Serenidad

How do you forgive yourself for all the terrible things you did when you were drinking?

As I come out the "fog" of addiction...the guilt, shame & remorse is sooo strong. I truly feel like I lost a year of my life during my relapse...missing time with my kids, husband etc.....Gaining weight, spending $ we don't have etc...losing my confidence & self esteem...the list goes on....

How do I look in the mirror again?

Feeling sad. :-(

IOAA2

HI.

My suggestion of a way is to not repeat the past by not drinking again.

I made so many “I’m sorrys” they were worn out.

BE WELL

Dee74

there comes a time when you need to accept we can;t change the past, I think.
We need to draw a line in the sand and move on.

Of course it's rarely an event like that - its almost always a process, taking a little time, determination and faith in ourselves.

You can do so much with your today serenidad - don't forget that

D

chordcowboy

Hi

been asking myself the same question recently. I am trying to stand in the shoes of my family and think 'what do they want from me now?' I think the last thing they want is for me to dwell on the past, feel down, self-flagellate. They know where that leads....

I am quite certain they want me to be optimistic, brave, strong, joyful, easy to be around, caring etc. So I am trying to do those things and not invest too much in rethinking the past - about which I can nothing useful.

So, I can't tell you exactly HOW to forgive yourself, but I do feel certain that you must, that we all must. I am thinking about it more as a balancing the books exercise. How can I live a good life in the years between now and when I die?

What's done is done. I am at times sorry, regretful and embarrassed but I can't do a single useful thing about most of it.....

The present, however, that is another story thank goodness!

Best wishes to you

CC

TroyW

By remembering all the good things you've done. All the times when you were a shoulder for your husband, by bringing beautiful, living beings into this world and constantly loving them, changing their diapers, feeding them, etc. All the times when a friend has thanked you for doing them a favor, and so on.

Hawkeye13

By truly changing and not being that person who drinks and says and does those things.

By real, authentic recovery.

That says all you need to say.

SoberLife90

My sponsor tells me that to be able to forgive myself I need to first be able to forgive others. If I can't forgive others for the things they have done how can I forgive myself?

mecanix

You are not the same you that you were .

A long time ago you could be held in someones arms , you are the same you but on a different level you are obviously someone very different .

The active alcoholic you is also someone different but the same , the further you go in living and learning in sobriety the more you leave that other one behind unless you wake him up by drinking .

Can you forgive the 20 year old you who started drinking ? , the 25 year old ?

In the end you're trying to do your best with the tools you have, maybe show some compassion for that old drunken person who knew no better, even if he was you, that on a certain level is not who you are now .

Take care , m

Anna

Forgiving yourself takes time and patience. It probably won't happen all at once. Journaling was very helpful for me to get through those months.

And, of course, staying focused on your recovery is essential.

Snotchy

I can recall the intense pain of remorse when it first hit. My first few days in rehab last year for pain meds where awful. My family was rung out like and old rag, we had to do a short sale of our home, my teenagers were so angry at me and my poor wife was put in a position of "how do I save my family?".

I was so upset, I couldn't see that I was doing something to help - I was in rehab. This had to be explained to me since I was so distraught. Once I calmed down - days later - I kept telling myself, I am doing my part to help make things better - I was working at getting better. I would think, "there's only one way out of this mess - do my part - get better and stay better".

Things have gotten better, it hasn't been easy, but things improve as the days go by.

I try to only share the things I've gone through and learned and no tell others what they should do. I see that yes, I have consequences of my past actions that I need to deal with and sometimes it hurts. But if I keep on working to get better, I'm doing my part and that's the best I can do.

I try not to be self-indulgent and wallow in pity-parties. I find they don't add anything positive.

Have a great day, I hope you add a building block of a good life today!

- D

doggonecarl

How many times have such feelings precipitated a relapse? Don't go there. There's a reason people say, don't live in the past. It's not healthy.
50 Quotes on Letting Go of the Past

mystified

Thank you for sharing this link.

GracieLou

I can’t change the past. The only reason I go back is to share my story and experiences so that I might help others.

There are times it can creep up on me but I tell myself “I am not that person anymore” then I ask myself “would I do the same thing today?” The answer is always no. The answer gives me what I need to know, that I have changed and that is the only thing I can control. Me.

If I don't repeat the same mistakes, then forgiveness will come.

I can’t change the past, I can’t change others, I can’t change how others view the past. I can only change me, myself and I. I can only control what I do today and how I react to situations today. Not twenty years ago or ten years ago or last year or even yesterday.

I can only be the person I am today.

tomsteve

Guilt,shame, remorse over past actions... I lived in that for a long time and couldn't break the cycle.
Until I got sober and decided to clear away te wreckage of my past. I took a look a all the wrongdoings I piled up, the Reasins why I did them, and went out and made amends. That doesn't me I went and told everyone I'm sorry. I told them what I did, why I did it,and what I'm doing to correct it.
I also worked at changing me and continue to do that.
I started way before that by looking in the mirror. It was quite painful to look right into my own eyes, but I did it and told myself I love me and a going to show it with my actions. Eventually I truly started loving myself.
But i don't think that would have happened without action and changing me.
12 simple steps. They worked pretty good.
The feeling of uselessness and self pity has disappeared.
I no longer regret the last or wish to shut the door on it.
I know a new freedom and a new happiness.
Plus a lot of other good stuff.

Soberwolf

By focusing 5000% on your sobriety let nothing come before it

Youl be able to look in the mirror again in time

Bmac

Easiest way I have found to get out of unwanted feelings is to help someone else.

Shame and guilt are the 2 most useless, most self defeating emotions that serve us no real purpose in sobriety...IMHO. I shrug them off as soon as they hit. I'm quite sure I in inquired to my higher power about past transgressions, it would respond, "Huh? What transgressions? The ones we let go of? I have no memory of any such things."

hopeful4

You cannot change the past. Make your amends where you can, however the best thing you can do for yourself and those you love is a sober and happy future.

RobbyRobot

None of us can change our past actions. We all have lasting consequences and responsibilities which we now must deal with as best we can for today. Being sober, we have already changed the circumstances of our opportunities. Being sober is golden. Sober, we can make all the differences needed, meet all the challenges, be successful enough in our efforts to appreciate our true selves.

I've forgiven myself from my drinking past not because I had excuses in my alcoholism, but because I can easily understand why I sunk so low as to chose to take up with alcohol in the first place. Knowing this, I can easily see how to avoid all my personal potholes and stumbling blocks to my success. Sure, I still have troubles and challenges. life is like that of course. Drinking though, and the shame and guilt that went with it, these are no longer a burden for me.

Quitting itself is the required action to begin the healing. Keeping the quit going is the next responsibility to keep the healing going. Eventually, the task is done, and life becomes much more than dealing with whatever troubles may come my way. Just ridding myself of the guilt and shame has given me an amazing lifestyle for me to appreciate.

We all have an amazing opportunity to dump our past. We don't have to waste effort trying to make it go away. It can be just dumped along with the alcohol.

Wastinglife

Yes, that link for the quotes is great. I struggle with ruminating on the past so those quotes help.

silentrun

I pretty much practiced on other people. It is much easier for me to forgive someone than let myself off the hook. I had really great stuff on a whole bunch of people too. I had to do an across the board forgive and I threw mine in there.