TroyW

This thing.



It's a card game, which revolves around a board like that. Honestly, I can't remember the rules myself, but I used to play it loads with my grandparents when I was a kid. Or if you really want to get into it, a good ole fashioned game of Risk can last for days.

Or Yahtzee, or Uno, or whatever.

LBrain

ah, yes, Yhatzee, we play that too when we go camping. Actually tried it on an airplane flight - not recommended.

RobbyRobot

Perhaps you can't see it, but when you said you've done everything and whatever, and you still don't know how to turn your thoughts around, well, you've boxed yourself into a corner.

You know, you've been here before in your recovery, with that same want to love the drink. Eventually, you did pick up that drink. Not to be harsh, but isn't it time to change what you're thinking about? You can't change and focus your thoughts?? Sure you can. Keep making the effort and get it done.

Just sayin

MarathonMan

Totally right Robby, basically I need to pull my head out my ass Feeling better today, had a talk with my better half about how certain things trigger me and are maybe best avoided for the time being, she was good about it and told me to do what I gotta do to not go backwards.

nmd

Keep up the hard work mm, it is inspiring to see your success. :-) Right there with you struggling, I need to figure out how to right the direction of my thoughts. Getting stuck on what I think I want, which ultimately isn't what I want but a dirty av trick. Have a good rest of your afternoon, I think your about five hours ahead of me.

MarathonMan

Day 39 today. Went to a lunch time meeting today and spoke for one of the first times. A chap came over to me at the end and asked if I wanted a temporary sponser to start working the steps. I said no and thanked him for the offer...to be honest ive no idea how you "work the steps" when you dont really believe some of the main points....i dont believe im powerless as I have the power to stop and have and I dont believe in god. I know people say its not religeous but 5 of the steps refer to "him" "god" or "prayer". im really trying with AA and really enjoy the time with people I dont have to hide myself and my defects from, but I must admit after tonight I feel like a bit of a failure and pretty deflated. I want to give my all to sobriety but cant get on board with AA like people say I need to and I feel if I force it on myself it might do more harm than good.

On a better note ive just come in from a 10 mile run which I completed in 68 mins. The runners among us will know just how good a long, fast run like that feels.

ZaBoozer

That is not bad MM. Keep it up. Try adding some speed work? With you on the AA thing. Hang in there you're doing well.

MarathonMan

Zab - so far ive avoided my club....I had a coach who invested a lot of time and energy into me. He knew when I fell off the wagon a few years ago and was pretty devestated about it. I went and talked to him last year when I got sober for a bit and then fell off again after 4 months just as we were starting to get along well together again.....a bit ashamed to go back again.

RobbyRobot

Awesome on your 39 days and counting.

You know, AA says its a god of your own understanding. For me, I didn't understand god much, and I used that for my first dozen meetings or so until I got my feet wet and learned just how many others also didn't understand god, lol.

Since god allowed me to drink, I figured he would also not care if I sobered up either. As for did god exist, I had no idea. I'm still agnostic about god, even though I'm a believer now, decades later. I do know this. it wasn't my belief or non-belief in god which kept me drunk or got me or keeps me sober.

AA helped me a lot with its program. And of course talking with others who were chronic alcoholics like me. Nothing beats talking things over with a few guys who know what is what.

I hope you don't become too dismayed about AA. In any case, its not the only game in town any more. There are plenty of other choices which lead to solid sobriety.

Wish you the best MM

buk1000

Great game.

MarathonMan

Hey Robby,

Hate to sound like im moaning all the time when some people have real problems. I like AA and have gone every day so far. I think more what I was saying is that I need to just treat it as a meeting of alkies having a chat.....i dont think the steps are for me. I said something similar to the chap at the meeting who offered to sponser me. He gave me a bit of a sad smile when I said it and I could see I became a relapse time bomb in his eyes. Just took the wind outn of my sails. Im no where near done with AA just a bit of a tough one today. I also appreciate it was very nice of the man to come talk to me and did tell him I appreciated it.

RobbyRobot

Hey MM,

No worries from me. I did do the steps, but I'm not saying you should do them too. I meant you to see I agree more then you might think that talking with other alkies is the real deal. The steps don't have to be for you, and you can still make good use of AA. Not everybody will agree with that, and so what, yeah? I guess I was saying don't be deflated when some say you're a slip waiting to happen. And now for sure you know I'm not one those saying any such thing. Glad we cleared that up

BTW, I've got over 33 years of success in AA, and most hardliners in AA don't like it much that I say not everybody has to do the steps and whatever. I say take what works, and leave what doesn't my friend. With my kind of success, they don't have much room to argue with me, you know?

MarathonMan

Just my post earlier on 24 hour thread, sums up how I'm feeling at the minute, still a bit down and still struggling with bigger picture but starting to get little moments of happiness that make me sure that this is the right way forward and that I've come to far to let it lapse now.

"Day 47 for me, nearing the big 50 which is a milestone I've only ever reached twice once with 2+ years and the other got to 110 days.

I was watching my son play with his hands before I went to work this morning and instead of leaving him there i got him up for 10 minutes and played with him. He's only 5 months but you could tell he had a great time with his dad just for those 10 minutes. I couldn't have mustered the energy to do that hungover and would have been more interested in going for my morning dry heaves.....I'll be able to muster thousands of those 10 minutes now I'm sober and that will be thousands of opportunities to be a better person and a better dad.

I suppose as times are tough currently and I struggle through these early stages I need to cling on to little victories like that. Sorry for my rambling just my thoughts this morning."

Still struggling to get things back on track and for people to see that the change is real. We were talking last night and I told her just how seriously I take the threat of losing a family I've worked so hard to build and that I will not let it happen. I think there was a bit of softening there as I know she wants to believe so maybe I am starting to break through the walls she's put up.

mystified

dwtbd

MM
That ten minute observation was awesome and so true
I think any walls put up were for protection from "another" guy, the other guy. Keep being This guy and those walls won't be needed, reestablishing trust takes time, and the only way to do it is to do it. And you can do it, yes?(rhetoric), you got this, keep trucking. And thanks for the post, gonna be more cognizant of ten minute things

CaseyW

The best way for trust to be rebuilt is through action. You're on the right track. Love the story about playing with your baby. I need to hear about these little moments that sobriety gives us. Congrats on day 47!

TheCrimsonKing

I can relate about what you say about the meetings. I had/have some conflicting feelings. I said I would try AA about a month ago for the following reasons : a bunch of people in the same room with the same objectives, to not isolate myself, to meet non drinkers....

The god thing I was willing to not get caught up too much in it...ok god as you see him...I've read Eckhart Tolle....I get the concept. But I does seem very religious....HIM and God written all over the place....but it's how you see him right? I just don't understand why they can't admit just say it's religious....I mean they say that serenity prayer....is that not coming from a religion? I found the holding hands thing while saying that prayer a bit creepy too. I read a few people say that weirded them out at the beginner but then...they got used to it...(indoctrined?) Anyway, the god part didn't bother me to much....just amusing that they say it has nothing to do with god....more a higher power.....didn't the twelve steps come from the Oxford religous groups? it seems a lot of posters say they were agnostic when they joined but now they believe in god.....is this the true goal I wonder? Converts?

At the last meeting a lot of people were mentioning "illness" and "being sick", statements such as "I'm not like normal people, i'm sick..". "this is an illness", and I felt it didn't sit right with me because I felt fantastic in that moment....I was exercising, eating right etc so the sickness thing felt "off", although I can freely accept the term "alcoholic", If I put this poison in my...I will probably continue......addiction, yes. sickness? Seems odd. I thought I would share that....and I had zero intention of debating....I genuinely thought I was being honest that it felt a little strange.....but I was then chastised by an old timer "you do realise that this is an illness, don't you?" "you do realise this programme is based on that, don't you?" Really dogmatic.....like an angry preacher. I didn't go back. Nobody rang to see why.....so I suppose the support is an illusion...

The conflict is I'm still thinking of trying it, but I have one or two doubts. It would be with another group...but I'm not sure.

Again, I like the fact of meetings with a bunch of people with the same goals, but I think where I am living....this is the only option in town.

By the way, 68 minutes for a ten mile training run is incredible!!!!!!!!!!!

Somebody said "add in speed work"!! I hope that was tongue in cheek!!

MarathonMan

I actually did my first speed session in a very long time on Tuesday (3 mile warm up, 8*800's in 2,52, 2.47, 2.42, 2.42, 2.46, 2.50, 2.49, 2.37, 3 mile run home) for anyone like me who likes all the splits etc.

TheCrimsonKing

Not bad at all athlete!!!!!

You need to reframe yourself, "Teetotal Athlete"

Keep running forward

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CzZcOYiXeg4

I'm going to get back running in July......going through Insanity right now!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

MarathonMan

Day57 today. Took my baby swimming yesterday. My wife watched and I was in the baby pool with him. Bobbed him around in the water and had to dunk him under a few times(at the instructors behest). Baby is not even 5 months and I was amazed how well he coped with the water, no tears and was even flapping his legs about in an effort to propel himself (or so it looked). After we stayed at the pool cafe and had a coffee while the baby slept. For the first time in so long we laughed and talked about light hearted stuff, I felt my wife was finally allowing herself to enjoying my company.

It was a good day and little things like that make me feel so much stronger. Feeling strong and resolute recently which is a good thing.....i would never have made that swimming lesson if I was still drinking.