3 weeks today...not feeling the happiness
Court jester
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2015
Location: South Florida
Posts: 508
3 weeks today...not feeling the happiness
So it's 3 weeks today. Having had 23 years of sobriety prior, 3 weeks is like "eh, whatever".
You probably know the saying: when you sober up a drunken horse thief, you still have a horse thief. This last time I drank over emotional distress from anxiety, depression and an overall feeling of complete disillusionment with my life and the world around me. In fact, to be totally honest, I reached a point at 45 years old where I felt that I had accomplished all that I was meant to accomplish on this earth. I honestly could not find a new purpose after I had achieved all of my life goals. And when I tried to find a new goal (relationship, more advanced degrees etc) I met with zero success time and time again. I was miserable.
So I drank. And drinking brought me daily happiness. When I started this previous drinking career, I set firm boundaries. I promised myself that if I ever got to a point where continuing would lead to serious consequences, I would quit before those consequences could become reality. At least 23 years prior taught me some common sense. It took two years, but I got to that point and voluntarily quit while I was still able to before anything hit the fan.
Today, I'm starting to feel that unhappiness and disillusionment that I felt before I started drinking. I'm the sober horse thief as it were. If anything, there is more responsibility today for me since I now have to do things to ensure my sobriety (meetings, posting here etc.) and frankly, today I'm a bit resentful about it.
I am fully cognizant of the fact that 21 days is a drop in the bucket when it comes to the time it may take for the promises of a sober life to come to fruition. Been there before. Nonetheless, I feel how I feel today even though it flies in the face of rational thought.
No, I'm not drinking tonight. On the contrary, this post is evidence that I am doing the work not to.
Thanks for listening family!
You probably know the saying: when you sober up a drunken horse thief, you still have a horse thief. This last time I drank over emotional distress from anxiety, depression and an overall feeling of complete disillusionment with my life and the world around me. In fact, to be totally honest, I reached a point at 45 years old where I felt that I had accomplished all that I was meant to accomplish on this earth. I honestly could not find a new purpose after I had achieved all of my life goals. And when I tried to find a new goal (relationship, more advanced degrees etc) I met with zero success time and time again. I was miserable.
So I drank. And drinking brought me daily happiness. When I started this previous drinking career, I set firm boundaries. I promised myself that if I ever got to a point where continuing would lead to serious consequences, I would quit before those consequences could become reality. At least 23 years prior taught me some common sense. It took two years, but I got to that point and voluntarily quit while I was still able to before anything hit the fan.
Today, I'm starting to feel that unhappiness and disillusionment that I felt before I started drinking. I'm the sober horse thief as it were. If anything, there is more responsibility today for me since I now have to do things to ensure my sobriety (meetings, posting here etc.) and frankly, today I'm a bit resentful about it.
I am fully cognizant of the fact that 21 days is a drop in the bucket when it comes to the time it may take for the promises of a sober life to come to fruition. Been there before. Nonetheless, I feel how I feel today even though it flies in the face of rational thought.
No, I'm not drinking tonight. On the contrary, this post is evidence that I am doing the work not to.
Thanks for listening family!
Seriously though I am really glad you are riding today out Member
Join Date: Mar 2014
Posts: 25,373
Gratitude list. It will change you.
I have a 15 year old Subaru. It is nicer than the homes of a lot of people in third world countries. I have hot water. I have food and a roof over my head. I am healthy for an old broad
Grateful.
That is all.
I have a 15 year old Subaru. It is nicer than the homes of a lot of people in third world countries. I have hot water. I have food and a roof over my head. I am healthy for an old broad
Grateful.
That is all.
Its a cold and its a broken hallelujah.
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 2,887
HIya Bmac.
Maybe you feel restless because you got sober so young ? If my math skills serve me right, that's sober at 22 ?
As someone who's twenties and thirties were basically spent daily over a toilet bowl, my sobriety at 45 feels like Im just coming Alive. So many things I never did because I couldn't commit. Learning to golf, community theatre, learning an new instrument, flying lessons, hiking Mt Rainier, living in Sedona, running a marathon, learning to paint, yoga, freestyle dance, apprenticing at an Indian restaurant, building new muscle, driving stick shift, hang gliding, an airboat tour, scuba diving, Europe....
My list goes on and on.
It has been said, your forties are like the twilight of your youth. Could you really have accomplished EVERYTHING ?
Or maybe, just maybe, that's the old AV running the show ?
Maybe you feel restless because you got sober so young ? If my math skills serve me right, that's sober at 22 ?
As someone who's twenties and thirties were basically spent daily over a toilet bowl, my sobriety at 45 feels like Im just coming Alive. So many things I never did because I couldn't commit. Learning to golf, community theatre, learning an new instrument, flying lessons, hiking Mt Rainier, living in Sedona, running a marathon, learning to paint, yoga, freestyle dance, apprenticing at an Indian restaurant, building new muscle, driving stick shift, hang gliding, an airboat tour, scuba diving, Europe....
My list goes on and on.
It has been said, your forties are like the twilight of your youth. Could you really have accomplished EVERYTHING ?
Or maybe, just maybe, that's the old AV running the show ?
Member
Join Date: Aug 2014
Location: New Orleans, LA
Posts: 985
BMac -
As someone who also had many years of sobriety, and then reached a place in their life in which "everything was complete," and began drinking again, only to - once again - decide on abstinence, I am dealing with many similar issues.
I'm in my eighth month though, and where at three weeks I was still wondering "why bother?" some magic has entered my life in the meantime (ok, there was a bit o' work involved, not entirely magic) which has given me purpose (at least for now).
By 42 years old, I had raised my two children, completed a couple of degrees, had a few interesting and fulfilling careers, traveled, married and divorced, expressed myself in the world through my writing and music, had adventures, etc. etc.
I found an old notebook in it with my "bucket list" inside - crafted in my twenties. Every single thing on that list was complete, except for "travel to Australia" (still in the plans - I'll be visiting you, Dee!) and "have an adventure in Alaska" (a task with which I have been powerfully engaged for the last six years). Other than that, pages and pages were covered with crossed out plans and dreams, all fulfilled. I had actually hit that place in life (a life fully lived) where I had played out every single one of my intentions!
So, I started drinking again. I mean - what the hell - why not? There was nothing left to achieve (except that adventure in Alaska, for which drinking was likely an essential element!).
As I've written about before, my current sobriety odyssey came about as a result of a medical condition for which I was to quit drinking. I have since resolved that condition, and so here I am... waiting in the empty space...and sometimes asking "why bother?" to this question of remaining in sobriety.
Like you, I don't have a partner, don't have anyone I am accountable to. My family of origin is primarily dead and gone, my friends like my pirate self, my career is well constructed, and my children are grown.
Back to the magic. That ennui was because I had no one to care for. At least that's what I finally figured out. No one to care for and thus no one to care if I remained in sobriety or not.
But then....I got a puppy. My puppy cares. I am a great puppy mama sober. I have the money to pay for vet visits. I have the time to go to agility class. I have the patience to care for a puppy in the wee hours without getting cranky.
And then...my adult daughter hit a bottom and needed recovery. She moved to Alaska and is living with me and has thrown herself into sobriety with all her being. I am a great daughter mama sober. I have the money to absorb her costs. I have the time to accompany her to a meeting. I have the patience to listen to her struggles in the wee hours without getting cranky.
So, maybe there's no list and no partner and no new achievement I need to conquer.
There is, though, life - just swirling all around me. My only goal at this point in my life is to be available, be ready, be attentive - just to be - as life offers things to me.
It is a new Zen, and it is very uncomfortable at times and then at other times I am floored by how simple and perfect it is. The whole "chop wood and fetch water" thing. Just noticing. Staying sober. Feeling things. Being present.
And yes, at some point I'll need to construct a new list maybe, build some direction. But maybe not. Maybe, my only job is to wait. And be ready.
It's not as glamorous as "big dreams" are. But I figure that most humans must come to some point when their "big dreams" dissipate - either because they've been fulfilled or given up on. When we hit that next stage, it is our option to feel depressed and empty OR we can consider it as an opportunity to expand from our own ego-based dreaming and just be part of the world's dream. A spiritual opportunity. A chance to be surprised at what happens next...
As someone who also had many years of sobriety, and then reached a place in their life in which "everything was complete," and began drinking again, only to - once again - decide on abstinence, I am dealing with many similar issues.
I'm in my eighth month though, and where at three weeks I was still wondering "why bother?" some magic has entered my life in the meantime (ok, there was a bit o' work involved, not entirely magic) which has given me purpose (at least for now).
By 42 years old, I had raised my two children, completed a couple of degrees, had a few interesting and fulfilling careers, traveled, married and divorced, expressed myself in the world through my writing and music, had adventures, etc. etc.
I found an old notebook in it with my "bucket list" inside - crafted in my twenties. Every single thing on that list was complete, except for "travel to Australia" (still in the plans - I'll be visiting you, Dee!) and "have an adventure in Alaska" (a task with which I have been powerfully engaged for the last six years). Other than that, pages and pages were covered with crossed out plans and dreams, all fulfilled. I had actually hit that place in life (a life fully lived) where I had played out every single one of my intentions!
So, I started drinking again. I mean - what the hell - why not? There was nothing left to achieve (except that adventure in Alaska, for which drinking was likely an essential element!).
As I've written about before, my current sobriety odyssey came about as a result of a medical condition for which I was to quit drinking. I have since resolved that condition, and so here I am... waiting in the empty space...and sometimes asking "why bother?" to this question of remaining in sobriety.
Like you, I don't have a partner, don't have anyone I am accountable to. My family of origin is primarily dead and gone, my friends like my pirate self, my career is well constructed, and my children are grown.
Back to the magic. That ennui was because I had no one to care for. At least that's what I finally figured out. No one to care for and thus no one to care if I remained in sobriety or not.
But then....I got a puppy. My puppy cares. I am a great puppy mama sober. I have the money to pay for vet visits. I have the time to go to agility class. I have the patience to care for a puppy in the wee hours without getting cranky.
And then...my adult daughter hit a bottom and needed recovery. She moved to Alaska and is living with me and has thrown herself into sobriety with all her being. I am a great daughter mama sober. I have the money to absorb her costs. I have the time to accompany her to a meeting. I have the patience to listen to her struggles in the wee hours without getting cranky.
So, maybe there's no list and no partner and no new achievement I need to conquer.
There is, though, life - just swirling all around me. My only goal at this point in my life is to be available, be ready, be attentive - just to be - as life offers things to me.
It is a new Zen, and it is very uncomfortable at times and then at other times I am floored by how simple and perfect it is. The whole "chop wood and fetch water" thing. Just noticing. Staying sober. Feeling things. Being present.
And yes, at some point I'll need to construct a new list maybe, build some direction. But maybe not. Maybe, my only job is to wait. And be ready.
It's not as glamorous as "big dreams" are. But I figure that most humans must come to some point when their "big dreams" dissipate - either because they've been fulfilled or given up on. When we hit that next stage, it is our option to feel depressed and empty OR we can consider it as an opportunity to expand from our own ego-based dreaming and just be part of the world's dream. A spiritual opportunity. A chance to be surprised at what happens next...
Member
Join Date: Jul 2012
Location: Florida
Posts: 285
I'm floored at the sober time you had before you relapsed. It just shows all of us that we need to keep our guard up before that first drink. Glad you're here and I enjoy reading your intelligent posts!
Member
Join Date: Apr 2015
Location: cedar falls iowa
Posts: 5
want to find happiness, go find it. Key word GO. You said it your self a sober (drunk-horse-thief) is still a thief. I can promises you happiness will NOT find you. Go out and follow a dream, do something completely different. Don't wait for it to happen cause it to. Be spontaneous, grab someone ( not to tight ) and say lets go do -------, Good luck buddy I was a strange spontaneous person my first 3 years, but people did hang with me because they didn't know what this sober idiot would come up with next.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2010
Location: NC
Posts: 1,737
Bmac,
In the realm of sobriety, gratitude is a verb not a noun. You DON'T "have to do things to ensure your sobriety" - you GET to do things to ensure your sobriety.
‘Progress is impossible without change; and those who cannot change their minds, cannot change anything.’ - George Bernard Shaw
In the realm of sobriety, gratitude is a verb not a noun. You DON'T "have to do things to ensure your sobriety" - you GET to do things to ensure your sobriety.
‘Progress is impossible without change; and those who cannot change their minds, cannot change anything.’ - George Bernard Shaw
Administrator
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,435
'eh whatever' was pretty much how I felt for a while. I resigned myself to feeling this was as good as recovery got.
It wasn't - it got a lot better - I just really underestimated the damage I'd done to mind and body
Keep on trucking. Have faith. It'll get better Bmac.
D
It wasn't - it got a lot better - I just really underestimated the damage I'd done to mind and body
Keep on trucking. Have faith. It'll get better Bmac.
D
A simple guy making his way
Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: Maine
Posts: 7,867
23 years is too much and three weeks not enough for you huh? Completed the mission of life eh? Hit a few missteps in love? Schooling? You were able to go right to a cliffs edge and stop just before falling off. Wow... Thats really a strong person to do that.
Bmac.... Have you got a case of buyers remorse? Sure sounds like it.
You bought into AV thinking and it shows in your words. AV telling you three weeks is a drop in the bucket. There are people here that cry at the thought of themselves having three weeks and you scoff at it because you had so much more.
Any day we live sober matters. We all know tomorrow is not a promise.
You stand out on SR for me. Smart. Funny. Lots of energy and positive energy. A real good guy.
Go easy on yourself. Stop buying what AV is selling. Live in this day and not on your laurels or failures.
Ken
Bmac.... Have you got a case of buyers remorse? Sure sounds like it.
You bought into AV thinking and it shows in your words. AV telling you three weeks is a drop in the bucket. There are people here that cry at the thought of themselves having three weeks and you scoff at it because you had so much more.
Any day we live sober matters. We all know tomorrow is not a promise.
You stand out on SR for me. Smart. Funny. Lots of energy and positive energy. A real good guy.
Go easy on yourself. Stop buying what AV is selling. Live in this day and not on your laurels or failures.
Ken
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