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pnod 04-02-2015 08:26 AM

Thinking of Quitting - Not Yet Though (LONG)
 
Hello all,

I am new here and wanted to at least tell a little bit of my story so that I can finally get it out there. It's not a good read and I am not a good writer. I just want to tell someone where I am at this point and what I am thinking.

I am turning 40 later this year. For the past few years I have thought that before I turn 40 I will quit drinking. That sounded great while I had a year or 2 to wait. Not that I have any real issues yet. I could stand to lose some weight and as I will tell you about, I am having an issue with gout caused by drinking. Otherwise I do not really have any issues...YET

I think of quitting almost every day now that I am getting closer to 40.

First - I am not saying I am better, different or in denial... However, I also am not that "bad" I realize I have an addiction to alcohol and I use it as a drug to cope with stress or think I an releaving boredom.

I have been drinking on and off for 25 years. The last 3 years I have drank almost every day. I drink beer 90% of the time and always craft beer with higher alcohol levels and flavor. I like to think I am some lover of fine beer rather than a drunk. We all know the truth about this, but it sounds good when I tell myself that.

I was just a the Dr's and had a lot tests run and came back perfect on everything, but BP was a little high. I always had great BP until now. I have no legal issues - knock on wood. For the most part the only negative is my wife does not like it. We argue when I drink, but we argue just as often when I do not. She has her own problem as she smokes pot all day every day. She is not a lazy pothead. She takes care of business, but that is here crutch and she feels it is okay, but me drinking is not. That is another story though.

I did have an issue with gout a few weeks back and can say that drinking beer is probably the reason for that. If you have never had a gout attack trust me you do not want one. My foot was in so much pain that as a 39 y/o man I was crying trying to just get myself from bed to the restroom. I was literally bed-ridden for 3 days. My wife would not allow me to drink. Without issue, I went 5 days without drinking. The only issue I had was night sweats for the first 3-4 days. Nothing else really bothered me about not drinking. Keep in mind I was not trying or planning on stopping at this point. I knew full well as soon as I was able to I would return to my ways. After 5 days, and feeling a lot better, I had to travel cross Country and usually airline travel (Something I do a lot) is a perfect excuse for me to drink. This time I spent 8 hours on 2 flights and did not have a single drink - only because I knew it would not help my gout. When I got to my destination I met up with a co-worker at the hotel bar and had martini. I actually had 2, but that is it for someone that averages 12 craft beers or more a night.

I really never even felt anything from those 2 drinks and woke up feeling fine. The next night I went back to regular pattern of a 12 pack and with exception of only 2 nights in the past 2 weeks have done the same since.

I only drink at night or when traveling/special occasion that might make me start early. 90% of the time it is simply me at home drinking with the wife and kids doing their own thing. I guess being a little ashamed, and also knowing my wife disapproves my drinking, I either stay in my office or another location where they are not. Once my wife is not around I then will play card/board games with the kids if it's not too late. When I travel I often do the same in my hotel room or at the bar if work is paying the tab or co-workers are there drinking as well. I almost never go to a bar alone nor do I drive while drinking.

So now I am really thinking of quitting.

Question for anyone - is this anything like quitting smoking?

I smoked 1-2 packs a day for 15 years and only quit once. That was 8 years ago. I am disgusted by smoke now and would never go near one nor do I ever crave it. It really only took me a few weeks to get over the hump back then and I was fine. The thing is I knew I was never going to smoke again. I knew it. The problem now is I feel like I could cut back on drinking and maybe only drink 3-4 nights a week and somehow this is okay. I know it is not. I have a problem. I am just scared to stop and say I will never drink again. I never enjoyed smoking. I do feel like I enjoy drinking. I want to get to that mindset that I am not giving up drinking I am gaining so much else.

I feel I am waiting for that moment I know I will stop and never drink again. I can visualize it and actually have positive feelings toward sobriety. I am not sure what I am afraid of, but I am scared.

Thanks for listening and I hope to post here more as I get closer and of course when I stop I will be happy to have support of others.

:tyou

Nonsensical 04-02-2015 08:33 AM

Welcome to SR!


Originally Posted by pnod (Post 5296862)
I am not sure what I am afraid of, but I am scared.

Fear of sobriety is a hallmark of addiction. It's completely irrational, but very very real. I was loaded with it.

Now I can barely remember what I was afraid of. I never knew I was a slave until I was free.

anattaboy 04-02-2015 08:38 AM

Pnod, I was where you're at many times till I drew the line and stood on this side of it "no matter what". and "you know what?" It hasn't been bad at all--nothing at all that I feared it would be. I always increased consumption after cutting back for a short while. I think you owe it to yourself to give abstinence a try.

Chewy88 04-02-2015 08:41 AM

Sounds like you are most definitely in denial and I say that with peace and love

Non alcoholics don't drink 12 beers every night, period.

ScottFromWI 04-02-2015 08:45 AM

Welcome to SR pnod, and thanks for sharing your story. Mine was a lot like yours...i was exclusively a beer drinker and what most would probably call "beer snob" in regards to craft beers, etc. However, as you have hinted to - I used that excuse to overlook the fact that I was really just drinking for the alcohol content contained within. It really doesn't matter if it's beer, whiskey or wine - the alcohol is the same across the board.

It's great that your health, job and social life are still in tact. Drinking can, and does take those things away from many people who drink alcoholically - the only variable is WHEN it goes bad. For me it was around 42..that's when I started drinking heavily every day. Within about a year, I found myself drinking simply to stave off the withdrawals every day and drinking was something I NEEDED to do rather than wanted to do.

Read lots and ask lots of questions...there is plenty of support here and lots of information about the many different ways you can go about it.

Verte 04-02-2015 08:56 AM


Originally Posted by pnod (Post 5296862)
I feel I am waiting for that moment I know I will stop and never drink again. I can visualize it and actually have positive feelings toward sobriety.
I am not sure what I am afraid of, but I am scared.

I totally get this! Most everyone here does as well, I would bet. Alcohol for me was the trump card in my back pocket. No matter what happened or came my way, I always had beer and wine to get me through. In this way I never really carried a continuous line of thought or emotion through many significant experiences in my adult life. Once I started drinking, everything stopped for me...like a glacial freeze. I can give many examples but I will spare you.

It has been almost one year of not drinking for me. The fear has dissipated. I am certain that I can live well without alcohol. Agh! It is so liberating.

Welcome to SR, pnod. There are great people, experiences and resources here. Stick around.

:grouphug:

rednails 04-02-2015 09:29 AM

I am a newbie and only on day 4 but I would say 12 beers (with high percentages) is not healthy.

I have not quit smoking yet, but I would ASSUME that drinking is a little different. If you quit cold turkey, you will still go through withdrawals if you've developed a physical dependency on alcohol. I assume quitting smoking is a lot more difficult physically than alcohol is, but then again, I haven't quit smoking, and I (luckily) have not gone through any alcohol withdrawals so I'm just guessing, but trying to put my two cents in.

Why don't you just stop for a few days? I know telling yourself you'll cut back is difficult, if you are an alcohol abuser it's hard to stick to your guns once you've had a few.

My idea was to just stop for a week and we'll see where it goes from there, because I, like you, am not really digging the idea of quitting drinking forever. Although I will say these past four days have been pretty nice =).

Best of luck.

Frixion 04-02-2015 09:49 AM

Hey, this is what I see from you. You care a ton about your family, and you don't know what life looks like without booze. Well I can tell you this, without booze your life will be longer, you will live life rather than haze through it, you will be far more productive, your health and outlook on life will get better, you will be able to set an amazing example for your family and ultimately change their life for the better, and well the list goes on... there are a million benefits to sobriety.

Sobriety can be difficult, but overall the outcome are very much worth it (ten fold). You know you have a problem, and what should happen to problems? They should be solved. So just solve the problem in front of you and quit drinking today, right now.

MIRecovery 04-02-2015 10:02 AM

The best time for an alcoholic to quit is now. The best time an active alcoholic to quit is tomorrow because tomorrow never comes as it is always today

Soberwolf 04-02-2015 10:03 AM

Welcome

pnod 04-02-2015 10:10 AM

WOW! Thank you all for reading this as well as the kind comments and understanding. It's great to know I am not alone.

I have been lurking for about a week on this site so I figured if I participate it might help speed up my progress :)

Thanks again everyone.

Cathryn2001 04-02-2015 10:42 AM

I just wanted to say, "Welcome!"

You definitely aren't alone. I started to realize that my consumption wasn't "typical" in my mid to late thirties, but I generated a lot of rationalizations. I only drank light beer (no connoisseur here!), rarely drank during the day (except special events/holidays), never drove after drinking, met many of my family's needs, etc.

Things really ramped up after that. I never did cross those "justification" lines, but I realized that I was skirting a lot of truths. I may not have drank during the day but I definitely packed some pretty heavy consumption into my evenings. I wasn't really emotionally available for my family--I was either obsessing about my next drink or chasing the buzz. I may have been indulging in light beer, but whether or now I wanted to acknowledge it, it had to have been taking a toll on my health.

On this board, I've met many people who made the decision to stop around the age of 40. When I first decided to quit, I couldn't imagine life without alcohol, but then again, I really couldn't imagine continuing a life that I knew was inevitably destined for disaster. The shame was killing me. My children never mentioned my drinking while I was doing it, but I can tell you that they sure as he!l have trumpeted how happy they are that I stopped. Kids always notice what you're doing, y'know? Even when you attempt to hide the cans/bottles and sips/gulps. My biggest fear was that my boys would end up drinking young and justifying it because that's what they saw at home.

You sound like a lovely dad and husband. You also sound like you are reflective and moving in a really good direction. Stick around here. I've been sober for a year and a half, primarily using the good people on this site as a support. It's amazing to know that other folks "get it."

Best of luck to you!

Nowsthetime 04-02-2015 10:56 AM

Hello and welcome!!!

I am going to sound like a broken record because I tend to say this a lot but you know what is right in your heart. You know it's not okay that you drink every night and that amount of beers. If you have been thinking about it and feel uncomfortable with it then there must be something there...

Welcome to the fam. Read a lot and post when u need to. And thank you for the candor on your title but remember that tomorrow never comes.

doggonecarl 04-02-2015 11:03 AM


Originally Posted by pnod (Post 5296862)
I feel I am waiting for that moment I know I will stop and never drink again.

At age forty I started to think I should quit drinking. I thought about it until I was 53.

Don't think too long. And don't wait for the decision to quit to become an easy one. Because it won't. But the decision to quit and never drink can be made right now. And it can stick.

Good luck. I hope you read around the forum. Your story, your indecision, has been told and retold countless times.

PurpleKnight 04-02-2015 12:37 PM

Welcome to the Forum!! :wave:

Dee74 04-02-2015 05:01 PM

Welcome pnod :)

This alcoholism thing is progressive, There's a good chance the longer you drink, the worse it's going to get, and the more things you value you're going to lose.

What is guaranteed is the longer you put off quitting the harder that quitting is going to be.

I know you're scared. I was too.

I had no idea how to live soberly or what sober me might be like....but I stubbornly and foolishly drank to the point to where I had no choice but to quit or die.

The good news is - it worked out great. I quit a few months before my 40th birthday.

It took a little work besides just not drinking, but my life has never been so full and I've never been so happy.

I hope you'll take that leap of faith soon too.

Trust me, noone would stay sober if they lost out on the deal.
Take solace form the success stories here pnod :)

D

Chuck39 04-02-2015 08:07 PM

Your situation sounds very, very familiar. I am just a month sober but let me say this ... it's already better. And it's going to keep getting better. The early days/weeks are not fun ... so prepare yourself and power through. You strike me as someone who will fully commit once you make up your mind so make up your mind and get to it. Once the fog slowly begins to lift you will be blessed with something I hadn't felt in a long time -- mental clarity. And from that place, then you can decide whether all of the benefits of sobriety outweigh all of the disappointments of active drinking. Welcome ... just get cozy.

MrLofg0029 04-02-2015 08:13 PM

I skimmed but didn't read. Poke around if you want but sobriety (this is called Sober Recovery) works better if you're not drinking.

You sound like me before my drinking got REALLY bad. Worse than I could've imagined. It happened fast.

Good luck.

Kaneda8888 04-02-2015 09:27 PM

Hi Pnod

I wouldn't know if you are an alcoholic though 12 beers a night is quite a bit. Certainly I would say that you are a heavy drinker. Coming from OZ, there are many heavy drinkers who may or may not have an issue with alcohol.

One query I would have is what does alcohol do for you ? Is it a crutch or a type of pressure relief valve ? Is there an alternative ? Also, did your drinking increase when you quit smoking ? Maybe the answers to these queries will help you towards how you view your drinking and what to do about it !

least 04-02-2015 09:46 PM

Welcome! :) I was afraid to stop drinking too. But my fears were unfounded and I now have a better life in every sense of the word. I only wish I'd quit sooner. :)


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