in and you will not be alone - this saved me for months. We will celebrate you and your birthday!!

strategery

Welcome sickntired!

Reading your thread, I cannot tell if sobriety is ultimately your goal or if it's more that you're hoping he'll take you back with some sober time. Are you wanting to get sober even if this relationship isn't repairable?

Dee74

Give yourself a great birthday present sickNtired77 - stay sober.

Look at the damage drinking has already wrought on you and your relationships. That's not going to get any better but a lot lot worse.

and...make change for yourself - not for someone else. You deserve better - it's time to start treating yourself the way you would like to be treated

I know your fear of being alone but honestly - continuing to drink is a way to ensure that aloneness happens.

I was alone for 10 years - only me and the bottle.
Don't go there

Do something nice for yourself tomorrow

D

nullandv01d

I can identify with it "only taking one." Oh my god I can. The voice that says "where's the next one?!?"

Dee74

You had two identical threads SickNTired so I merged them here for you
D

youngladysober2

I'm in a similar situation. I blacked out and boyfriend broke up with me. it's been a week but the time im apart from him I'm realizing I need to get myself together. A lot of times we get in relationships when we really need to be with ourselves and date ourselves. If you are on the forum you are here because alcohol has made so much damage in your life. You need time to heal ourself from all the drama, and the pain alcohol has brought. Take this time to find you and heal. It's not easy. My wounds are pretty fresh(Last week Tuesday ). of course want my ex back and hope he can forgive me and we live happily ever after but I do know of I want a happy ever after with him or any other man I CAN'T DRINK Hang in there.

Para

Welcome to SR!
Isn't it crazy how only one little beer can take us into a blackout and into a most likely unsafe and destructible situation? What a disease this is!
Only one beer! Wow.
That has happened to me so many times, and it's a good reminder for me and you and all of us!
I wish you the best!

sva777

It seems so hard yet so simple. quitting for good would solve so many problems you mention. The bottle never brings us good, it contains an evil genie that trys to trick us time and time again.

CuteNGayYay

"I know your fear of being alone but honestly - continuing to drink is a way to ensure that aloneness happens."

Wow Dee. I like that.. and its so the truth.

Pouncer

Exactly.

Get sober for yourself and stay logged in here. There are a lot of warm and friendly people here 24-7. This site made all the difference to me.

Welcome to SR!

PurpleKnight

Welcome to the Forum SickNTired!!

sickNtired77

I wanted to thank all of you for responding to my post. It means alot, support from people who actually know whats its like. I am proud to say, ive been sober two days, joined a gym, and hope for the best.. i think the scariest thing is knowing that one little slip can put me in such a vulnerable state. Im 24, so its like most people my age want to go out and have a drink or two and they can. Go home happy. Im not like them. Im doing this for me and my health. Its still a raw wound but im doing it differently this time. Taking care of me. I have let him be for now, its all i can do on that. On my phone right now, will message more later. Thank you for the support, im glad to be here

MelindaFlowers

I didn't black out every time I drank but when I did, I did outrageous and destructive things including once waking up covered in blood after busting my chin. From one blackout drinker to another, it only gets worse and I'll state the obvious. The only way to never blackout again is to stop drinking. It sounds so simple but I wheeled and dealed my way, trying desperately to figure out a way to continue drinking without blacking out. I'd have it down for a week or maybe even a month where I would only drink 12 or so and would not black out. I would just slur and stumble around the house but no more blackouts for me! I remembered every drunken conversation on the phone to people I don't usually call. I remembered every inappropriate/oversharing/angry post on Facebook.

But then, a month later I'd black out again. What the heck? I thought I wasn't going to blackout anymore.

I was worried that I may kill or injure someone in a random blackout. It's not out of the question.