Eliasson

i posted before that my old AA friends want me to go to inpatient rehab. I looked into it. They are out of network on my insurance, and if you've read my previous posts you can probably see that I have no say in my marriage on where the money is spent. I just want help staying sober. But because I can't do it the way they say I should, they have literally said "goodbye and good luck with that".
I remember going to AA and seeing a sign that said something to the effect of "whenever someone reaches out for help, I want the hand of AA to be there". That doesn't seem to be the case. I understand, to some extent, that I am a difficult case and people are probably tired of trying to help me and I fail them. But I feel at this point if I'm rejected by AA too, how hopeless am I? I gave up on myself a long time ago. And they have too. So I give up.

Dee74

I'm not sure why anyone would abandon you if you can't do rehab.

That doesn't add up, especially in an AA group.

did you get that 'goodbye and good luck' response from one person or the group at large?

Has no one offered to be your sponsor and taker you through the Steps?

Are there other meetings or other AA groups in your town Eliasson?

D

Ali2013

AA has not given up on you. Don't give up on yourself!!!

ramius

If you give up on yourself others sometimes can't hep but follow suit. You need to believe that being sober is what you want and make it a goal. This may be a disease but it is also a choice at the end of the day. Hang on there!

Eliasson

My old sponsor. And many of the women in that group. I totally get it. I've made so many attempts at sobriety and have failed. I feel bad for wasting anyone's time and energy. It's just hard because AA is supposed to be a group that understands this disease and what I'm struggling with. If even they don't want anything to do with me, where do I turn?

Carlotta

What happened?
Are you still drinking?
You know we can only help people who are willing to help themselves so it goes both way...don't give up on yourself.

Signed: The helping hand of AA (one of many)

Dee74

If you can't find someone in your current group who will sponsor you & believe in you, I'd find a new group Eliasson - even if you have to travel a little

D

Tamerua

Where do you keep drinking? Like, a certain step? After certain situations? Are you using the numbers prior to drinking?

qzvar

Why did you fail?

2muchpain

Eliasson,

Ask yourself this; why do you go to those AA meetings? Why are you here, posting on SR? Why do you do all the things you do to stay sober?

As hard as it is, try not to let other people steer you off the path your on. For the most part, they are no different than anybody you meet outside those meetings. Some will be supportive, some won't. I once was told at a meeting that I was a loser because I relapsed. Those AA slogans are nice, but not everybody follows them.

The only thing that is important is that you stay focused why you do all the things you are doing to stay sober.
IMHO, the only person that needs to believe in you is you and don't let anything that life throws at you change that. That stuff has nothing to do with who you are. John

Eliasson

Carlotta, I'm 4 days sober this time. Tamerua, I don't like to make excuses because ultimately I'm responsible for my choices, but I think I may be in an abusive marriage and at this point I drink to cope. I don't know. I've tried so hard to just focus on my faults. I don't want to blame anyone else. Thank you so much to everyone for the continued advice and support.

Dee74

I hope you can find a way to get sober and stay that way Eliasson.
I think you'll be better able to deal with those other issues with some sober time

It's not simply a matter of AA or not cos many of us have gotten sober without AA.
Have you thought of joining the Class of April support thread for example?

http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...-2015-a-4.html

it's a small step but another layer of support to help you keep yourself sober

D

Serenidad

Do you think maybe they are showing some tough love because they don't want to see you die? AA & the people in the meetings can't help you unless you stop drinking. I've heard people in AA say " Alcoholics Anonymous is for people who WANT it, not for people who need it.

I've observed people in AA detaching from people who continue to drink b/c they feel that their time would be better spent helping people who WANT it. I've seen so many people die in and out of the rooms. It's so sad. Do you think they are trying tough love with you? Because they care and are afraid you're going to die?

I'm so sorry you feel abandoned. I'm sure these women are just scared & fear for your life. I will pray for you. Don't give up!!!

qzvar

You didn't answer me, but that was the expected answer. My question in response is when will you choose to focus on being? You are a person, a complex of virtues and vices. Your vices aren't the root cause of your misery.

Carlotta

Four days is a very good start

You would not be the first member here who became sober while in an abusive relationship or living with an active alcoholic or both.

Some had to move out in order to work on their sobriety and others (like me with my XABF) had to find other ways to cope. Al Anon was a God send for me. Drinking is not a good way to cope. It is only adding more abusing onto yourself as if it was not bad enough that your partner abuses you, you have to hurt yourself too.

I would recommend that you call the national DV hotline
The National Domestic Violence Hotline | 24/7 Confidential Support
1-800-799-7233

Dealing with abuse it is especially important that you remain sober so you can have your wits about you and also so you can get outside support.
Unfortunately, if you are drinking, your partner can make up any story and he will be the one who is believed. It goes for the police but also with friends, families and in some cases the medical establishment.

Call that number and see what your options are and right now, don't pick up the first drink no matter what.

Mountainmanbob

Excellent question, because I have never known an AA meeting at large to act in such a way. We have a Lady in my home group that continually goes back out and we always welcome her back with open arms.

After all, the newcomer is the most important person at any meeting.

At this time I'm on a mini vacation out in Borrego Springs. This is a very small little town where they crave for newcomers. A lady here years back had the hardest time staying sober. She had so many 30, 60 and 90 tokens that we all had lost count. Guess what? She is the guest speaker this Saturday and has 2 years sober now.

Don't ever give up, and don't let anything said by anyone ever keep you away from an AA meeting.

Mountainman Bob

Carlotta

PS: There are 4 AA members that I know of (myself included) who posted on this thread so obviously "AA" has not given up on you.

Eliasson

Serinadad, yes it probably is tough love. I understand. They don't know what else to do. And obviously I keep failing so I have no idea what is best for me I'm trying to keep that all in perspective. I'm really trying to keep it all in perspective. Yes, Dee, I should probably try to find a different group. I can't judge everything on just a few people and I know my first alcoholic instinct is to turn things around and blame others. So I'm trying not to take that rejection personally. I will try not to give up. Thank you so much for all of your insight and support

EndGameNYC

If you think that you're in an abusive relationship, then you probably are. Abused spouses are "taught" by their abuser to believe that what's really going on is not the truth, as well as their feelings attached to their abuse. They're also taught that the abuser's problems are their fault. Having to ask permission to spend money is a red flag for abuse, an attempt at limiting one's partner's movements and activities, and ultimately isolating them from the help they need. Or worse (for the abuser), finding someone who validates the abuse.

None of us knows what you are going through at home, but it can't hurt to get some help. I would never pressure you to do anything you don't want to do, but it's possible that talking about both your struggles with alcohol and the abuse at home here on SR could be helpful. There's also a Friends and Family section that might work for you.

Tamerua

Hi Eli, regarding the abusive relationship, I want to echo what Carlotta said.

As for my questions last night, it isn't to make excuses. it is to understand where it is happening so that you can identify what is happening and curb that behavior. In my women's group, we had a woman who would get 30 days and then drink. She lost her job and was about to lose her kids and it came down to fear of the steps, she was scared to death of step 4. Maybe it is something like that for you, I don't know. But you're worth it and it sounds like rehab is off the table so it is important to find out what it is.

We are all drinks but that doesn't mean we all understand each others' journey. Hang in there, keep posting. Reach out to people before you drink. Either here, or call those numbers from the women in your group.