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I think it's time to get better

Old 03-30-2015, 06:06 AM
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Unhappy I think it's time to get better

SO this is my first post here. I've lurked around alcoholism forums for a little while. I've been questioning whether or not I have a problem, which of course, was my first clue.
ACTUALLY my first clue should have been the DUI I got two years ago. I was a bartender for about 9 years, from age 18 to 27. My parents are daily drinkers, and I've been struggling with eating disorders since I was 13, so maybe I should have seen this coming a long time ago. While I was on probation for my DUI, I wasn't supposed to drink, and I (mostly) didn't. For 6 months. It wasn't a huge deal, it was kind of a bummer that I couldn't go out (I literally couldn't even be in a bar, aside from the one I worked at). I went through the little testing thing where they tried to determine whether or not I needed to go to AA meetings, and my "counselor" for my DUI didn't think I had a problem. What's crazy is I'm pretty sure I didn't at the time, but I think it was starting. My husband and I have been steadily drinking more and more over the course of the past two years. We had a huge fight last night (because we were both drunk), but we haven't had a fight in a long time. Now, I usually only have one completely sober day a week. My husband drinks much more than me. We are wasting a ton of money on alcohol, I know. I've been telling him for a long time that I'm pretty sure I'm an alcoholic, but he tries to convince me I'm not. He's a great person, and generally doesn't react poorly to alcohol, but if I'm angry or upset about anything I just spiral out of control. Last week, I told him I would like us both to be sober all this week, and he agreed. I know he wants to be supportive, but I honestly believe he has a drinking problem too, and that's why he tries to convince me I'm fine...because he doesn't want to stop drinking either. I feel like I'll be a lot happier if I just give up alcohol all together, but I am scared of never being able to drink again. Ah, that's it I suppose. I don't drink in the mornings or during the day, it's always at night. My job doesn't suffer from it...completely, although I'm sure I'd do a better job if I didn't come in randomly hungover from time to time. I want to have energy again, and I want to feel like I'm healthy. This morning, after our huge fight last night (about basically nothing), we were fine, we made up, and then I said, "wow I'm really happy we're not drinking this week...after last night, now do you believe I have a drinking problem?" and he said, "no, you don't have a drinking problem, you just have an anger problem." "Right...and I only fly off the handle like that when I'm drunk soooo." Any way, I'm just looking for some support. I'm pretty sure my husband may wind up drinking this week. Probably not tonight, but maybe tomorrow, and I'm scared I'll cave too. AND my mother is staying over Thursday night. My parents are I guess functioning alcoholics? They drink every day but there has never been any kind of issue for them with it, I think that's what helped normalize it for me. I just can't do that though. I'm worried about my mother coming in Thursday because I'm sure she'll drink, and wonder why I'm not. I don't know when to tell people I have a drinking problem. I'm sure they must know. It also doesn't help that I'm like 90lbs so it is super easy for me to get drunk. Ah, sorry for the completely random long post. Just looking for someone to talk to. Thanks.
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Old 03-30-2015, 06:12 AM
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welcome to the forum rednails.
Unfortunately there are very many "functional" alcoholic type people. And there are those who are either in denial of their own problem or or actually unaware of it.

It would be nice if you could get your husband aboard and try to do this as a team.

But if he isn't ready, there is nothing you can do except lead by example.

Perhaps get yourself some literature about "alcoholism". There is plenty on the web.

If you are convinced that you yourself need to quit, you will find plenty of resources and get plenty of support here.
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Old 03-30-2015, 06:20 AM
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Welcome to SR, rednails. You will find an abundance of support, encouragement and understanding here.

Have a look around the site; you will find information on alcoholism and on methods and techniques to use to achieve and maintain sobriety.

I hope that your husband eventually seeks sobriety, also. In the meantime, sobriety is yours for the taking (and the satisfaction, freedom, peace, and enjoyment that it offers).
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Old 03-30-2015, 06:24 AM
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Welcome. And the subject of your post is correct, it IS time to get better.

To be blunt: if your husband isn't going to be sober, he'll need to go. There are perfectly good men out there that are a positive influence.

Just wondering, what happens right before you start to drink? How do you feel then?
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Old 03-30-2015, 06:29 AM
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Thank you both for the responses. As LBrain mentioned, some people are just heavy drinkers. It's possible that my husband is just that, and my own alcohol abuse has pushed him into drinking more often. My parents are heavy drinkers, as I mentioned, but I don't think they have the issues I do. I've always had a knack for getting addicted to things. Knowing that is what kept me away from doing any sort of drug when I was in an environment that seemed a bit fueled by substance abuse.

As for now, I believe you're both right and that I need to focus on my own sobriety. Blaming my husband for being a heavy drinker isn't helping anything. I would love to start going to the gym. I didn't mean to, but a few weeks ago I accidentally stayed sober for a few days straight. I started working out at home and after working out just didn't feel the need to have a drink. I think exercise will be a great substitute for now.

I am also thinking of creating timelines for my evenings. If I keep myself busy, I can avoid drinking. The biggest problem there is that over the past few years I've begun including alcohol into my hobbies and activities. (I don't know anyone else who has a beer while they do laundry). I read, paint on occasion, cook, but I've included drinking in all of those things. I think I could remove drinking from reading and painting, but for some reason being in the kitchen makes me want to drink, so it's hard to keep up the cooking without drinking.

Any way, thanks again for the replies =)
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Old 03-30-2015, 06:31 AM
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ZHIK: usually right before I drink I'm in a good mood. The problem starts when the tiniest thing that may just irritate me sober, gets me extremely angry if I'm drunk. I don't get irrationally angry every time I drink, but every time I get irrationally angry I have been drinking. Hope that makes sense.
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Old 03-30-2015, 06:35 AM
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rednails, ... sorry but I'm laughing right now...
I would find half empty beers in the laundry room too often. I'd forget about it and just open another one. Sad part is if it passed the sniff test it didn't go to waste.
But more times than I wish to admit I have taken a drink from an open beer and got "solids". Worse than sour milk on cereal.
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Old 03-30-2015, 06:39 AM
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Originally Posted by rednails View Post
Thank you both for the responses. As LBrain mentioned, some people are just heavy drinkers. It's possible that my husband is just that, and my own alcohol abuse has pushed him into drinking more often. My parents are heavy drinkers, as I mentioned, but I don't think they have the issues I do. I've always had a knack for getting addicted to things. Knowing that is what kept me away from doing any sort of drug when I was in an environment that seemed a bit fueled by substance abuse.
While all that was true, they are now a list of excuses. There is a difference between reasons and excuses. Also, the only people who are just heavy drinkers are people who don't want to quit. Keep that in mind.

Originally Posted by rednails View Post
As for now, I believe you're both right and that I need to focus on my own sobriety. Blaming my husband for being a heavy drinker isn't helping anything. I would love to start going to the gym. I didn't mean to, but a few weeks ago I accidentally stayed sober for a few days straight. I started working out at home and after working out just didn't feel the need to have a drink. I think exercise will be a great substitute for now.
So you can see how life will be better if you don't drink. Get some confidence. Feel like you are worth a lot, because you are. You deserve the life you want. And it's not going to happen sober.

So, there's a fork in the road. One leads to happiness, one to misery. Which one are you going to take? The happiness one will be difficult for the initial period, but then you'll be well on your way. The misery one ends in illness and death. None of it will feel good.

Keep that feeling of not needing a drink. Use it everywhere and abundantly in your life.

Originally Posted by rednails View Post
I am also thinking of creating timelines for my evenings. If I keep myself busy, I can avoid drinking. The biggest problem there is that over the past few years I've begun including alcohol into my hobbies and activities. (I don't know anyone else who has a beer while they do laundry). I read, paint on occasion, cook, but I've included drinking in all of those things. I think I could remove drinking from reading and painting, but for some reason being in the kitchen makes me want to drink, so it's hard to keep up the cooking without drinking.

Any way, thanks again for the replies =)
Things are better without drinking. You can remove alcohol from the activities. See above, use the feeling of needing a drink.

And you will be able to do some many more things. You will be able to be happy.
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Old 03-30-2015, 06:41 AM
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Originally Posted by rednails View Post
ZHIK: usually right before I drink I'm in a good mood. The problem starts when the tiniest thing that may just irritate me sober, gets me extremely angry if I'm drunk. I don't get irrationally angry every time I drink, but every time I get irrationally angry I have been drinking. Hope that makes sense.
Ok, but there has to be something that happens while you're in a good mood that makes you drink. Look into that. How you feel. There you can find (and eliminate) your trigger.
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Old 03-30-2015, 06:42 AM
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Welcome Rednails
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Old 03-30-2015, 06:43 AM
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haha, glad I'm not the only one. But no more! Seriously, I think maybe it starts because I'm bored?
Drinking was always such a normal part of daily life for me, while growing up it always seemed normal that the adults drank every day, then of course I went and immersed myself in an entire world of alcohol with being a bartender. I honestly think the only reason why my complete alcohol abuse didn't start there (well, it started but didn't quite spiral) was because I was working nights and therefore didn't have time to drink.
Now that I've worked a regular 9-5 for the past few years (I was still bar tending on the weekends up until a few months ago), I have these evenings to fill with something to do and that's when I started drinking. House chores are just much more fun if I get to drink while I'm doing them. Did you substitute another drink (like coffee, tea, etc.) at times when you normally would have been having alcohol of some sort?
The craziest thing is that I didn't even question the "almost daily drinking" thing up until about a year ago, when my husband's friends would come over and not want a drink. I started to realize it wasn't normal to drink every day. I'm in my late 20's and it took this long for me to realize that my behavior wasn't normal. On top of that, I don't ever want to be drunk again. It's always the buzz that I start out looking for, but more times than not I wind up being drunk. I think I'm an alcoholic AND a binge drinker.
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Old 03-30-2015, 06:49 AM
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Originally Posted by ZHIK View Post
Ok, but there has to be something that happens while you're in a good mood that makes you drink. Look into that. How you feel. There you can find (and eliminate) your trigger.
Ah, I tried to respond to this honestly and wound up with a few things that it could be:
First, boredom, second, I use alcohol as a reward system. I'm sure I drink as a stress relief too, but I am having a hard time pinpointing that. The next time I crave a drink I guess I'll just try to examine why. It's not something I ever really thought of a lot.
Also, a while ago when I was suffering a little more with bulimia I would drink to keep myself from wanting to eat, (and eventually wind up binging), but that's not really an issue any more (pretty sure I'll have to finally deal with the bulimia when I stop drinking, but I guess I'll cross that bridge when I get there).
And as lame as this sounds, it's also some times just a habit thing. Fridays don't feel like Fridays if I don't have a drink. Like, it's Friday I'm supposed to drink, that's how it feels. So maybe that's a reward too?
Either way, I think the biggest trigger for me is boredom.
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Old 03-30-2015, 06:49 AM
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Originally Posted by rednails View Post
haha, glad I'm not the only one. But no more! Seriously, I think maybe it starts because I'm bored?
Drinking was always such a normal part of daily life for me, while growing up it always seemed normal that the adults drank every day, then of course I went and immersed myself in an entire world of alcohol with being a bartender. I honestly think the only reason why my complete alcohol abuse didn't start there (well, it started but didn't quite spiral) was because I was working nights and therefore didn't have time to drink.
Now that I've worked a regular 9-5 for the past few years (I was still bar tending on the weekends up until a few months ago), I have these evenings to fill with something to do and that's when I started drinking. House chores are just much more fun if I get to drink while I'm doing them. Did you substitute another drink (like coffee, tea, etc.) at times when you normally would have been having alcohol of some sort?
The craziest thing is that I didn't even question the "almost daily drinking" thing up until about a year ago, when my husband's friends would come over and not want a drink. I started to realize it wasn't normal to drink every day. I'm in my late 20's and it took this long for me to realize that my behavior wasn't normal. On top of that, I don't ever want to be drunk again. It's always the buzz that I start out looking for, but more times than not I wind up being drunk. I think I'm an alcoholic AND a binge drinker.
I'm going to be very blunt here. It's because I think it's best for you.

Not drinking = boredom

Drinking = fun

Rest = excuses

So at the point of boredom, you need to go through it. Stay sober. Even if it means you'll be bored for weeks. How long is that anyway? Based on the rest of your life you get to live.

And do something fun instead, if you can. I'm not sure how explicit we can get on here, but there are certain things that feel good...

Do those, give it 2 weeks and you'll be over the worst of it.
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Old 03-30-2015, 06:51 AM
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Originally Posted by rednails View Post
Ah, I tried to respond to this honestly and wound up with a few things that it could be:
First, boredom, second, I use alcohol as a reward system. I'm sure I drink as a stress relief too, but I am having a hard time pinpointing that. The next time I crave a drink I guess I'll just try to examine why. It's not something I ever really thought of a lot.
Also, a while ago when I was suffering a little more with bulimia I would drink to keep myself from wanting to eat, (and eventually wind up binging), but that's not really an issue any more (pretty sure I'll have to finally deal with the bulimia when I stop drinking, but I guess I'll cross that bridge when I get there).
And as lame as this sounds, it's also some times just a habit thing. Fridays don't feel like Fridays if I don't have a drink. Like, it's Friday I'm supposed to drink, that's how it feels. So maybe that's a reward too?
Either way, I think the biggest trigger for me is boredom.
I think it is. See my previous post.
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Old 03-30-2015, 06:55 AM
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Why am I crying right now?
Thanks ZHIK, I think you're right. My husband and I have been going through a rough patch financially as well. You'd think we'd respond by not wasting money on alcohol but instead we just use it as an entertainment source.

As far as the explicit stuff-that's a great idea actually. Some times I actually turn my husband down because I'd rather go have a drink. I would never tell him that, but if I'm being honest...

I have a dog too, I think she could help a lot with keeping me from being bored. We only got her in January, and honestly she's been a great excuse to get us both outside. Generally, outside is a great place to be for me if I'm trying to avoid alcohol.

Thanks a bunch again, it is nice to be able to actually say that I have a problem and talk about it.
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Old 03-30-2015, 06:56 AM
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whoops, double post.
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Old 03-30-2015, 07:03 AM
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Originally Posted by rednails View Post
Why am I crying right now?
Thanks ZHIK, I think you're right. My husband and I have been going through a rough patch financially as well. You'd think we'd respond by not wasting money on alcohol but instead we just use it as an entertainment source.

As far as the explicit stuff-that's a great idea actually. Some times I actually turn my husband down because I'd rather go have a drink. I would never tell him that, but if I'm being honest...

I have a dog too, I think she could help a lot with keeping me from being bored. We only got her in January, and honestly she's been a great excuse to get us both outside. Generally, outside is a great place to be for me if I'm trying to avoid alcohol.

Thanks a bunch again, it is nice to be able to actually say that I have a problem and talk about it.
You're crying because you've hit the point emotionally that makes you drink. I knew there was more but didn't want to overwhelm you. It would come up at some point.

Look at your emotions. The ones that made you cry. There's more than boredom, isn't there?
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Old 03-30-2015, 07:18 AM
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Yes, a lot more. I am not happy with the way my life has turned out. I don't know how to deal with that, but stopping drinking is the only thing I can for sure do now.
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Old 03-30-2015, 07:43 AM
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Originally Posted by rednails View Post
Yes, a lot more. I am not happy with the way my life has turned out. I don't know how to deal with that, but stopping drinking is the only thing I can for sure do now.
Do it. It will help a lot.
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Old 03-30-2015, 11:57 AM
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Welcome to the Forum Rednails!!
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